07-15-2017, 05:10 AM
Straight into it.
The Good: you have a great understanding of Izzy as a character. You know what she thinks and you know how to direct her, and that shows in your writing. I can easily see how and what she's thinking and feeling with no ambiguity. I also love that Izzy is a very different style of character than I am a) used to reading and b) used to writing, as most of the Omniverse is about power fantasy, but she is not. As you said yourself,
I really like that, it's a different take and a lot more interesting. It definitely snagged me.
You also had a clear picture of what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go. The idea of the Wayward Foundation is really cool too and I am interested to see how the rest of its story pans out.
Also this:
That gave me a laugh, having played Animal Crossing. That was a nice reference to those of us who've actually done that!
I also think you nailed this part. I like how we see how Izzy realises how silly her idea sounds, but she sticks with the truth and doesn't buckle under judgement. That is really good characterisation:
The Constructive Criticism: so you have those points up top working for you, but there is a bit you can improve on.
Probably the thing that took me out of it the most was your almost stream-of-consciousness writing. You seem really keen to move on quickly with the story, while focusing on parts that could do with if not less attention, then at least shared with other parts of the story. We spend a lot of time in Izzy's head, but her actions and the actions of those around her don't get much time at all. They're mentioned, but not really expanded on or explained in adequate detail, and it makes me wonder what the rush is. The writing would be much more beguiling if these were expanded. For instance, there was quite a build-up to the race, but it was over rather quickly. There were also a few loose ends left untied (which may be done later) but that helped the feeling of it being rushed.
There's also a few parts of the story where I scratched my head wondering what happened. The crash was very convenient, and explained rather than detailed (the whole 'show don't tell' trope of advice) what happened. There was barely any conflict in the race; the times where there was an issue, she breezed through it rather easily, or at least that's how it felt.
I also didn't understand this bit at all:
... what? Why can't she compete again? She didn't cause the crash, did she? Even if she did, isn't that half of why F-Zero races are so popular? And why does Izzy agree with him?
You should also try proofreading your work. There are numerous places where either the grammar is wrong (missing/incorrect punctuation), the tense changes suddenly (below you've gone from past tense to present tense and back to past tense in three sentences):
and sometimes sentences or thoughts are just cut off, like you were distracted while you were writing:
Most of those issues would be apparent and easily fixed if you ran your eyes over before posting, so I doubt you would have much trouble fixing it up. You just need to take it a bit slower.
I don't nominate this thread for a bonus.
The Good: you have a great understanding of Izzy as a character. You know what she thinks and you know how to direct her, and that shows in your writing. I can easily see how and what she's thinking and feeling with no ambiguity. I also love that Izzy is a very different style of character than I am a) used to reading and b) used to writing, as most of the Omniverse is about power fantasy, but she is not. As you said yourself,
Quote:However, she couldn’t help be nervous about the idea that out of all the primes in the Omniverse, she was the first one to require said help. Did that mean there were far more powerful primes out there? She didn’t quite like the thought of super powered beings, just eager to exert their dominance over her.
I really like that, it's a different take and a lot more interesting. It definitely snagged me.
You also had a clear picture of what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go. The idea of the Wayward Foundation is really cool too and I am interested to see how the rest of its story pans out.
Also this:
Quote:“M-Mr Mayor!” She cried out in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you so early!”
“Yes, I won’t be very long.” He began. As he got closer, she began to notice bags under his eyes. “I was just up all night catching beetles on the island.”
That gave me a laugh, having played Animal Crossing. That was a nice reference to those of us who've actually done that!
I also think you nailed this part. I like how we see how Izzy realises how silly her idea sounds, but she sticks with the truth and doesn't buckle under judgement. That is really good characterisation:
Quote:“I don’t care about money, I’m… doing this for love.”
Mr. Steady showed the first sign of a reaction the entire time since she had entered the room, he furrowed his naked brow ever so slightly.
“There’s this man I’ve long been separated from. I’m hoping if i’m famous he’ll be able to find me.” Her explanation behind her motives sound sillier under the weight of Mr. Steady’s sheer presence.
“So let me get this straight,” he began, he lurched forward to inspect her closer, “you’re risking your life entirely so a guy will notice you?”
She nodded quietly, feeling an odd blend of nervousness, terror, confusion, and depression all at once.
The Constructive Criticism: so you have those points up top working for you, but there is a bit you can improve on.
Probably the thing that took me out of it the most was your almost stream-of-consciousness writing. You seem really keen to move on quickly with the story, while focusing on parts that could do with if not less attention, then at least shared with other parts of the story. We spend a lot of time in Izzy's head, but her actions and the actions of those around her don't get much time at all. They're mentioned, but not really expanded on or explained in adequate detail, and it makes me wonder what the rush is. The writing would be much more beguiling if these were expanded. For instance, there was quite a build-up to the race, but it was over rather quickly. There were also a few loose ends left untied (which may be done later) but that helped the feeling of it being rushed.
There's also a few parts of the story where I scratched my head wondering what happened. The crash was very convenient, and explained rather than detailed (the whole 'show don't tell' trope of advice) what happened. There was barely any conflict in the race; the times where there was an issue, she breezed through it rather easily, or at least that's how it felt.
I also didn't understand this bit at all:
Quote:A man in a business suit and a clean haircut placed a medal around her neck.
“Congratulations on your victory Miss Belle.”
”Thank you!”
“Now I ask you to never compete in F Zero ever again.”
“That’s fair.” She said, looking at her feet.
... what? Why can't she compete again? She didn't cause the crash, did she? Even if she did, isn't that half of why F-Zero races are so popular? And why does Izzy agree with him?
You should also try proofreading your work. There are numerous places where either the grammar is wrong (missing/incorrect punctuation), the tense changes suddenly (below you've gone from past tense to present tense and back to past tense in three sentences):
Quote:“Try some of the tea if you like,” he said as he reached over, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the tray in front of him, “or the cookies, it’s all good.”
He shoves the cookie into his mouth and takes a big fearless bite out of it. Proves that the cookies were okay at least, not that she could eat chocolate anyways. She picked up her teacup and inspected it.
and sometimes sentences or thoughts are just cut off, like you were distracted while you were writing:
Quote:Some wire was loose. She became worried that maybe the brake lines.
Most of those issues would be apparent and easily fixed if you ran your eyes over before posting, so I doubt you would have much trouble fixing it up. You just need to take it a bit slower.
I don't nominate this thread for a bonus.
![[Image: gdc0h.gif]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/04/18/gdc0h.gif)