Call My Insane Ramblings Stupid (C&C)

[Tartaros]

Well folks, it's that time again! The rust hobo is out of his non-writing-ness cage, and he demands criticism! :rage:

But seriously, if some peoples could look back through my recent posts (ideally my Colosseum ones and the ones I did with the BWNN), and give me some good ol' fashioned feedback, that would be cool. Thanks.

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Post I critiqued: [spoiler]

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance and into the crowds, the attendee looked up towards Tartaros. "And you?"

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded. "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Still keeping his salesman-like grin, the attendee passed a long roll of parchments and an ink-dipped quill to the large man. "Wonderful! Just sign on the dotted line, number sixteen."

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll before slowly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

"No problem", the balding man behind the counter responded, chuckling slightly, "as long as it's legible..."

Just as Tartaros was turning towards the entrance, the man glanced towards his shoulder, noticing the small figure sitting on his shoulder. Coughing, the attendant spoke, "Excuse me sir, but your... friend here must pay an entrance fee."

Sighing, the Astartes turned back. "Right, right. How much?"

"Ten gold coins, sir."

Muttering slightly, Tartaros grabbed the swirling sphere from underneath his cloak, gripping it tightly. Mumbling, "Just a moment...", before closing his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he let his hand cover the ball of light in its entirety, letting his subconscious take hold. Waking some moments later, the Astartes found a small bag of coins in his hand. Letting a handful of coins drop onto the counter, he turned towards the living puppet on his shoulder. "Get yourself a nice seat, this should be interesting. And before I forget, if I lose, wait for me in that damned white room, alright?"

The denim-clad puppet nodded, hopping off the marine's shoulder and taking a ticket from the still-smiling clerk.

Sweeping his loose comb-over back over his balding head, the clerk turned towards Tartaros again. Pointing towards the entrance, he said, "Enjoy the fair. There'll be an announcement in a few hours."

Smiling through his bandages and nodding at the clerk, the Astartes limped into the crowds. Hopefully there was a blacksmith around...

[/spoiler]

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance and into the crowds, the attendee looked up towards Tartaros. "And you?"

Needs more commas. Specifically after the word entrance and also where the period is. Also, word selection here, but for attendee, perhaps use attendant? Just feels better to me.

Example:

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance, and into the crowds, the attendant looked up towards Tartaros, "And you?"

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded. "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Your dialogue here should be apart of the sentence, not follow after it. That period should, again, be a comma. Commas are awesome!

Example:

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded, "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Still keeping his salesman-like grin, the attendee passed a long roll of parchments and an ink-dipped quill to the large man. "Wonderful! Just sign on the dotted line, number sixteen."

Try not to be repetitive with your transitioning, such as using the word still back to back.

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll before slowly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

Just more of the same here. Dialogue should be tied down, belong to a sentence, and not standing alone. I know it can become monotonous to have to read "he said", "he replied", "he snorted" over and over again, so.... don't do that either. The trick is to create moving and flowing description that shows us the feelings behind the dialogue within the same sentence.

Example:

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll, reluctantly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. His eyes followed the parchment, as humility colored his words, "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

-You don't have to use simple verbs, like "Replied" or "Said", but you do have to describe the how the words are said, and your dialogue belongs within a sentence, not all out by itself.

"No problem", the balding man behind the counter responded, chuckling slightly, "as long as it's legible..."

Perfect!

Muttering slightly, Tartaros grabbed the swirling sphere from underneath his cloak, gripping it tightly. Mumbling, "Just a moment...", before closing his eyes

.

Muttering slightly..... Swirling....gripping it tightly.... Mumbling...

This is just a lot of 'ING' and 'LY'

While there is nothing wrong with it, if you work to reduce how much you use it, I think you will find definite improvement in your work.

Example:

Under his breath, the marine muttered something inaudible, grabbed a swirling sphere concealed from within his cloak, and tightened his grip before allowing his eyes to shut, "Just a moment..."

Taking a deep breath, he let his hand cover the ball of light in its entirety, letting his subconscious take hold. Waking some moments later, the Astartes found a small bag of coins in his hand. Letting a handful of coins drop onto the counter, he turned towards the living puppet on his shoulder. "Get yourself a nice seat, this should be interesting. And before I forget, if I lose, wait for me in that damned white room, alright?"

The denim-clad puppet nodded, hopping off the marine's shoulder and taking a ticket from the still-smiling clerk.

Sweeping his loose comb-over back over his balding head, the clerk turned towards Tartaros again. Pointing towards the entrance, he said, "Enjoy the fair. There'll be an announcement in a few hours."

Smiling through his bandages and nodding at the clerk, the Astartes limped into the crowds. Hopefully there was a blacksmith around...

Not much else I can point out here other than dialogue, and to be careful of how often you use "ING". All in all, you know what you are doing, just need some tweaking. Keep it up, mang!

I'm sure you wanted some C and C on the actual fights and if I am up to it later, I will do some of that for you as well. Sorry I didn't do more!

[Tartaros]

Can never have too much feedback.

[Jade Harley]

I like all of your insane ramblings very much, words can't even describe it. Okay, they can, but still! You've got some quality stuff, like.... it's just really nice to read. Sophisticated without launching into some huge string of words, although I think you could stand to flesh some things out a little in your descriptions. You have neither too much or too little imagery. Your writing is balanced in this happy medium that isn't overwhelming or too underwhelming, but maybe an extra sentence or two to describe the scenery with strong tone words would give it a little kick.

Hmmmm.... you have a real economy of language going on. Your paragraphs range from short to medium-sized, normally, with your large sentences made up of maybe three, possibly four sentences maximum. That isn't bad, I think you're right where you need to be in that area, but it wouldn't be bad to see a paragraph reach down four or five(rarely) lines on a page every once in a while! That's a healthy, full paragraph in my opinion, and it gives you room to develop the story part of your posts.

I'm not going to rattle on about adjective overuse or anything, because I'm way guilty of that myself. I think you've improved marvelously in that department, though, especially in the Expedition's Nexus thread. As for repetition, I do not find myself getting a sense of déjà vu anywhere and I certainly haven't stopped in reading to think, "Gee, he used that word twice!" so I think you're golden. Nice!

The cadence of your writing is very even and level-headed, but I think with a few more sentences of description scattered here and there, maybe indirectly presented as personal observations made by your character (EX. "There were tangy orange dewdrops on the flower, blahblah blah[blahs optional]"), you can really evoke a certain mood or feeling in it that adds flavor.

Anyways, there you go, Tartaros. You can contact me over Skype or PM if you would like my thoughts on a particular post!

[Tartaros]

Bump x2 Combo!

Preferably, my posts in these three threads and the Frozen Fields. I'd ignore the tense swaps in the first one though, I already know about those. It was a pretty stupid mistake.

As always, any feedback is much obliged.

[Jade Harley]

I keep forgetting to do this stuff but everything you have written lately is awesome.

[Jade Harley]

Just wanted to say that I still really like the Nexus thread you had with BWNN and the Vasty thread, but I can also see that you've improved a lot since the Colosseum! Keep up the great work