Requesting Feedback

[Yukki Kazuto]

So, I'm working on a poem for my creative writing class, and have come up with a rough draft. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, concerns, questions, or any other type of constructive criticism, I am happy to receive them. And, if you just want to say "Hey, you suck" That's fine to. I'll just be really sad for a long time.  

My Mental State

I’m broken in a way that nobody can fix

I’m shattered in a way only time will heal

I’m torn by the person who I’d give anything for

I’m flattened by the damage caused by mistakes

I’m broken, demolished, incapable of repair

Too many have tried to help, and they’ve all failed

I shrug them off, saying that everything is fine

While on the inside I don’t even know what’s in my own mind

I’m shattered, the pieces spread to everywhere I’ve been

My mere presence can bring turmoil and strife

I’ve turned friends into enemies, I’ve caused teams to dissolve

But in the eye of the storm, I’m the loneliest of all

I’m torn, the shreds of me lie in a helpless pile

I was manipulated, played with by a succubus in disguise

I watch as the pieces of me are blown away with by the wind

And yet I’d still give her even my final dying breath

I’m flattened, I can never escape what I’ve done.

Between my ignorance and incompetence, I’m always at fault

It’s my responsibility, my mission, my job, my part

But even I can do nothing but watch it fall apart

I’m not who I appear to be on the surface

I sit alone at my desk, I might smile or laugh

But on the inside, I’m constantly fighting myself

Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I alone? Am I afraid?

I miss her. I love her. I want nothing more than her.

I’ll never tell her. When she learned it, she destroyed me.

Imagine what she would do if she knew what I would still do for her.

She will never hear these words, never know my true thoughts.

I am broken, and what is broken does not talk

I am shattered, and what is shattered can not be read

I am torn, and what is torn will never be cared for

I am flattened, and what is flattened is as good as dead

[Luci]

Rythem is good, solid, based around what they call 'masculine' rhymes, which are on-syllable rhymes at the end of a sentence. Although you do use 'feminine' rhymes (rhymes that are longer than one syllable) on occasion you are definitely rhyming on the last syllable.

As for content, there's a lot to like. You are brave with your metaphors (especially in the last paragraph), which is a good thing, and it pays off. This is a poem about pain and is made to convey pain, which should make one mentally flinch away from the poem, and it does that. By using the first-person vantage-point you are forcing the reader to acknowledge the narrator as a character, and experience that character's very specific loss. My favorite paragraph is the second-to-last. It is a fairly deep insight into relationship dynamics and insight (having unique and intelligent ideas) cannot be taught.

One piece of concrete criticism; drop the 'succubus in disguise' line. 'Succubus' kind of implies she was in disguise already.

[Yukki Kazuto]

So, this is the first of ever heard of Masculine and Feminine rhymes. After reading up on them, I found them very interesting to read about and point out. Even though it's pretty much the entire point, it's still a weird feeling to be told "Your poem makes me mentally flinch" XD As to your comment about dropping a specific line, I will take it into consideration, even though I couldn't really find an example of Succubi hiding in any kind of folk lore. But hey, maybe I just suck at research into mythical creatures...