Omni Anxiety

[Bandit With No Name]

Yo so between the time I left about 2 years ago and now I've managed to identify something about myself that was a huge contributing factor to my leaving and the actions that surrounded my departure.

I absolutely was having HUGE amounts of anxiety. I was irritable, frantic, my thoughts raced, and felt like I was just holding on with a white knuckle grip.

I've realized that I've been having anxiety attacks like, most of my life. They generally express as high aggression and volatility, but also spiraling thoughts, and when shit got real real bad and under the right conditions I would totally shut down and have catatonic anxiety attacks where I would stop moving completely and just stare for long periods of time.

I was absolutely having an anxiety attack pretty much the entire time surrounding my departure. I fucking lost my shit. Every little thing felt like an attack, and I lashed out socially and through my actions on the site. Like, it's not an excuse, but it's what happened.

The reason I bring this up is because now that I know how to identify my anxiety, I'm noticing that being in competition again I'm feeling it pretty much ALL THE TIME. I'm not terribly worried about my fights, not really. I don't mind if I win or lose, I'm here to have fun.

And it IS FUN!! It's been fun. I love being back on the site, talking to people, interacting, and even really enjoying the competition itself! It's all really positive shit. And yet, despite all that, there's this low level of anxiety, edging in all the goddamn time.

I have learned a ton of coping mechanisms, I've learned how to handle my feelings in positive healthy ways. I know how to deroll now. But it still stacks up.

The reason I bring this up isn't for like, sympathy or anything like that. I have real world resources for that.

Instead, I just kinda want to point out that I notice a lot of the symptoms that I feel in others, especially in those that are competing in this year's DA, and I see it reflected in some of the behaviors of people in the past.

Beings that we're a community, and we're largely all friends (out at least trying to be), I just wanted to create a space to like, support each other and be chill. Especially the co competitors.

Competition can bring out some nasty gross stuff in all of us, and I just want you dudes to know I wanna help ya out and that I'm not here to be a dick about numbers or writing. We're here to have fun, and y'all my friends.

[Jak Mar]

Thanks, That means a lot. Just having a place to chill and talk among friends and (competitors) is nice.

[Ezrihel]

It shows a lot that you're able to recognize and identify symptoms in yourself and in others. I know we didn't really talk much, or at all before you left, but I certainly knew about you. You've grown a lot, and in very good ways from what I can tell. Thank you for wanting to foster a super chill/laid back atmosphere on the site ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[Bandit With No Name]

It's super frustrating because I worked really really hard on being a good community member in the past, and I think I did a good job of it. After two and a half months of competition, I snapped... Like once. And that's enough, you know? That's enough to fuck yourself and the relationship you've built with people.

[Bandit With No Name]

It's just... Important? To help people when they're in a moment of difficulty (or a long span of it) and try to help reign people back in when they're spiraling.

[Trixie]

EDIT: Nevermind.