Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[PepsiWhirda]

Submitting a quest!

Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8966
Quest or Personal Storyline: Quest (Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Participating characters (please list): Ok Dongja
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 59719
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 10273

Hey Vision,

[spoiler]I'm experimenting with a different format for reviews.  Let me know what you think here or via PM, if you don't mind.[/spoiler]

Mechanics: I can count the errors I found on one hand—an errant comma here, unusual use of an em dash there.  Overall, your writing is excellent mechanically.  No issues here.

Plot/Pacing: Given this is a quest, I found your plot followed the requirements admirably.  As a side note, I really enjoy the practice of updating the word count and quest requirements in a quote at the bottom of the post; I appreciate that.  From start to finish, you took an intuitive path to reach your goal.  Exceeding the word count shows you weren't rushed, but rather wanted to resolve the crucial details without much regard for the 'best efficiency point,' which is also appreciated.  That being said, the pacing of this story felt incredibly rapid overall.  Dominated by dialogue, you interwove what sparse details you offered well, not disrupting the pace in the moment.  I can't help but feel that you could have done the gravity of the situations more justice by breaking up your dialogue and including more detail.  

Characterization: This is an area where I feel you struggled.  In 10,000 words, I would expect your characters to grow in their thought process and their experience.  There are two examples I'd like to use to illustrate.  First, at the start of the story, Ok wakes up in the body of a monkey.  Throughout the story, we hear a lot of Ok complaining about the restrictions he perceives are being imposed on him by his new form.  What I feel is lacking is that experimental instinct inherent in all people.  I would have liked to see him try to make use of the prehensile tail or the hand-like feet, something along those lines.  Certainly, there are advantages as well as disadvantages of being a monkey, but we never see a change in perspective as the story winds on.  Second, while Ok is undergoing the intense trials of training to become a member of the Mages' Guild, there is similarly a lot of grumbling.  Characters enduring harsh conditions and emerging triumphant is a timeless storytelling tool, and it's doubtless you put Ok through trials worthy of the quest at hand.  And Ok did grow in the sense that he unlocked his potential and grew in power during the training.  However, I would have liked to read some more about how Ok realizes the necessity and value of the Master's training when it begins to yield results—that aha moment of elucidation that really demonstrates progress.  

As a brief final note, I did enjoy Master Millet's character and think he was handled well.  The staff divulging his crush on a former pupil is a great example of how you can grow a character and adjust the reader's expectations as the story goes on.  

Aesthetic/Creativity: I see both strengths and weaknesses here.  The overall aesthetic of Dalaran as a place of whimsy and humor was very well-handled.  I genuinely had fun reading all the zany ways magic was interwoven into daily life in the city.  However, a lot is left up to the imagination due to the sparse description, so I felt the beauty and grandeur of Dalaran fell by the wayside for this quest.  It's clear you are a talented writer with no shortage of creativity, so in future submissions I'd like to see you slow down and really build an experience for the reader, engaging their senses and painting a picture of the world around your characters. 

Style: Your tone when writing is very casual, which is an interesting lens through which to view Dalaran and Ok's struggles.  Through dialogue, you managed to convey most of the important story details the reader needed not to get lost in translation, but your style is so dialogue heavy, as I've mentioned a few times already, that it reads less like a story and more like a script.  The advantage of staying engaged with the quick pace and witty repartee was somewhat overshadowed by my desire to know more about Ok's surroundings, his thoughts, and the small details of character interaction that really breathe life into a tale.  

Every writer's style is their own, and I don't mean for you to take this as heavy criticism.  Your story was fun to read; you completed your quest with good attention to detail; and, I think you have planted the seed for a great character moving forward. 

Any questions, comments, or criticisms of this review, please let me know!

Doug

Bonus: Great! (+50% OM)
OM Earned: 597.19

Quest: The Sorcerer's Apprentice (Complete!)
Reward: Increased influence with the Kingdom.

---Update---

Wyatt clearing for landing