07-07-2015, 09:34 PM
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Man, I've been meaning to read your stuff so I'm actually pretty stoked you asked me to C&C.
Ok, so your story opens up with some exposition, which is cool. It reminds me sort of of an anime where the main character or a narrator is taking us through what's happening. However, if you could spend some time on each of the places, showing us little slices of his life up to now, that would be exemplary. It's the details that really show us who this person is, so you could even take us through a little scene where Gadge goes through like, a "day in the life" sort of, showing us what he's been up to instead of telling us. It gives us more character moments and helps us know wh othe character is in a more intimate way than a straight-up exposition. Even if you did stick with exposition, give us a few little details. What do these places look like? What do they smell like? What are the primary senses we experience as we move through them? What are the objects he's interacted with on a daily basis? Does he know anyone, or made any connections? Those little details really help sell it.
As far as the date portion goes, I think a bit of dialogue would really help sell the moment. Instead of telling us it was awkward, SHOW us how awkward it was. Did he fidget? Did he stammer? What did he say? How did he convince her? You don't have to give a moment-by-moment recap, but a few choice moments might suck us in more completely. If it's all a memory, he could be adding in his commentary, too. Even making fun of himself or feeling embarrassed.
The transition between the memories and him being underwater was a really cool idea, and I like the way it set up the post's structure, but I feel like the break between the memory and the moment was a little confusing. Making it a more clear distinction would have helped the reader along a little bit there. Also the WHY of him being in the water was a little unclear to me. A super minor grammatical thing, the quoted portions should always have the first letter capitalized if it's somebody (or a fish) saying it.
A little bit of word repetition with the word, "world."
As soon as you break into the current moment, your dialogue is really cool and realistic. I might also watch out for your use of dashes when other punctuation like a comma might work better.
The scene where they hit the garage also seems like it could use a bit of detail. Really ramping up the moments of finding the keys, opening the door, going through the hallways, passing by his work station, even if it was fleeting, would provide some tension to the scene. He's feeling a bit "tense," so drawing out every last detail to feel like eternity would make his emotion a lot more palpable.
To make the death scene more gruesome, tell us about the sensation of it. Instants like these usually burn their way into a person's mind, so make it burn into ours. Going from a scene of tantalizing sexy stuff into the shock of seeing a dead body can really be carried with the descriptors. "Smooth, soft, firm, damp, eager," to "wet, dripping, blotchy, bloated, fetid." See the tonal shift there? It makes the emotional whiplash a lot more present in the reader's mind. Don't be afraid to plow knee-deep into description when you want to hammer a point home. With al lthe buildup of the previous romance, make that shift really POP.
The use of a paragraph break to isolate a truly traumatic scene would have done well with the simplicity of the goon killing the girl.
[spoiler]"Paige let loose another deafening scream, and Gadge spun around the see a tall, bulky man in a brown pinstripe suit wrap one arm around her waist and cover her mouth with his other hand. Off in the other corner of the garage, another smaller man—this one in a navy blue suit—leaned against the front door of the business formerly belonging to Gadge’s now dead employer. “They only want the boy,” the navy-suited man hissed, "Get rid of her.”
With one swift motion, the big guy snapped Paige’s neck and tossed her lifeless body to the concrete floor.
Tears materialized in the young engineer’s eyes, but he couldn’t scream. He had seen too much death already to be pushed to shrieking by the murder of a girl he had just met a few hours ago. The sight of her broken, mangled form crumpled up on the ground horrified him, but something told him that he had far more pressing matters to dwell on. "[/spoiler]
I like how simply you put the action, because it makes quick, simple, even unimportant. However, isolating even a simple sentence can give it weight, and I think her death might have warranted it.
I liek your stuff a lot. I think you've got a really good idea of how to structure your posts and structure your story, but I think adding in more detail to really pull us in would make a world of difference! It's entertaining as hell to read, and I look forward to reading your stuff in the future!!
Man, I've been meaning to read your stuff so I'm actually pretty stoked you asked me to C&C.
Ok, so your story opens up with some exposition, which is cool. It reminds me sort of of an anime where the main character or a narrator is taking us through what's happening. However, if you could spend some time on each of the places, showing us little slices of his life up to now, that would be exemplary. It's the details that really show us who this person is, so you could even take us through a little scene where Gadge goes through like, a "day in the life" sort of, showing us what he's been up to instead of telling us. It gives us more character moments and helps us know wh othe character is in a more intimate way than a straight-up exposition. Even if you did stick with exposition, give us a few little details. What do these places look like? What do they smell like? What are the primary senses we experience as we move through them? What are the objects he's interacted with on a daily basis? Does he know anyone, or made any connections? Those little details really help sell it.
As far as the date portion goes, I think a bit of dialogue would really help sell the moment. Instead of telling us it was awkward, SHOW us how awkward it was. Did he fidget? Did he stammer? What did he say? How did he convince her? You don't have to give a moment-by-moment recap, but a few choice moments might suck us in more completely. If it's all a memory, he could be adding in his commentary, too. Even making fun of himself or feeling embarrassed.
The transition between the memories and him being underwater was a really cool idea, and I like the way it set up the post's structure, but I feel like the break between the memory and the moment was a little confusing. Making it a more clear distinction would have helped the reader along a little bit there. Also the WHY of him being in the water was a little unclear to me. A super minor grammatical thing, the quoted portions should always have the first letter capitalized if it's somebody (or a fish) saying it.
A little bit of word repetition with the word, "world."
As soon as you break into the current moment, your dialogue is really cool and realistic. I might also watch out for your use of dashes when other punctuation like a comma might work better.
The scene where they hit the garage also seems like it could use a bit of detail. Really ramping up the moments of finding the keys, opening the door, going through the hallways, passing by his work station, even if it was fleeting, would provide some tension to the scene. He's feeling a bit "tense," so drawing out every last detail to feel like eternity would make his emotion a lot more palpable.
To make the death scene more gruesome, tell us about the sensation of it. Instants like these usually burn their way into a person's mind, so make it burn into ours. Going from a scene of tantalizing sexy stuff into the shock of seeing a dead body can really be carried with the descriptors. "Smooth, soft, firm, damp, eager," to "wet, dripping, blotchy, bloated, fetid." See the tonal shift there? It makes the emotional whiplash a lot more present in the reader's mind. Don't be afraid to plow knee-deep into description when you want to hammer a point home. With al lthe buildup of the previous romance, make that shift really POP.
The use of a paragraph break to isolate a truly traumatic scene would have done well with the simplicity of the goon killing the girl.
[spoiler]"Paige let loose another deafening scream, and Gadge spun around the see a tall, bulky man in a brown pinstripe suit wrap one arm around her waist and cover her mouth with his other hand. Off in the other corner of the garage, another smaller man—this one in a navy blue suit—leaned against the front door of the business formerly belonging to Gadge’s now dead employer. “They only want the boy,” the navy-suited man hissed, "Get rid of her.”
With one swift motion, the big guy snapped Paige’s neck and tossed her lifeless body to the concrete floor.
Tears materialized in the young engineer’s eyes, but he couldn’t scream. He had seen too much death already to be pushed to shrieking by the murder of a girl he had just met a few hours ago. The sight of her broken, mangled form crumpled up on the ground horrified him, but something told him that he had far more pressing matters to dwell on. "[/spoiler]
I like how simply you put the action, because it makes quick, simple, even unimportant. However, isolating even a simple sentence can give it weight, and I think her death might have warranted it.
I liek your stuff a lot. I think you've got a really good idea of how to structure your posts and structure your story, but I think adding in more detail to really pull us in would make a world of difference! It's entertaining as hell to read, and I look forward to reading your stuff in the future!!
![[Image: sig2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/KrimTheUnsettler/sig2.jpg)
