Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[PepsiWhirda]

Sands of Change
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10211
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Bandit With No Name
Total character count including spaces: 31368
Total word count: 6771

Hey Bandit,

Mechanics: A little shaky here and there, with a good number of careless errors.  It's easy to see you have the knowledge and the skill to avoid this stuff, so if you're looking to improve in this area I would suggest a quick proofread before posting.  Overall, you are a strong mechanical writer.

Plot/Pacing: I'm afraid there isn't much of a plot here.  To me, it seems like this thread is all beginning without much middle and end.  I know this is because you had to make it to Dante's Abyss (a common sight these days, stories cut off just when they're getting good), so I wouldn't deduct any points in this case.  In the future though, keep in mind that you'll receive a better score by submitting stories with a definable plot (i.e., don't try to game the OM system too hard ).  

Your pacing is very quick, with a disproportionate amount of dialogue.  This will be covered more in the last two categories, but suffice it to say you will benefit significantly from slowing down your pace and fleshing out the world around your characters, their thoughts and internal opinions, etc.

Characterization: This category is often used to discuss how your characters grow from start to finish.  This can be reflected in changing attitudes, new perspectives, surprising revelations, and the like.  But an often overlooked part of characterization, and one at which you really excel, is the ability to differentiate between your characters—to give them unique personalities—to allow conflict between them, once in a while, to impede progress—and to showcase their interactions in a realistic way.  This part of characterization is your greatest strength in this brief story.  There is conflict, sometimes without resolution.  There is humor and bare satire in the scenes in the club in Carrefore.  There is raw emotion in the exchange between Bandit and Caret when Bandit makes her inauspicious return to the Dunes.  All of your characters stay true to themselves, and do not waver when there is a compromise to be made or a shortcut to be taken which might progress the story quicker.  You're patient in keeping things solid.  Your dialogue is realistic, sharp, and often witty, if perhaps a little too vulgar.  I found myself laughing out loud when Bandit and Caret were running their white trash routine in the club.  It was also really excellent to see the difference in philosophy between Bandit and Shepard.  I could go on for a while in this section, but you get the gist. 

Aesthetic/Creativity: As touched on in the plot/pacing section, you sacrifice a lot of your aesthetic with the lack of description.  I get that it can be tough, particularly in the Dunes, to find fun new ways to describe sand, but when reading your story I found it hard to picture the world, the town, what your characters experienced with their senses, and so on.  There were flashes of brilliance in this regard, and you did take care to keep me aware of where we were at any given time.  The description of the club when they first walk in and even the short blurb about 'a waning moon dangling in the cloudless sky' demonstrate your great potential.  Try to squeeze in more of that juicy description to break up the rapid pace of your dialogue and you'll make great strides.

You get top marks for creativity.  From start to finish, everything felt both unique and real.  The stark contrast between your characters and their environment when in the club was a touch of genius, easily deserving of an Exemplary.  Digging into the philosophy behind the Omniverse is something I really appreciate and something we don't see enough of around here.  It's obvious you have a great picture in your head of what's going on and how you can use elements of the Omniverse to enrich the story.  

[spoiler]One slight note I want to make here.  There's a bit in your story where your character pays for drinks with raw Omnilium.  Just wanted to point out, while that isn't technically non-canon a secondary would have no use for Omnilium and that struck me as an example of interweaving the OV elements a little too much.  I had to check on this with Alex, who said it's fine but not necessarily a recommended approach.  Just food for thought.[/spoiler]

Style: This category sort of draws from every other category except mechanics, and I use it to discuss where you stand out stylistically from other writers and where you can edge up your shortcomings to put out a polished, finished product.  In general, not to sound like a broken record, I think you lean too heavily on your skills at writing characters and dialogue.  Your truly, truly excellent characterization is inhibited by a rapid pace and lack of descriptive elements, so I feel it never quite reaches its potential.  Try interspersing the writing with more hefty chunks of description to break up the pace and better immerse readers in the scene you're setting for them.  And last, but not least, keep expanding the philosophical elements.  It's a (mostly) unique touch that is very cool to read.

[spoiler]If you like (or hate, or anywhere in between) the way Luci or I grade your thread (format, content, etc.) please send a quick PM or Discord PM with your feedback.  This helps us mold the system into one that can best serve everyone on the OV.[/spoiler]

Irrespective of word count, I believe this thread is worthy of an Excellent bonus, carried up from Great by your sheer prowess in writing characters and dialogue.  Give me a long story with a defined plot and some juicy descriptions, and you'll have an Exemplary in no time.

Bonus: Excellent (+75%)
OM Earned: 470.52


---Wyatt Edit---