06-06-2018, 04:01 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-07-2018, 10:17 PM by The Vision.)
(05-29-2018, 03:29 PM)Gilgamesh Wrote: The City of God: Repairs and Rebuilding
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10050
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ahana, Gilgamesh, Drake Oneir
Total character count including spaces: 62149 (Ahana), 20355(Gilgamesh), 4274 (Drake)
Total word count: 11495 (Ahana), 3508 (Gilgamesh), 729 (Drake)
I award the GREAT bonus to this thread for Ahana.
I award the participation bonus to Ahana, Gilgamesh, and Drake.
Ahana OM Eearned: 1242.98
Gilgamesh OM Earned: 203.55
Drake OM Earned: 42.74
Although I’m not grading Drake, it was a very cool cameo and Dudgeon is a badass npc.
AHANA GRADING
MECHANICS (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, RULES): Ooh, first-person present-tense. I see you switch tenses sometimes, like at the start of your last post. I don’t think it’s a mistake though, I think it is Ahana reflecting on the past few moments, so pretty cool effect actually.
You use elipses (the three dots…) sometimes when I think you mean to use a semicolon, or even a comma. You also use a lot of commas, which is ok, but anytime you have an odd number of commas in a sentence you should check your sentence over to make sure it reads correctly. There are a few times when your comma use confuses me; consider using ‘and’ sometimes instead of commas.
PLOT/PACING: Good. The pacing is slow but consistent, and you use your slow pacing to paint a very beautiful picture. I think that your pacing is not as well suited to fight scenes though, and I wouldn’t mind if it was a little less wordy. The second fight post was better I think.
The plot was perfect for what it was, a slice of life post with action and character development.
CHARACTERIZATION: Ahana is an instant classic. Your slow pace and first-person perspective lets the reader get to know her very well. Her crush on Gilgamesh is both funny and dark, and you stay consistent with her character through the whole thread.
AESTHETIC/DESCRIPTION: Great marks here. You slow down and describe the world around Ahana, and it really pays off. The first time I noticed was in your description of Gilgamesh and the townsfolk, describing him through Ahana’s eyes was really cool. I think later down the line you had to drop some of your descriptiveness in favor of pacing, which is a fair swap.
Gilgamesh Feedback
MECHANICS (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, RULES): Not bad.
PLOT/PACING: Your pacing is mid-range, not overly fast or slow. It makes for a good, but not as easy read. I like that, although Gilgamesh speaks kinda flowery, the rest of the tone of thread is not.
CHARACTERIZATION: It’s interesting to see what is going on behind Gilgamesh’s monarchal mask. I also like that Gilgamesh is a complex character.
He is fiercely protective of his people, telling the townsfolk to go inside and being concerned for Ahana. He also has the capability for extreme hatred, like he had towards Dudgeon.
Bonus point for Dudgeon, definite candidate for NPC of the month.
AESTHETIC/DESCRIPTION: Lacking a bit. There were definitely descriptions that I liked, but sometimes I wish there had been more. My favorite post was #5, the descriptions were amazing.
WRITING CHEMISTRY: I think you guys write great together, even if Ahana’s posts were quite a bit longer. Ahana and Gilgamesh are natural character’s together.
EDIT: EnVisioned