Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[PepsiWhirda]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=7489
The Odd Couple
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Rory Swann, Karax (NPCs of Jim), Jim Raynor
Total character count including spaces: 74,421
Total word count: 13,102

Giving this a bump.

I'll take this one.

Hey Jim/Cell,

I've read some of your Illidan posts since I returned to the site.  I am always struck by your sense of nuance, especially in the dialogue and the relationships between your characters.  Many writers struggle with this idea of wanting their characters to be liked, both by the reader and by each other, but the thing is: heroism isn't descending on your enemies, massacring them, and moving on without a scratch.  By my estimation, your characters are made all the more heroic--and all the more likeable--because their existence is something of a constant struggle.  From the first post, there's always something to endure.  Whether it's the constant, exhausting heat of the Town With No Name, or the break down in communication between Swann and Karax, or the trials the two companions face in the desert.  Your characters remain believable throughout.  In particular, the writing for Karax was spot on, reminiscent of old Star Trek where the profound difference in perspective adds great tension and humor to the story.  Karax was my favorite character, guided always by his principles and his idea of what is right, rather than what is easy or serves to benefit him.  

As far as plot goes, your pacing is excellent and great attention is given to developing your relationships without sacrificing the story's progress.  If I had any criticism, it would be that you sometimes forego diving into descriptions of the surroundings and the scene.  I had some difficulty picturing the bar in the first few posts, or the destroyed industrial building in the desert, because you leave a lot to the imagination.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'd like to see you dive deeper into what your characters are experiencing with their senses.  Slow down a little bit to set the scene, and I think you'll find it adds a great deal to the immersion of the reader.  As it is, the story is carried by the characters and by your truly excellent dialogue, but it's lacking in pulling me into the world you're creating.

Mechanically, I noticed maybe five or six small grammatical errors throughout, nothing that detracted from the story.  I'm not partial to the method of showing telepathic communication with <>, but that's just a stylistic choice and doesn't change my grade.  In my opinion, it serves to remind the reader they're reading a story and also cuts down on the immersion bit, but truly it's no big deal.  

I know it's probably annoying, but I am going to hold off on assigning a bonus for a short time.  I have a potential change to the system in the works on the staff side and I would like to get more feedback and see how that pans out before rendering a decision.  Suffice it to say, I think this thread falls just short of Exemplary, but I'm not comfortable giving it a mere 50% bonus.  More to come.

Quick Edit: I also wanted to point out, I think Karax calibrating the teleporter to take them back home was a good choice.  Some might see it as a cop out, but I think the story had reached a satisfying conclusion.  I do think you could have drawn out their encounter with the giant worm a little longer though.

Doug

Further to this post by Alex (http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid133607), I am awarding this thread the Excellent bonus.

Bonus: Excellent
OM Earned: 1,116.32