Secondary Saga Reviews

[Gildarts]

Ruby/ Lubbock had mentioned me reviewing Grave's death scene. I'll do it soon as I have a bit on my plate, but if you wanted me to look at your stuff, and give you a little feedback on specific parts, the saga is "over" (-versed) so I don't mind telling you why you got a certain score, or didn't do as well on a certain part.

All this provided you have questions that aren't super imposing on the judges.

I figure I'll throw this thread up now, and then in a few days I can get around to it, and there may be some accumulated requests. I'll also look back in my inbox to see who else requested this, as I believe a few people mentioned me looking at their stuff.

"What can I do to improve on this sort of storyline in the future." Is a good question/prompt to ask, as I will -in this topic- take the time to pull out your scorecard and take a thorough individual look at some improvement or just your writing style.

[Demetri Malius]

Oh, cool. I would kindly like to know my scores and what i can improve on (besides to really get into charactet motives). I know the reason i was oht was because of that ruahed last post °^° and that my oroginal post was lost in the depths of the omniverse... but ive been trying to read a little bit of saga and hopefull get through it over next break ^-^

Word choice and believability: did the internal and external dialogue for iris feel like it was true to the personality i created for her?

The "functions": critique on iris's inrernal functions that read out her internal processes and such, written in italics and later manifested as an alternate personailty.

Overall: pretty much how i did overall in my posts (besides saga 5....)and any other critique i could use.

[Jak Mar]

Ok, I'd like to hear your opinion on how I did on Jan on part 5.

My voice- Did I make Jan sound interesting to the folks reading?

What could I of improved on that could of made Jan pop more?

[Gamzee Makara]

I would like both halves of phase five to be analyzed a little more in depth, particularly the first half. I struggled trying to come up with ways to make Richtofen's interactions believable. In the second half, I thought that the post was pretty strong but that maybe there was something I was missing.


....I am going to assume that my overall problem across the board for the entire saga was my Grammar. I would like tips on how to better myself in that field. If there are any other like, very noticeable problems, I would like them addressed as well. I'll take care of my own nitpicking, primarily to save you and any other reviewers grief xD

I also feel as though my cohesiveness with the group storywise was not what it could have been. While some of this was character choice, I still felt as though it was not completely what it could have/should have been. Advice on that matter would also be appreciated.

Aside from this, anything really is appreciated. I'm sure there are some things that you noticed that I didn't.

[Gildarts]

bumping this, and just wanted to say that I pm'd Grave's death response to ruby, because I didn't know if you wanted it publicized or not.

[Zack Fair]

Very interested in this. I ranged from taking the most injuries to zero depending on the phase, so I'd love to know what worked and what didn't. I don't really have a certain phase or post that I'd request a review of, if that's what we need, though. Just happy to get any feedback, big or little!

[Gildarts]

Disclaimer: I just wanted to say ahead of time, to everyone, that I made this thread for you guys's benefit, not because I wanted to relive the beauty of the saga, so I don't want anyone who got a lower score or may not have been able to post, to feel self conscious, or in any way offended. I want to give an honest review to help your writing in the future and just maybe answer a few questions you might've had. I also want to say that I think the saga was graded fairly, and that those who remained consistently active did receive less/no late penalties, because activity (while it was not graded directly on the scorecard -think a battle scorecard-) it did play a factor in the delivery and success of the character. I think a few people had to post late some rounds, and I think that that kind of think does hurt the score, because it inhibits some of the roleplaying goals for the other characters, but we also realize that RL just happens, and being understanding to that helps to give people a chance to rebound rather than immediate death.



----

Oh, cool. I would kindly like to know my scores and what i can improve on (besides to really get into charactet motives). I know the reason i was oht was because of that ruahed last post °^° and that my oroginal post was lost in the depths of the omniverse... but ive been trying to read a little bit of saga and hopefull get through it over next break ^-^

<3

Word choice and believability: did the internal and external dialogue for iris feel like it was true to the personality i created for her?

I think for the most part it was true to the personality, however there were some times I felt like it deviated from what I expected, that doesn't mean it was wrong though, because character concepts can develop and change over time to override exactly what the reader expects. I liked the interactions that Iris did have with the other group members, but I was hoping to see a little more bonds to grow with the character.

The "functions": critique on iris's inrernal functions that read out her internal processes and such, written in italics and later manifested as an alternate personailty.

Overall: pretty much how i did overall in my posts (besides saga 5....)and any other critique i could use.

WOOO let's do this! To let you know how I plan on reviewing, I'm not going to pull up every post, but rather, I'll bring up the scorecard and a single post from each of the rounds, and I'll go from there~

Round one!
You got a moderate injury this round, which means you did about average! For this round, to improve, I think reflections on the events could have been emphasized to show and bring out certain characteristics in your character. You got a high interest grade, which means that we wanted to hear more from you, but I think you arrived a little later, so were unable to fully participate.

Number two!
Your previous injury took a toll on you this round, and there were other variables that hurt you as well. Iris's interest was still there, but there were some things we were looking for that weren't quite fulfilled, so you got rated "average" in those categories (I believe because of the sheer number of people and some stuff that he competitors brought to that round, it struggled to give your character a space to shine), rather than a full grade. It was nothing too serious, just the accumulation of the previous injury and the smaller deductions so early hurt the score a bit later.

Three!
Your post in a group definitely emphasized your character, your voice, and gave your character a chance to make themselves known. I think the groups this round, while nothing is perfect, gave characters a chance to develop themselves in a more refined climate. The groups were chosen by me, and I felt like I did a good job picking them out, as I gave a lot of thought later before finally concluding the decision, there wasn't a specific reason Iris was put in this group, per se, but I think group four had a good theme, and the players gave opportunity for someone to take lead, and create a story during the overall story. Ie "what sets apart this character from that one." This round, you were stronger with interaction, and storyline, but you were less strong in the categories you were previously consistent with.

Round four
This round I think there was a small struggle with clarity, and under the judgement, there was a note on a few grammatical errors. Those happen, we all make them, but in the last round you had an injury as well, which hurt your score a little. You stayed active this round, but there were some things you could have done better when describing and trying to hook the reader onto your character's personal story.


Overall: I really liked what you brought with Iris, she/ (robot "it") had a good character, and always remained distinguished in a certain way throughout the story. I think that you showed improvement after the hint topic, and I think that your personal voice added some good action to the saga. In addition, I think that there are some very good qualities which can't always be accounted for in a grading situation, because while during fights (like the camelot tournament right now) there may be a category for one thing, but it doesn't always take into account uniqueness or style, or other very good factors that your character and writing voice can contribute. I think IRIS compliments other characters, and I was really glad to hear it when I knew that our favorite robot's story wouldn't have to be left there.

[Gildarts]

Ok, I'd like to hear your opinion on how I did on Jan on part 5.

My voice- Did I make Jan sound interesting to the folks reading?

What could I of improved on that could of made Jan pop more?

Just wanted to say, these questions are awesomely direct, and make it easy for me to give answers. <3

On part five, many people had the challenge of creating a story that really built up to the climax of drama. I know I felt like some of the suspense that accumulated between Jan and Klaud's story, veered more in favor of Klaud. That is not to say that you both didn't gain 'credit' to the story, but it did seem to enhance Klaud's impact more, and in a competition, it is important to have a balance in a relationship like theirs, to be intriguing, and have more capacity to grow.

Your voice- It was strong and distinguished, however there was a lot of action in your post, and while that did not take away from Jan's perspective, there were times when it felt muddled by the 'goings-ons' in the post.

Lastly, improvements- Well, it was a bit of a surprise to see so many 'military' based secondaries. If you think about it, Christa, Abner, Klaud, Jan, Isaac, Richto, and even more (prolly, i can't remember every detail) were based roughly on a backround that incorporated military themes. With such a huge category, you/we had the challenge of distinguishing ourselves to a HIGHER level than perhaps, a wooden boy (Pinocchio) who was unique, had a niche, and may have survived had he not been disqualified for activity.

It was important for characters like ours to have something that separated us from the group. Isaac had his blood, and a great perspective of an old veteran, who had returned from a war he had lived, (to paraphrase) and never stopped living it. Richto was a mad scientist, and his extremity gave him his own corner of the world, which lead into a good story.

There were others, but those are just examples. You and Klaud had a romance, which distinguished you both from the group (not necessarily the 'military' one), however, I know I felt the fact that Klaud was pregnant, was sourced more around her character. Jan did a good job, however with a little more passion and thorough explanation of his struggle (prioritized) i felt like he could have been separated from the group a bit better.

Ie, starkly emphasize Jan and find a way to make him of great necessity to the story.

[Gildarts]

I would like both halves of phase five to be analyzed a little more in depth, particularly the first half. I struggled trying to come up with ways to make Richtofen's interactions believable. In the second half, I thought that the post was pretty strong but that maybe there was something I was missing.

Sure thing.

The first recap you posted was super creative, and set a good, adventure/action hook onto the reader. It had a good impact, and surged life into the post. The placement was cool, the references and allusions were fun, and it had a great upbeat voice to it, despite the darker and more intricate content.

During this round, I actually found your grammar to be pretty well taken care of, I personally found the majority of it clear, but I think even professionals have to give a little thought to it now and again. For the future, I would suggest not underlining something, because that can take away from the story, and mix up the reader's "path" as they are flowing from sentence to sentence.

The second recap established a good interaction with your character and the group. Crow and the Captain's interaction seemed a bit small, but it was all in good taste. I liked the dynamic and felt you kept it short and sweet.

Next came the reflection, which gave a good sliver of insight on Richto before delving into his deeper, haunting self.

The ending, I felt of your first post could have been a bit stronger, but I assume it was because of the format you had used, as we all had to put our memories and recaps at the beginning of the post, and stick to a bit of a guideline in that sense (else you can imagine the group going a bit too nostalgic) rather than giving the primary focus on the following...

Richto's distinguishable voice was emphasized especially well in the second post of this round. It was amusing, quirky, and kept a good pace. You kept some action, some struggle, and a good amount of focus on what was relevant, and interesting for the reader to imagine. I never felt bored, nor a lack of "drama" and I think that that is a personal skill that you display through your writing, rather than just focused on by Richto's cool character.

You had some short quips, some long floods of good detail, and I think overall you just had some decent content that gave great interest to what Richto could bring in the future. The second post was certainly much stronger than the first, however I think it was because of the good set up and foundation.

....I am going to assume that my overall problem across the board for the entire saga was my Grammar. I would like tips on how to better myself in that field. If there are any other like, very noticeable problems, I would like them addressed as well. I'll take care of my own nitpicking, primarily to save you and any other reviewers grief xD

I would have to agree with both your assumptions on grammar and cohesion. As for grammar, I think some of the parts that makes your voice a bit more lively actually has to do with some of the consistent inconsistencies you made. I think during the course of the saga, you really found a way past some of the problems, and during your fight post there wasn't a lot of grammatical errors, if I were to suggest anything, and this is the major thing, it would be to watch the quotes and italics. Font color is great at an easy glance, but don't you want the reader to feel in depth, and hear your character's voice in their mind?

Quoting and italics as well as formatting and separation do play into this as well. Focus can be detached from the essence of the words, when you have certain parts of the story

go
like
this

rather than doing something. like. this. Impact is something that is taken with these tools, and I think with quotes you even grew to use a bit better in your time interacting with the other writers. Overall, your progress really showed itself in every category, and growth and interest as well as potential helped secure you a spot.

As for tips, I recently read something sent to me from Strazio, it was about framing facts (and I suppose quotes too). If your character doesn't talk all that much, you'll probably have more of a build up to what they are saying. Example:

Tom rarely spoke, it was seen as an honorable trait by his people and his charisma often showed itself in his silence. When Rain questioned his authority in front of the entire room, he paused, powerfully. Doubt seeped into the accusation, warranting it as a desperate plea for attention, while Tom remained composed but fully aware of his audience. He spoke, "Only when one feels small, do they address their pain so largely, it is in this way that they often miss their own point."

While this may be a weird example, it gives impact to the sentence, and it gives unspoken details about Tom, who respectfully tells Rain to back the fuck off.

Another frame, to someone who is loquacious might be using a different tone, or saying something a bit off-key to their character style, to gain reverence. Ex:

Rain's eyes grazed the room, the soldier seemed mortified of the dead and found herself babbling to one of the nurses about the state-issued footwear problems, rather than addressing the problem at hand. Suddenly the lively girl turned, and her eyes held on the nurse's who seemed to be much more somber than the fearful private. Rain stopped herself, "You must've seen death a million times."

The nurse calmly nodded as she neared a large crib, "Life is taken, but also given."

....

Experimenting with things like that might be hard at first, but a little diversity can really help a writer grow.

I also feel as though my cohesiveness with the group storywise was not what it could have been. While some of this was character choice, I still felt as though it was not completely what it could have/should have been. Advice on that matter would also be appreciated.

Aside from this, anything really is appreciated. I'm sure there are some things that you noticed that I didn't.

As for cohesiveness, I can see what you are saying, as Richto is a bit of a zany character, but I felt like it gave him a niche. Sometimes thoughts or a few flashbacks may have seemed a tad jumbled, but I felt they were more of an asset to separating Richto as an individual than hurting his survival chances. Overall, in the future, to keep a story concise usually helps to effect the impact. To do/establish this a bit stronger, I suggest what I said above which was just to frame it, or elaborate on when /where type questions. Details are important!

Any other things: I have written after phase 5 that you progressed a huge amount on grammar and while the competition was steeper in the void, you managed to stay on par.

Good work, and I hope to read more from you soon.

[Gildarts]

Very interested in this. I ranged from taking the most injuries to zero depending on the phase, so I'd love to know what worked and what didn't. I don't really have a certain phase or post that I'd request a review of, if that's what we need, though. Just happy to get any feedback, big or little!

Well put. I'll keep it pretty simple, you did a nice job keeping the reader interested in your character/ and what he was going to do next. There were some times that the interaction between Abner and the group was less solid than other times, this wavering feeling, while attributed possibly to his unique position in the group, did occasionally count against you.

Another time, a bit more emphasis on maintaining your character as "round" could have been given, however this was more in the earlier stages, as looking back, I'd say he's changed a lot.

Even though you didn't get a complete score in round five, this was posted this under your scoresheet by yours truly "(I just wanted to note here, that I think Zack has done a wonderful job this entire saga, and that this phase has been no different. I was super impressed with the amount he has participated and the careful thought and consideration he has given to his character, the story, and everyone else’s character too. I also was lucky enough to get a chance to write with him, and I think he did a nice job doing justice to my character as well.)"

Pretty much, nice balanced character and impact. I think the intrigue is what really kept my attention the most, and prompted me to write that below. .... Also the following (which you got a perfect score) I wrote "Blown away!"


That's my review for you, I don't really have much else to say? If you have specific questions I'll answer them, but I think what 'didn't work' was mentioned above, and while there were probably a few other things I missed, I know some other characters that aren't judges found your character very intriguing as well, which doesn't impact the score, but I think that alone tells you that you did very well in staging, framing, pacing, and just setting the story up for Abner to thrive under the circumstances.