Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[Wyatt the Swift]

Starting to go back and help out.

Dane's Feedback -I'm writing as i'm reading it so it might be a bit sporadic. spoilers you recieve a great bonus.

[spoiler]

Out of the stone gateway and into the realm of Camelot walked Dane

This might be a style thing of yours but immediately reading this is weird. It's passive voice and makes the tone immediately weird.

Again it might be a style thing of yours but you go for a whole paragraph describing why Dane chose this specific gate.
Not saying describing your motives are bad but a lot of it seemed unneccesary. I got the point fairly quickly.

Anyway

I'm being a little picky but Anyways is a pretty meh transition, it's super informal and sounds like you are talking to me.
You could try working on switching thought processes in a cleaner way.

Overall from just your first post you tend to overdescribe things. This kind of breaks immersion so maybe be more succinct in your descriptions.

Er....what do all the colors mean?It looks like thought processes but im confused.Oh you have multiple thoughts? Like personalities?

Yeah you definitley overexplain things.If you make things more succinct it would make it much better.


You freuquently describe dane as 'lazy' but it really contridicts your thought process. Everything Dane looks to be seems to be insightful and
often an overthinker. Lazy would imply not caring enough.

You do the thing again. Where you overexplain something that the reader understands.

The real question that lingered in his mind was: should he? Should he bring them back or recreate them here? They'd get another shot at life, potentially. But was bringing back and abandoning someone he'd previously killed really a good idea? Probably not. But what could they do? Maybe they'd be thankful, and if not he'd just have to waste his time killing them again. But he didn't want to do that. Nonetheless, Dane decided for once that he should do this. It'd linger and drag on him and wear away at his mind until he at least tested it. Then maybe he could consider Ivy. In general, though, Ishmir was a crap leader, but he did follow rules at least - even if he did the bare minimum of his own thinking. Using a follower like that wasn't bad. And Drake, while being a typical brute, would at least recognise messing with Dane to be a bad idea. He was one of the later joiners to Dane's battalion, aged at twenty or so. Maybe closer to thirty. Dane didn't understand how he'd avoided military service for that long, unlike the others who were mostly much younger adults: only just aged enough to join combat. But The Kingdom had needed soldiers, so soldiers they had to be.

This would be so much more compelling if this was not overdone. There's a difference between overthinking and really overthinking.

You're doing it again with the Pegasus. A bit overexplainy.

okay I like the talking horse. good on you.

"You're flying at thirty-five meters per second, and you almost crashed into a tree!"

How do you know how fast she's going.

She neighed and started trotting forwards. "I'm on it master."

Master?

That's my reaction.

"I wouldn't call a library an adventure."

"Shut your mouth you overgrown turkey."

Cepheya laughed. "You're silly."

she's gotten a lot less sassy. I'd be careful with changing character dynamics so quickly. It was looking to be like a sassy relationship
where they both annoy each other but not it seems different.

"You almost crashed into a tree. And you definitely knocked a few leaves off. Anyway, let's get going to Dalaran." Dane clapped his hands and swiftly climbed into the saddle, making Cepheya squeak before she tried to mask it with a cough. Dane laughed.

This is super abrupt. Maybe have some banter. Otherwise it seems like your just trying to push the story along.


overall the story is nice but sometimes there are somethings that drag it down a bit. For example the contrast between being more comic Dane and being super analytical Dane is weird and there is no onset of the change. It just seems like it occurs at random intervals. Also explaining magic is very...not interesting to read. You do it a lot with 'core magic' and 'field magic' which is  nice to have an analogy or two or to explain it well if its important to you and your character but doing it 2-4 times is monotonous.[/spoiler]

Dane = 1314.63

Ahana - Exemplary Bonus I've read this thread before so my comments will be less intensive. If you want more thourough comments message me and I will oblige.

[spoiler]
I like the way you do first person. It's kinda hard but you manage to do it well. Also I like the theme of OM being a limited resource and how Ahana deals with it.

You sometimes have awkward phrasings but im sure proofreading in the future will take care of it. For example
[quote assuming this thus far

Just reads weird to me.

 heretofore unheard of

the heretofore bugs me. I get what your sayng but...it just seems weird.

Overall the thread remains the same theme. Your strongest suits are describing personal feelings and dialogue. You manage to create Ahana as a character and make me want to read more about her. Right now she feels like an underdog and I want to root for her. One of your weak suits though is awkward phrasings. Occasionally you have awkward phrases or words that break immersion. Some proofreading will alleviate that

Real quick I just wanted to say this.

Carrefore. The Town With No Name. Nippur.

Boring. Bland. Broken.

I love this. This is golden. This doesn't say much but it describes so much.  [/spoiler]

Ahana = 1516.08

I'll put these in your logs shortly.