(06-21-2018, 11:34 PM)Tyson Renegade Wrote: Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid136759
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal
Participating characters (please list): Tyson Renegade
Total character count including spaces: 56,080
Total word count: 10,090 words (Yes, Out of all of the Rpgs.....I accomplished a goal of 10k)
I award this thread the GREAT Bonus.
Due to multiple grammatical issues I award this thread a total bonus of %25
Tyson Renegade OM earned - 280.4
You have been writing much better in a lot of ways.
Your grammar has gotten much better, and I think you are starting to feel more comfortable in your writing. You are giving history and motivation to your characters. It is their history and the love triangle that truly drives this plot forward, not the murders. Anyone can write about murdering people, and most people on the OV do. What makes a thread interesting is the motivation and characters.
I think Lilith needs to develop as a character more if you want your readers to be invested in her. The reader got to know ashara very well, and not so much lilith.
The dialogue can be offputting, as the characters sometimes sound like they are speaking in a high-fantasy noble dialect, and sometimes as if in a Tarantino movie.
The main grammatical issue with this thread is run-on sentences. Commas and periods (and semicolons) are the hardest part of writing, in my opinion. It takes a bit of practice to know when to stop and start,, but when in doubt, read the sentence aloud.
Here is one example of a paragraph with run-on sentences, and an edited version below.
[spoiler]
Tyson opens the door placing the container on the table within it three sharingan eyeballs the vampire elder was shocked. He actually did kill the creature proving that the demon was useful to the vampire race but the elder wonders. If this Mangekyo Sharingan does exist could the vampire family race unlock this power from the Uchiha clan but research can be done. It will take some time, Tyson was thinking if this sharingan power was worth it however he'll do his own research upon it.
Tyson opens the door, placing the container on the table within it three sharingan eyeballs. The vampire elder was shocked. He actually did kill the creature, proving that the demon was useful to the vampire race, but the elder wonders. If this Mangekyo Sharingan does exist, could the vampire family race unlock this power from the Uchiha clan? But research can be done. It will take some time. Tyson was thinking if this sharingan power was worth it, however, he'll do his own research upon it.
[/spoiler]
EDIT: OM added by luci