The True Demon of Tangled Greens

[Gilgamesh]

I'll be getting to this hopefully by today

[Gilgamesh]

Alright guys here is how my scorecard goes

Style-The flow of the work and the way it sounds. Does it sound good in a sense and was there anything that detached me from the story? The things you do to create the story and the literal words you use.

Grammar-Basically what it says. Are there a lot of grammar errors or are there none? This can vary to actual punctuation to sentences and etc.

Character Involvement- Am i interested in your character? Not necessarily "Do I want your character to win?" but more of a sense that I want to be attached to your character. Do I enjoy reader your character fight and his evil or heroic plots? This is kind of like "Awesomeness" that I usually do but this has more additions onto it.

Believability-Do I believe that these things would happen or was it forced to fit in with your plot? Did your character God-Mod a bit? Did you write fair injuries in and fatigue or did your character seem to get off scot-free?

Penalties/Bonus'- For the gamey aspects of the RPG such as Super Moves, Transformations, Stats, and other things that would not be accounted for in just plain old writing.

Each section is out of 5.

Retane

Style: 3.5- You have really nice word choice and I love your style of writing but I feel like I couldn't follow what character you were describing. You have a lot of different titles for Retane and Renji and I had trouble keeping out with all of them. I feel like if you used pronouns more often it would be a much better read. Also you tend to repeat yourself a lot of the time unnecessarily where two would have got the idea conveyed. Ex.

Those words were enough to convince him that the man that stood before him deserved death. Not a worthy peaceful one either. A death that would be painful, agonizing, and relentless. A death that that would haunt him where ever he wound up. Something he would remember. The Reaper already had a death in mind and he would be the one to serve it up to him.

Grammar: 1.5- In this section you were a lot weaker. It wouldn't bug me to personally but sometimes it got in my way of understanding the story. There were some fragmented sentences that confused me, weird commas, and other weird things that kind of got in the way of the story. This score could go up if you fixed a little more of those errors.

Character Involvement: 3 - Origionally i thought it was going to be like Retane was fending off of his property but the more I read the more Retane turned primal and was fighting because he liked it. I really appreciated the deterioration of his character and I liked how it became more of a predator vs. prey relationship. I also liked how you tried to throw the leader of the horsemen but I felt like it was a bit sudden. It contrasted the primal effect you were creating earlier.

Believability: 4.5 This was good not much comments here it was pretty good.

Total: 12.5/20

Renji

Style: 3.5- Same as Retane that i love most of your word choice but instead you have very little switching of key words and themes. You say things over and over again and it just gets repetitive like your repeated use of blood. Your main writing is still very good and creates a nice picture that entertains the reader.

Grammar: 2.5- You had some mistakes like wrong use of pronouns and other errors. They we're obvious errors but there were enough that it distracted me from your writing. A little more proofreading will take care of these.

Character Development: 3.5- I really enjoy the character you created with Renji. I'm getting a feeling of an Atelos/Hades relationship between Renji and Kuzuru except that Kuzuru is more focused on blood than survival. I like the contrast of the giving into the power and fighting it until the last moment where I assume Kuzuru finally possessed Renji. Very nice development of the relationship between the two.

Also, WHAT THE FUCK! HE LICKED HIS OWN BLOOD! I didn't expect that

Just as a personal note, I'd like a bit more Renji fighting him back in his own mind instead of just letting Kuzuru go on and on until Renji had enough of the insanity. The tension builds up better that way, in my opinion.

Believability: 4- This was also very good, not many comments to go on from here other than a couple of things where I questioned it. Nice job.

Total: 13.5/20

Verdict: The winner is Renji, he may write the final post.

Damage:
Renji-5
Retane-6

Afternote:
This in my opinion was a very close fight to read. The deciding factor of this fight was how severely the grammar mistakes jolted me out of the read since both of you we're so close.

Both of your scores would be well in the 15's or 16's with that fixed up mistake. Just make sure when you hit submit you casually read over one more time to check for any tense errors and such, especially for a fight graded on grammar like this. The post was a very enjoyable read and I loved both of your characters fight.

[Retane]

I KNOW What IM gonna DO! Lol IM GOnna Ovffer a Score Card to the Judge next time... THat WOnt INvolve Grammar Lol