03-26-2018, 09:18 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-26-2018, 10:08 PM by Jade Harley.)
*strolls into the thread wearing colorful Bermuda shorts and a pair of aviator sunglasses*
Alrighty. Back to the grind! Let's see what's in the old in-tray...
This is pretty solid. You've got a nice bit of intrigue going on here with the shady head of research imprisoning her predecessor. My one issue with it plot-wise is that I don't know that I can see the Empire's research directors objecting to Dr. Ivanov's research methods on ethical grounds; their bureaucracy isn't exactly known for being a bastion of moral integrity. Inefficient use of Prime resources, breaking established operational protocol, and the unwritten mortal sin of failing to adequately back your power-play seem more likely to me; but of course, it's entirely possible that Dr. Solus - or even Kior - is being lied to by the board of directors, or that 'ethical grounds' only arise when someone gets caught fucking up (which is itself potential fuel for future plots. I'm tempted to write something exploring those sort of shady internal politics myself!)
Stylistically, you're mostly golden. Paragraphs, spelling, punctuation - all solid. Your diction breaks down a little in later posts: minor structural issues with your sentences, mostly. This for instance:
I've never played Mass Effect, but you bring Mordin Solus across very convincingly as a moral person who is also a killer, and I like the way he thinks out loud as a sort of cognitive aid. I can tell you have a very strong feel for the character.
Anyway. I was about to give you an Exemplary bonus, but I just realized Dane beat me to it. Still posting this, because damned if I'm going to write a C&C and then keep it to myself.
Alrighty. Back to the grind! Let's see what's in the old in-tray...
(03-17-2018, 07:58 PM)Mordin Solus Wrote:(03-03-2018, 11:38 PM)Mordin Solus Wrote:Quote:The Empire
Hand of the Empire OR There Are No Lines OR Empire Justice (must choose one)
Requirements: Not affiliated with the Kingdom, Pokemon Liberation Front or Rebels.
Difficulty: Moderate (5000-10,000 words dependent on writing quality)
Reward: increased Influence with the Empire.
Scientist Salarian
Quest or Personal Storyline? Quest (There Are No Lines)
Participating characters (please list): Mordin Solus
Total character count including spaces: 62,810
Total word count: 11,309
Gentle bump.
This is pretty solid. You've got a nice bit of intrigue going on here with the shady head of research imprisoning her predecessor. My one issue with it plot-wise is that I don't know that I can see the Empire's research directors objecting to Dr. Ivanov's research methods on ethical grounds; their bureaucracy isn't exactly known for being a bastion of moral integrity. Inefficient use of Prime resources, breaking established operational protocol, and the unwritten mortal sin of failing to adequately back your power-play seem more likely to me; but of course, it's entirely possible that Dr. Solus - or even Kior - is being lied to by the board of directors, or that 'ethical grounds' only arise when someone gets caught fucking up (which is itself potential fuel for future plots. I'm tempted to write something exploring those sort of shady internal politics myself!)
Stylistically, you're mostly golden. Paragraphs, spelling, punctuation - all solid. Your diction breaks down a little in later posts: minor structural issues with your sentences, mostly. This for instance:
Quote:She was clearly Jor's twin, in every way physically.Is a little clunky following the comma, and would contain exactly the same amount of information if the latter part were to be removed. You have a tendency to add extraneous words to sentences which lack additional information or aesthetic impact, and although they're always mechanically correct, they can make your prose seem awkward at times.
I've never played Mass Effect, but you bring Mordin Solus across very convincingly as a moral person who is also a killer, and I like the way he thinks out loud as a sort of cognitive aid. I can tell you have a very strong feel for the character.
Anyway. I was about to give you an Exemplary bonus, but I just realized Dane beat me to it. Still posting this, because damned if I'm going to write a C&C and then keep it to myself.
Quote:As noted in the above post, I've updated Mordin's log. - Jadedit.