Challenge: Cyborg vs. Chara [Judge: Mark]

[Marisa Kirisame]

ok thanks for telling me ill write the post accordingly

[Damien Darhk]

Sooooo are we on diffewrent round?

[Marisa Kirisame]

yea round one

[Damien Darhk]

Alright so round 2 starts when I post again?

[Marisa Kirisame]

yea

[Damien Darhk]

Alrighty, posted

[Damien Darhk]

Good luck on the last round Chara!

[Mark]

Alrighty, well with Chara's post that should button it up on this fight. I should have results for you either later on tonight or some time tomorrow. Just keeping y'all informed.

[Red-Hood]

Thanks mark. Can I go ahead and post in the OM bonus writing for us or should i wait?

[Mark]

I'd wait until after, just for sake of simplicity. Plus, you might decide you want to write an ending or something.

Also as an update, I'll have it up tomorrow. Forgot that I have stuff to do in the morning so I won't get to it tonight.

[Red-Hood]

That's cool. Thanks again for being the judge on this Mark! 


@Chara had a lot of fun with this fight great job

[Mark]

Okay, great fight guys. Before I give judgement I just want to underline that all of this should be taken with a grain of salt and you should know that this is all meant to be constructive and not meant to intentionally make anyone feel bad. I've used Elfailzalot's Judging Template here, so feel free to check that out to figure out what exactly the scores mean.

Without further ado:

General Fight Notes

Cyborg
Post One: You have a great grasp of vocabulary and it shows. I really like the use of colorful adjectives like 'sanguine' and phrases like 'a mirth of laughter'. Really good stuff.

There are a handful of grammar mistakes, though, which make it hard to read at times. While some are not that important (no one really cares about split infinitives, etc.), some of them are jarring and can make it harder to understand.

His Gauntlet connected with the surprised girl. Sending her flying through the air.

Something like this should separated by a comma, as the second sentence is just a fragment. From the general feel of your writing I get the impression that this was probably just a typo, but giving your posts a few reads through before posting can be very helpful to avoid stuff like that.

Post Two: I very much enjoyed how you described hos Cyborg saw Chara. His internal confusion about her seemingly innocent demeanor being at odds with her true, deranged manner was really good.

Cyborg cursed his hesitation, he needed to stop viewing her as a helpless little girl an more like the criminal that she was. 

This added some depth to Cyborg, showing both his concern for what at first appeared to be a scared child and finally his conviction to take her in and stop the violence.

The big point of confusion for me in this post was the change in how you were describing Cyborg thinking. In your intro you used parentheses, but in the post you used italics. While I do prefer the italics, it's good to stay consistent to eliminate confusion.

Post Three:Not purely for this post, but just a general comment: be sure to watch your quotes. Most of them could use some work in formatting, though it's pretty much just adding in commas for stuff like this:

"Energy based weapons offline. Recharge needed" the computer brightly quipped.

You'd need a comma at the end of that quote, as the sentence hadn't ended yet. A few other times in the other posts you put something like this:

"I guess you're not as slow as I thought Tin-Man." She quipped "But you're not as fast as me!" She yelled shrilly as she disappeared once again. 

In this case you'd put a comma after 'Tin-Man', since the sentence doesn't end until 'quipped'. Not too big of a mistake, but something to take note of.


Total Damage Taken: 4

Chara
Post One: I liked the bits about Chara's backstory, showing some of her motivation for why she acts like she does. Still a total basketcase, but it explains some of it. =P

I notice when reading your posts that it seems pretty disjointed at times. There are a good amount of run-on sentences and instances of a bunch of dialogue between characters in the same paragraph. Try to go back of over your posts and read them aloud, making sure that everything sounds right. Sentences without punctuation tend to melt into one monotone note and make it hard to get a good 'feeling' of what you want to get across.

Post Two: Again here, I liked that we can see inside Chara's head for a bit.

"no, I won't run ill just have to play this smart" as she looked for any part of his body that was not covered by his armor 

You highlighted her ruthless nature when she's in the midst of battle. The non-stop taunting as she teleports around him also shows how she likes to toy with Cyborg, trying to goad him into making a misstep.

Post Three: This one left me wanting, as it was a good deal shorter than your others. Also, the part about her “having the soul she needed” left me a little confused.

As another general not about your writing, I noticed a large amount of typos and general issues with capitalization, sentence structure and word use. I can understand what you're trying to get across and the character interactions that you write are great, but it's very hard to understand what you're trying to convey with grammar issues. Giving your work a few reads through is helpful for stuff like this, as well as perhaps having someone look over your drafts before you post them.

Total Damage Taken: 12

Cyborg

Word Count: 1364
Time Call: No
Missed Posts: 0

Quality:  4

Technical: 3

Realism: 4

Scale: 4

Skill: 3

Bonuses: .5 (Super Move bonus)

Penalties: 0

Total Score: 18.5

Chara

Word Count: 747
Time Call: No
Missed Posts: 0

Quality:  2

Technical: 1

Realism: 3

Scale: 2

Skill: 2

Bonuses: 0

Penalties: 0

Total Score: 10


Participant 1: 18.5
Participant 2: 10

WINNER: CYBORG

The attacker has fallen. Cyborg may apprehend Chara and take her away or he may enlist Coruscant's finest to do so. At this point, feel free to post in the Bonus Thread to get your participation OM.

Good work you two!

[Damien Darhk]

Some of thise were typos and I do realiaze I need to proof read more lol I apologize and appreciate the criticism

[Marisa Kirisame]

So where do we post for the bonus OM we get or does cyborg only get it?

[Red-Hood]

We both get it but a nod has to look into it. I've already posted in the bonus thread so now we wait. You however can keep posting in another thread, however you are incarcerated