Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[King Ghidorah]

This is for the actual quest progression
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=4509
Quest
Participating characters (Gilgamesh):
Total character count including spaces (112571)
Total word count (20036)
According to Google Docs

I would also like to submit it for participation(or any other writing bonuses that could apply), but my participation with others was spotty since at some point i was writing alone and dropped off the face of the earth.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=4509
Quest
Participating characters (Gilgamesh, Sasuke(Allanon), Kuzuru(Zanzibar), Shang Tsung(Argento) ):
Total character count including spaces (Gilgamesh: 95316 , Sasuke 19606, Kuzuru 15651, Shang Tsung 7168)
Total word count (Gilgamesh: 16861 words, Sasuke 3283, Kuzuru 2787,  Shang Tsung 1261)
According to WordCounter

*laces up his judgin' boots* 
*buckles up his judgin' belt*
*loads his judgin' rifle* 
*meets y'all on the gravel road outside the judgin' shack*

Alrighty. Here we go. I'm putting on my hardcore literary critic hat for this one, so I'm going to save you the suspense and say that I am in fact giving you the approval, and the accompanying Exemplary bonus. Your grasp of pacing, punctuation and plot are all solid, and you have only very, very occasional proof-reading errors (There were three instances of tense-switching, which would typically have me waving a torch and baying for your blood, but I'm like a carnival booth: I give you a pass every ten-thousand words, and you get one free). You create vivid pictures using not just images but sounds and sensations. Sentences like this:

The strong smell of sulfur and iron forced its way up the Fallen King’s nose.

And this:

 The demon roared in pain before ripping out the blade and smacking Gilgamesh with the hilt of his own sword. 

Are worth their weight in gold.

As huge Fate/Zero fan, I'm glad you write Gilgamesh. You have an excellent voice for the character, and you've written him believably in awful, alien circumstances. That is not an easy thing, and I tip my literary-criticizin' hat to you. 

*racks the bolt on the judgin' rifle and spits in the grass*

All that said, I very nearly went the other way on this decision. I went so far as to write up an apologetic denial condemning you with a mere Great bonus and requiring ten-thousand more words - then I had a cup of tea, went back, and read the story again. Even so, I remain precariously balanced on that fence, which is why you're getting Ozarks Ghidorah instead of the usual flavor.  

The reasons for my indecision are inside this here totally nondescript cardboard spoiler-box. 
[spoiler]
Your writing, while excellent in broad form, has a problem with its diction. Not the mechanics per-se, but the way in which you frame  sentences and place words is occasionally jarring. It manifests in several ways:

-You have a tendency to throw unnecessary qualifiers into descriptions -
By way of example, the bolded parts of these three sentences:

 The ground almost seemed as if it was made out of a black soot

It looked as if it had wispy grey hair and it was hunched over with a disgusting, protruding belly.

A burning pain seared across Gilgamesh’s wrist, a scar slowly began to materialize, almost marking his first death of many in this godless world.

Can safely be deleted, and the prose becomes stronger for it. Extra qualifiers blur the pictures you're trying to convey, or (especially in the case of the third one) confuse the reader.

-You repeat words a lot -
 It's not a constant thing, but I definitely noticed it. While not technically incorrect, repetition can make prose seem dry, especially during fights. This sentence:

The mad demon was swinging furiously, his warhammer swinging as fast as if he were swinging a twig. 

Is the worst offender - you used 'swinging' three times in rapid succession, and while that was appropriate to the in-narrative context it came across as awkward for the reader. English has a ton of synonyms, many of which contain shades of meaning. If you're having trouble expressing something without repetition, a thesaurus (either a physical one or thesaurus.com) is an invaluable tool. 

-You sometimes over-explain- 
For example, the bolded portion of this:

The goblin snickered and put his boot in the king’s face. The dirt caked shoe smeared its filth over his face and his golden hair. The boot pushed off with a final kick, forcing Gilgamesh’s face into the ground, stirring up dust.

 
Can safely be shortened to "One final kick forced Gilgamesh's face into the ground, stirring up dust." You've already established the footwear. When you're writing action, bear in mind whether you've already shown the reader the elements involved and whether its adding anything if you mention them again.  Eliminating extraneous explanation, even if its only a couple of words, can make for a much smoother read.  

-the form of your sentences is sometimes awkward-
You have an affinity for the passive voice, and it shows up in places where it isn't always appropriate, leading to hard-to-decipher sentence-forms. This diminishes as the thread goes on (which is awesome, because it shows you improved as you wrote this story) but its something you should try and be aware of.  

-Lastly, you sometimes use the wrong word- 
Some of these  may be autocorrect biting you in the ass, in which case feel free to ignore me here. But you sometimes use a word that sounds a lot like a word that would be appropriate to the context, but isn't. Here for instance:

His vision faded to black for a few second and he could feel his conscience fading. 

I'm pretty certain you meant consciousness, especially because you use the correct word several times later on. However, you also use the word 'vindication' (proof of innocence or that your actions/thoughts were correct) in several different spots where I think you meant 'conviction' (certainty or determination, particularly regarding the correctness of a belief or course of action). There are other examples, but it's two-AM now and my brain is getting tired.  

[/spoiler]
 
*kicks Gilgamesh with the judgin' boot*

Gilgamesh: 2251.42 + 953.16

*shoulders the judgin' rifle and sights on the rest of y'all varmints* 

Sasuke: 196.06
Kuzuru: 156.51
Shang Tsung: 71.68

Them fella's from the Revenue'll get y'all your bonuses. Now git off my land.

OM Added by Trixie 3/10/18