Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[PepsiWhirda]

Cleaning up the streets
Personal storyline

Yu Kanda - 13414 Words 74060 Characters with spaces
Victor Wolfe - 8232 Words 44272 Characters with spaces

Hey guys,

I'll start with solo reviews then give something a little more broad about the interplay of your characters. 

Yu Kanda: 

Your characterization stands out as your strong suit to me.  Your characters have unique and distinctive personalities, interact naturally, and your dialogue is fairly natural and believable.  The gravitas of your writing is commendable.  The stakes and the situation at hand are clearly laid out without too much exposition and the pacing doesn't suffer; specifically, you show us what's happening through the behavior and conversations of your characters, rather than wasting your time just telling us.  

I am also impressed by your attention to detail.  An example is when Yu Kanda is addressing the gathered guards of Nippur.  There is good nuance in the offer to allow those who no longer wish to be guards to move on, and you make sure to specify that those who do move on will lose the privilege of the uniform.  These details go a long way toward keeping readers immersed and keeping the story believable.  

Just as characterization, gravitas, and attention to detail are what I see as your strengths, I think your weaknesses are grammar and formatting, as well as aesthetic.  You mentioned you want some in-depth feedback regarding grammar, so I'll send that to you in a PM.  In short, the areas I would research and focus on are the difference between independent and dependent clauses, the rules of punctuation when writing dialogue, and working to get a better sense of when to end a paragraph and start a new one (Tip: Whenever a new character starts speaking, starting a new paragraph will keep things easy to understand.)  Other than these areas, the issues were relatively minor and wouldn't warrant a loss of bonus %, so those are the areas to focus the most on improving.  

Aesthetic is the word I use to mean how you describe the world around your character and how easy it is for the reader to picture the setting.  In this area, I found the story lacking.  I would recommend paying more attention to describing the city and the things Yu Kanda smells, sees, hears, and touches. 

PS: I am still referring to politicians as word magicians.  By far my favorite line in the entire thread.

Victor: 

Your blend of humor and psychopathy makes for a really great character in Victor.  He's a guy who gets shit done but never forgets to have fun doing it; you make that apparent from the get-go and your writing is snappy and fun from start to finish.  I'm also struck by your sense of pacing.  You pay adequate attention to just as much as you have to to set the stage, without going off on any tangents.  Your strengths are in the details, the aesthetic, and the characters.  When Victor and Yu Kanda get to the bakery, taking note to mention the breadcrumbs on the tables is a great little detail that shows you pay attention to and are invested in the world you're creating.  

However, this also brings up a couple of issues I found in your writing, which are the dreaded exposition and some extremely devilish run-on sentences.  I can cover both with a single example.

The Bakery came into view, sandstone like the usual Nippur architecture and with a chimney letting out the sweet and relaxing smell of freshly made bread, if this place was simply a front for a shadow organisation they at least tried to keep up the illusion that it was a legitimate business, so they could not just storm in and start making arrests like the good guardsman would probably like to do, no, they would have to be subtle, with how suspicious this place was Victor doubted that the baker himself could tell them to much, probably a lower ranking member.

This sentence is a mess for both of the reasons stated above.  I want to avoid turning these reviews into grammar lessons so I can focus on the meat and potatoes of what makes your story great, but I would also bone up on independent vs dependent clauses if you want to see a fast and noticeable improvement in your writing.  Exposition, on the other hand, is the difference between saying "they could not just storm in and start making arrests like the good guardsman would probably like to do" and showing the reader that line of reasoning through dialogue and behavior.  A short conversation between Yu Kanda and Victor where they discuss battle plans and express their frustration that they can't bust in with guns blazing would be a better way to convey the same information. 

Combined: 

This section doesn't have much bearing on the bonus being awarded, but it's a chance for me to comment on how you two write together and how I enjoyed the overall plot.  

First off, the chemistry between Yu Kanda and Victor Wolfe is hysterical and I would definitely read more if it was available.  The contrast of personality between the stoic, serious Yu Kanda and the zany, always joking Victor made for some great moments, such as the exchange of blows outside the bakery.  The plot progressed naturally and had some nice twists and turns, especially Victor's con and the old tea lady turning out to be the mastermind behind the assassination attempt.  Overall, you guys displayed awesome creativity.

One general problem I had is that the big reveal with the tea lady as the bad guy had very little build-up.  I would have liked to see you guys draw that out further to add some tension and suspense to the reveal.  Overall, though, I think the two of you make a great team and I look forward to seeing you collaborate again in the future!

As a general tip for both of you, I would recommend slowing down, reading back over your writing before posting it, and paying closer attention to run-on sentences.

Yu Kanda Bonus: Great! + Participation
OM Earned: 1,481.2

Victor Wolfe Bonus: Great! + Participation
OM Earned: 885.44

----Wyatt Edit----OM Given ouuuut