The Dragon's Maw

[Atelos]

So pro wrote 11000 words in 1 hour! JK but yes is this adequate for the quest?

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[Sarah_Kerrigan]

I'll be reviewing this. I've started to read it. Think I'm on your second post at the moment.

[Atelos]

Thanks Sarah!

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

I should start by saying with this I basically had to come up with my own form, so there is some clerical explanation below about my thought process regarding how I went about reviewing this Quest. The categories I used (detailed below) are inspired from Protoman’s fight judging as I felt they work rather nicely. However, the ‘score’ chart as it were is completely different as I wanted to come up with a standard but fair way to say whether or not Atelos succeeded in getting this Artefact.

First off here are the Quest Stipulations:

• Must Climb the Tallest Mountain in the Frozen Fields. Check.
  
• Must locate, breach and explore the temple, while overcoming traps and guardians. Check.
  
• Must be at least 10,000 words long. Check. It is 11,303 words long.

They were all ‘met’ in the sense that they were at least mentioned/done in writing. The way I am working this though, the overall score out 20 determines whether or not I feel like enough was done to earn an Artefact. All of the variables below can achieve a maximum of 5 points. That said the categories I used to ‘judge’ this are:

Categories:

• Style: Exactly how it sounds – how well it ‘flows’ for lack of a better word.
  
• Story: Also exactly how it sounds – in the basest form: do the events that take place make sense; is there the classic ‘literature’ problem to solve, a rising action, a turning point, the falling action and conclusion?
  
• Grammar: It’s grammar. Are there a lot of errors, a few . . . or none? All things from spelling to sentence structure would fall into this category.
  
• Awesomeness: This is the most subjective category and it refers to what Protoman called ‘the reader’ and their entertainment. Essentially, did I enjoy what I read and was I engaged?

The Scorecard:

• Style: 2.5
  There are a few too many words that are repeated (you don’t need to say Atelos nearly as much as you did for example) – sometimes in the same sentence – and a few of the paragraphs could have been separated out (if only to make it a bit easier on the eyes to read). Also there are times where it is hard to follow just whom is speaking/thinking. When there is a new speaker there should be a new paragraph. Lastly, you could do well to alternate the ‘he did this, then that,’ flow occasionally. There’s a point where too much telling and not enough showing gets confusing. However, at the same time, that DID attribute a lot to the breakneck pacing which made this action-fest so enjoyable….so uhm – maybe moderation? I guess. Yeah that.
  
  
• Story: 3
  There’s room for more explanation and a need for more side-character screen time so the reader can get fully vested in their challenges and understand what they are feeling. I also felt that the beginning where he first learned about the Temple could have been expanded upon as well. One rumor is enough for him to just jump into action? As noted above – I think the initial contact with the Dwarves could have certainly been expanded upon.
  
  Although at times I may have questioned the realism behind certain proceedings, I never doubted that Atelos' character could pull off the feats presented.
  
  Also the replicas were a nice touch to the standard ‘don’t step there’ trap. But the one thing that I had to suspend my disbelief for is the slaying of the Dragon. It made me really think hard as to whether or not Atelos could survive that encounter in the first place. However, it is done decently enough that I can just chalk that up to the plot shield of main characters and to the other presence lingering inside Atelos pushing him nearly past his body limits. And he has Survival so, yeah.
  
  As far as the staples of a decent story: there is indeed a beginning middle and end to this tale with all the trimmings that they entail. It's not perfect but hardly anything is. There is always room for improvement.
  
  
  
• Grammar: 3
  There are a few errors that distracted me, but not enough to really bother me personally. As with style there were sections that need improvement however, not enough to detract from the overall effort here.
  
  
  
• Awesomeness: 4
  I really enjoyed this Quest - not just because it is one of the Artefact ones. But because he wrote it in such a way that highlights how an Adventure can be serious, but at the same time keep that fun attitude that has always persisted in any form of roleplaying. That traditional feeling of achievement at the end of a hard fought journey. Bonus for the plot twist of a form of Hades dwelling in Atelos’ body supplying him his ‘supernatural’ powers. Also Dragon. Also dead Dragon minus 1 point. That is not a joke I really started this out with a 5 then dead dragon so 4.
  
  
  
• Total: 12.5

In this instance, I set my personal cut-off point for success with a score of at least 12, since this is meant to be a very hard endeavor. For reference a score of 9 or 10 is an average score. He scored a 12.5 and to be honest mostly it’s just some structural and grammar stuff (some stylistic stuff) that can be ironed out later down the road with more proofing and editing. For a first attempt an Artefact quest, I am not only impressed (as there are not any examples to begin with), but honestly was rooting for the character to pull through at the end.

I will say this: it is an entertaining read. It felt like a Dungeons and Dragons Adventure, and that brought my enjoyment factor up quite a bit. There were traps galore an Indiana Jones scene – dwarves, trolls and a perilous climb up a mountain. Also a Dragon. Yeah you knew there would be a dragon. All these things are epic in themselves and as they should be. In short great scenes and ideas, but their execution just needs a little improvement.

It’s an action-fest with no holds barred, but somehow I didn’t mind that in the least. The breakneck pacing suits his character and I certainly felt brought along for the ride. I am even willing to hand wave some of the less believable aspects to simply sit back and enjoy the read.

If you would like more specific feedback Atelos, let me know and I’ll write some up and pm you. Otherwise the Dragon Maw is yours. Please list it on your Roster and create a respective Tier 1 Super Move for it. I am making the assumption that the Super Move hasn’t been formally written up (as I have looked and can’t find one in the staff section), so with that in mind, I am also going to suggest that whomever possesses this Artefact shapes its function (being the super move) to their unique character. Just remember the whole 0 Sp cost and MAY ONLY BE USED ONCE A FIGHT stipulation therein.

Edit: Since somehow during the shuffle of my notes I missed mentioning this above. Numbers Atelos (as we talked about in the chat), are fine if they aren't used in constant and rapid succession like you had a habit of doing in this quest. Remember that for next time in case my insistence in the chat is not enough, this is here for you to view later.

[Atelos]

If you wouldn't mind I would love additional feedback. I would love for my writing to get better and for others to enjoy it as well! Thank you Sarah for reading it and THANK YOU MORE especially for giving me such deep and thoughtful suggestions and critics.