Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[Dane Regan]

Dead of the Night... Silently Happening
Personal
Participating characters (please list):
Promise and Ryan are NPC's of mine.
11,789 words
62,156 characters

(Already read this, and Ash wants the bonus for DA)

Mechanics: Generally good here. I found it a smooth read.
[spoiler]
At most, there were one or two minor tense changes - just where you typed an 's' instead of a 'd' and spellcheck probably didn't pick it up. But I wouldn't say they subtracted anything from this. For example:
"Ryan slapped the button to open the door and readies himself."
[/spoiler]
Plot/Pacing: You start off in some action and seamlessly manage to inject information (such as flashbacks or info about your characters) without it seeming like blatant exposition. It's never dull. But, while your characters have a clear aim and goal and work to fulfil there, there are many general unanswered questions that lead to a lack of fulfilment at times. Why is there a small city in the Frozen Fields? Why are there Zombies? Sure I can guess that was a mining institute hidden away somewhere - primarily filled with secondaries who haven't really left the area. And I could guess something like, "hey, it's near the pale mores, a zombie could have wandered over through the gate". I guess what I'm trying to say is - while this is a strong beginning of a story, it struggles to fit well into the world it was written in.

Characterization: This is, without a doubt, the strongest aspect of this thread. One of the struggles with writing an original NPC is that you have to try and define your character without just throwing information at the reader. For primes or unoriginal characters, they have their character sheets or an already known personality. Here, I think you did a good job of introducing Ryan and Promise, showing Promise try to cope and become more confident as the thread progressed as well as her blooming friendship with Ryan.

Aesthetic/Creativity: Your general tone often feels more like your recounting a story, so for some of the action scenes it almost feels a bit detached. A lot of it is you telling the reader what's happening, and while I can generally understand it, I think you could add some more detail at times to really drive a point home. Some situations could have used a bit more showing and a bit less telling - particularly when it comes to what your characters are feeling. I might know Promise is scared or in shock, but instead of just telling me, you could say something like, "her bones locked up in fear" - it doesn't have to be all the time, but at the more important moments, it doesn't hurt to be more vivid. Zombies are cliche. I wouldn't call this the most creative work out there - there's nothing about it that jumps out to say wow to me, at least for the premise and general ideas behind it. You're a good writer, but you're not the only person to write something with zombies so it's unlikely your story will be special. But, in my opinion, that doesn't matter and might actually be a good thing: less work on the setting and general themes but more work on the characters, which are special.

Style: Most of what I had to say here is summed up in the other categories. While your writing is never particularly flashy, you're good at telling what you need to tell. Some more references to the scenery would be nice, as I found it hard to picture at times, but outside of that, I can't add anything to what I've already said.

Overall, this was a really fun read, and I grew to like your characters. If you held off posting this for a few days and kept working on it, you could definitely have had a shot at exemplary. I might have sounded a bit pessemistic, but I wanted to at least try and offer some genuine thoughts and feedback (however rambly). Pls write a part 2.

Bonus: Excellent (+75%)
OM Earned: 932 OM