11-27-2017, 10:03 AM
@Veritas:
Alright, I get it. You're making holograms, and they phase through walls and stuff (maybe?), but the telepathy actually makes people take damage from them. It might seem annoying, but I think you should try and rewrite your move to make that clearer. At the moment it's a bit long-winded and the actual information a reader needs is awkward to find. For example, when you say "this requires his full concentration", it's unclear whether you're talking about finding the link, or using the move, or both. Take a step back, and try and polish it off. Just rewrite from scratch if you have to. Or rewrite and reorder some sections.
Also, you removed how many narwhals there are from the move description. And since the debuff always hits (homing), and the move appears to be strong, you're going to need some more drawbacks. It's too strong.
Lastly, since all the narwhals come from his phone (as in, within 12ft of Dupe), you don't need Ranged Materialize. I also can't see why you need physical strength, since this move is ranged.
Alright, I get it. You're making holograms, and they phase through walls and stuff (maybe?), but the telepathy actually makes people take damage from them. It might seem annoying, but I think you should try and rewrite your move to make that clearer. At the moment it's a bit long-winded and the actual information a reader needs is awkward to find. For example, when you say "this requires his full concentration", it's unclear whether you're talking about finding the link, or using the move, or both. Take a step back, and try and polish it off. Just rewrite from scratch if you have to. Or rewrite and reorder some sections.
Also, you removed how many narwhals there are from the move description. And since the debuff always hits (homing), and the move appears to be strong, you're going to need some more drawbacks. It's too strong.
Lastly, since all the narwhals come from his phone (as in, within 12ft of Dupe), you don't need Ranged Materialize. I also can't see why you need physical strength, since this move is ranged.