NEO HYPER BOOK CLUB #4 (9TH July - 30TH JULY)

[PepsiYuuka]

I’m gonna point things out as I come to them reading from start to finish, then do a small meta-analysis at the end. So don’t get discouraged if I bring up the flaws first- they’re just easier to spot. Hopefully none of these are repeats of things in other responses.

When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.

First impressions- the grammar on this is… strange. It’s a run on, and should likely be broken into two sentences after “street.” You could also nix the last comma, but it’s also fine to keep it. That’s totally optional!

the painful memories started to flood in like a wall bursting at the Hoover.

It took me a while to understand this metaphor being about the Hoover Dam and not the type of vacuum cleaner, but I’m not sure if that’s just me? Maybe it is. I just haven’t heard it before.

There are a couple random commas that don’t need to be there- but they’re not too distracting.

on the wall straight across was a painting of a boy and dog playing in a field.

Man, that must be weird for someone that lives in a world where animals are anthropomorphic and normal citizens, huh?

Your paragraphs are a bit short- that’s a stylistic thing, and I can appreciate it! However, I will say you don’t absolutely have to break them up so much.

I like the idea of secondaries looking out for each other- that’s actually pretty clever.

Aw, I love her interactions with the mayor… You really do write the two of them like they’d be cute together. It makes me look forward to the potential of them ending up finding each other, or what have you! However, I will say that this post feels a little out of place thus far, which is fair. I would have liked more explanation of how she calmed down.

“Well, I have gone like 100 mph on my scooter in a race before. And I’m guessing the tracks in F Zero actually elevated to the turns while ours rarely ever did so maybe it’s just easier.”

“Wait, you went 100 mph on a scooter?”

“Then again not sure what kind of weapons F Zero races have. Might be hard to dodge fire on a normal track.”

“You were racing 100 mph on a scooter while weapons were being fired at you?!? Did you at least wear a helmet?”

“What? That would have messed up my hair something fierce!”

God, I love the concept of Isabelle going 100 miles an hour on a scooter without a helmet. She’s hardcore. And I love the dialogue here! It really builds character.

It was difficult to tell from him sitting, but he must of have been 8’0” at least!

While I’m not going to comment on every little unimportant grammar slip, since this is a very easy one to make, I’ll mention it in passing. It’s properly “must have been,” though in colloquial speech its usually slurred as “musta,” so it’s a very common mistake.

she felt like an insect in a world of boots.

I love this metaphor, though!

Gonna agree with: Furry strip club... I see... (It's not bad, it's totally believable, just... I see.)

The dialogue at the end of the post about her joining the race could probably do better with some clarification. I’m not sure at all who’s speaking at any given point, and I'm really not totally sure what the relation between these two characters is. Probably doesn’t help that I’m wholly unfamiliar with F-Zero, but…

Isabelle sure is something, isn’t she? Wanting to fix that car herself. I have to give her something for her optimism, though!

Weird place to leave those twitter logs. I would have left them after you actually mentioned the twitter war. It’s a cool idea, though.

Nineteen degrees…

I feel as though it may have been more fun if the race were a bit more tense. She is a prime, though, so I can understand why she’d have a fairly easy time winning against secondaries.

Speaking on a meta level here. I feel like we should have gotten to know Heart Candy a little better before you had Isabelle give her the first place. Like, she seems nice enough, and we had the one post dedicated to her, but we never really got to see the little details of their friendship developing that would warrant Isabelle to give her a win.

Gonna go ditto on not understanding why she was kicked out of F-Zero? Unless it’s because she intentionally lost? I think it needs to be a bit more clear, because from what I can tell, she did very well, and should have been encouraged due to her good play. Or if it was because of her plan? How would they learn about that in the middle of the race, but not beforehand?

“What you did, was disgusting.” He said sternly. “What you did is why I hate primes. Us secondaries can’t come back, you can’t gamble our lives over a stupid game like that.”

I don’t really understand how Rovin learned of the plan here? Was it ever revealed that Isabelle was behind inciting the flame wars? Or- actually, what is this about? Also, a bit hypocritical when it was stated earlier the secondaries involved are doing this for fun as well… Unless that was a lie? And why wouldn’t he bring this up earlier if it’s how he feels about the racing?

I also know we were supposed to hate Mr. Steady, but… I’m not sure what she did wrong here? Actually I’m not even sure what he wanted to happen in the first place. Shouldn’t he be wanting her winnings, or something? Did he just want her to die? Is he mad at her for ceding first place- if he is, why did he give her a junk car? I can tell he was TRYING to fix the race gambling-wise, but I’m just not sure how. I’m just really confused, to be honest.

Overall, it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Lots of ups and downs! I love your sense of humor in the sections that are meant to be a bit funny, too. I really do hope Isabelle succeeds in her journey. There’s still a ways for you to go in the grammar section, and I can see where some extra detail would have really helped it. That's not to say it's bad, though- I really did have fun reading it.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t nominate it for any awards, but it’s definitely a great part of something bigger in Isabelle’s story!