Let's Read Book Club #17

[Proto Man]

Sarah's been out, so I don't think she'll mind me making sure the peoples have themselves some Book Club action since it's been a wait.

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don'tPlease.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).

Alex's Picks

Ain't Cutting No Ice - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=2647">viewtopic.php?f=20&t=2647</a><!-- l --> - A thread of mostly short posts by what is probably three of my favorite primes from DA who all had the shittiest luck in the world (you're great too, Mami, but you lost your head)

Drink Up, Me Hearties - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=3211">viewtopic.php?f=21&t=3211</a><!-- l --> - A fun and enjoyable thread by two authors kickin' back with secondaries in the Vasty Deep. Any thread with Johnny Depp is too pro.

True Demon of Tangled Green - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=2813">viewtopic.php?f=22&t=2813</a><!-- l --> - FIGHTTTT. I actually like fights. They're fun to read. This is a great one, and it's not too terrible a time consumer. Give it a once over, I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Big Apple, 3 PM - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=3013">viewtopic.php?f=16&t=3013</a><!-- l --> - DITTO. Ditto was always a fun character to read (I read the last... two iterations). This is no different, plus he's not too far into it, so you can get caught up and then keep track! Do it. You know you want to.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Facades - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=2425">viewtopic.php?f=19&t=2425</a><!-- l --> - Start with the third post, as the first part takes place before Dante's Abyss. I actually kind of enjoyed writing this thread, and I just wanted to get any input on it. It also ties into some Darkshire development that ought to be fun for people who have been tracking that.

Longer Read Pick

Welcome to Ambrosia - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=2898">viewtopic.php?f=22&t=2898</a><!-- l --> - This is a thread that dates back a while, but it's a pretty enjoyable read for the number of characters who pop up and what happens. I recommend this is you have a little more time to kick back and enjoy a thread.

[Gildarts]

Suggesting "Mind Games" for the next book club.
Link: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=2799">viewtopic.php?f=21&t=2799</a><!-- l -->

Also, as I suspected, am nominating this thread! The Face of Your Father <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=3065">viewtopic.php?f=18&t=3065</a><!-- l -->

[Mickey Mouse]

I'll be reviewing these as I get to them throughout the next however long this lasts. I just don't wanna forget any of my thoughts so I want to go ahead and get out the reviews as I finish 'em. Starting with this one:

Ain't Cutting No Ice - Lubbock, Gin, Alain, Mami

Wow! I had read the first couple of posts of this a few weeks ago, but I had sort of lost track of it amidst whatever the hell I've been doing. I am incredibly glad Proto put it on the list this week though, because I was happy to jump back in and see more of what's going on! So let me just start by saying that I had an absolute blast reading it. You have a fun, interesting little story going on here and you guys have a GREAT chemistry as writers and characters.

That's probably my favorite thing about this whole thread; the way the four of you work together is spectacular. I always thought that your characters just looked good together in my head (the quartet of Lubbock, Gin, Mami, and Alain seems like quite a natural progression to me) and it definitely transfers to the page. The way the personalities of these guys interact is cool. I'll cite some specific examples. Lubbock/Mami, I absolutely love the weird little flirty rapport you guys have going on. I don't know if you're playing on exploring that dynamic in depth, but even if you aren't, the little jokes are nice. Sometimes they feel slightly out of place, but they still make me giggle, so whatever. It's fun.

Lubbock, going off of that, I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent about you. I think you've got a really solid character going on here but I would be careful of letting him get too girl-crazy. I only say this because I've played girl-crazy characters before and it's hard to find a lot of depth when everything your character does depends on how the hot femme of the group views them. It's just a little trap that I think you can avoid because you're a good writer and you've got a handle on him, and I just wanted to say that from personal experience.

I love the dynamic of these guys and how young they are, truly. I'm looking at your rosters and I can only find Gin's age, but I'm guessing at least Lubbock and Mami are both also around their late teens. You can definitely tell from just their entire attitude about the adventure and how they interact with each other. Lubbock, a cool little detail you had that I liked was when Lubbock decided to literally go deeper in the cave to change because he was afraid of being seen by his friends in his skivvies. I think that's cool because that's something that defines him as a teenager, rather than an adult who'd probably just change without a care in the world.

On a similar note, Mami, I love how she takes the maternal role. Gosh, these boys, they need a strong hand like Mami's to keep them afloat and she is there to make sure they don't do anything foolish. Love that.

Alain, I don't know if you're anywhere close in in-character age to the others, but he's pretty separated from them anyway, which I think is absolutely necessary. He's definitely the more 'deadly serious' option of the quartet, and I think it's a nice balance from the sort of consistent comic relief we get. His relationship to everyone else, sitting in the shadows and watching, feels absolutely genuine. I hope that in later posts we see him get forced into the mix more, though, as I sometimes got a little bit sad that so much of a couple of your posts focused on the other characters in the room. Alain is such an interesting character, I want to see him involved in these things, even if he doesn't do it of his own volition.

The story, in general, is dynamite. You guys are utilizing the Frozen Fields' lore expertly, bringing in the Dwarves and Trolls and that creepy-ass NPC that Lubbock keeps writing about that I want to know more about. I like the characterization you guys have given Urist, and I hope to see more of the interactions between the Dwarves and the main characters. So far, you guys are doing a really good job of making sure that you keep the main four interacting alongside the dwarves, and I think that's smart -- something you guys should keep up. The dwarves are cool, and interact with them all you want, but remember, this is GLAM's story and at the end of the day, that's what your readers want to hear about. Like I said, you're doing this expertly, but just to keep in mind for later days.

Now, on to some picky stuff. This is mostly grammatical or structural stuff that I think will help to make your posts flow better on the whole -- the story is great, the characterizations are great, and I think if you guys can take a step back and really dig in on a couple of these tiny structure issues, then this thread will reach new heights. It was already a super fun read for me and I'm convinced to keep my eyes on it as it unfolds.

Alright, here we go. Mami: just as a note, you use dashes quite a bit as punctuation, which I am totally not faulting you for because I do it too. It's my biggest crutch punctuation. However, remember when you use a dash that the next phrase isn't capitalized. For example, here's one of your sentences from a post:

The figures - A large enough group to be reckoned with, that much was certain - With gear she immediately related to vikings or some sort of primitive European warriors had stopped before Mami.

Actually, this should read like this, with capitalization issues fixed:

The figures - a large enough group to be reckoned with, that much was certain - with gear she immediately related to vikings or some sort of primitive European warriors had stopped before Mami.

Like I said, a tiny, nit-picky thing. You also need to look out for how you space out your dialogue; remember that when a new character speaks, that should be a new paragraph, for instance, when you have Mami talking to Urist, both characters' dialogue makes up one large paragraph, when actually every time it switches back and forth between them, there should be a paragraph break. Just a small thing, like I said.

Lubbock, watch out for repeated words. There's a couple of times when you use the same word within relatively close proximity and it throws me off because I'm like, "wow, didn't I just hear that?" For example, perhaps the most obvious time this happened:

I wonder if I can change my clothes using Omnillium, without going stark naked? he wondered.

See what I mean? Perhaps "he thought," or "he mused." Alternatively, you could just have the thought there -- the italics will clarify what it is for you -- and make the action afterward a bit more dynamic. For example, I might reword the whole end of that section to eliminate some of the repetition, and it might look something like this:

I wonder if I can change my clothes using Omnillium, without going stark naked? Lubbock considered his options, but decided he didn't want to risk it. He crossed to Gin, crouching down next to him.

"I'm gonna check a little further into the cave, okay? Make sure the party doesn't get crazy without me," he whispered in his ear, throwing in a little wink before strolling off towards his excuse to change.

Alain, I've already sort of shared my biggest complaint with you, and that was that occasionally your posts would be more about everyone else than Alain. I appreciate how observant Alain is and you get this across very well, but once again, he's a super intriguing character and I just want to see even more of him.

Gin. Gin, Gin, Gin. I'm going to take this moment to say that you have the winning moment of the thread so far with that drunken exchange between the dwarves and our favorite little redhead. I laughed a lot at various different things throughout the thread, like any Lubbock/Mami exchange, whatever, but never did I laugh as hard as when little Gin was drunk off his ass with a bunch of big, burly dwarves. This character is so neat and so much fun and I just love how much fun you seem to have writing these little bits with him. As far as things to improve upon goes, most of what I've said above to everyone else you can also take a look at. There's some repetition going on (you said "Gin shouted" twice in one paragraph at one point) and I think you had one post that Gin wasn't even in at all.

Also in general something to watch out for: you guys have a good sense of how long moments should last, but be careful not to rush through things occasionally. The whole first meeting with the dwarves felt like it whizzed by and suddenly we were at a picnic. Maybe they could have been at a stand still for longer? Given each character a chance to react to the new visitors before we got all cozy with them? That's really the only moment that truly stands out like that, but yeah.

Like I keep saying, though, this thread is so much fucking fun I can't stand it. So much heavy stuff is going on after the close of Dante's Abyss (points to my work and Mickey's PTSD flashes) so this was such a great little respite for me, getting to jump in and see Gin, Lubbock, Mami, and Alain just going on a fun little adventure in the Frozen Fields. I really had a blast reading this, ladies and guys, and I cannot wait to see what comes next! I wanna know if they kill the dragon!! Anyway, thank you for this fun little thread and I hope my critique helped a little bit! I'll be keeping up with this as you guys keep posting, hopefully! Happy writing.

[Ganondorf]

Big Apple:

Your ability to describe a scene is fantastic! My imagination was filled with a view of Coruscant through Ditto's eyes.

The contrast between Ditto's wonderment at his surroundings and his irritation at the press of people around him was something I particularly enjoyed. You've done a good job of making what is essentially a "blank slate" into a relatable, and fun, character. I can only hope you stick with him, because I am enjoying the read, my friend.

With the closeness to "dictator" in the previous sentence, I would suggest you change "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of that dictator" to "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of the man who ruled over this place."

Ditto's drive to not just emulate the form, but also the substance of his target comes up a lot in your writing, and I enjoy it every time. Too many times you see people who take the shape of, say, a wolf, but don't describe what it would actually FEEL to be a wolf. You do well in making that connection, though I feel some more immersion would be nice. Of course, Giovanni and Ditto are so close in personality that maybe it's just hard for me to see the distinction.

You've certainly crafted Ditto into a fine villain. Not happy with simply conquering, he wants to build his own empire. I see a lot of parallels between him and Ganondorf, and that's making for an interesting read.

At the end of your first post I got a tinge of worry for Ditto. He didn't have time to study his target before he changed, and a large part of the character seems to come from his immersion in the target's personality. I'm finding myself hoping that he doesn't get found out in the next post.

Ha! Lucky Ditto! Those Troopers were more focused on their mission than on his strangeness. Good thing he didn't stick with them, I doubt they would have continued to disregard him for long. I know for the narrative you were telling, you used them as a tool to let you get down to Tier 4 in a natural way, but I would have liked to see Ditto get found out. I doubt the Troopers haven't had to deal with Shapeshifters before, though I suppose one could say they were a bit preoccupied to give you a second look.

I'm finding it hard to spot things I would change in your story. You are a fantastic writer, one whom I enjoyed writing with in our various meetings as Link and Ganondorf. I hope Ditto and Ganondorf can meet sometime, just to see who is the better at word play.

"Broomhead power walked to Ditto and cracked his temple with the butt of his gun. Ditto fell to one knee, feeling a warm wetness on his forehead." needs a dash between "power" and "walked". Power-walked. Otherwise, looking good

You continue to set the scene for the Tiers you've been going through tremendously, and Ditto's revulsion at being touched translated well.

Your ability with dialogue, and speech patterns, is impressive.

I've been spotting a few grammatical or spelling errors here and there, but none have distracted from the ride.

Ditto certainly has a knack for getting himself into trouble and being cocky about it. We'll see if he can back it up.

Oh ho! Machoke vs Machoke. Nice. The only thing that would have made it better would have been having a "flex-off" with the thug and saying, "Do you even lift, bro?"

Ditto continues to be cocky. A few of his opponents seem like they might be pushovers, but a fair number seem like they would be a fair threat to any Prime. Let's see how this continues.

Honestly? A bit disappointed that Ditto didn't have a harder time with the thugs. I feel like the accomplishment of gaining control of the gang would have been sweeter had Ditto had to try harder.

The gunshot wound on Ditto seemed to come from nowhere. I feel like you could have been a bit more clear in when it actually occured.

Not finding a whole lot that I haven't stated in the course of the first two posts so far in the third one. This glimpse into more of Ditto's plan is interesting though. As is his callous disregard for life.

Kinda a strange turn that Broomhead went from mostly a coward to suddenly swinging at Ditto. Not totally out of character from what I read, but considering he JUST had a gun pointed at his head, it felt a bit off. Like something Metal Face would have done instead.

I'm really finding myself entranced by the level of intrigue you have going on with the gangs and the races.

I like how the thugs, despite having been beaten, didn't immediately drop into fearful submissive roles.

Nice to see Enigma put Ditto on his heels, even if just for a moment. The back and forth between them was entertaining.

A lead in to the last Artifact quest too? Not too shabby.

Not much else I can say about the rest that wasn't said before. It was certainly an entertaining read and I hope to read more in the future.

[Yu Kanda]

Well let me start with saying : "THAT WAS AWESOME". As somewhat of a fan of the whole Jack sparrow character this story really captured the character perfectly. His little tells, his way of speaking, way of thinking. It was like watching another movie of him. Knowing a character this well before you start reading about him and two people portraying an iconic character like him this well is a form of art. With every sentence I read, I could actually see him perform his actions the sparrow style. This was just good writing, couldn't say it any other way.

Leviathan is a character you wouldn't normally find in a pirate setting and it would seem difficult portraying her into the world of piracy. Yet, it seemed to come natural. It didn't feel like a forced encounter and a forced team up. Leviathan is a strong character that doesn't mess around and she sticks with this attitude throughout the story which I was happily surprised by. Too many times have i read something where they change the character in order to fit into the story. I'm glad to see this wasn't one of those cases.

The setting was wonderfully written, the detailed words describing the surroundings and atmosphere made it really easy to read and get into the right state of mind ( even for a foreigner like me ). Because of this you get drawn into the setting instantly.

Both Jack and leviathan are completely different characters and creating a chemistry between those two isn't easy at all. But even this seemed natural. There was something between the two and the reader doesn't yet know what it is. Hopefully we find out as the story continues.
Then there was the pirate talk, seriously THAT pirate talk.

“Right in me heart, that one,” he pouted, putting on a pitiful expression and laying a hand on his heart. “Well, if you’re so high and mighty, perhaps you wouldn’t enjoy a trip on my ship. I certainly don’t think I’d enjoy you, savvy?”

This classic Jack Sparrow quote is a perfect example of how this 'pirate talk' just livens up the thread. It also provides with plenty of humor which the story had plenty of. Not too much that it became annoying but just the right amount for it to be enjoyable.

The only downside to this is that it read so quickly. I've seriously read it all in one go without going 'let me go do something else for a bit'. So when I reached the end of the thread i was a bit disappointed that it was over already but I can always hope for more to come.
Even though I'm not a great reviewer I just wanted to point out the things I thought were amazing here. Both of you keep up the awesome writing !

[Gildarts]

BC 17

WTA-
While I'm writing in this thread as Molly, who is a BAMF, I've had a great time with everyone participating. I won't be reviewing this one at this time, but I just want to say, wonderful job everyone <3

DRINK UP, Me hearties!

Quite a vibrant starting post! Very descriptive with word choice and perspective that both lead into the setting while unexpectedly layering the folds of other surrounding characters in a pleasant and informative way.

Vivid imagery caused for some captivating action in your first post, and I notice that you have a knack for saying the things that need to be said in an enjoyable, pleasant, and never boring way.

Your first post is beautiful and in so many ways it shows how you have grown as a writer, and perhaps stylistically have become more refined, or should you prefer, polished.

Jack's dialogue is spot on. Nothing else to say about it. I heard him in my head (for better or for worse).

Another notable thing, is how you didn't go for the iconic, features, but sort of what makes his attire stand out from the rest. I knew it was Captin jack when I was reading, yet was drawn in anyway. His debut was very nice, beautifully subtle, and extremely tasteful.

"but Brucie, you forgot one thing...

I'm [i]Captain Jack Sparrow."

And cue the screams of millions.


That was perfectly italicized, and the little things really work towards the big picture as well as just the excellent finesse and flow you had going.

To anyone who may have been surprised there wasn't more suspense for the death of dear old Brucie, the beginning was actually rather symbolic, and fitted CJS's debut scene because it didn't overplay it. This in itself was good to the whole picture (and effect of the plot) as well.

Jack's secondary status: makes the fact that he escapes death, all that more epic. You have to admit, (as I read that the goal is to find omni) it would be great to have immortality, and jack recognizes it as a treasure. To wield omnilium, but he is destined to be nothing more than a man and secondary.

At first I had thought Sparrow was a prime, but as this concept was denounced and he himself declared the opposite, I couldn't help but wonder. I also appreciated how it (the desire for immortality) ties in with his actual personality and characteristics. Anyway, lovely concept, intriguing and very clear way to deliver this to the reader as well.


"Whaaaaaat ! Millie is in this thread? No way!" Or at least that was my reaction before she went all badass on that guy. Very nice action scene, left a good impact on the reader as well as was displayed with vivid and fluent motion.

I was left a little confused at the alias but that may just be something I missed or haven't read yet about Millie. (SN: the name change/alias is oddly symbolic, so I quite like it.)

Void! Behemoth reference! *squee*

Anyway, as the story continues and the navigation is declared north, I feel like the hostility is played out well between sparrow and leviathan, and kind of leads up and prepares the reader for the action and unadulterated adventure that is surely soon to come.

Love, love, looove this one you two. Excellent writing, excellent interaction, and I can sense an excellent and exciting story soon to come.

[The Dreamer]

Requesting "The Hunt for Home" for the next Book Club.
A newer RPer's first solo set of posts on their way through the Tangled Green, and I feel that some constructive feed back would be a positive thing for the writer.

[Thaal Sinestro]

True Demon of the Tangle Green

Yoooo, this one hasn’t gotten any love yet, so I figured I’d do this one first, in the event I wuss out and don’t do the other ones haha.

Dudes, great fight. It was very action oriented, and I think there were some good exchanges. There were some cool ideas in here, and it had a good back and forth. Drawbacks and flaws are what makes characters, and the scenes they are in, interesting and guys did a good job of giving each other a few good knocks back and forth.

Overall, you both could benefit from more editing, but Retane especially so. You cleaned it up a lot throughout the fight, but your first post was really hard to keep track of. Word repetition was a problem for you both throughout the fight, as well as spelling and grammatical errors. I understand that, especially in a fight, we’re under a time crunch and that we really, really wanna get it out there. Emotions can run high, even if it’s a writing site. I think this might have actually been one of the things that would have pushed Renji over the edge to victory, if that hammers it home.

I think what I read is what I would expect of a good anime fight. There was a lot of brooding, some cool sword work, and some interesting use of your weapons. While I think that it set the tone very well, you could have done a bit more to mix things up. By the end of it, it was a lot of “and then, through force of will power, he powered through. Then he got stabbed again.” I understand that there’s a limited range of things you can do, but making the fight a little more dynamic and a little less formulaic would have gone a long way.

Renji at one point regained control of his mind, but it quickly faded. It was an interesting change, but not much dynamic change happened because of it. It was just kinda there, then it went away. Where does the drama come from that moment? I like that Retane’s weapon changes noticeably changed his fighting style, but it also seemed like a thing that just sorta HAPPENED. Why? Why did he change? What about changing weapons added to the drama?

The action was clear, clean and concise, absolutely. Cool shit happened. But writing is only interesting if there is character and tone. If we can’t feel the spirit of the character through the words used, if we can’t feel and care about the impacts and the losses they have, it can be hard to get hooked. Action is an expression of character, like everything else in writing, and I feel like that is where this fight suffered the most.

You had the inner dialogues, you TOLD us what they were thinking and feeling, but being monologue at isn’t always the best display of character. SHOW us the character through vivid imagery, pulling out tiny details. What tiny aspects do they notice? What’s the air smell like? What memories, feelings, thoughts? Right now, we have “Two demon guys that fight and very willful and compelled to fight because you gotta PUSH THROUGH,” which is sorta flat, it’s 2 Dimensional, you know? Again, it feels very anime in some parts, which again, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but it can leave something to be desired when there are just two dudes hacking each other to bits.

I also think that a fight like this inherently kind of abandons a lot of the build-up, the story and the conflict that would normally give us those things. When it’s just two dudes who meet and wanna kill each other, we lose out, big time, on a lot of the inherent drama of conflict. It also means there’s less for you to draw on as writers. So, as far as all that goes, that’s definitely something I can’t pin on you for not handling well.

However, it does point us in the direction of “wow, it would have been cool if this conflict was the result of a long-term rivalry” or something, you know? Like, a story that leads up to conflict inherently is more interesting. Maybe next time you dudes fight another person, it would be cool to see their relationship outside of slashing and bleeding and SUPER WILLPOWER ARGH. I bet it would have made every little aspect of the fight more impactful, even if it was written exactly as it is now.

On the action itself, there’s very little to really say bad about! It’s all super clear what’s happening. I myself might have written more specific and grabbing details, more similes, more metaphors, but that’s a style thing. Good work, both of you.

Overall, I support the decision that was made, if only for the grammar. Other than that, it was super close. You both actually have a similar writing style, and I implore you both to look for a bolder, personal voice in your writing. It’s hard, and it’s hard to define what that even means, so I know that doesn’t help much.