04-14-2015, 08:12 AM
Chapter 3: "Atomic" Interruption
Hours had begun to drag for the turtle as he fought to stay sane among the mage’s idiocy. After a while, it became increasingly apparent that Red Mage was an anomaly who existed merely to add paradoxes and plot holes to storylines. Even worse, he seemed to be an endless supply of wacky, inane humor. There was nothing more aggravating or someone as perpetually pissed off as Wartortle than wacky, inane humor. For the love of all things holy, the man was two-dimensional! With a final, desperate notion to regain his sanity, the turtle fought to escape the madness.
“Fuck all of you,” Squirtle declared, flashing two tiny middle digits toward the members of his traveling party. “Fucking Homo sapiens! I’ve had enough of this inane revelry and ridiculous banter. Screw you guys…I’m leaving,” with a glint in his eyes, the Tiny Turtle turned his back to his former allies and sauntered off like the little bastard that he truly was.
Scampering up the side of a nearby structure, the water Pokémon didn’t stop climbing until he was perched atop a marble gargoyle a few dozen feet above the ravaged streets of Central City. From his demonic perch, the child-sized reptile could see several concentrations of soldiers from both sides of the war. The Truth—the force meaning to purge the planet but was secretly just a bunch of evil fags hiding behind pretty words—was positioned near the outskirts of the city, and their opposition seemed to have amassed within key defensive posts both inside and on the edge of Central City.
It soon became very evident that the lines were being drawn and that the final conflict was looming on the horizon. Despite the pathetic, attention-craving cohorts and all the shenanigans he had been inadvertently dragged into, Squirtle could now take the time to analyze the situation for what it was worth. This city he had been taken to was quickly going to descend into the same chaos that had overwhelmed the large city across the sea.
“It’s going to get pretty shitty down there, mate,” the accent triggered the amphibious warrior to pivot sharply and raise his tiny fists in preparation for whatever had snuck up on him. Unfortunately, it was only the necromancer Greg, who had been missing for quite some time. The pasty, nerdy hominid waved a hand at the azure creature and sprinted up to the edge of the building.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Squirtle asked with a tone that was more curious than aggravated. The nerd simply emitted a series of nasally laughs and shrugged his shoulders.
“I stowed away on one of the jets and have been tailing you guys since you landed here to make sure that nothing gets too out of hand, but it seems that you managed to handle yourself well,” the sarcasm was blatantly apparent, but the reptile found the human too pathetic and useful to butcher.
“For now we bide our time and wait to see how the events unfold,” Squirtle said with a smirk on his face. “We’ll make our move when the battle erupts, but until then, it’d be best if we laid back and watch the anticipation swell. Sooner or later on of the sides will make a move, and at that moment, we will swoop in and claim some ears for ourselves.”
“I like that idea,” Greg said with an obnoxious glee to his voice. Squirtle scoffed and vanished inside the structure. The Tiny Turtle wore a smile on his face, because he knew it wouldn’t be long before the violence began. When the bloodbath began, the Pokémon knew he would start enjoying himself.
***
Squirtle had only really been sleeping for a few hours whenever the first sounds of gunfire and explosion shook him from his relatively peaceful slumber. Sitting up on an impulse, the Tiny Turtle eyed a nearby gun and collected it without a moment’s hesitation. With a smile, he checked to insure that the combination of M16 and M203 was loaded and in operating order.
“What the hell was that?” The nasally voice was that of Greg—who had just immerged from the chamber in which he had been resting for the coming battle. Squirtle, laying down the weapon so that he could tighten the bands tied comfortably around his joints and face, looked up momentarily to grin at his unorthodox travel companion. The Engurand-borne hominid was rubbing his eyes and seemed to be still tired.
“The fighting has started, human,” the Water Pokémon stated nonchalantly as he retrieved his weapon from the floor and turned his attention to the doorway that led back to his roof lookout. “Take the stairs and exit this building through the back alley. We will rendezvous near the old park to the southwest of our current location. From there we will devise a means of attack.”
“Where are you headed?” Greg inquired, shaking the last lingering vestiges of sleep from his mind.
“I’m going to remain here and watch to see the troop movements on both sides, and then I’ll take the safest route to meet up with you. Stop asking questions and hustle!” Realizing that failure to comply would result in his gruesome termination; Greg gave the turtle a mock salute and darted out of the room and toward the stairwell. With a smug smile on his face, Squirtle brushed some dust and grim that had clung to his smooth, azure flesh.
Gallivanting out the nearby door, the reptilian warrior made his way toward the stone barricade and hopped up onto it. Glancing down at the war torn street, the Tiny Turtle was startled to see a rather small group of soldiers parading down the road. Tilting his firearm so that he could peer down through the crosshairs, Squirtle opened his mouth in an epic declaration.
“Hey assholes!” The turtle roared with an overwhelmingly bad Cuban accent. “Say hello to my little friend!” With the simple motion of pulling the trigger, the azure Pokémon fired a forty-millimeter grenade round that spelled death and destruction on the small group of unprepared soldiers. The screams that ensued prior to the blast were soon snuffed out as the entire road was consumed in a swirl of dust and shrapnel.
For a beat or two, the amphibious superstar merely watched as the cloud slowly settled, but then he quickly noticed that the round had been ineffective at completely eliminating the unaware group of grunts. A single man was alive and standing in the center of the mass of dismembered corpses and bodily fluids. A giant of a human, the soldier didn’t seem to be a warrior at all.
Despite being several stories above the ground, Squirtle was nevertheless able to note the bizarre outfit that the man was clad in: straw-hat, sandals, denim shorts, and an unbuttoned, vividly red vest. In essence, the ‘soldier’ seemed like he had been snatched right off a Hawaiian beach and thrown onto the frontline. The most ridiculous part about the man was his physical construction—he was easily far taller than seven feet and probably no more than a buck twenty-five.
Turning his attention to the rooftop high above his head, the apparent country bumpkin glared coldly at his assailant with two black eyes. Then—in a display that startled Squirtle to no end—the man whipped his arms upward, and with a sound reminiscent of a stretched rubber band being released, the appendages shot up toward the Tiny Turtle. Falling against the stone ledge at the edge of the roof, the Homo sapiens fingers tightened around the surface, and out of sheer instinct, Squirtle leaped back.
A moment later, the man’s extended limbs retracted, generating enough momentum to swing the soldier all the way to the roof and even then some. The Water Pokémon watched as the lanky figure landed in a crouched position on the ground a few feet away from him. After a momentary, dramatic pause, the man stood up and fixed his straw-hat and cracked his knuckles.
“You have no only slain numerous members of the Truth’s military but have been openly aggressive against an officer of said organization. You can either surrender now, or you will be slain by me—Luffy. Decide now!” Luffy roared as his eyes flared with an immense rage, and with a final motion, he threw an accusatory finger in the direction of the child-sized turtle.
It took Squirtle all of ten seconds to decide…
“Fuck you,” the Tiny Turtle declared, pulling the trigger and releasing a stream of bullets upon Luffy. The obnoxious tall, lean man kicked off his feet and lunged sideways in an erratic attempt to dodge the deadly projectiles. After a moment or two of making his foe dance around the roof like a clown, Squirtle tossed the gun to the wayside and chuckled. “Let’s do this!” He roared barbarically as he lunged toward his elastic adversary.
The first punch staggered the hominid, but unfortunately for the reptilian superstar, he was fighting someone who actually had some degree of battle finesse. Albeit a rather sloppy evasion, Luffy nevertheless managed to slip out of the turtle’s warpath; however, Squirtle’s superior speed permitted him to quickly spin around and decimate the slower warrior with a chop to the knees.
As Luffy stumbled and eventually fell to one knee, his opponent leaped into the air—coming down with enough force to send both him and the elastic hominid crashing through the crumbling roof and into the building below. Moving away from Luffy as the two freefell, Squirtle shot a short burst of energy at the ground beneath him and managed to stall his momentum long enough to permit him a safe, soft landing. A few feet away, Luffy’s legs expanded downward until they touched down on the floor and halted the descent of the rest of the body.
With smirks on both of their faces, the two combatants brushed the dust and fragments of wood and stone from their forms and prepared their next moves—the battle was underway.
The Tiny Turtle gawked at the silly, elastic hominid as he pondered his next move. From what he had witnessed, Luffy derived the majority of his powers and offensive maneuvers from his ability to manipulate his body and extremities. It was a really neat trick, but it wasn’t anything that really intimidated Squirtle. In fact, the Water Pokémon was certain that he had to hold an advantage at least in a statistical degree.
“Come on now,” the cyan reptile said with a toothy smile. “It is about time that we get down and dirty, so what do you say, Luffy?” Before the apparently Japanese bumpkin got a chance to think of a witty retort to the turtle’s banter, Squirtle unleashed a torrent of water from his entrails. The blast of fluid struck Luffy in the gut and sent the lanky man tumbling onto his derrière.
Pushing the offensive, the Tiny Turtle kicked off the moldy floorboards and came down on the wiry man’s gut. Unfortunately for Squirtle, his opponent managed to quickly defend himself with a quick whip of his rubbery arms. As the amphibious superstar staggered, Luffy dislocated his own legs and stretched them backwards and around his attacker—effectively wrapping around the child-sized warrior like two giant, fleshly ropes.
“What the hell is this?” Squirtle roared. “Some type of ridiculous display of your S&M prowess? Get the fuck off of me,” the turtle shouted—his tone betraying his underlying sense of disgust as opposed to any real rage or frustration. The comment elicited a playful chuckle from the man of rubber, but instead of relenting, Luffy simply tightened his grip on the small creature.
“Capitulate!” The officer of the Truth declared without any real malice. “Just allow me to take you back to our encampment and maybe I can persuade my bosses to spare you life,” the statement summoned a great deal of anger from the bowels of the Tiny Turtle. After all, who was Luffy to think he was superior in any way, shape, or form than Squirtle? Had this backwater, sandal-wearing fruit ever been resurrected by a bolt of lightning? The answer: A resounding ‘Fuck no.’
“Go to hell!” The turtle declared as his power surged to its breaking point, and with a lot of grunting and strain, the Water Pokémon managed to create enough of a space for him to escape from the vice-like clutch of Luffy’s elastic legs. As the azure reptile flipped backwards, his adversary quickly made it back to a standing position. Squirtle glared hatefully at his antagonist, but soon enough that loathing manifested itself in the form of a violet offensive.
Darting forward, the Tiny Turtle unleashed a condensed sphere of dihydrogen monoxide right into the visage of the Truth acolyte. The impact sent Luffy’s neck snapping back as the hat atop his brow was shattered by the force of the bubble. A surprised shout escaped the maw of the lanky soldier as he clawed at his youthful features in a distressed effort to remove the lingering remnants of the viscous sphere from his countenance.
Squirtle watched on with a malignant smile as Luffy lowered his fingers and clenched them into two bony fists. The scruffy, obsidian hair of the hominid was matted down to his cranium by the liquid, and his face was reddened from all of the intense rubbing. Despite his obviously high level of discomfort, Luffy seemed unrelenting in his mission to eradicate the turtle and fulfill the Truth’s will.
“Squirtle,” the man said as he unbuttoned and discarded his vibrant vest and then threw it to the wayside. “I most certainly recall your name from the database. You are the most prevalent of the anarchists, and it will be both an honor and a treat for me to purge you,” the comment made the Tiny Turtle smirk.
“Shut the fuck up and fight,” Squirtle remarked as he fixed piece of fabric tied around his hairless cranium. Without so much as a closing remark, the two warriors leaped from their respective positions and clashed midair. Exchanging a blurred, rapid volley of punches and kicks, the adversaries touched back down on the floor and jumped away from one another. With a violent flick of his arms, Luffy sent two high-speed punches bulleting through the air at his reptilian foe.
Leaping off the ground, the Tiny Turtle landed on one of his antagonist’s arms and sprinted down the fleshy expanse toward the unwary primate. Charged up the elongated shoulders of the man, Squirtle slammed his fist into Luffy’s neck just as the Truth officer’s arms retracted to their normal length; however, the elastic Homo sapiens managed to get a final, rather potent strike in before he doubled over in pain.
The punch sent the Water Pokémon crashing through a molded desk and straight into the wall of the room. Squirtle let out a blood-laced declaration of pain as he struggled to dislodge his carapace from the impact crater it had left on the wooden wall. On the other side of the room, Luffy was fighting against the wash of darkness that had almost culminated in unconsciousness.
Although their little meeting had been brief, it had also been rather intense, and both warriors in that dusty, dreary room knew that their conflict was quickly reaching its terminus. One of them was going to slip up and pay for it dearly, and the only question still remaining was the one that asked: Who was it going to be? Would it be the tall, lanky soldier of the Truth known as Luffy, or would Squirtle be the one to make that last, fatal error in judgment?
Following the lapse in combat that had allowed for both combatants to regain their bearings, the conflict hastily resumed. The elastic man was the first to react, and he did so by throwing his final gambit on the table. Two fists of rubber sent Squirtle out the window and left the soldier with a goofy smile on his face.
It was a happy ending. The black-haired youth walked forward, and picked up his straw hat from the moldy floorboards. Looking out dramatically into the sunset, he turned to no one in particular and cracked a huge toothy smile. There was just one problem in the situation: It wasn't even near sunset. Before Luffy even realized what was going on, the Squirtle exploded from the floorboards beneath his prey and latched onto the boy's head.
"Fucking Homo sapiens," the Tiny Turtle hissed as he proceeded to unleash a torrent of frozen vapor upon the lad's head. After a few moments, Luffy's face was frozen in a position mixed between his huge goofy grin, and a look of utter bewilderment and fear. With a growl, the Pokémon twisted then violently pulled back. With a sickening snap, the aspiring military officer was decapitated. The battle was over, and Luffy was dead. “Everyone knows there are no such things as happy endings in war,” Squirtle snickered.
After destroying the competition, the Tiny Turtle collected the broken body in a nice pile. With a nearby match, he ignited the corpse of the faggot officer. Squirtle did not know when the fighting outside actually came to an end, but from the information Greg had acquired through his various sources on both sides, the Truth had faltered for the first time during their campaign. With their defeat at Central City, the blitzkrieg had come to a screeching halt at the bloody trenches around and within the town.
“Damn Homo sapiens,” the Tiny Turtle seethed, taking another generous bite out of Luffy’s cooked thigh. “They must really get their rocks off to this kind of shit. I mean, seriously, who the fuck just runs around and kills their own species? I find it increasingly harder to deal with their continued parasitic infestation of Earth,” the Water Pokémon said between chews. After swallowing down the mass of meat, he turned to Greg and let out a potent sigh.
“We do suck ass…some of us in all literal senses of the phrase,” the comment sent a shiver down the child-sized reptile’s reinforced spine.
“Fags,” Squirtle muttered, wrenching the last chunk of muscle tissue away from Luffy’s femur. Swallowing down the meat a moment later, the Tiny Turtle threw the bloody bone on the pile with the rest of them.
“Well now that you finished that,” Greg stated with a sarcastic undertone. “What the hell are we suppose to do now?” Pushing off his haunches, the azure warrior picked up his vanquished opponents still frozen head and smiled.
“This is what you get, you elastic prick,” Squirtle snarled, slamming the icy skull onto the wooden floorboards and smiling as it shattered into blood and frozen tissue. Finally satisfied with his undeniably swift and complete dispatching of the stupid country bumpkin, the Tiny Turtle turned around.
“Well?” Greg asked, his rather nasally tone always an irritant on the Pokémon’s ears. Before answering, Squirtle collected the hat of his defeated adversary and placed it upon his bald, blue cranium.
“We chill here and see where the rest of war moves to and follow it,” the turtle answered. “I wouldn’t mind being able to find that hydro faggot and slowly choke the life from his inert, blank face. Now let’s get the fuck out of here, human,” the cyan warrior said, striding toward the stairs and motioning for Greg to follow him.
Squirtle had not gained that much from his short tenure fighting the Truth, but from the shattered skull he was gripping in his hand, one could easily figure out that the Tiny Turtle had enjoyed every moment of it. Nevertheless, the amphibious revolutionary knew that he could not dawdle any longer fighting some stupid organization with inane values and logic.
***
After ditching off Greg to fight on the frontlines for him, Squirtle started to make his way back to the location he had dwelled at prior to the war. It had been where he had originally started his journey to liberate his kind from the dictatorship that man had imposed upon all of them.
Unfortunately for the sadistic little biped, things really never had a knack for falling in his favor. Just as he was about to board on of the last boats out of the region, he felt a strange tingly sensation befall him. Before a ‘fuck’ or ‘bollocks’ could slip free of his lips, he had slipped into an overbearing state of unconsciousness.
When he came to, Squirtle was in the midst of some stupid, fucking conflict. All around him, people were stabbing, punching, and blasting one another into oblivion. A heavy sigh escaped the Pokémon’s lips as the realization dawned upon him: Someone had dragged him back to fight in the god damn war.
“Faggots,” the turtle roared, launching forward and leaping at the nearest warrior he could find. With a whip of his clawed digits, the amphibious revolutionary defaced the man—literally. As the man’s visage landed in a bloody, pulpy mass on the ground, Squirtle kicked off his chest and landed flawless in front of his body as it collapsed. Letting out a cackle befitting of only the evilest of evil dictators, the reptilian snatched up a nearby gun.
Noting the cartridge in the gun, Squirtle made sure everything was upon, and then he unleashed a stream of inescapable pwnage upon the battalion of soldiers rushing at him to avenge their fallen comrade. As the douchebags fell before him, the Tiny Turtle felt new waves of adrenaline course through his veins. This stupid fucking war was a saga in Earth’s history that needed to come to a close already. How long had this pricks been fighting? Too fucking long, that’s right.
Letting off on the trigger, Squirtle eyed the fruits of his labor and smiled. Stepping forward, the Water Pokémon scooped up a cigar and lighter that had fallen from the fatigues of a soldier. With a flick of the flint, the turtle placed the cigar in his mouth and took a deep puff.
“I wonder how this could possibly get any more cliché,” he murmured, exhaling a small cloud of smoke from his azure maw. Just as he was about to walk away, irony struck, and the earth below him began to rumble. A shadow befell the battlefield as the tremors were complemented by the frightened screams of the troops slaying one another. Turning his bald cranium in the direction of the disturbance, the turtle was kinda startled by the presence of a massive lizard owning the hell out of everyone in sight.
“Spoke too soon,” the anarchist grumbled—spotting none other than Red Mage perched on the back of the titanic beast. Despite being at such an atrocious height, the mage stood out like a sore thumb. After all, a naked man hopping around spewing out the same old rhetoric was hard to miss. Furthermore, Squirtle always had keen eyesight, or at least he did whenever he was trying to cover up a blatant plot hole, because in a sense, awesomeness knows no physical boundaries.
Just as he was about to lose himself in another binge of egotistical ranting, Squirtle spotted a very familiar figure scaling the huge reptile. He may have been consumed in some faggish combination of ice and water, but the Tiny Turtle would never forget Major Andrews. The “Bearer of the Truth” was steadily advancing up the back of the Red Mage’s reptilian ally. The fight broke out a few moments later, and with an impulse to wrench Andrews’ head off, Squirtle broke into a sprint.
En route to the monster, the azure reptile scooped up a pair of his trademark sunglasses and another M16. With a grace that eclipsed that of the inferior hominids that infested his homeworld, Squirtle scaled the titan with relative ease. He made it to the scene of the brawl and leaped onto a nearby scute and lifted both of his weapons into the air.
“Hey!” The declaration derived the attention of both warriors, and they both properly pivoted in order to bask in the greatness that the turtle emanated with his every action. “Fuck you! I think you forget this bitch is mine!”
“The cat came back,” the nude mage said with a faint smile, but it was blatantly obvious that Major Andrews did not have the same sentiment.
“More interference?” The alchemist grunted. “And guns? Pathetic. Your weapons are no match for us.” The statement derived humble shrug from the shoulders of the Tiny Turtle.
“I can still beat the shit out of you with them,” Squirtle said with a cackle. “This I can do as well, asshole,” pulling the smaller triggers, the Pokémon fired a pair of forty millimeter grenades straight into the gut of the Truthbearer. The impact staggered the man of water and ice long enough for the turtle’s naked ally to ruin Andrew’s life with a serious of vehement blows to the startled soldier.
“You fools!” The officer roared—a wave of water and ice rippling out from his figure and throwing a wrench into the gears of Team Awesome’s offensive. “I have your powers, and soon I will have your souls!”
“You have my powers?” Squirtle inquired, taking a puff of the cigar that had somehow stayed perfectly put during the alchemist’s tantrum. “Wow, didn’t even notice that. Shows how much I don’t require them to kick your bitch ass,” the turtle pulled the trigger on both of his military weapons again. Andrews’ collapsed once again, startled by the explosive power of the guns. A few feet away, Red Mage began to chuckle as the Truthbearer crawled back up to a standing point.
“Bastards,” the man muttered as his body began crystallizing into a dense outfit of solidified ice.
“Awesome bastards,” the nude mage corrected before leaping forward to attack. Squirtle soon followed suit, and the unbridled pwnage resumed.
---
“Damn it all to hell,” Wartortle grumbled, turning the page to find nothing more than a bunch of marks were someone had ripped out part of the document. “I know I shouldn’t have let that faggot mage deal with writing this next portion,” the Turtle Pokémon added, seething as he scrambled throughout the notebook for what was left of the story. “Well here is the ending after I pretty much killed that fag Andrews, killed the second-in-command of the army, and single-handedly owned the asshole in charge of the whole operation…”
---
The veil of death began to cover Fate's eyes. His vision blurred and worsened until he shut his eyes in lieu of the pain. His face relaxed into something that was nothing more than a glorified death mask, and then his battered, mauled body made one last seizing motion as he drew his final breath.
"Hope, wait for me. This old man is finally coming home," the man gurgled, his eyes glazed over as he stared at some unseen entity.
A small blue foot came crashing down onto Fate's skull. Blood and bone splattered out beneath the foot of the Tiny Turtle. The Pokémon spat upon Fate's dead body and made one final comment.
"Shut the fuck up, fucker."
---
“So is that how the war was really ended, Uncle Wartortle?” One of the young Pokémon asked, his expression conveying what seemed to be a spec of doubt.
“Yes, it’s ended just like I say it did!” Wartortle grinned, turning the page to the next chapter. “Now here is where it gets interesting!”
Hours had begun to drag for the turtle as he fought to stay sane among the mage’s idiocy. After a while, it became increasingly apparent that Red Mage was an anomaly who existed merely to add paradoxes and plot holes to storylines. Even worse, he seemed to be an endless supply of wacky, inane humor. There was nothing more aggravating or someone as perpetually pissed off as Wartortle than wacky, inane humor. For the love of all things holy, the man was two-dimensional! With a final, desperate notion to regain his sanity, the turtle fought to escape the madness.
“Fuck all of you,” Squirtle declared, flashing two tiny middle digits toward the members of his traveling party. “Fucking Homo sapiens! I’ve had enough of this inane revelry and ridiculous banter. Screw you guys…I’m leaving,” with a glint in his eyes, the Tiny Turtle turned his back to his former allies and sauntered off like the little bastard that he truly was.
Scampering up the side of a nearby structure, the water Pokémon didn’t stop climbing until he was perched atop a marble gargoyle a few dozen feet above the ravaged streets of Central City. From his demonic perch, the child-sized reptile could see several concentrations of soldiers from both sides of the war. The Truth—the force meaning to purge the planet but was secretly just a bunch of evil fags hiding behind pretty words—was positioned near the outskirts of the city, and their opposition seemed to have amassed within key defensive posts both inside and on the edge of Central City.
It soon became very evident that the lines were being drawn and that the final conflict was looming on the horizon. Despite the pathetic, attention-craving cohorts and all the shenanigans he had been inadvertently dragged into, Squirtle could now take the time to analyze the situation for what it was worth. This city he had been taken to was quickly going to descend into the same chaos that had overwhelmed the large city across the sea.
“It’s going to get pretty shitty down there, mate,” the accent triggered the amphibious warrior to pivot sharply and raise his tiny fists in preparation for whatever had snuck up on him. Unfortunately, it was only the necromancer Greg, who had been missing for quite some time. The pasty, nerdy hominid waved a hand at the azure creature and sprinted up to the edge of the building.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Squirtle asked with a tone that was more curious than aggravated. The nerd simply emitted a series of nasally laughs and shrugged his shoulders.
“I stowed away on one of the jets and have been tailing you guys since you landed here to make sure that nothing gets too out of hand, but it seems that you managed to handle yourself well,” the sarcasm was blatantly apparent, but the reptile found the human too pathetic and useful to butcher.
“For now we bide our time and wait to see how the events unfold,” Squirtle said with a smirk on his face. “We’ll make our move when the battle erupts, but until then, it’d be best if we laid back and watch the anticipation swell. Sooner or later on of the sides will make a move, and at that moment, we will swoop in and claim some ears for ourselves.”
“I like that idea,” Greg said with an obnoxious glee to his voice. Squirtle scoffed and vanished inside the structure. The Tiny Turtle wore a smile on his face, because he knew it wouldn’t be long before the violence began. When the bloodbath began, the Pokémon knew he would start enjoying himself.
***
Squirtle had only really been sleeping for a few hours whenever the first sounds of gunfire and explosion shook him from his relatively peaceful slumber. Sitting up on an impulse, the Tiny Turtle eyed a nearby gun and collected it without a moment’s hesitation. With a smile, he checked to insure that the combination of M16 and M203 was loaded and in operating order.
“What the hell was that?” The nasally voice was that of Greg—who had just immerged from the chamber in which he had been resting for the coming battle. Squirtle, laying down the weapon so that he could tighten the bands tied comfortably around his joints and face, looked up momentarily to grin at his unorthodox travel companion. The Engurand-borne hominid was rubbing his eyes and seemed to be still tired.
“The fighting has started, human,” the Water Pokémon stated nonchalantly as he retrieved his weapon from the floor and turned his attention to the doorway that led back to his roof lookout. “Take the stairs and exit this building through the back alley. We will rendezvous near the old park to the southwest of our current location. From there we will devise a means of attack.”
“Where are you headed?” Greg inquired, shaking the last lingering vestiges of sleep from his mind.
“I’m going to remain here and watch to see the troop movements on both sides, and then I’ll take the safest route to meet up with you. Stop asking questions and hustle!” Realizing that failure to comply would result in his gruesome termination; Greg gave the turtle a mock salute and darted out of the room and toward the stairwell. With a smug smile on his face, Squirtle brushed some dust and grim that had clung to his smooth, azure flesh.
Gallivanting out the nearby door, the reptilian warrior made his way toward the stone barricade and hopped up onto it. Glancing down at the war torn street, the Tiny Turtle was startled to see a rather small group of soldiers parading down the road. Tilting his firearm so that he could peer down through the crosshairs, Squirtle opened his mouth in an epic declaration.
“Hey assholes!” The turtle roared with an overwhelmingly bad Cuban accent. “Say hello to my little friend!” With the simple motion of pulling the trigger, the azure Pokémon fired a forty-millimeter grenade round that spelled death and destruction on the small group of unprepared soldiers. The screams that ensued prior to the blast were soon snuffed out as the entire road was consumed in a swirl of dust and shrapnel.
For a beat or two, the amphibious superstar merely watched as the cloud slowly settled, but then he quickly noticed that the round had been ineffective at completely eliminating the unaware group of grunts. A single man was alive and standing in the center of the mass of dismembered corpses and bodily fluids. A giant of a human, the soldier didn’t seem to be a warrior at all.
Despite being several stories above the ground, Squirtle was nevertheless able to note the bizarre outfit that the man was clad in: straw-hat, sandals, denim shorts, and an unbuttoned, vividly red vest. In essence, the ‘soldier’ seemed like he had been snatched right off a Hawaiian beach and thrown onto the frontline. The most ridiculous part about the man was his physical construction—he was easily far taller than seven feet and probably no more than a buck twenty-five.
Turning his attention to the rooftop high above his head, the apparent country bumpkin glared coldly at his assailant with two black eyes. Then—in a display that startled Squirtle to no end—the man whipped his arms upward, and with a sound reminiscent of a stretched rubber band being released, the appendages shot up toward the Tiny Turtle. Falling against the stone ledge at the edge of the roof, the Homo sapiens fingers tightened around the surface, and out of sheer instinct, Squirtle leaped back.
A moment later, the man’s extended limbs retracted, generating enough momentum to swing the soldier all the way to the roof and even then some. The Water Pokémon watched as the lanky figure landed in a crouched position on the ground a few feet away from him. After a momentary, dramatic pause, the man stood up and fixed his straw-hat and cracked his knuckles.
“You have no only slain numerous members of the Truth’s military but have been openly aggressive against an officer of said organization. You can either surrender now, or you will be slain by me—Luffy. Decide now!” Luffy roared as his eyes flared with an immense rage, and with a final motion, he threw an accusatory finger in the direction of the child-sized turtle.
It took Squirtle all of ten seconds to decide…
“Fuck you,” the Tiny Turtle declared, pulling the trigger and releasing a stream of bullets upon Luffy. The obnoxious tall, lean man kicked off his feet and lunged sideways in an erratic attempt to dodge the deadly projectiles. After a moment or two of making his foe dance around the roof like a clown, Squirtle tossed the gun to the wayside and chuckled. “Let’s do this!” He roared barbarically as he lunged toward his elastic adversary.
The first punch staggered the hominid, but unfortunately for the reptilian superstar, he was fighting someone who actually had some degree of battle finesse. Albeit a rather sloppy evasion, Luffy nevertheless managed to slip out of the turtle’s warpath; however, Squirtle’s superior speed permitted him to quickly spin around and decimate the slower warrior with a chop to the knees.
As Luffy stumbled and eventually fell to one knee, his opponent leaped into the air—coming down with enough force to send both him and the elastic hominid crashing through the crumbling roof and into the building below. Moving away from Luffy as the two freefell, Squirtle shot a short burst of energy at the ground beneath him and managed to stall his momentum long enough to permit him a safe, soft landing. A few feet away, Luffy’s legs expanded downward until they touched down on the floor and halted the descent of the rest of the body.
With smirks on both of their faces, the two combatants brushed the dust and fragments of wood and stone from their forms and prepared their next moves—the battle was underway.
The Tiny Turtle gawked at the silly, elastic hominid as he pondered his next move. From what he had witnessed, Luffy derived the majority of his powers and offensive maneuvers from his ability to manipulate his body and extremities. It was a really neat trick, but it wasn’t anything that really intimidated Squirtle. In fact, the Water Pokémon was certain that he had to hold an advantage at least in a statistical degree.
“Come on now,” the cyan reptile said with a toothy smile. “It is about time that we get down and dirty, so what do you say, Luffy?” Before the apparently Japanese bumpkin got a chance to think of a witty retort to the turtle’s banter, Squirtle unleashed a torrent of water from his entrails. The blast of fluid struck Luffy in the gut and sent the lanky man tumbling onto his derrière.
Pushing the offensive, the Tiny Turtle kicked off the moldy floorboards and came down on the wiry man’s gut. Unfortunately for Squirtle, his opponent managed to quickly defend himself with a quick whip of his rubbery arms. As the amphibious superstar staggered, Luffy dislocated his own legs and stretched them backwards and around his attacker—effectively wrapping around the child-sized warrior like two giant, fleshly ropes.
“What the hell is this?” Squirtle roared. “Some type of ridiculous display of your S&M prowess? Get the fuck off of me,” the turtle shouted—his tone betraying his underlying sense of disgust as opposed to any real rage or frustration. The comment elicited a playful chuckle from the man of rubber, but instead of relenting, Luffy simply tightened his grip on the small creature.
“Capitulate!” The officer of the Truth declared without any real malice. “Just allow me to take you back to our encampment and maybe I can persuade my bosses to spare you life,” the statement summoned a great deal of anger from the bowels of the Tiny Turtle. After all, who was Luffy to think he was superior in any way, shape, or form than Squirtle? Had this backwater, sandal-wearing fruit ever been resurrected by a bolt of lightning? The answer: A resounding ‘Fuck no.’
“Go to hell!” The turtle declared as his power surged to its breaking point, and with a lot of grunting and strain, the Water Pokémon managed to create enough of a space for him to escape from the vice-like clutch of Luffy’s elastic legs. As the azure reptile flipped backwards, his adversary quickly made it back to a standing position. Squirtle glared hatefully at his antagonist, but soon enough that loathing manifested itself in the form of a violet offensive.
Darting forward, the Tiny Turtle unleashed a condensed sphere of dihydrogen monoxide right into the visage of the Truth acolyte. The impact sent Luffy’s neck snapping back as the hat atop his brow was shattered by the force of the bubble. A surprised shout escaped the maw of the lanky soldier as he clawed at his youthful features in a distressed effort to remove the lingering remnants of the viscous sphere from his countenance.
Squirtle watched on with a malignant smile as Luffy lowered his fingers and clenched them into two bony fists. The scruffy, obsidian hair of the hominid was matted down to his cranium by the liquid, and his face was reddened from all of the intense rubbing. Despite his obviously high level of discomfort, Luffy seemed unrelenting in his mission to eradicate the turtle and fulfill the Truth’s will.
“Squirtle,” the man said as he unbuttoned and discarded his vibrant vest and then threw it to the wayside. “I most certainly recall your name from the database. You are the most prevalent of the anarchists, and it will be both an honor and a treat for me to purge you,” the comment made the Tiny Turtle smirk.
“Shut the fuck up and fight,” Squirtle remarked as he fixed piece of fabric tied around his hairless cranium. Without so much as a closing remark, the two warriors leaped from their respective positions and clashed midair. Exchanging a blurred, rapid volley of punches and kicks, the adversaries touched back down on the floor and jumped away from one another. With a violent flick of his arms, Luffy sent two high-speed punches bulleting through the air at his reptilian foe.
Leaping off the ground, the Tiny Turtle landed on one of his antagonist’s arms and sprinted down the fleshy expanse toward the unwary primate. Charged up the elongated shoulders of the man, Squirtle slammed his fist into Luffy’s neck just as the Truth officer’s arms retracted to their normal length; however, the elastic Homo sapiens managed to get a final, rather potent strike in before he doubled over in pain.
The punch sent the Water Pokémon crashing through a molded desk and straight into the wall of the room. Squirtle let out a blood-laced declaration of pain as he struggled to dislodge his carapace from the impact crater it had left on the wooden wall. On the other side of the room, Luffy was fighting against the wash of darkness that had almost culminated in unconsciousness.
Although their little meeting had been brief, it had also been rather intense, and both warriors in that dusty, dreary room knew that their conflict was quickly reaching its terminus. One of them was going to slip up and pay for it dearly, and the only question still remaining was the one that asked: Who was it going to be? Would it be the tall, lanky soldier of the Truth known as Luffy, or would Squirtle be the one to make that last, fatal error in judgment?
Following the lapse in combat that had allowed for both combatants to regain their bearings, the conflict hastily resumed. The elastic man was the first to react, and he did so by throwing his final gambit on the table. Two fists of rubber sent Squirtle out the window and left the soldier with a goofy smile on his face.
It was a happy ending. The black-haired youth walked forward, and picked up his straw hat from the moldy floorboards. Looking out dramatically into the sunset, he turned to no one in particular and cracked a huge toothy smile. There was just one problem in the situation: It wasn't even near sunset. Before Luffy even realized what was going on, the Squirtle exploded from the floorboards beneath his prey and latched onto the boy's head.
"Fucking Homo sapiens," the Tiny Turtle hissed as he proceeded to unleash a torrent of frozen vapor upon the lad's head. After a few moments, Luffy's face was frozen in a position mixed between his huge goofy grin, and a look of utter bewilderment and fear. With a growl, the Pokémon twisted then violently pulled back. With a sickening snap, the aspiring military officer was decapitated. The battle was over, and Luffy was dead. “Everyone knows there are no such things as happy endings in war,” Squirtle snickered.
After destroying the competition, the Tiny Turtle collected the broken body in a nice pile. With a nearby match, he ignited the corpse of the faggot officer. Squirtle did not know when the fighting outside actually came to an end, but from the information Greg had acquired through his various sources on both sides, the Truth had faltered for the first time during their campaign. With their defeat at Central City, the blitzkrieg had come to a screeching halt at the bloody trenches around and within the town.
“Damn Homo sapiens,” the Tiny Turtle seethed, taking another generous bite out of Luffy’s cooked thigh. “They must really get their rocks off to this kind of shit. I mean, seriously, who the fuck just runs around and kills their own species? I find it increasingly harder to deal with their continued parasitic infestation of Earth,” the Water Pokémon said between chews. After swallowing down the mass of meat, he turned to Greg and let out a potent sigh.
“We do suck ass…some of us in all literal senses of the phrase,” the comment sent a shiver down the child-sized reptile’s reinforced spine.
“Fags,” Squirtle muttered, wrenching the last chunk of muscle tissue away from Luffy’s femur. Swallowing down the meat a moment later, the Tiny Turtle threw the bloody bone on the pile with the rest of them.
“Well now that you finished that,” Greg stated with a sarcastic undertone. “What the hell are we suppose to do now?” Pushing off his haunches, the azure warrior picked up his vanquished opponents still frozen head and smiled.
“This is what you get, you elastic prick,” Squirtle snarled, slamming the icy skull onto the wooden floorboards and smiling as it shattered into blood and frozen tissue. Finally satisfied with his undeniably swift and complete dispatching of the stupid country bumpkin, the Tiny Turtle turned around.
“Well?” Greg asked, his rather nasally tone always an irritant on the Pokémon’s ears. Before answering, Squirtle collected the hat of his defeated adversary and placed it upon his bald, blue cranium.
“We chill here and see where the rest of war moves to and follow it,” the turtle answered. “I wouldn’t mind being able to find that hydro faggot and slowly choke the life from his inert, blank face. Now let’s get the fuck out of here, human,” the cyan warrior said, striding toward the stairs and motioning for Greg to follow him.
Squirtle had not gained that much from his short tenure fighting the Truth, but from the shattered skull he was gripping in his hand, one could easily figure out that the Tiny Turtle had enjoyed every moment of it. Nevertheless, the amphibious revolutionary knew that he could not dawdle any longer fighting some stupid organization with inane values and logic.
***
After ditching off Greg to fight on the frontlines for him, Squirtle started to make his way back to the location he had dwelled at prior to the war. It had been where he had originally started his journey to liberate his kind from the dictatorship that man had imposed upon all of them.
Unfortunately for the sadistic little biped, things really never had a knack for falling in his favor. Just as he was about to board on of the last boats out of the region, he felt a strange tingly sensation befall him. Before a ‘fuck’ or ‘bollocks’ could slip free of his lips, he had slipped into an overbearing state of unconsciousness.
When he came to, Squirtle was in the midst of some stupid, fucking conflict. All around him, people were stabbing, punching, and blasting one another into oblivion. A heavy sigh escaped the Pokémon’s lips as the realization dawned upon him: Someone had dragged him back to fight in the god damn war.
“Faggots,” the turtle roared, launching forward and leaping at the nearest warrior he could find. With a whip of his clawed digits, the amphibious revolutionary defaced the man—literally. As the man’s visage landed in a bloody, pulpy mass on the ground, Squirtle kicked off his chest and landed flawless in front of his body as it collapsed. Letting out a cackle befitting of only the evilest of evil dictators, the reptilian snatched up a nearby gun.
Noting the cartridge in the gun, Squirtle made sure everything was upon, and then he unleashed a stream of inescapable pwnage upon the battalion of soldiers rushing at him to avenge their fallen comrade. As the douchebags fell before him, the Tiny Turtle felt new waves of adrenaline course through his veins. This stupid fucking war was a saga in Earth’s history that needed to come to a close already. How long had this pricks been fighting? Too fucking long, that’s right.
Letting off on the trigger, Squirtle eyed the fruits of his labor and smiled. Stepping forward, the Water Pokémon scooped up a cigar and lighter that had fallen from the fatigues of a soldier. With a flick of the flint, the turtle placed the cigar in his mouth and took a deep puff.
“I wonder how this could possibly get any more cliché,” he murmured, exhaling a small cloud of smoke from his azure maw. Just as he was about to walk away, irony struck, and the earth below him began to rumble. A shadow befell the battlefield as the tremors were complemented by the frightened screams of the troops slaying one another. Turning his bald cranium in the direction of the disturbance, the turtle was kinda startled by the presence of a massive lizard owning the hell out of everyone in sight.
“Spoke too soon,” the anarchist grumbled—spotting none other than Red Mage perched on the back of the titanic beast. Despite being at such an atrocious height, the mage stood out like a sore thumb. After all, a naked man hopping around spewing out the same old rhetoric was hard to miss. Furthermore, Squirtle always had keen eyesight, or at least he did whenever he was trying to cover up a blatant plot hole, because in a sense, awesomeness knows no physical boundaries.
Just as he was about to lose himself in another binge of egotistical ranting, Squirtle spotted a very familiar figure scaling the huge reptile. He may have been consumed in some faggish combination of ice and water, but the Tiny Turtle would never forget Major Andrews. The “Bearer of the Truth” was steadily advancing up the back of the Red Mage’s reptilian ally. The fight broke out a few moments later, and with an impulse to wrench Andrews’ head off, Squirtle broke into a sprint.
En route to the monster, the azure reptile scooped up a pair of his trademark sunglasses and another M16. With a grace that eclipsed that of the inferior hominids that infested his homeworld, Squirtle scaled the titan with relative ease. He made it to the scene of the brawl and leaped onto a nearby scute and lifted both of his weapons into the air.
“Hey!” The declaration derived the attention of both warriors, and they both properly pivoted in order to bask in the greatness that the turtle emanated with his every action. “Fuck you! I think you forget this bitch is mine!”
“The cat came back,” the nude mage said with a faint smile, but it was blatantly obvious that Major Andrews did not have the same sentiment.
“More interference?” The alchemist grunted. “And guns? Pathetic. Your weapons are no match for us.” The statement derived humble shrug from the shoulders of the Tiny Turtle.
“I can still beat the shit out of you with them,” Squirtle said with a cackle. “This I can do as well, asshole,” pulling the smaller triggers, the Pokémon fired a pair of forty millimeter grenades straight into the gut of the Truthbearer. The impact staggered the man of water and ice long enough for the turtle’s naked ally to ruin Andrew’s life with a serious of vehement blows to the startled soldier.
“You fools!” The officer roared—a wave of water and ice rippling out from his figure and throwing a wrench into the gears of Team Awesome’s offensive. “I have your powers, and soon I will have your souls!”
“You have my powers?” Squirtle inquired, taking a puff of the cigar that had somehow stayed perfectly put during the alchemist’s tantrum. “Wow, didn’t even notice that. Shows how much I don’t require them to kick your bitch ass,” the turtle pulled the trigger on both of his military weapons again. Andrews’ collapsed once again, startled by the explosive power of the guns. A few feet away, Red Mage began to chuckle as the Truthbearer crawled back up to a standing point.
“Bastards,” the man muttered as his body began crystallizing into a dense outfit of solidified ice.
“Awesome bastards,” the nude mage corrected before leaping forward to attack. Squirtle soon followed suit, and the unbridled pwnage resumed.
---
“Damn it all to hell,” Wartortle grumbled, turning the page to find nothing more than a bunch of marks were someone had ripped out part of the document. “I know I shouldn’t have let that faggot mage deal with writing this next portion,” the Turtle Pokémon added, seething as he scrambled throughout the notebook for what was left of the story. “Well here is the ending after I pretty much killed that fag Andrews, killed the second-in-command of the army, and single-handedly owned the asshole in charge of the whole operation…”
---
The veil of death began to cover Fate's eyes. His vision blurred and worsened until he shut his eyes in lieu of the pain. His face relaxed into something that was nothing more than a glorified death mask, and then his battered, mauled body made one last seizing motion as he drew his final breath.
"Hope, wait for me. This old man is finally coming home," the man gurgled, his eyes glazed over as he stared at some unseen entity.
A small blue foot came crashing down onto Fate's skull. Blood and bone splattered out beneath the foot of the Tiny Turtle. The Pokémon spat upon Fate's dead body and made one final comment.
"Shut the fuck up, fucker."
---
“So is that how the war was really ended, Uncle Wartortle?” One of the young Pokémon asked, his expression conveying what seemed to be a spec of doubt.
“Yes, it’s ended just like I say it did!” Wartortle grinned, turning the page to the next chapter. “Now here is where it gets interesting!”