Imperfect Party Plans

[Sterling Archer]

“Now you’re speaking my language,” I replied, grinning at the bugman. For being a terrifying insectoid horror, he was a pretty alright guy. I couldn’t wait to see how the bar patrons would react to him walking through the door. This would be priceless.

“I’d need to be sslurring a lot more to be sspeaking your language,” Cell snarked, cackling at this own comment. He glanced over his shoulder at Batman for support, only receiving silence in return.

“I mean...you’re not wrong,” I said, chuckling. “So...do we have any idea where Lightning Lad is? I don’t know if the place is actually called Town with No Name or if he’s just that lazy, but either way I don’t have any idea where it is.”

Cell and Batman both looked equally confused. “I don’t know either,” the latex-clad batkin growled. “I haven’t been many places since my arrival.”

“Same,” Bugsy and I replied in unison.

Silence.

“Well, let’ss just go thi-”

The words weren’t out of the bioandroid’s beak before the loud roar of an engine echoed across the Nexus, drowning out any further communication. My heart skipped a beat as I caught a glimpse of the familiar silhouette of my beloved screaming toward me from what I could only assume was a gate. “GENIE!” I yelled over the din, “I MISSED YOU, BABY.”

Before I could properly embrace two tons of speeding steel, I felt a pair of clawed hands wrap around my arm and tug hard, flinging me to the spotless floor. Not a second later, the Dodge Challenger rocketed past and slammed full-force into the fountain with a deafening crash, the heinous sound of twisting steel hitting me like a fist to the gut. I didn’t need to be a mechanic to know she had driven her last mile.

“What the FUCK was that?!” Cell cried out, stepping slowly toward the smoking pile of mangled steel. “Who did you pisss off?”

“Oh god,” I muttered, a tear trickling down my cheek as I kneeled helplessly at the insectoid’s feet. “She’s gone.”

“Was your girlfriend or wife behind the wheel?” Batman asked, stepping forward boldly. “She could still be saved, it looks like the airbag went off.”

“No, you idiot. The car!” I shook my head as I spoke, pulling a handkerchief from my breast pocket and blowing my nose loudly into its folds. Thank goodness Omni had had the good sense to give me a new suit.

“Ssoo…” Cell hissed, eyeing the heap suspiciously. “Iss thiss some Night Rider shit or did you get carjacked...?”

I shot up at once, discarding the snotty cloth and wiping the dampness from my eyes with my sleeve. “Cyril," I growled, just as what remained of the driver’s side door popped open and a thoroughly disheveled accountant collapsed onto the Nexus floor.

Our caped companion was at the portly man’s side in an instant, helping him to his feet and assessing him for injuries. Unfortunately, it seemed he was little more than shaken up and otherwise uninjured. With a bit of support from Batman, the two rejoined Cell and me.

“This man says he knows you,” the costumed jackass asserted, allowing the bespectacled man to stand shakily by himself.

“What the SHIT, Cyril?!”

“I’m sorry…” the comptroller replied weakly, looking slightly dazed. His usual dust-colored suit jacket was missing, the sweater vest beneath it sporting a few jagged tears as well as a large bloodstain. His humble loafers were crusted with mud and sand, leaving smeary footprints as he stumbled. “I can’t drive manual.”

“Apparently,” Cell muttered, snickering.

“When I’m through with you, you would be able to BREATHE manually either!” I threatened, balling my hands into fists. “What the hell were you even doing driving MY spy car?”

“Should we give them a moment?” Batman murmured, glancing at the roach, who shrugged in reply.

“Looking for you, you asshole,” Cyril snapped, suddenly standing up straight. “You ditched me in the middle of Darkshire, remember?”

I paused. “Yeah, so how does that mean immediately come back to…here and drive my car into the fucking fountain?!”

“Archer, you’ve been gone for over a month,” Figgis explained, exasperated. “I saw you on that Island gameshow thing and I’ve been looking for how to get there. I must have been to every verse by now.”

“...Why would it be important to come looking for me?” I asked, crinkling my face in confusion. “You’ve been fine with leaving me to die in the past.”

“Yeah,” Cyril replied. “But for all I know in this place if you die, I’ll cease to exist or something.”

“That’s stupid,” I said, waving dismissively. “I pulled my hero thing like an awesome badass and you’re still here.”

“...Archer, I saw your battle. I wouldn’t call hitting someone over the head with various items before being evaporated by a nuclear blast a ‘hero thing’.”

“Shut up,” I muttered.

“Sso, not to break up this coupless’ quarrel,” Cell hissed, stepping forward. “But did you ssay you’ve been to all the versess?

The lumpy comptroller’s eyes widened in terror as he caught sight of the roach for the first time. His lips trembled uselessly for a few seconds before he found his words. “I-I-I….yes.”

“You yess?” Cell parroted. “Okay, sso which way iss the Endlesss Duness?”

“A-Archer what is this thing?” the wussy accountant whispered, backing away from the looming insectoid.

“That’s Cell, he’s a friend of mine,” I replied, putting a hand on Cyril’s back and pushing him back toward the bioandroid. “Answer his question; we’re meeting someone for drinks and after what you just did, a stiff drink is about your only hope of not having your teeth kicked in.”

“Th-this way,” four-eyes muttered, slumping off toward the portal.