NEO HYPER BOOK CLUB #4 (9TH July - 30TH JULY)

[Freeza]

BOOK CLUB

FEATURING THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER PUP!
^_^

To start off! I can tell your passion and inspiration for writing as isabelle is still as high as it was when we talked about her before you switched. I think you made the right choice and isabelle seems SUPER fun to write as. Also the cuteness factor, but we won't even delve into that.

As for writing wise I like the enthusiasm, and how actiony it immediately gets. You don't hesitate to leap into the story.

The door swung open before she could even rap on the door after scaling the steps.

This sentence seemed a little repetitive to me but only since door was in there twice! Instead of door you could say something about the hinges or just go with the curt, concise "it" for the second use of the word. It's a matter of phrasing and preference so I don't mean to sound nit picky <3

Lol scooby sketch. That reference was perfect cause izzy is a pup herself!

He shoves the cookie into his mouth and takes a big fearless bite out of it. Proves that the cookies were okay at least, not that she could eat chocolate anyways.

I like the extra affirmation of the little fact that since she's a pup she can't have chocolate. Just makes the "world" you write more immersive for me.

“I have to admit, you impress me.” He began with a smile. “When you took off before I finished, and when I realized where you were headed, I almost had given up hope. Imagine my surprised when you not only survived the steppes, but also popped up in Coruscant. I really had to rush over here. Luckily you weren’t far from one of our locations.”

You've always had a good talent for dialogue and how it can paint a tone and picture AND character. This one little excerpt really transformed the limits of the story for me.

“You never checked the pond for fish I’m guessing.” He said jovially, almost like he was bragging. Issy simply tilted her head in confusion.

This part as well. Subtle but helps the reader imagine the character.

Off topic: The thread of poisoned tea reminded me of DBS and stuff >.<

As soon as it flipped to 6:00 her face lit up. She pulled off the receiver from the intercom device and, with a smile pulling across her face, spoke with confidence.

Like I said it's the little things that make a big difference in stories and descriptions. I already feel like I have a good idea of who izzy is and how her outlook is on the world.

THE MAYOR ?! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.... plot hype.

I love how positive Isabelle is and feel like I can relate on some personal level to her.

OMG Isabelle's freak out with the mayor! It amused me... and I also related again *shy face*

With a new vigor, she turned to her work, now glowing with a new inspiration. She was going to finish the paperwork for that new coffee house in record time so she can for once have the afternoon off. It was no time for dreaming, the golden beauty that is reality was just one mountain of paperwork ahead of her.

I cannot get over how cute isabelle is.

I liked how you explained Isabelle's goal it was both subtle and made sense in the weave of the story.

"What? That would have messed up my hair something fierce!”

Excellent comedic element.

"So let me get this straight,” he began, he lurched forward to inspect her closer, “you’re risking your life entirely so a guy will notice you?”

TOO REAL. So far this story has been exceptionally entertaining and I also feel like such a girl when reading it which is good for an outlet of expression.

“I only seen the champs get famous around here, and no way a rookie like her is going to take the gold. Even with a full deck of cards, she’d have better luck at getting famous by shaking her naked ass on the dataverse, and the sooner she realizes that’s where the real money is it, the better.”

My inner under*dog* is rallying.

This is the town all poets go bankrupt.”

REALLY like this line. It reminds me of something I can't quite bring to mind.

I love how isabelle doesn't take the lazy way out and works on the car. It is a quirk that lets her true personality shine through!

BREAKFAST OF SUSHI!?!?!!!!??!!?!??!?!!!!!!

Epiphany= isabelle and I are sisters irl (I am kidding but I love isabelle so far, she's wonderful)

Race time ! I like how you cut to the chase and didn't prolong the race ! I also like that you narrated the other drivers as such unique "forms" gelatinous cube specifically, it keeps things interesting! And kind of does a shout out to animorphs and such.

As for the race I would like to suggest that you add more fighty action with the dodging of moves or a little more narration on maneuvering, I enjoyed the race and I felt like you didn't drag it out at all...... (drag as in drag race... I'll show myself out lol.)

Overall I like how isabelle is still noble though she is dedicated to her cause too. The added element of secondaries vs. Primes was another extra detail that helped weave the story back to the OV's prejudices.

If they knew she was a prime were they trying to kill her to teach her a lesson?

The animal abuse was a little unsettling at the end and a very sad note to end on. But I liked how your hopeful ooc narration brought back the idea to the reader that it wasn't the end.

Great bone-us.

:hee: