06-23-2015, 09:18 PM
Well, you probably knew this was coming. (Though it was kind of nice how I could take my time with it.) It can be rewarding to know you have someone reading your work, and even more when they take some time to offer feedback or just vocalize some of the the best and memorable moments that take place. So without further ado some reflection on your earlier works.
- SN: After some thought, I decided not to critique the Malefactor quest (or at least include it in this particular thread), as I don’t think it pays to double-judge things.
Second SN: The title of this thread happened just because I thought it sounded cool at the time. -
The End of a Beginning: The Beginning of an End
Well, I’ll just start out to say that I thought this was one hell of a debut. From the first sentence I felt myself inclining toward the screen, searching for whatever inklings you decided to scatter. In this kind of dark, ominous painted tone, a descriptive hold took place, where the reader (that’s me,) felt the distinction between imagery and depth. With skill you wielded each, and it complemented the effect on the reader very well.
The introduction transcended the screen for me (in a good way), because there was some information woven in there. It is valuable to know what the author is thinking about as he writes, and in a few short sentences you summarized Retane’s Namekian heritage for those who haven’t seen DBZ. I also liked how you included all his titles, because, that just shows how much killer experience the character has, and perhaps implies that Retane has gotten around to kicking some ass.
So far, as Retane speaks to the jackal, I liked the use of dialogue, and the impact it has sets an idea the reader might get when forming an opinion on his character. We don’t immediately know who Retane is (sensibly, of course) and nor is it any fun to blatantly define his character in a few narrating words. You let the reader figure him out, and it has a profound effect on the strength of his personality. It is storytelling done at its finest. (Example quote so you know the context I refer: “I send them to their grave, cursed to not know the name that put them in the afterlife.")
I felt the action was paced well, and there was plenty of gradual suspense layering the motion of where the scene was going.
I like how, looking back now that you have the Malefactor, it kind of ties into what the jackal did to Retane at the beginning, the induced amnesia which explained how Retane was able to remember some things, but loose other fragments of his memory and thought. The fact that jackal is also wiping the people’s memories who Retane has met and impacted is devastating, and Retane will not even know who to ‘blame’ as well as be able to find himself eventually. This has purpose, quite obviously, and really gives Retane the opportunity to start anew.
The consequence of finality was displayed when Retane remembered the names and faces of those he had grown with, there was a mix of elements that blended rather well, and were sensible to his character and who he was once before and what he had overcome. The memories were similar to those that I imagine one would recall at death, his triumphs, prized moments, thrilling battles (DA!!), relationships made, and those who had been lost.
The way you had described Retane’s respect for the fallen was quite honorable, and really cool for me to find out that he was like that. It also reinforced the bond I felt you had with Tapion, though I don’t know much about it.
The recounted memories were quite powerful, Retane recalled life and death and yet there was no hesitation in his judgement. “God of Death” certainly was brought to new meaning as life was taken away from his enemies and betrayal was brought to his brothers (Raspberry).
The scenes were realistically balled into a jumble, and I felt like each one was revealed at a periodic point where it was actually relevant to the “final” growth of Retane’s character. Gromp’s mention at the end and how this part was lead up toward the end was skillfully placed.
SUDDENLY he landed in the Nexus, and fate begins to fall on Retane’s shoulders. And much depth was conveyed by the loss of his past.
Familiar faces and lost memories are shown well from Retane’s perspective as he is trying to sort it all out. For the reader, there are a few mysteries as to who Enroshia is, though there were subtle mentions of it, I wasn’t on chubbs so some of the context of their characters is hard for me to follow, but, there isn’t much that can be done about that.
Anyway, Arith is quite amusing, and Retane’s reaction to his ghostly association (“Boo”) came off to me as a strong “I am not amused.” Which was a strong (and funny) ending to the first thread.
Gouki’s First Coming
Gouki’s style is really cool. He’s a distinguished character and leaves a resounding imprint on one’s mind. He also brings out the best in you, as all good writing partners should. He’s also quite lively!
Why doesn’t it surprise me you are fighting Gouki?
Gouki v Retane clash was pretty epic, he described his movements very thoroughly which I appreciated when trying to imagine his hand to hand combat motions. The description (in depth) contrasted your (Retane’s) fluid action. And he was just warming up.
I like how Retane’s recap and Enroshia, as well as his new amnesia and vulnerability are taken into account during the battle. The death was pretty epic, done with great purpose from Retane’s POV because of what has happened and continues to cause him to suffer and Gouki (with superb finesse) created a cool post around this as well, with Ret’s death the main feature.
Past Revealed.... The First Horsemen
Revival and a crisis of the self. This thread starts off with some good information as well as dictation and interaction that Retane almost needs. The past is revisited with careful practice from Enroshia and with a recap that gives a backround to both the readers AND Retane.
It was a pretty cool concept for Enroshia to make an appearance and in dialogue tell Retane of his past. The storytelling in this alone was really nicely done, though Retane’s reaction seemed to be more absorbing the truth than realizing the
Ha
That happened.
There were a few grammar flaws in your older work, but you’ve been doing quite well with keeping up on it, as well as in your latest battle with Renji, which have been spellchecked for accuracy and flow.
Overall, I think you are a great storyteller and I like your use of dialogue. Keep it up.
- SN: After some thought, I decided not to critique the Malefactor quest (or at least include it in this particular thread), as I don’t think it pays to double-judge things.
Second SN: The title of this thread happened just because I thought it sounded cool at the time. -
The End of a Beginning: The Beginning of an End
Well, I’ll just start out to say that I thought this was one hell of a debut. From the first sentence I felt myself inclining toward the screen, searching for whatever inklings you decided to scatter. In this kind of dark, ominous painted tone, a descriptive hold took place, where the reader (that’s me,) felt the distinction between imagery and depth. With skill you wielded each, and it complemented the effect on the reader very well.
The introduction transcended the screen for me (in a good way), because there was some information woven in there. It is valuable to know what the author is thinking about as he writes, and in a few short sentences you summarized Retane’s Namekian heritage for those who haven’t seen DBZ. I also liked how you included all his titles, because, that just shows how much killer experience the character has, and perhaps implies that Retane has gotten around to kicking some ass.
So far, as Retane speaks to the jackal, I liked the use of dialogue, and the impact it has sets an idea the reader might get when forming an opinion on his character. We don’t immediately know who Retane is (sensibly, of course) and nor is it any fun to blatantly define his character in a few narrating words. You let the reader figure him out, and it has a profound effect on the strength of his personality. It is storytelling done at its finest. (Example quote so you know the context I refer: “I send them to their grave, cursed to not know the name that put them in the afterlife.")
I felt the action was paced well, and there was plenty of gradual suspense layering the motion of where the scene was going.
I like how, looking back now that you have the Malefactor, it kind of ties into what the jackal did to Retane at the beginning, the induced amnesia which explained how Retane was able to remember some things, but loose other fragments of his memory and thought. The fact that jackal is also wiping the people’s memories who Retane has met and impacted is devastating, and Retane will not even know who to ‘blame’ as well as be able to find himself eventually. This has purpose, quite obviously, and really gives Retane the opportunity to start anew.
The consequence of finality was displayed when Retane remembered the names and faces of those he had grown with, there was a mix of elements that blended rather well, and were sensible to his character and who he was once before and what he had overcome. The memories were similar to those that I imagine one would recall at death, his triumphs, prized moments, thrilling battles (DA!!), relationships made, and those who had been lost.
The way you had described Retane’s respect for the fallen was quite honorable, and really cool for me to find out that he was like that. It also reinforced the bond I felt you had with Tapion, though I don’t know much about it.
The recounted memories were quite powerful, Retane recalled life and death and yet there was no hesitation in his judgement. “God of Death” certainly was brought to new meaning as life was taken away from his enemies and betrayal was brought to his brothers (Raspberry).
The scenes were realistically balled into a jumble, and I felt like each one was revealed at a periodic point where it was actually relevant to the “final” growth of Retane’s character. Gromp’s mention at the end and how this part was lead up toward the end was skillfully placed.
SUDDENLY he landed in the Nexus, and fate begins to fall on Retane’s shoulders. And much depth was conveyed by the loss of his past.
Familiar faces and lost memories are shown well from Retane’s perspective as he is trying to sort it all out. For the reader, there are a few mysteries as to who Enroshia is, though there were subtle mentions of it, I wasn’t on chubbs so some of the context of their characters is hard for me to follow, but, there isn’t much that can be done about that.
Anyway, Arith is quite amusing, and Retane’s reaction to his ghostly association (“Boo”) came off to me as a strong “I am not amused.” Which was a strong (and funny) ending to the first thread.
Gouki’s First Coming
Gouki’s style is really cool. He’s a distinguished character and leaves a resounding imprint on one’s mind. He also brings out the best in you, as all good writing partners should. He’s also quite lively!
Why doesn’t it surprise me you are fighting Gouki?
Gouki v Retane clash was pretty epic, he described his movements very thoroughly which I appreciated when trying to imagine his hand to hand combat motions. The description (in depth) contrasted your (Retane’s) fluid action. And he was just warming up.
I like how Retane’s recap and Enroshia, as well as his new amnesia and vulnerability are taken into account during the battle. The death was pretty epic, done with great purpose from Retane’s POV because of what has happened and continues to cause him to suffer and Gouki (with superb finesse) created a cool post around this as well, with Ret’s death the main feature.
Past Revealed.... The First Horsemen
Revival and a crisis of the self. This thread starts off with some good information as well as dictation and interaction that Retane almost needs. The past is revisited with careful practice from Enroshia and with a recap that gives a backround to both the readers AND Retane.
It was a pretty cool concept for Enroshia to make an appearance and in dialogue tell Retane of his past. The storytelling in this alone was really nicely done, though Retane’s reaction seemed to be more absorbing the truth than realizing the
Ha
Quote: “Stay away from Dante’s Abyss.”
That happened.
There were a few grammar flaws in your older work, but you’ve been doing quite well with keeping up on it, as well as in your latest battle with Renji, which have been spellchecked for accuracy and flow.
Overall, I think you are a great storyteller and I like your use of dialogue. Keep it up.
![[Image: mqdefault.jpg]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yEac52Ck_1A/mqdefault.jpg)
![[Image: hchh.png]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v230/Enroshia/hchh.png)