Let's Read: Book Club #9

[Proto Man]

I did the feedback literally post-by-post as I read your thread. If at times it feels like I’m nitpicking small things like grammar or other conventions, it just means that I have zero complaints about your actual story but I still want to offer (what I believe to be) feedback to improve your writing.

Eudocia
[1] - Ah, I love a character who comes to the Omniverse with a purpose that isn’t ‘CRUSH DOMINATION WAAAAAGH SMASH.’ While I liked your first post, I did have some confusion over the town she ran into. Was it Carrefore? Town with No Name? I’m someone who loves the world as much as characters, so I would have like some more details woven in there. You don’t have to reveal, but some clues to help me as a reader go “AH! That’s where she is…” are something I appreciate.

Gilga
[2] – I kind of liked how jarring the phrase ‘lice-infested shithole’ was, seeing as how it came from out of nowhere. As someone who (I apologize) could stand to re-read your previous thread, that and the following remarks about masseuses really helped to clarify to me that I’m not reading about a nice guy. Nice touch with the failed summoning.

Personal flavor remark here - I don’t think I’m a fan of the whole cross-out you did. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you were going for, but it felt a bit jarring and as a reader pulled me back a little from the suspension of disbelief. Maybe opting for a quick mental correction by Gilgamesh instead? Like I said, this could just be my personal tastes flowing through, as I try to mostly write in a third-person limited scope through the eyes of character.

Okay so he’s a serious asshole. Check. Arrogant? Check. Potentially delusional? Maybe check.

Eudocia
[3] – I understand the importance of you writing the same events from the previous post from your character’s point of view given this is their first meaningful interaction. Usually that kind of thing on play-by-posts bugs me as a reader because nothing new happens, but like I said, I didn’t let this one get to me. I knew it’s important to know how Eudocia feels about meeting someone in the Omniverse.

That said I don’t like the reversal of the bolding. Even though I had just read the same text conversation, I kept confusing who was speaking because my brain told me that Gilgamesh was in bold. If you guys are going to format your text, you should use colors or have one person use bold and the other not bold or something.

This might be me, but I’m used to thoughts being italicized, so I don’t think you need the quotes #PersonalPreference. Be cautious, because you did fail to italicize some thoughts in this post.

Be wary of comma splices (having two independent clauses connected with commas when they should be separate sentences).

I think this has to deal with your backstory (note to self – read Nexus post), but Eudocia doesn’t seem vile or corrupted… she just seems like a lady with horns.

Gilgamesh
[4] – The bit about curled lips was weird. Like aesthetically pleasing to look at, right?

While the double quotes around the word monster are grammatically correct, I tend to prefer single quotes around anything that isn’t dialogue.

I can see why you’d leave it vague, but I would have liked some inkling as to how Gilgamesh felt about Eudocia. The fact that you use the phrase ‘appearance of honesty’ leads me to believe that he just plans to use her, which would make sense given his character. I guess I’ll just have to read more to find out!

Shouldn’t it be ‘shall conquer’? >_>

Eudocia
[5] – Okay, so Eudocia’s equal parts girl who wants to feel like she belongs and equal parts sadistic monster who revels in murdering people? Interesting dichotomy. I’m not turn off by the fact that she enjoys killing people, as I’m sure that’s probably rooted in the character history and previous threads, but I’m curious as to why she went along so easily with Gilgamesh (I mean she’s already playing the role of loyal servant here).

Gilgamesh
[6] – I agree, Gilgamesh, this girl is disgusting and vile… it’s just on the inside more so than the outside.

I always think it’s strange when people summon food and water. Isn’t that kind of like eating part of yourself? #omnilogic

I’m amused by how… I’m not sure what the word is that I’m looking for, but I was amused by Gilgamesh’s lackadaisical announcement that he’ll be conquering everyone today.

Eudocia
[7] – A bit quick with the summoning, since I don’t imagine Gilgamesh keeping his mouth shut for three minutes.

…How is there no bounty for you?

Okay, so we have the megalomaniac and the maniac. Interesting dynamic. Nice little mortifying bit with the marionette’d corpse.

Gilgamesh
[8] – I like the whole concept of Gilgamesh and his gates. I think it would have been nice to have him get a little more messed up than he did.

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I’mma just do a few paragraphs of general input about the rest of the thread, because this is taking too long doing this post-by-post.

I found it strange that these two, after reducing an unknown number of storm troopers into bloody bits, were able to go and stay semi-peacefully at a hotel in a town that’s not that huge. Isolated and lice-infested as it was, I imagine that they should have expected torches and pitchforks after butchering troopers and putting a horn through poor Kevin’s throat. That said, I did like the little scene with the poor lady. Even in doing something that looks nice from the outside, it reinforced my running belief that Gilgamesh is a slimeball.

I like the shift when the two actually left Carrefore to venture out into their own place. It kind of reminded me of a game of Minecraft, with two players avoided monsters in a wasteland until they run across an abandoned town that they intend to fix up. The scene where they get attacked by a monster reinforced this in my head. If only Minecraft had OM, it would be so much easier for me to build castles and palaces… *sigh*.

Gilgamesh is Sumerian!

Go into more detail about the palace. I want to learn more about the type of place that an egomaniac would create.

Final Notes:

All and all, I did like the story overall. I did feel like the first part was a little bit of a stretch in terms of believability, but I started to finally gel with the story once it shifted to the Dunes and then to what will one day be Gilgamesh’s kingdom. That’s the story I think I’m most interested in—how he takes all this coal and turns it into diamonds. I found Eudocia and Gilgamesh’s relationship a bit… strange. I didn’t like the way in which she just nonchalantly fell under Gilgamesh’s sway. The speed didn’t justify the degree of devotion she acquires so quickly (I mean, she calls his king and he calls her ‘his pet’… not exactly the healthiest relationship).

Then again, I’m not one to judge. I don’t judge those people who like to spice up their sex lives with stuff from 50 Shades, so I can’t fault a monster for her choices either I guess?

Also, I’d recommend that you try and not keep recycling the dialogue. There were parts where you had entire posts that were just the dialogue from the last post with different thoughts. It is possible to sum up a character’s reaction to the other’s words without reusing content, especially since we make a point of making new members not copy the Omni stuff verbatim into their Nexus posts.