05-04-2018, 09:51 PM
Jak Mar
1st page: I like the color coded stats for your forms. I kinda wish you'd included the T2 into it as well, since it looks so nice. Remove the signature to reduce bulk. Quick Guide. Otherwise, it's fine.
2nd page: Did you mean to use different blues here? It made me think they were links, for a second. It looks like you copy-pasted from a Jak wiki. This is fine, but you need to proofread them to remove links and I suggest removing formatting when you post it, since I could see some slightly darker lettering. Unless you were trying to cliffnotes, in which case I suggest using a starkly different color from the body of the text.You might also want to throw these blurbs into spoilers, since it's so large. The threads portion, again, has weirdly different colors and formatting. But I enjoyed that you have a quick synopsis next to each link. The Personality you pulled from the wiki may not reflect YOUR Jak anymore. I'd suggest redoing it. This post was CRAZY large and hard to navigate. I'd suggest breaking it up into at least 3 posts to make it easier to navigate. Signature.
3rd page: formatting is an issue again here.There's a few instances where you might wanna ask a pal to help you reword a Move to look nicer, but other than those things, it's fine. The descriptions are generally short enough to not need cliffnotes. Signature.
4th page: why did you put more Moves here? They could have been fine on the previous page. Signature.
5th page: N/A
6th page: Broken links and an outdated page. I'd nix it. Signature.
7th page: I wish there was more details to tell me about what kind of relationship Jak and/or Daxter has with these people. Bonus points if you include perspectives from BOTH of them. Signature.
8th page: Basic, but fine. Describe what Storm Demon Handcuffs are and look like. Signature.
9th page: Why did you quote a page you already had and not add anything else? I'd nix this page as well. Signature.
Overall: Whew! That was a big one! Particularly that second post. I'd consider condensing some pages with similar topics, removing the outdated and extra posts, and separating out the super long 2nd post into smaller, bite-sized morsels. Get a friend to help you rewrite some of the Move descriptions to make them read better, and do the same for your History and Personality. It'll take some time and effort, but you'll feel a lot of pride when it's accomplished.
1st page: I like the color coded stats for your forms. I kinda wish you'd included the T2 into it as well, since it looks so nice. Remove the signature to reduce bulk. Quick Guide. Otherwise, it's fine.
2nd page: Did you mean to use different blues here? It made me think they were links, for a second. It looks like you copy-pasted from a Jak wiki. This is fine, but you need to proofread them to remove links and I suggest removing formatting when you post it, since I could see some slightly darker lettering. Unless you were trying to cliffnotes, in which case I suggest using a starkly different color from the body of the text.You might also want to throw these blurbs into spoilers, since it's so large. The threads portion, again, has weirdly different colors and formatting. But I enjoyed that you have a quick synopsis next to each link. The Personality you pulled from the wiki may not reflect YOUR Jak anymore. I'd suggest redoing it. This post was CRAZY large and hard to navigate. I'd suggest breaking it up into at least 3 posts to make it easier to navigate. Signature.
3rd page: formatting is an issue again here.There's a few instances where you might wanna ask a pal to help you reword a Move to look nicer, but other than those things, it's fine. The descriptions are generally short enough to not need cliffnotes. Signature.
4th page: why did you put more Moves here? They could have been fine on the previous page. Signature.
5th page: N/A
6th page: Broken links and an outdated page. I'd nix it. Signature.
7th page: I wish there was more details to tell me about what kind of relationship Jak and/or Daxter has with these people. Bonus points if you include perspectives from BOTH of them. Signature.
8th page: Basic, but fine. Describe what Storm Demon Handcuffs are and look like. Signature.
9th page: Why did you quote a page you already had and not add anything else? I'd nix this page as well. Signature.
Overall: Whew! That was a big one! Particularly that second post. I'd consider condensing some pages with similar topics, removing the outdated and extra posts, and separating out the super long 2nd post into smaller, bite-sized morsels. Get a friend to help you rewrite some of the Move descriptions to make them read better, and do the same for your History and Personality. It'll take some time and effort, but you'll feel a lot of pride when it's accomplished.
![[Image: Jacksig.png]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/04/13/Jacksig.png)