03-03-2018, 11:18 PM
So that whole meeting with Omni happened, which was great.
It was great because the last thing Drake knew, he had been falling out of a third-story window after sampling a treacherous swig of some stupid health drink. The one-armed bandit splashed down, face first into the Fountain of Infinity with all the divine grace of a clam-fritter into a deep fryer. Except no, it wasn't a splash, because some asshole had made the water sand. Regardless, Drake's own personal touch was added to this most august of Omniverse landmarks. A crude speaker system slowly rose out of the central obelisk, Teletubbies style, and began to blast the opening of 'Final Countdown'. It was to the keening strains of Joey Tempest that the dark-skinned smuggler took his first shaky steps as a Prime.
He wasn't complaining. Not at all. He was just confused. Being chosen by Omni to be a Prime was a bit like winning the lottery on the first try, or your mom saying your shitty childhood paintings suck. It just...these things don't actually happen. Drake turned his hand over a few times, brushing sand off of his nylon jacket, as if double checking to be sure that he was actually a Prime, and not just dead and in the afterlife.
No, no it seemed as though he was definitely an immortal demigod now. He could feel the Omnilium skittering around, just at his fingertips and in his belly. If he focused on it too long, it began to give Drake the same sort of sensation he got when the hot girl in science class offered to give him a blowie to help her with the science lab. Not that he had taken the lying slut up on it, but...whatever, that allegory got a bit away from me. Anyway, it was an odd feeling. Good things weren't supposed to happen to him.
As Drake approached two of the other newly anointed Primes that were milling around the fountain, Drake suddenly remembered he had to do something important. The career criminal dialed up Madge on his UNI device and waited for her to pick up.
"Madge? Hi, yeah it's me. Yeah...listen...just..." Drake said, scrunching his face up as the hysterical woman made sure that the voice she was hearing was real. Drake rolled his eyes knowingly at the tall guy and skeleton thing. Women.
"MADGE. Madge. Your kombucha sucks. Don't let anyone else drink it. I have to go now; I'm out here in the Nexus with two other...charming, handsome gentlemen."
There was a pause.
"Okay, I'm out here with two other clueless dipshits. Fuck off." Drake said, snapping the stylish phone shut and tucking it back into his satchel. Taking a breath, Drake plucked a cigarette out of a pocket along with a crappy, pink Bic lighter. He puffed up the cig and noticed that the pale, scarecrow fucker had a fat stogie plugged between his lips. The smuggler blinked and held out his light, letting the towering man ignite the immense cubano.
"Wassup?" Drake murmured, tucking the lighter back into his chest pocket. Crocodile took a long pull on the cigar before responding in a haze of noxious and also his hand was a giant buttplug pirate hook combo what? Okay. Moving on.
"Seems like you know a bit about what's going on here." the pirate mobster rumbled. Drake nodded his head to the side.
"Sort of. Is it just you and fat Demi Lovato here?" the shorter human said, gesturing over at Ainz. The skeletal prime shifted slightly in his robes.
"We were just getting through introductions." Ainz said in his low, raspy voice. The smuggler nodded softly before exhaling his own cloud.
"Aight. I'm Drake Oneir. I uh...do lots of things. I guess you could say I'm a native?"
"Crocodile. Remember it." the tall guy grunted. Okay. That guy doesn't fuck around. Drake made a note to suck up to him later.
"Ainz Ooal Gown, the Elder Lich." said skelebro.
...what.
"What." Drake repeated. Before the undead wizard could repeat the name, Drake interrupted, as per usual.
"Are you a boy skeleton or a girl skeleton? I can't tell from your voice." Drake chirped. Ainz's jaw ground slightly.
"I am Lord of–"
"Lord. So. Boy? Are you sure? You're wearing a dress. C'mon then, hike up your skirt. Let's see your pelvis and I can tell. I passed science class with a final grade of blowjob-plus." Drake chortled. That joke had sounded much more creepy in hindsight, but when writing as Drake, it's important to just say whatever crude bullshit comes to mind. Omni made a mistake.
"I shall do no such thing." the lich huffed, glad that he was incapable of blushing. Drake was unphased.
"Sure, yeah that's cool. Why The Elder Lich though? I mean you could call yourself anything now that you're dead. Ainz the Tetris Wizard. Ainz the Milf Spelunker. Ainz the-"
"That will be QUITE enough." the robed skeleton snapped, a green aura flickering to life around his shoulders. Drake smiled. This skeleton was mad. Meanwhile, Crocodile had lost just a tad of his composure and was chuckling softly. That died out pretty quickly, however, and was followed by several minutes of standing around in awkward silence.
OMNI MADE A MISTAKE.
It was great because the last thing Drake knew, he had been falling out of a third-story window after sampling a treacherous swig of some stupid health drink. The one-armed bandit splashed down, face first into the Fountain of Infinity with all the divine grace of a clam-fritter into a deep fryer. Except no, it wasn't a splash, because some asshole had made the water sand. Regardless, Drake's own personal touch was added to this most august of Omniverse landmarks. A crude speaker system slowly rose out of the central obelisk, Teletubbies style, and began to blast the opening of 'Final Countdown'. It was to the keening strains of Joey Tempest that the dark-skinned smuggler took his first shaky steps as a Prime.
He wasn't complaining. Not at all. He was just confused. Being chosen by Omni to be a Prime was a bit like winning the lottery on the first try, or your mom saying your shitty childhood paintings suck. It just...these things don't actually happen. Drake turned his hand over a few times, brushing sand off of his nylon jacket, as if double checking to be sure that he was actually a Prime, and not just dead and in the afterlife.
No, no it seemed as though he was definitely an immortal demigod now. He could feel the Omnilium skittering around, just at his fingertips and in his belly. If he focused on it too long, it began to give Drake the same sort of sensation he got when the hot girl in science class offered to give him a blowie to help her with the science lab. Not that he had taken the lying slut up on it, but...whatever, that allegory got a bit away from me. Anyway, it was an odd feeling. Good things weren't supposed to happen to him.
As Drake approached two of the other newly anointed Primes that were milling around the fountain, Drake suddenly remembered he had to do something important. The career criminal dialed up Madge on his UNI device and waited for her to pick up.
"Madge? Hi, yeah it's me. Yeah...listen...just..." Drake said, scrunching his face up as the hysterical woman made sure that the voice she was hearing was real. Drake rolled his eyes knowingly at the tall guy and skeleton thing. Women.
"MADGE. Madge. Your kombucha sucks. Don't let anyone else drink it. I have to go now; I'm out here in the Nexus with two other...charming, handsome gentlemen."
There was a pause.
"Okay, I'm out here with two other clueless dipshits. Fuck off." Drake said, snapping the stylish phone shut and tucking it back into his satchel. Taking a breath, Drake plucked a cigarette out of a pocket along with a crappy, pink Bic lighter. He puffed up the cig and noticed that the pale, scarecrow fucker had a fat stogie plugged between his lips. The smuggler blinked and held out his light, letting the towering man ignite the immense cubano.
"Wassup?" Drake murmured, tucking the lighter back into his chest pocket. Crocodile took a long pull on the cigar before responding in a haze of noxious and also his hand was a giant buttplug pirate hook combo what? Okay. Moving on.
"Seems like you know a bit about what's going on here." the pirate mobster rumbled. Drake nodded his head to the side.
"Sort of. Is it just you and fat Demi Lovato here?" the shorter human said, gesturing over at Ainz. The skeletal prime shifted slightly in his robes.
"We were just getting through introductions." Ainz said in his low, raspy voice. The smuggler nodded softly before exhaling his own cloud.
"Aight. I'm Drake Oneir. I uh...do lots of things. I guess you could say I'm a native?"
"Crocodile. Remember it." the tall guy grunted. Okay. That guy doesn't fuck around. Drake made a note to suck up to him later.
"Ainz Ooal Gown, the Elder Lich." said skelebro.
...what.
"What." Drake repeated. Before the undead wizard could repeat the name, Drake interrupted, as per usual.
"Are you a boy skeleton or a girl skeleton? I can't tell from your voice." Drake chirped. Ainz's jaw ground slightly.
"I am Lord of–"
"Lord. So. Boy? Are you sure? You're wearing a dress. C'mon then, hike up your skirt. Let's see your pelvis and I can tell. I passed science class with a final grade of blowjob-plus." Drake chortled. That joke had sounded much more creepy in hindsight, but when writing as Drake, it's important to just say whatever crude bullshit comes to mind. Omni made a mistake.
"I shall do no such thing." the lich huffed, glad that he was incapable of blushing. Drake was unphased.
"Sure, yeah that's cool. Why The Elder Lich though? I mean you could call yourself anything now that you're dead. Ainz the Tetris Wizard. Ainz the Milf Spelunker. Ainz the-"
"That will be QUITE enough." the robed skeleton snapped, a green aura flickering to life around his shoulders. Drake smiled. This skeleton was mad. Meanwhile, Crocodile had lost just a tad of his composure and was chuckling softly. That died out pretty quickly, however, and was followed by several minutes of standing around in awkward silence.
OMNI MADE A MISTAKE.
![[Image: screen_shot_2018_02_16_at_4_33_57_pm_by_...c3dkog.png]](https://orig00.deviantart.net/883e/f/2018/047/1/d/screen_shot_2018_02_16_at_4_33_57_pm_by_tearen_and_zearen-dc3dkog.png)