02-10-2015, 04:40 PM
Book club número Ocho
It's Only a Bad Dream
Great job Sarah!
(If anyone looks for the thread, it's under last week's topic, <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028">viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028</a><!-- l -->)
Collateral Impact
I really like how you lead into it as you start off the the story and it lets the reader know 'just enough' so that they want to know more about the story and whether or not the experiment will be captured. Later- he appears- and in a very understandable state of confusion, what doesn't help is that the troopers want him out of the way for their mission! It fits right into the plot and suddenly some perspective is given on the mission.
Purely in the first post I like the logic in it, the times in the different verses can be different and obscure and I don't think I would put it past Coruscant to be able to calculate the precise time for an escapee's respawn. It wasn't exaggerated, it made sense which can certainly make a reader appreciate the current action at hand. Because it didn't feel forced, anticipation inevitable but not only that, everything to come after the first post is more credible, which makes any action or events more realistic and yet in another sense, the reader can build off of their own imagination with the situation's uprise.
I like the inkling of curiosity, 'what happened to his arm?' And I like that the questions for the reader don't stop there! The story is well-paced. And Ragna's importance seems to grow, which is quite nice as the limelight descends on him, possibly hinting at answers for the reader's curiosity.
The amount of action is really quite nice, and amusing for the reader. The progression leads into the story well and suddenly and climatically, his disapproving association with corrupt authority becomes a reason to battle against it! Not to mention the confiscating of his sword!
The fight scene was really intense, I like that it wasn't 'too gorey' though I'm not sure there's a scale, but I don't like to include too much, nor too little and I mainly found your descriptions to be precise and accurate, and you made it appear that Ragna has real skill as he took on a legion of Storm troopers! While the occasional vivid description wasn't dissuading, or at least I didn't find it that way, it offered a drastic change in the way the story panned out.
The ending was really fulfilling and lead on to the next verse, making the reader want to follow.
His purpose: he immediately assumes this as the reason he is sent there. It had a stunning effect on the plot and character correspondence and it could only go up from there. Also it was a nice conversion/motive to the action that was induced. Not sure how many storm troopers that were sautéed, I wasn't counting, I was just impressed with what he could do given the circumstances "just a man with his sword."
Ninja Chronicles
Well Kito asked me already to give him a full on review on this topic, but it hadn't yet reached the ending (though some sentences have been edited out for accuracy as implications in the story progressed). So I'll post it in parenthesis and then add more to the bottom.
(I like how the first post gives a little back round but doesn't overwhelm the reader, it implies he is familiar with the terrain, a bit of a foreshadow when he recognizes Tsunade later.
Later Kito recognizes distinctions that only a ninja would know- which establishes his seniority, and that ties in later as well, along with giving the reader an idea of what he might be capable of.
Next the immediacy of action! It was sudden but it gives the reader a chance to cheer kito on. As while Kito was tracking down the ninja, he was obviously on their territory and so his tracking becomes a short chase before amends are made but when the line is spoken "why are you attacking me?" And because it was so sudden, it showed kito the other side of his own kunai, and it showed that he has a particular moral code (perhaps more than his ninja code) about attacking people whom aren't his enemy- it offers character description within his action and dialogue.
Kito decides to show his fist of justice by giving them all he has. Later on, Kito's distinctive characteristics play in association to his personality- and he remains true to himself even in the moves you have given him. I don't want to say "classic" ninja, but I could definitely ascertain the origin of his character with the consistencies you gave him. Oh even with the color blue too, icy, cold, remorseful.
As the rival of the injured man- the Jounin, comes into play- I really like this part because the action is riveting. It could be cool to see that rogue character return- with an epic backstory and such. Emphasized considering Kito spared his life. And revenge for mocking (defeating) him in front of the dude Kito saved. It might even play out that just as the guy Kito saved came to warn Kito of the enemy- the unexpected happens.
I'll leave the above at that and continue to say that I did like the part, and it shows Kito's nobility and ninja roots.
Kito seems acutely separated from his emotions, so when it is pointed out of the differences and similarities, I feel as though it implies a slight homesickness, for the most of what he may not recognize or want to about his village, facts are colder and easier to accept than a personal emotion after all. So this depiction was executed well in the eyes of kito.
What I would like to see for the future: so far as i read I don't feel like it needs anything major, and enjoy the adventure even a few tweaks might even cause a decline in the unique stylistic approach. The spacing is one thing I will note, but I read it perfectly fine so I can't complain. For myself because I occasionally write in massive blocks, it is necessary because I don't have enough dialogue or action to counteract it. You have a good balance.
When given the information on Tsunade I can picture his reaction correlating to what he actually did. Rushed to her, as he recognizes the name. More to mention on Tsunade is that I expected him to ask more q's about the Omniverse, as I don't think he was briefed on other information and he will eventually need to find a source or perhaps a suggested partnership. That is not to say that I didn't enjoyed the encounter, as he did acknowledge facts about the place - the most important being the limitations on his powers and skills.
Later he shows a subtle distress of the ideas of parental figures, it didn't go unnoticed and was a nice subtlety. The addition of Mia was a good variable, and gave definition to static or constant layers of the story. Tsunade took control and briefed Kito of the situation which was a good advancement for the plot.
I like that he has a mission thrust upon him and the fast pace of the revolving motion of the story. And the personal touches with Mia is really well defined and helps to bring out some specific qualities in kito.
And suddenly Kito has a job, which fits his ninja purpose very quaintly. And his loyalty to Tsunade is respectable, as he offers his headband and the symbolic action of that was profound but toned down. It was still very good, but could have been played up more- yet somehow it fit with Kito's character that it was valiantly played down. 'Cause he's a cool guy, and his tone of a ninja- as his loyalty was always there, so it perhaps needn't be said of the providence of his action.
Continuing, as he and Mia meet, it is a very sweet meeting, but since the royal family isn't to know, might Kito be suspicious with the assassination attempt already imminent? (Mia's perception is essential here.) Still for the dialogue and growth added to the story- so the sacrifice pays off.
All in all, I really liked the meeting of Mia and Kito and have high expectations for their future interactions (-no pressure) but she is kind of the opposite of Kito in a "warm way" and softens his exterior in a light that is only for the better. I'm honestly excited to see where you take Kito's journey and the next phase of his mission.)
Alright! I left off after kito left Mia's room. The further advancement of the story contains excellent levels of action.
Kito's moves are really cool and have awesome names. Let's face it, "Guillotine drop" is a pretty cool one, especially electrified.
As kito spends time at the summit, finally he is faced with the three ninja and an epic showdown commences! But of course no ninja battle is fought without the shade of a cloud of smoke! I thought that was a nice touch because it separated the common folks and attendees from kito and his ninja pursuers.
And at the end of the day, Kito lives to fight for another day, as he saves the families and Mia even kicks butt too. For the future of the plot, I wouldn't hesitate to add a little more back round as the story progresses of the royalties. And maybe for mrs marshmallow too, example: the reason, it later comes out, she is rather snide because she lost a son in the line of duty--- though she is the wealthy class, so I'm not sure that would fit quite well. Don't be afraid to add more little details to the motive of some of the actions either, it might give an edge to the the unobtainable diplomacy that the nobles strive for. Or also add to the consequence that Kito delivers with ninja action and accomplishment later.
It's Only a Bad Dream
Great job Sarah!
(If anyone looks for the thread, it's under last week's topic, <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028">viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028</a><!-- l -->)
Collateral Impact
I really like how you lead into it as you start off the the story and it lets the reader know 'just enough' so that they want to know more about the story and whether or not the experiment will be captured. Later- he appears- and in a very understandable state of confusion, what doesn't help is that the troopers want him out of the way for their mission! It fits right into the plot and suddenly some perspective is given on the mission.
Purely in the first post I like the logic in it, the times in the different verses can be different and obscure and I don't think I would put it past Coruscant to be able to calculate the precise time for an escapee's respawn. It wasn't exaggerated, it made sense which can certainly make a reader appreciate the current action at hand. Because it didn't feel forced, anticipation inevitable but not only that, everything to come after the first post is more credible, which makes any action or events more realistic and yet in another sense, the reader can build off of their own imagination with the situation's uprise.
I like the inkling of curiosity, 'what happened to his arm?' And I like that the questions for the reader don't stop there! The story is well-paced. And Ragna's importance seems to grow, which is quite nice as the limelight descends on him, possibly hinting at answers for the reader's curiosity.
The amount of action is really quite nice, and amusing for the reader. The progression leads into the story well and suddenly and climatically, his disapproving association with corrupt authority becomes a reason to battle against it! Not to mention the confiscating of his sword!
The fight scene was really intense, I like that it wasn't 'too gorey' though I'm not sure there's a scale, but I don't like to include too much, nor too little and I mainly found your descriptions to be precise and accurate, and you made it appear that Ragna has real skill as he took on a legion of Storm troopers! While the occasional vivid description wasn't dissuading, or at least I didn't find it that way, it offered a drastic change in the way the story panned out.
The ending was really fulfilling and lead on to the next verse, making the reader want to follow.
His purpose: he immediately assumes this as the reason he is sent there. It had a stunning effect on the plot and character correspondence and it could only go up from there. Also it was a nice conversion/motive to the action that was induced. Not sure how many storm troopers that were sautéed, I wasn't counting, I was just impressed with what he could do given the circumstances "just a man with his sword."
Ninja Chronicles
Well Kito asked me already to give him a full on review on this topic, but it hadn't yet reached the ending (though some sentences have been edited out for accuracy as implications in the story progressed). So I'll post it in parenthesis and then add more to the bottom.
(I like how the first post gives a little back round but doesn't overwhelm the reader, it implies he is familiar with the terrain, a bit of a foreshadow when he recognizes Tsunade later.
Later Kito recognizes distinctions that only a ninja would know- which establishes his seniority, and that ties in later as well, along with giving the reader an idea of what he might be capable of.
Next the immediacy of action! It was sudden but it gives the reader a chance to cheer kito on. As while Kito was tracking down the ninja, he was obviously on their territory and so his tracking becomes a short chase before amends are made but when the line is spoken "why are you attacking me?" And because it was so sudden, it showed kito the other side of his own kunai, and it showed that he has a particular moral code (perhaps more than his ninja code) about attacking people whom aren't his enemy- it offers character description within his action and dialogue.
Kito decides to show his fist of justice by giving them all he has. Later on, Kito's distinctive characteristics play in association to his personality- and he remains true to himself even in the moves you have given him. I don't want to say "classic" ninja, but I could definitely ascertain the origin of his character with the consistencies you gave him. Oh even with the color blue too, icy, cold, remorseful.
As the rival of the injured man- the Jounin, comes into play- I really like this part because the action is riveting. It could be cool to see that rogue character return- with an epic backstory and such. Emphasized considering Kito spared his life. And revenge for mocking (defeating) him in front of the dude Kito saved. It might even play out that just as the guy Kito saved came to warn Kito of the enemy- the unexpected happens.
I'll leave the above at that and continue to say that I did like the part, and it shows Kito's nobility and ninja roots.
Kito seems acutely separated from his emotions, so when it is pointed out of the differences and similarities, I feel as though it implies a slight homesickness, for the most of what he may not recognize or want to about his village, facts are colder and easier to accept than a personal emotion after all. So this depiction was executed well in the eyes of kito.
What I would like to see for the future: so far as i read I don't feel like it needs anything major, and enjoy the adventure even a few tweaks might even cause a decline in the unique stylistic approach. The spacing is one thing I will note, but I read it perfectly fine so I can't complain. For myself because I occasionally write in massive blocks, it is necessary because I don't have enough dialogue or action to counteract it. You have a good balance.
When given the information on Tsunade I can picture his reaction correlating to what he actually did. Rushed to her, as he recognizes the name. More to mention on Tsunade is that I expected him to ask more q's about the Omniverse, as I don't think he was briefed on other information and he will eventually need to find a source or perhaps a suggested partnership. That is not to say that I didn't enjoyed the encounter, as he did acknowledge facts about the place - the most important being the limitations on his powers and skills.
Later he shows a subtle distress of the ideas of parental figures, it didn't go unnoticed and was a nice subtlety. The addition of Mia was a good variable, and gave definition to static or constant layers of the story. Tsunade took control and briefed Kito of the situation which was a good advancement for the plot.
I like that he has a mission thrust upon him and the fast pace of the revolving motion of the story. And the personal touches with Mia is really well defined and helps to bring out some specific qualities in kito.
And suddenly Kito has a job, which fits his ninja purpose very quaintly. And his loyalty to Tsunade is respectable, as he offers his headband and the symbolic action of that was profound but toned down. It was still very good, but could have been played up more- yet somehow it fit with Kito's character that it was valiantly played down. 'Cause he's a cool guy, and his tone of a ninja- as his loyalty was always there, so it perhaps needn't be said of the providence of his action.
Continuing, as he and Mia meet, it is a very sweet meeting, but since the royal family isn't to know, might Kito be suspicious with the assassination attempt already imminent? (Mia's perception is essential here.) Still for the dialogue and growth added to the story- so the sacrifice pays off.
All in all, I really liked the meeting of Mia and Kito and have high expectations for their future interactions (-no pressure) but she is kind of the opposite of Kito in a "warm way" and softens his exterior in a light that is only for the better. I'm honestly excited to see where you take Kito's journey and the next phase of his mission.)
Alright! I left off after kito left Mia's room. The further advancement of the story contains excellent levels of action.
Kito's moves are really cool and have awesome names. Let's face it, "Guillotine drop" is a pretty cool one, especially electrified.
As kito spends time at the summit, finally he is faced with the three ninja and an epic showdown commences! But of course no ninja battle is fought without the shade of a cloud of smoke! I thought that was a nice touch because it separated the common folks and attendees from kito and his ninja pursuers.
And at the end of the day, Kito lives to fight for another day, as he saves the families and Mia even kicks butt too. For the future of the plot, I wouldn't hesitate to add a little more back round as the story progresses of the royalties. And maybe for mrs marshmallow too, example: the reason, it later comes out, she is rather snide because she lost a son in the line of duty--- though she is the wealthy class, so I'm not sure that would fit quite well. Don't be afraid to add more little details to the motive of some of the actions either, it might give an edge to the the unobtainable diplomacy that the nobles strive for. Or also add to the consequence that Kito delivers with ninja action and accomplishment later.
![[Image: mqdefault.jpg]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yEac52Ck_1A/mqdefault.jpg)