12-03-2017, 11:32 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-04-2017, 02:30 AM by King Ghidorah.)
You guys may not know this about me, but I watch a LOT of supernatural horror movies. I'll be the first to admit that most of them suck, leaning on trite and tired tropes, abundant gore, jump-scares, and cheap shock value. They make for good riffing fodder, and they're a decent way to cultivate a sense of smug superiority for an hour or two. However, precisely because generic slasher-flicks and creature features are so thick on the ground, more than any other genre the really great horror films stand out. Typically, this is either because they find new and different ways of framing, addressing or examining the material (Cabin the Woods, Scream) or master the tropes of the genre so thoroughly that they create a genuine sense of foreboding, mystery, magic and the macabre which lingers even after the film is over (The Void, Occulus, Hellraiser).
It's coming up on that most wonderful and joyous time of year again, so, with all this in mind (and because I was recently stuck on the couch for five days with nothing to do BUT watch movies) I thought I'd take a moment and talk about a subject that's very near and dear to my heart - the Christmas-Themed Horror Movie.
Christmas horror movies are a perverse sort of beast, predicated on taking the sense of imminence and fantasy inherent in the holiday season and injecting it with a little bit of the old-world oppressiveness and deathly promise of a really cold winter. The good ones take a time that Western culture associates with togetherness and family and make it about isolation, ritual, and the dark mysteries of a holiday that's actually far older than Christ. The bad ones are slasher films dressed up in tinsel, so gimmicky that they're impossible to take seriously.
The latter kind of Christmas Horror is overwhelmingly more numerous. Before Jack Frost was a brain-stunningly shmaltzy family-film, it was a tasteless slasher movie about a serial killer who got turned into a murdering rapist snow-man. It's exactly as uncomfortable as it sounds. There are two different movies, made by entirely different people called Santa Claws. In one of them, Santa actually has claws. No matter how heinous his crimes, a mall-Santa with a knife ( 3 different movies!) is not terribly interesting. Unless you're the sort to go in for moral outrage over the perceived defilement of a beloved holiday icon, the laziness of it gets off-putting pretty fast, never mind the lack of any redeeming element of atmosphere or story. In general, this is the level on which holiday Horror operates, and this is why the few example of quality from this niche-within-a-niche genre are so notable. So without further ado, let's talk about the good ones.
There are, to my knowledge, only three.
A Christmas Horror Story
It's on Netflix, and you should watch it. This is probably the best of the best for this sub-genre, able to stand on its own not just as a Christmas horror-film, but as an excellent movie in its own right. It alternates between several stories within a town where, over the course of a particularly dark and cold Christmas night, reality and history seem to be flapping loose.
A dysfunctional suburban family visits their grandmother, and their mutual animosity unleashes a monstrous figure from teutonic myth. A couple cuts a Christmas-tree from a fenced off lot, briefly losing track of their son, and when they find him again, he isn't the same. A group of teenagers find themselves locked in the basement of their school over the Holiday break, and the echo of a decades-old tragedy is locked in with them. Meanwhile, at a North Pole workshop that despite being presented at 50's-esque Christmas-special face value feels dream-like, exhausted and ancient, something has gone horribly wrong with Santa's elves. In the face of a zombie insurrection, the illusions and comforts of centuries of myth begin to be ripped away from a post-traumatic German sun-god turned toy-maker.
All of this is tied together by a Christmas-loving late-night radio talk-show host, played with remarkable authenticity by none other than William Shatner, who gets progressively more inebriated and disillusioned as the night ( and the movie goes on) and the town outside his studio goes mad.
Perhaps best of all, there's a twist at the end - the kind that makes you watch the movie again.
All the different stories are told authentically and brilliantly, even the North Pole Zombocalypse, which manages to be genuinely haunting in spite of the overt zaniness of the premise. For those who like a little bit of intellectualism in their horror, the film displays a refreshing knowledge of the history of the season, and brings it across in some surprisingly subtle ways (though by necessity certain liberties are taken as well). Overall, the film creates a heavy atmosphere of something important to the world souring with age, and beginning to spin out of control, while still managing to be genuinely fun and entertaining.
(It's seriously really good, and has something to teach about layered storytelling. Go watch it now. I'll wait).
SANTAS SLAY
It should be noted that this film is, by most conventional wisdom, bad. However, if you're a fan of self-aware horror, its definitely worth your time.
Santa's Slay lacks the complexity and dense atmosphere of A Christmas Horror Story, which is objectively a far superior film. However, it makes up for much of that that with energy, irony, and sheer enthusiasm. The premise is fairly boilerplate on the face of it -Killer Santa Claus - however, it shines in the execution.
1000 years ago, Santa, the son of Satan himself, bet on a curling match (a game where you compete to see who can slide a stone closest to a hole in the ice without the stone falling in) with an angel - and he lost. By the terms of the bet, he was doomed to do good deeds for a millennium, rewarding the good little children with presents every year on the eve of Jesus' birthday. However, this year, the millennium is up, and Santa, played by none other than professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, is on a murderous, hedonistic rampage. A brother and sister, two of the least annoying children in movie-history, are, by virtue of a book passed down through their family the only people besides their grandfather who understand what's going on as Santa descends on their town and starts killing everybody in the absolute hammiest methods possible. They have until Christmas is over to find a way to stop an invulnerable, gun-toting, strip-club patronizing, pro-wrestling-move-using, police-station wrecking, zamboni-homicide-committing Goldberg-Claus.
This movie includes Rudolph getting shot down with a bazooka and a fairly tasteless (but oddly satisfying) opening scene in which Santa murders a room full of extremely annoying actors. It is not, strictly speaking, always in good taste, but Goldberg's physical presence and overblown acting carry a kinetic enthusiasm that drives the film to heights other killer-Santa movies can only dream of. It's not a horror movie that's trying to be scary - it knows its stupid, and it wants to be as fun as possible; By and large, it succeeds.
Santa's Slay is not available for streaming, so if you want to watch it you'll have to look around and/or wait, however, unlike the previous film on this list, you won't actually lose anything besides a good time by missing it.
Rare Exports
This film falls somewhere in between the other two in terms of overall character. It's a serious entry in the holiday-horror sub-genre rather than a murderous romp, but its a little silly at times. (It's also very Finnish. Personally I take that as a plus).
The movie opens with a research team in Lapland discovers that what was previously thought to be a mountain is actually massive burial mound, constructed by the Saami thousands of years ago. In the process of excavating the mound, they blow the mountain open with dynamite, and unleash the things that were trapped inside.
Soon, the local ranchers discover that their reindeer have all been slaughtered in the night in what they initially take to be a massive wolf-attack, and they go to confront to confront the research team for stirring up the local wildlife with their blasting, only to discover that the scientists have all disappeared, and the top of the mountain has been replaced by a massive hole. Shortly after that, their children, who have become increasingly fearful of Santa-Claus, start to disappear, replaced by straw effigies. Other things are disappearing too: burlap sacks, space-heaters and other household items - and then one of the ranchers captures a feral old man in the act of breaking into a house. As Christmas approaches, and the situation degenerates, it becomes apparent that something ancient was buried in that mountain, and now its helpers are abroad in the land, going about the business required for its resurrection.
The movie is pretty dark, drawing on heavily on the mythology of Krampus and the sinister side of the Santa Claus legend, but its also feels authentic, and never really ventures into the realm of camp. It plays like a story about something weird happening to real people rather than horror-movie archetypes. The protagonists, all working men, have both believably flawed personalities and a certain rugged charm, and their resentment towards the research team for causing this trouble strikes notes of real-world class-conflict. The parent-child relationships, which are developed instead of just assumed, have some genuine emotional heft, making the child-abductions feel like a real raising of the stakes rather than merely a gimmick, and the somewhat idiosyncratic ending - from which the movie takes its name - is almost David Lynchian. As horror movies go, its pretty unique, and definitely one of the better ones.
And there you have it. Holiday Horror movies for your viewing pleasure this Christmas Season. If you've got any thoughts or recommendations to add, I'd be glad to hear them, but in the meantime, a merry Midwinter Festival to you all.
It's coming up on that most wonderful and joyous time of year again, so, with all this in mind (and because I was recently stuck on the couch for five days with nothing to do BUT watch movies) I thought I'd take a moment and talk about a subject that's very near and dear to my heart - the Christmas-Themed Horror Movie.
Christmas horror movies are a perverse sort of beast, predicated on taking the sense of imminence and fantasy inherent in the holiday season and injecting it with a little bit of the old-world oppressiveness and deathly promise of a really cold winter. The good ones take a time that Western culture associates with togetherness and family and make it about isolation, ritual, and the dark mysteries of a holiday that's actually far older than Christ. The bad ones are slasher films dressed up in tinsel, so gimmicky that they're impossible to take seriously.
The latter kind of Christmas Horror is overwhelmingly more numerous. Before Jack Frost was a brain-stunningly shmaltzy family-film, it was a tasteless slasher movie about a serial killer who got turned into a murdering rapist snow-man. It's exactly as uncomfortable as it sounds. There are two different movies, made by entirely different people called Santa Claws. In one of them, Santa actually has claws. No matter how heinous his crimes, a mall-Santa with a knife ( 3 different movies!) is not terribly interesting. Unless you're the sort to go in for moral outrage over the perceived defilement of a beloved holiday icon, the laziness of it gets off-putting pretty fast, never mind the lack of any redeeming element of atmosphere or story. In general, this is the level on which holiday Horror operates, and this is why the few example of quality from this niche-within-a-niche genre are so notable. So without further ado, let's talk about the good ones.
There are, to my knowledge, only three.
A Christmas Horror Story
It's on Netflix, and you should watch it. This is probably the best of the best for this sub-genre, able to stand on its own not just as a Christmas horror-film, but as an excellent movie in its own right. It alternates between several stories within a town where, over the course of a particularly dark and cold Christmas night, reality and history seem to be flapping loose.
A dysfunctional suburban family visits their grandmother, and their mutual animosity unleashes a monstrous figure from teutonic myth. A couple cuts a Christmas-tree from a fenced off lot, briefly losing track of their son, and when they find him again, he isn't the same. A group of teenagers find themselves locked in the basement of their school over the Holiday break, and the echo of a decades-old tragedy is locked in with them. Meanwhile, at a North Pole workshop that despite being presented at 50's-esque Christmas-special face value feels dream-like, exhausted and ancient, something has gone horribly wrong with Santa's elves. In the face of a zombie insurrection, the illusions and comforts of centuries of myth begin to be ripped away from a post-traumatic German sun-god turned toy-maker.
All of this is tied together by a Christmas-loving late-night radio talk-show host, played with remarkable authenticity by none other than William Shatner, who gets progressively more inebriated and disillusioned as the night ( and the movie goes on) and the town outside his studio goes mad.
Perhaps best of all, there's a twist at the end - the kind that makes you watch the movie again.
All the different stories are told authentically and brilliantly, even the North Pole Zombocalypse, which manages to be genuinely haunting in spite of the overt zaniness of the premise. For those who like a little bit of intellectualism in their horror, the film displays a refreshing knowledge of the history of the season, and brings it across in some surprisingly subtle ways (though by necessity certain liberties are taken as well). Overall, the film creates a heavy atmosphere of something important to the world souring with age, and beginning to spin out of control, while still managing to be genuinely fun and entertaining.
(It's seriously really good, and has something to teach about layered storytelling. Go watch it now. I'll wait).
SANTAS SLAY
It should be noted that this film is, by most conventional wisdom, bad. However, if you're a fan of self-aware horror, its definitely worth your time.
Santa's Slay lacks the complexity and dense atmosphere of A Christmas Horror Story, which is objectively a far superior film. However, it makes up for much of that that with energy, irony, and sheer enthusiasm. The premise is fairly boilerplate on the face of it -Killer Santa Claus - however, it shines in the execution.
1000 years ago, Santa, the son of Satan himself, bet on a curling match (a game where you compete to see who can slide a stone closest to a hole in the ice without the stone falling in) with an angel - and he lost. By the terms of the bet, he was doomed to do good deeds for a millennium, rewarding the good little children with presents every year on the eve of Jesus' birthday. However, this year, the millennium is up, and Santa, played by none other than professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, is on a murderous, hedonistic rampage. A brother and sister, two of the least annoying children in movie-history, are, by virtue of a book passed down through their family the only people besides their grandfather who understand what's going on as Santa descends on their town and starts killing everybody in the absolute hammiest methods possible. They have until Christmas is over to find a way to stop an invulnerable, gun-toting, strip-club patronizing, pro-wrestling-move-using, police-station wrecking, zamboni-homicide-committing Goldberg-Claus.
This movie includes Rudolph getting shot down with a bazooka and a fairly tasteless (but oddly satisfying) opening scene in which Santa murders a room full of extremely annoying actors. It is not, strictly speaking, always in good taste, but Goldberg's physical presence and overblown acting carry a kinetic enthusiasm that drives the film to heights other killer-Santa movies can only dream of. It's not a horror movie that's trying to be scary - it knows its stupid, and it wants to be as fun as possible; By and large, it succeeds.
Santa's Slay is not available for streaming, so if you want to watch it you'll have to look around and/or wait, however, unlike the previous film on this list, you won't actually lose anything besides a good time by missing it.
Rare Exports
This film falls somewhere in between the other two in terms of overall character. It's a serious entry in the holiday-horror sub-genre rather than a murderous romp, but its a little silly at times. (It's also very Finnish. Personally I take that as a plus).
The movie opens with a research team in Lapland discovers that what was previously thought to be a mountain is actually massive burial mound, constructed by the Saami thousands of years ago. In the process of excavating the mound, they blow the mountain open with dynamite, and unleash the things that were trapped inside.
Soon, the local ranchers discover that their reindeer have all been slaughtered in the night in what they initially take to be a massive wolf-attack, and they go to confront to confront the research team for stirring up the local wildlife with their blasting, only to discover that the scientists have all disappeared, and the top of the mountain has been replaced by a massive hole. Shortly after that, their children, who have become increasingly fearful of Santa-Claus, start to disappear, replaced by straw effigies. Other things are disappearing too: burlap sacks, space-heaters and other household items - and then one of the ranchers captures a feral old man in the act of breaking into a house. As Christmas approaches, and the situation degenerates, it becomes apparent that something ancient was buried in that mountain, and now its helpers are abroad in the land, going about the business required for its resurrection.
The movie is pretty dark, drawing on heavily on the mythology of Krampus and the sinister side of the Santa Claus legend, but its also feels authentic, and never really ventures into the realm of camp. It plays like a story about something weird happening to real people rather than horror-movie archetypes. The protagonists, all working men, have both believably flawed personalities and a certain rugged charm, and their resentment towards the research team for causing this trouble strikes notes of real-world class-conflict. The parent-child relationships, which are developed instead of just assumed, have some genuine emotional heft, making the child-abductions feel like a real raising of the stakes rather than merely a gimmick, and the somewhat idiosyncratic ending - from which the movie takes its name - is almost David Lynchian. As horror movies go, its pretty unique, and definitely one of the better ones.
And there you have it. Holiday Horror movies for your viewing pleasure this Christmas Season. If you've got any thoughts or recommendations to add, I'd be glad to hear them, but in the meantime, a merry Midwinter Festival to you all.
