Imperfect Party Plans

[Sterling Archer]

“So...we’re just not going to talk about the horrifying insect man you’ve been palling around with?”

“Nope,” I replied, following in the comptroller’s wake. “We’re going to not talk at all until we get to alcohol. Then you can talk all you want. No guarantee that I’ll listen, though.”

“What about the death tournament that you scampered off to on a whim?” Cyril fired back, clearly emboldened by the lack of towering bioandroid.

“That would count as talking,” I monotoned, my pace quickening as I caught sight of a gateway in the distance. “Until such point as I am killing both my liver and my brain, shut up.”

“You’re just okay with ditching me in a random medieval ghetto while you seemingly try to get yourself killed?” In his anger his eyes had narrowed to the point where he could very well have been walking around with his eyes closed. So dramatic.

“I’m kinda over it,” I said, sighing. He was clearly not going to drop it long enough for me to drown him out. “You’re a big boy and I’d think in a town full of smelly peasants you can probably find your way around.”

“Yeah right,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “You never even gave it a thought. You just wanted to run headlong into a Battle Royale and quote action movies.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” I chuckled, slipping my hands into my trouser pockets. “And technically this year’s was more of an item hunt than a death game. Though there was a lot of murder…”

“Well I hope you’re happy,” Cyril spat, his chubby face crumpling into a scowl. “Because of you, Emily and I were nearly killed.”

“Who?”

Cyril took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes, exhaling for longer than I thought was possible. “Emily Kaldwin. The woman we met up with when you brought me here. You tried to grope her and she pulled a gun on you.”

“Oh,” I returned, smirking. “Yeah, her. I remember. Sorry, if I kept track of every woman I groped I wouldn’t have room for anything else.”

“Whatever,” Figgis resigned. “The portal’s up here. I’m not sure where ‘The Unknown City’--or whatever you called it--is, but I can get us to Carrefore.”

“It’s ‘The Town with No Name’,” I corrected, before stopping myself. “...I think. To be honest I don’t know the guy we’re meeting well enough to know if he’s kidding.”

“There’s probably a map or something in Carrefore,” Cyril replied as we reached the gate. “Your bug friend is just going to find us later or something?”

“I’ll shoot him a text.” It occurred to me as I finished my sentence that I hadn’t bothered to ask him for his number before the ran off with his fruity fanny pack. Maybe I could like...will it into existence. Somehow.

“Where’s Batman?” my bespectacled companion said suddenly, looking around behind us.

“Who?”

“Oh now you’re doing it on purpose,” Cyril said, rolling his eyes. “The bat-themed superhero who pulled me from the remains of your car?”

I winced at his question, remembering Genie’s smoldering corpse back at the fountain. I pushed the thought from my mind as I glanced behind me to look for the leather-clad angstlord. “Maybe he went off with Cell? I only barely met him back on the island before we all wound up back here, so I don’t have any idea where he could have gone. Maybe he’s looking for a woman’s hair to get caught in.”

“Whatever,” Cyril said, sighing in resignation. “It’s through here.”

With thoughts of bottomless brown bottles dancing in my head, I followed the accountant though the rift.