Quest Completion: Let Darkness Come

[DioBrando]

Hey I'm just about done with <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1697">viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1697</a><!-- l --> just waiting for staff approval to finish the quest, and a post from our resident Dracula.

If at all possible, and if I meet the adequacy requirements I would be sincerely grateful to be allowed the OM bonus and benefits.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

I'll give this a read through and have a judgement up in the next few days - that is unless someone else beats me to it.

[Atelos]

First of all the quest stipulations
Over 8000 words check
Innocent women or child *sigh* check
Darkshire soldier dead check


My grading system is the same as Proto's and Sarah's but I added a little more to it. I'm grading on the basis below.

Style-The flow of the work and the way it sounds. Does it sound good in a sense and was there anything that detached me from the story? The things you do to create the story.

Grammar-Basically what it says. Are there a lot of grammar errors or are there none? This can vary to actual punctuation to sentences and etc.

Story-Does the story make sense plot wise? Does it have a beginning, a conflict, a rising action,, Etc.

Awesomeness-Do I enjoy reading it and was I interested in the story? Is it thrilling and does it engage the reader.

Believability- I feel like this should be a separate section of its own. Do I believe that these things would happen or was it forced to fit in with your plot? Did your character God-Mod a bit?

I'm going to have each section worth 4 points and since this is a more difficult quest I'll make the cut off at 11points.


Style 2.5-At the very beginning of the quest I had a problem with the amount of Dio's you said. Not just due to his arrogant behavior but just describing what he's doing. Occasionally you even said Dio two or three times in a single sentence. You also like to repeat key things a couple of times and it makes the reader go " wait didn't he just say that?" However your diction is really nice and you're able to paint really nice pictures with the use of your language

Grammar 3- I feel like your sentences run on forever and you use a lot of commas to justify these sentences but it didn't bother me too much. Other than that there weren't any major errors that distracted me.

Story 2.5-Theres a nice beginning and nice change but I felt like there wasn't enough rising to action. I felt like it was a cake-wake for Dio and he never really had any trouble and he just performed these acts as if it were mundane.

However I will say your humor is very nice and it breaks the dark mood of the things your doing and doesn't isolate the reader. The way Dio speaks makes me want to laugh because I can't imagine anyone that pompus

Awesomeness 3- I like this quest just because I had done the other one and I feel like it needed to be completed to balance things out. The arrogance of Dio is very enjoyable to read because it's just humorous. The part where he repeats useless was very funny. Lots of good parts but the lack of difficulty in the tasks made me give it a -1

Believability 1.5- I personally felt like you had a little too much free reign as Dio. Especially the part where you mentioned that the Captain was a survivor of the Great War with diablo. Diablo is one of the strongest being in the Omniverse and the Darkshire forces were barely able to repel him. If there had been a veteran of that war, he would have been much stronger than you depicted him. When he called down that holy fist you said it incinerated the two people next to you but only managed to char you. I think it would have done a lot more than just char you.

You also give way to much credit to basic regeneration, it heals small cuts and other things easily, not bone fractures, deep cuts, and burn wounds. Even though it isn't a fight and you don't need to keep track of SP you rely on it to recover from every wound.

Total: 12.5/20

Note that this isn't a bad score that I considered 4 to be absolutely perfect and I would consider an average post to be a 10. You write very well and you paint a good picture but I had a personal problem with the lack of difficulty and how easy it was for Dio to accomplish these tasks, specifically the battle with the Captain. Also make sure you split up your sentences more to make them more bite size pieces so it's easier for others to read and use more pronouns instead of "Dio."

Other than that you have succeeded the quest. It is very nice with Dio's arrogant side contrasting with the formality of Dracula's castle. His arrogance even manage to make the darkest scenes comedic and somehow really cool at the same time. Your writing is very good and I look forward to reading more of it. I'll give you the 600 OM and a staff with post on the behalf of Dracula giving you Dracula's taint

If you want more feedback you can send me a PM and I'll write you something

6105.32+600=6705.32

[Atelos]

The Taint of Dracula has left a scar on Dio signaling his power and influence in the Pale Moors. This is an RP flavor item a lot like the Emblem of Darkshire and will earn you recognition from the monsters that serve the Lord and the people who defend against it. Feel free to add it to your roster.