01-29-2015, 01:12 PM
Heart of Darkness
With this title, admittedly I Immediately thought of the book. But this intrigued me- needless to say with a such reference others too may be inclined to read it. Because it's a powerful one.
I would like to say I really like your writing style, it shows a contemplative insight and gives the reader a feeling that you thought out actions and words alike. Particularly when you described keyblades as scarce with the phrase "few and far between." Also your level of description really appeals to me, it isn't just action it's thought along with it.
I also appreciate that you captured the style of Mickey's voice, it shows a deeper understanding with the character. And I like that you actually attempted to get home! If not the Nexus- arrival- then where else? Not to mention that his effort was well illustrated along with the warranted fatigue (this made the effort feel as though it were tangible).
The action that follows is well thought out, and the sequence it is executed leaves perfect room for the readers imagination to recreate the scene at hand.
Lastly, I liked how you gave the scene perspective- as Mickey learned more about his current situation, he learned more about Conan and particularly Craig's situation and opinion. I really liked that part because of Mickey's past, and the contradiction brought out the differences of the Omniverse and his home.
Overall I really liked the story and I definitely look forward to reading more of Mickey's adventures in Camelot!
Planet Omniverse
I like this title because it's really astral and pertains to Toybox Girl's past, and technological relation to the worlds as she is a robot in origin. And then when the first paragraph alludes to her creation, it syncs together really well.
I take an analytical perspective because I read this post for fun prior to, and it is a lively and exciting post.
From TBG recounting her previous life, I felt a deep sense of self, the wandering in the simulation room, her past creator, I felt as though she is loyal to her past and it gave a strong impression on me of the technology she originated from. Also that she was having technical problems reassured that she wasn't under a simulation itself. And later the basis of information was covered which I find to be essential, as technologies usually apply the information and convert it into use.
The reality turned into logic and was finely tuned with her current situation, accessing information and using it to your advantage. I also can appreciate that every sentence of your post flowed- clear, pristine and correct and asserted itself specifically so the reader could know of exactly what was meant by each word, and sometimes things like clarity are taken for granted.
Prinnies added appeal- but emphasized TBG's cuteness. TBG having to inquire with dialogue as to what the gate was showed that not every bit of information she had access to was sound. And later the Prinny highlighting the points of discrimination- and TBG's lack of it, was valid as, in a sense, offering perspective on future courses of action. And in this sense was a bit of a subtle allusion as to what might come- as TBG interacts with different races, and enemies alike.
Adrift
Ah! I was rather excited to see my own work on the list so quickly!
The Exemplar
Wow! I really enjoy the way the two characters flow off of eachother, the beginning- during the meeting, there was both distinction and the characters seem to get along well in each others presence.
It's a very fulfilling read, and I say this because you entertained me, with detail, action, balance and progress. Not to mention the two masculine badass characters that skillfully play off of eachother action wise, story wise and with unruly banter.
You had said in chat that it wasn't extremely actiony; well comparatively perhaps not to the heroic defeat of a dragon (well done I might say) and in this one, there was some excellent slaying of necromancers. But not all action can be classified by, shall we say, conflict. The action displayed here (in the underlying tones of the roleplay) if I had to put a few words to it, is that of a climatic progressive motion. "The flow" can be a hard thing to achieve, and when successful, it sweeps the reader into the roleplay with an unaided mysticism, of contrast, dynamic and overall sense of plot or intrigue. Together I would say that you have done an excellent job on this point in particular. -The flow is important because that's what keeps the reader reading!-
As I continue reading I notice you both growing with every post, and a MvW sort of dynamic becoming evident. I rather enjoy it because I don't think many stories are inclusive of that aspect- despite how it might prove to be the most definitive to characterizing a person.
Another small point that I may add, is that I liked that you didn't put so much emphasis on the meeting, it just seemed to fall into place. Each unique character added their own style, but the way it was placed together didn't feel forced, just another part of the flow~
Quoting Shang here during the duel "When they came together, Shang swung with his sword..." As Shang intercepted the blows, this was well demonstrated, as balance in battle is key- and Shang illustrated the battle in a comprehensible and exciting way while keeping in mind Atelos as well. This maintained a characteristic dynamism of growth while executing equivalent methods of skillful and a well delineated picture of the motions of battle.
There were moments I thought were realistic and later heart touching. Shang deliberating the death of Atelos, as a relevant experiment, and later the conclusion he came to. After, Atelos being grateful was something of an allusion perhaps of the igniting bond between the two. I thought that it was realistic and believable.
During the "invasion of undead' Atelos charges for the necromancer. It's a thrilling battle! I enjoyed the "final boss" that was a beastly creature, and I like that the theme follows through with his character, there's always a tangible foe to vanquish, and though it isn't always straightforward, it's something that matches the "head on" trait that is quite admirable about Atelos.
Later his flashback was well planned and not only did it offer insight but it gave depth to the character, the story, and some back round to Atelos, his past experiences and future resolve. Aside from that, you used good imagery and description in the flashback and it was really cool!
Overall I really enjoyed the expedition, and found it had layers of meaningful detail. Both of you did an excellent job, and should be very proud.
Extra credit:
It's Just a Bad Dream
I appreciate the notion that this be added to the list and I think it's a good idea.
In the beginning, the story tied in well with the audience, you gave a good feel of where Sarah was, and then you offered subtle clues as to what was wrong- or perhaps rather, how it was wrong. The incorporation of senses helped the reader feel as though they understood and offered a reason to reinforce the tense emotion of the abnormality that was described: something's wrong. What further intrigued me was how she noticed, the temperature! Something someone may not notice abruptly but as she got more comfortable it became more apparent.
Knowing that she is telepathic and telekinetic, I felt as though Sarah was well aware of the power she wields- but as it became more thrilling it was almost as though she were being hunted for those same skills. There was an excellent sense of sensory made in dream, and I felt as though it was pronounced with excellent depth because of the emotions to be experienced with the transitional aspects (taken into account) within a dream ..or a nightmare!
The monster that was battled was quite horrific, and later a chase! It really sounded like the ultimate enemy when the 'fabrics of reality' were threatened! The rapid pace that the dream offered, was a nice 'following through on delivery' sort of point for me. It's one thing to say you are in the dream- but it is truly another to feel it and set the stage comprehensively for an audience.
Later I found that her coping mechanism was one that was understandable and a fear of the unknown is something to cause anyone a slight sense of perturbation because it's hard to classify whether or not the self is at stake. And the fact that the Swarm is haunting her dreams makes it feel as though her worst nightmare might come to life!
With this title, admittedly I Immediately thought of the book. But this intrigued me- needless to say with a such reference others too may be inclined to read it. Because it's a powerful one.
I would like to say I really like your writing style, it shows a contemplative insight and gives the reader a feeling that you thought out actions and words alike. Particularly when you described keyblades as scarce with the phrase "few and far between." Also your level of description really appeals to me, it isn't just action it's thought along with it.
I also appreciate that you captured the style of Mickey's voice, it shows a deeper understanding with the character. And I like that you actually attempted to get home! If not the Nexus- arrival- then where else? Not to mention that his effort was well illustrated along with the warranted fatigue (this made the effort feel as though it were tangible).
The action that follows is well thought out, and the sequence it is executed leaves perfect room for the readers imagination to recreate the scene at hand.
Lastly, I liked how you gave the scene perspective- as Mickey learned more about his current situation, he learned more about Conan and particularly Craig's situation and opinion. I really liked that part because of Mickey's past, and the contradiction brought out the differences of the Omniverse and his home.
Overall I really liked the story and I definitely look forward to reading more of Mickey's adventures in Camelot!
Planet Omniverse
I like this title because it's really astral and pertains to Toybox Girl's past, and technological relation to the worlds as she is a robot in origin. And then when the first paragraph alludes to her creation, it syncs together really well.
I take an analytical perspective because I read this post for fun prior to, and it is a lively and exciting post.
From TBG recounting her previous life, I felt a deep sense of self, the wandering in the simulation room, her past creator, I felt as though she is loyal to her past and it gave a strong impression on me of the technology she originated from. Also that she was having technical problems reassured that she wasn't under a simulation itself. And later the basis of information was covered which I find to be essential, as technologies usually apply the information and convert it into use.
The reality turned into logic and was finely tuned with her current situation, accessing information and using it to your advantage. I also can appreciate that every sentence of your post flowed- clear, pristine and correct and asserted itself specifically so the reader could know of exactly what was meant by each word, and sometimes things like clarity are taken for granted.
Prinnies added appeal- but emphasized TBG's cuteness. TBG having to inquire with dialogue as to what the gate was showed that not every bit of information she had access to was sound. And later the Prinny highlighting the points of discrimination- and TBG's lack of it, was valid as, in a sense, offering perspective on future courses of action. And in this sense was a bit of a subtle allusion as to what might come- as TBG interacts with different races, and enemies alike.
Adrift
Ah! I was rather excited to see my own work on the list so quickly!
The Exemplar
Wow! I really enjoy the way the two characters flow off of eachother, the beginning- during the meeting, there was both distinction and the characters seem to get along well in each others presence.
It's a very fulfilling read, and I say this because you entertained me, with detail, action, balance and progress. Not to mention the two masculine badass characters that skillfully play off of eachother action wise, story wise and with unruly banter.
You had said in chat that it wasn't extremely actiony; well comparatively perhaps not to the heroic defeat of a dragon (well done I might say) and in this one, there was some excellent slaying of necromancers. But not all action can be classified by, shall we say, conflict. The action displayed here (in the underlying tones of the roleplay) if I had to put a few words to it, is that of a climatic progressive motion. "The flow" can be a hard thing to achieve, and when successful, it sweeps the reader into the roleplay with an unaided mysticism, of contrast, dynamic and overall sense of plot or intrigue. Together I would say that you have done an excellent job on this point in particular. -The flow is important because that's what keeps the reader reading!-
As I continue reading I notice you both growing with every post, and a MvW sort of dynamic becoming evident. I rather enjoy it because I don't think many stories are inclusive of that aspect- despite how it might prove to be the most definitive to characterizing a person.
Another small point that I may add, is that I liked that you didn't put so much emphasis on the meeting, it just seemed to fall into place. Each unique character added their own style, but the way it was placed together didn't feel forced, just another part of the flow~
Quoting Shang here during the duel "When they came together, Shang swung with his sword..." As Shang intercepted the blows, this was well demonstrated, as balance in battle is key- and Shang illustrated the battle in a comprehensible and exciting way while keeping in mind Atelos as well. This maintained a characteristic dynamism of growth while executing equivalent methods of skillful and a well delineated picture of the motions of battle.
There were moments I thought were realistic and later heart touching. Shang deliberating the death of Atelos, as a relevant experiment, and later the conclusion he came to. After, Atelos being grateful was something of an allusion perhaps of the igniting bond between the two. I thought that it was realistic and believable.
During the "invasion of undead' Atelos charges for the necromancer. It's a thrilling battle! I enjoyed the "final boss" that was a beastly creature, and I like that the theme follows through with his character, there's always a tangible foe to vanquish, and though it isn't always straightforward, it's something that matches the "head on" trait that is quite admirable about Atelos.
Later his flashback was well planned and not only did it offer insight but it gave depth to the character, the story, and some back round to Atelos, his past experiences and future resolve. Aside from that, you used good imagery and description in the flashback and it was really cool!
Overall I really enjoyed the expedition, and found it had layers of meaningful detail. Both of you did an excellent job, and should be very proud.
Extra credit:
It's Just a Bad Dream
I appreciate the notion that this be added to the list and I think it's a good idea.
In the beginning, the story tied in well with the audience, you gave a good feel of where Sarah was, and then you offered subtle clues as to what was wrong- or perhaps rather, how it was wrong. The incorporation of senses helped the reader feel as though they understood and offered a reason to reinforce the tense emotion of the abnormality that was described: something's wrong. What further intrigued me was how she noticed, the temperature! Something someone may not notice abruptly but as she got more comfortable it became more apparent.
Knowing that she is telepathic and telekinetic, I felt as though Sarah was well aware of the power she wields- but as it became more thrilling it was almost as though she were being hunted for those same skills. There was an excellent sense of sensory made in dream, and I felt as though it was pronounced with excellent depth because of the emotions to be experienced with the transitional aspects (taken into account) within a dream ..or a nightmare!
The monster that was battled was quite horrific, and later a chase! It really sounded like the ultimate enemy when the 'fabrics of reality' were threatened! The rapid pace that the dream offered, was a nice 'following through on delivery' sort of point for me. It's one thing to say you are in the dream- but it is truly another to feel it and set the stage comprehensively for an audience.
Later I found that her coping mechanism was one that was understandable and a fear of the unknown is something to cause anyone a slight sense of perturbation because it's hard to classify whether or not the self is at stake. And the fact that the Swarm is haunting her dreams makes it feel as though her worst nightmare might come to life!
![[Image: mqdefault.jpg]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yEac52Ck_1A/mqdefault.jpg)