06-17-2018, 03:18 AM
The reason i put this thread up for book club is because i had to read it several times because a follow up is planned. While i was reading it several things popped out which made my ow writing better. I am not looking for grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. This is about character building.
After the secondary saga Christa evolved into one of the most versatile and in depth NPC’s of the site. Her backstory has been fleshed out so well and this thread is a perfect example of how you do it.
Look at captain McGee, a small character who you immediately feel a connection with from the first line. That isn’t an easy thing to do. Writing dialogue in a way that immediately says so much about the character you feel like you know him already.
The journey you painted on the boat was beautifully done. Giving the reader a sense of time that passes on. I mean, you feel like they take forever travelling, making the journey this eventful makes the phrase : the end goal isn't important, it's the journey that matters, really come to justice.
Seeing as we need to give some critique there was one part that bothered me slightly:
“I’ll make you pay in blood,” the prime spat, “You -------- ---------- --------”
Why would you censor yourself like this? It really dropped the flow of the story. If the character uses swear words, go for it. This breaks the immersion for me personally. I understand its a choice for everyone personally, but i just don’t like it.
And then there is your crown piece...the big finale of the thread and your antagonist. The last time i read a bad guy of this caliber i was reading Alex’s top man book club story (damn you alex….this still hurts.)
Behemoth, what a character. The way he tortures Christa in an unconventional way is just brilliantly executed. Brainwashing, mental abuse, i love it.
“This game isn’t fun anymore,” Katia spoke in a monotone.
“I know sweetie, I came here to take you home,” Christa said, hesitant to reach out to her.
Now that part...that was both heartbreaking and chilling at the same time. Katia has endured so much….and having her say that sentence just…*sighs* Why can't they just have a happy ending?!
The last post… where she reaches out to a stranger for help as a last desperate attempt to survive gets the reader pumped. You know a new character will be involved and the plot will continue. Can't wait to see what will happen to Christa and Behemot.
After the secondary saga Christa evolved into one of the most versatile and in depth NPC’s of the site. Her backstory has been fleshed out so well and this thread is a perfect example of how you do it.
Look at captain McGee, a small character who you immediately feel a connection with from the first line. That isn’t an easy thing to do. Writing dialogue in a way that immediately says so much about the character you feel like you know him already.
The journey you painted on the boat was beautifully done. Giving the reader a sense of time that passes on. I mean, you feel like they take forever travelling, making the journey this eventful makes the phrase : the end goal isn't important, it's the journey that matters, really come to justice.
Seeing as we need to give some critique there was one part that bothered me slightly:
“I’ll make you pay in blood,” the prime spat, “You -------- ---------- --------”
Why would you censor yourself like this? It really dropped the flow of the story. If the character uses swear words, go for it. This breaks the immersion for me personally. I understand its a choice for everyone personally, but i just don’t like it.
And then there is your crown piece...the big finale of the thread and your antagonist. The last time i read a bad guy of this caliber i was reading Alex’s top man book club story (damn you alex….this still hurts.)
Behemoth, what a character. The way he tortures Christa in an unconventional way is just brilliantly executed. Brainwashing, mental abuse, i love it.
“This game isn’t fun anymore,” Katia spoke in a monotone.
“I know sweetie, I came here to take you home,” Christa said, hesitant to reach out to her.
Now that part...that was both heartbreaking and chilling at the same time. Katia has endured so much….and having her say that sentence just…*sighs* Why can't they just have a happy ending?!
The last post… where she reaches out to a stranger for help as a last desperate attempt to survive gets the reader pumped. You know a new character will be involved and the plot will continue. Can't wait to see what will happen to Christa and Behemot.
![[Image: giphy.gif]](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT0BKIP8jikNrRqjdK/giphy.gif)
You're naive. We're destroyers, not saviors. - Yu Kanda