This Thing Don't Look So Tough

[Strazio Rockwell]

Just outside of Darkshire’s fortified walls the two primes found themselves prepping for the coming adventure.

“Okay so according to Rumford the Primordial Scar is a few days in uh,” Strazio took a moment to orient himself before pointing off to the horizon, “that direction, I think.”

“A few days?” Gamzee asked, “that’s like a motherfuckin’ eternity.”

Strazio shrugged, and answered “yeah, well it’d be quicker if we took horses, but…”

“But what?”

“But, I don’t know how to ride a horse,” Strazio muttered, apparently embarrassed by this fact.

Gamzee grinned, clapped a hand on his mentor’s shoulder, and said, “don’t you worry your sparky little head brother, Uncle Gamzee’s got this motherfucker figured out.”

Strazio cringed, but didn’t say anything. With a snicker the troll called upon that miraculous stuff known as Omnilium. Gamzee turned away from Strazio and set to work summoning some sort of contraption. Rockwell raised an eyebrow. Gamzee glanced over his shoulder and motioned for Strazio to turn around.

“No peeking,” the troll said in a sing-songy fashion.

Strazio sighed and obliged his companion. Daylight was being burned, not that the Moors had much daylight to burn, but he still hated waiting. To occupy time he fiddled with the small tin of pellets that he had bought from Godwin. Several pills of various colors filled the silver tin that fit comfortably in his palm. Godwin had said the green ones were good for the body while the blue ones rejuvenated the soul. However there was one pellet unlike the rest, it was a chalky yellow and smelled like a campfire. He pinched the pill between his fingers and tapped it against his tongue. He nearly gagged, the thing tasted like vomit. Godwin said to use the yellow one in case of an emergency and he prayed that he never had to find out just how gnarly the thing was going down.

“Tada!” Gamzee exclaimed.

Strazio turned around and his jaw nearly dropped.

“The fuck is that?” Strazio asked.

Gamzee sat straddling this three-wheeled contraption. It was a motorcycle complete with a sidecar, not that Strazio knew that. Puffs of fruit-scented smoke were coughed out by the exhaust pipes every now and again. A slick black and purple paint job covered the machine’s sleek contours. Gamzee grinned and blipped the throttle, forcing the engine to bark and cough up a cloud of the fruity Faygo smoke. Completing the ridiculous ensemble was a pair of goggles with shiny purple lenses strapped to the grinning clown’s face.

“Motherfuckin’ Mirthful Faygo-powered Motorbike,” Gamzee tilted his head towards the sidecar, “hop on in brother and get ready for the ride of your life.”

“No,” Strazio said, “I’m not getting in that thing, I’ll walk.”

With that said the white-haired mage turned on his heels and began walking towards the Primordial Scar. Gamzee released an audible groan which Strazio chose to ignore. Slowly the faygo-powered cycle revved to life and crept up behind the disgruntled mage. Strazio began to walk faster, trying to outpace the motorbike. Gamzee zipped past him, forcing the bike to belch up a cloud of rainbow smoke.

“Come on bro,” Gamzee groaned, “this thing is so motherfuckin’ coooool and walkin’ is so motherfuckin’ laaaaaame.”

“Nope,” Strazio answered, “not going to do it.”

Gamzee pouted, “Strawsoooo, if we walk s’gonna take forever, and I betcha that Atlos guy is gonna get there before us and take all the Trasq killin’ for himself.”

“First of all, it’s Atelos, second it’s Tarrasque,” Strazio said, walking past the bike, “thirdly, I don’t give a damn about Atelos so if he wants to go get his shit knocked around by the Tarrasque he can be my guest.”

For a moment there was nothing but the soft growling of the faygo bike’s engine and the squish Strazio’s boots.

“Didn’t you say that Atlos motherfucker was part of Darkshire’s government?”

“Yeah?” Strazio answered, failing to see the point.

“So’s your buddy Shang,” Gamzee said, “betcha they’re both going together and betcha they’re going to beat us and take all the glory.”

Strazio stopped in his tracks. Shang Omni-damned Tsung, now there was a person that he could’ve lived the rest of his life without thinking about. Sparks flickered across his body, ultimately arcing from his hair into the open air with a menacing crackle. He took a deep breath, it didn’t help. With his fists white knuckle tight the rage mage turned around and walked over to the sidecar.

“Fine,” Strazio said, “let’s go, but I swear to Omni if this thing gets us killed I’m going to kill you.”

Gamzee snickered and cheered, “you won’t regret it Strawso, now buckle up ‘cause you’re in the for the most miraculous motherfuckin’ ride of your motherfuckin’ life.”

“Just go,” Strazio groaned.”

With that said Gamzee opened up the throttle and the two primes blazed off into the sunset, followed by a snaking trail of scintillating rainbow smoke.