For Glory! (Skeletor Vs. Thor) challenge

[Mark]

I should probably be getting to this tonight, folks. If that changes I'll letcha know.

[Mark]

Alrighty. Great fight, guys. I really enjoyed reading it. You should both be quite proud of yourselves. I've used Elfailzalot's template here, so feel free to read what all the numbers and stuff mean in that thread. Obligatory "don't hate me" sentiment.

General Fight Notes

Thor
Post 1:

Solid first post. I can feel the frustration that Thor is having, being essentially a God in his homeworld and now being subservient to Omni. I also liked that he went looking for a way to vent his anger, trying to find any excuse to get in a fight. It makes him a more interesting character than the average do-gooder white knight.

The thing I would note here is that while writing a character, repetition can get a little boring. When mentioning characters, it's often good to spice up the language a little using something other than their name or a pronoun. Rather than saying “he” and “Thor” throughout the whole post, you can sprinkle in stuff like “the son of Odin” or “the Asgardian Prince” or “the burly blonde” or something. I'm not saying you don't do this, as I did in fact see it a little more in the next posts, but it's something to consider.

Post 2:

I like in this post the realization that Thor had lost more power than he had originally thought and that because of this new handicap, he couldn't afford to do anything but take the fight seriously. The scene change to the close-quarters beat-down was also a nice change, making the battle a bit more interesting.

I noticed that there were good handful of instances where there seemed to be more 'telling' than 'showing'. A good example would be this:

A second bolt zipped toward him. He raised his Hammer and deflected the shot.

While there's nothing wrong with these sentences, they're somewhat bland. It's more exciting for the reader to hear the sound of the energy bouncing, the feeling of the impact on the hammer, etc. Adding details like that will make the reader more invested and give a better idea of why Thor feels like he does during battle.


Post 3:

Ahh, the Thunder God finally boils over. This was a good scene, as it shows Thor getting past the point of trying in vain to ally with Skeletor and getting fed up with his constant deception. I imagine Thor was reminded strongly of Loki toward the end.

What I'll mention for this post is to be sure and double-check your sentence structure. There were a few instances throughout that were either missing commas or were unnecessary fragments. For example:

Thor was not going to leave this fight unscathed either, for even as he pressed his offensive he felt his armor move uncomfortably against the flesh made so tender by the skeletal sorcerer’s eldritch bolts, but he had been raised to ignore worse in the heat of battle.

A sentence like this should be split into two, as it is kinda unwieldy as-is. The analogy I like to use is that it almost feels like the reader is out of breath by the end of a sentence like this since there is a lack of needed punctuation. Like I said, it's not horrible but it would be improved by reformatting.

Skeletor
Post 1:

Firstly, I have to say that I loved the dialogue in this post. You have an excellent grasp of Skeletor's voice, down to his constant snide taunts and puns. I also enjoyed how apparently outraged Skelly was with how much of a fight Thor was putting up. It reminded me very much of the He-Man cartoon and made for an enjoyable read.

One thing I would be careful of in writing fights like this is formatting. In a few instances the paragraph spacing was a little screwy and one of your lines was lacking your usual purple tint. Neither of these are strictly speaking wrong, they're just little inconsistencies (I'm sure they weren't intentional, just noting them) that made keeping track of what happened somewhat more difficult.

Post 2:

Excellent scene with the hammer-grab! Definitely something Skeletor would try and the result was really funny (God of Blunder, oh man). The bit at the end with both of the weapons returning in unison was also really well done.

In working with dialogue, I'd be careful when trading words with another speaker. When changing speakers, the rule is always to change paragraphs as keeping it all together can get very confusing. It was especially confusing in this instance as the particular paragraph was also where Skeletor attempted to deceive Thor. I at first thought (because of the formatting) that Thor had randomly decided to keep fighting until I realized Skeletor was speaking.

Post 3:

Oooh. A dirty trick by the skeletal deceiver. To get up after a blast from Thor's hammer and still have the presence of mind to try to out-think Thor is something right up Skeletor's alley. That said, I don't envy being him when Mjolnir gets back to his owner =P. Good scene, t'was a fun read.

A comment I have for this post is to be careful of tenses. In the first couple of lines there seems to be a tense change (I'm assuming a missing 'was' or something), or perhaps just an issue with period vs comma:

Skeletor’s non-existent eyes widened in pure terror as the Thunderer unveiled his namesake.  The bolt of lightning streaking down from the storm clouds that had suddenly formed out of the empty whiteness. 

Thor

Word Count: 1928 (435, 777, 716)
Time Call: 1 
Missed Posts: 0

Quality: 4  

Technical: 4

Realism: 5

Scale: 4

Skill: 4

Bonuses: 0.5 (Super Move bonus)

Penalties: 1 (late post penalty)

Total Score: 20.5

Skeletor

Word Count: 2278 (791, 793, 694)
Time Call: 0
Missed Posts: 0 

Quality: 6

Technical: 5

Realism: 6

Scale: 4

Skill: 5

Bonuses: 0

Penalties: 0

Total Score: 26


Participant 1: Thor
Damage Taken: 7
Participant 2:  Skeletor
Damage Taken: 9

WINNER: SKELETOR

[Thor]

woot! Congrats Skeletor! As per the rules it is your write if you would like to slay me, no hard feelings. If on the other hand you would like Thor to drag you off to Camelot, I can post that thor regains his Hammer in the nick of time and cuts-out your lights with an uppercut and we can create a new thread in Camelot. As winner the decision is yours.

[Thor]

And thank-you Mark. That was a wonderfully detailed and helpful analyse of our fight! My writing skills feel as though they improved just by reading it.

[Skeletor]

well, color me surprised!

Thanks Mark for that very thorough review of the posts! (this was why I decided against giving the Sage colored posts at first, because when you miss one it's noticeable.) I will definitely watch that bit about the dialogue, since it seems to be a recurring problem, looking at my other posts...

As for the outcome, Thor, I am torn. Heading to Camelot next makes sense, especially since I had set up that there was a squad coming to collect Rin and Skeletor. But I'm not sure whether to actually have the fight finish, or (since we were pretty evenly damaged at the end of it) still be going on as the back-up arrives, at which point Skeletor would try to flee, then realize he no longer can just do that every time he's losing.

I have to leave for work now, but I will figure out what is happening next by tonight.

Thanks again to both Mark and Thor! An EXCELLENT fight!

[Thor]

Just an idea I've been knocking around in my head; I could have Thor's Hammer not come quickly enough. Skeletor could drop him with a powerful blast or a heavy slam from the havoc staff or something, then Skeletor could be shot by stormtroopers while he's gloating and he and Thor could team up against them and hustle it to the kingdom? Sort of an alliance against a greater threat kind of thing?

[Skeletor]

Ooo! that could work, it kind of escalates into a minor skirmish as imperial forces arrive, and the Camelot squad that's coming this way can serve as cover for the retreat. I don't know whether Skeletor will "Team-up" with Thor, but he would definitely respond badly to their demands for compliance, and be willing to withdraw with the Camelot forces since their group was really just a couple guys who were looking to recruit some new primes.

I'll start working on the post!

[Thor]

I will have a post up by tonight, sorry about the wait.

[Thor]

One more day. work got crazy today... Tomorrow I'm off, so I will definitely post

[Skeletor]

all good, all good...

Really the only reason I've been able to devote this much attention to Skeletor is because the Sage is tied up waiting for a response from someone.

By all means, take your time.

[Thor]

will be posting soon