Frozen Fool

[Gamzee Makara]

Gaaaaah what a motherfucking day, dude. I'm all freezy and worn out and shit. That death show thing was stressful as fuck. Almost bit it. Again. But alaaaaatsh, that blissful sun is sitting hiiiiiigh up in the sky, sharin' its warmth with the world. Feels good man, out here in the Frozen Fields. I summoned up a wicked looking hoodie with some soft fur lining the insides. A whimsical swirly purple smoke design covers the back and chest, and I swapped up my ripped jeans for some old school polka dot pj's.

I'm cozy as fuck, bro.

I'm just chillin, checking out some stuff on the dataverse. Waiting for Straaaawwwwso. Lil angry dude sure does take his motherfuckin' time. Hope Karkat doesn't mind though. Have they met? I don't think them dudes have met. Hm... yeah that is gonna be one interestin' thing that happens. Worried that maybe KK has been a wee bit lonely off in Jade's tower, like some kinda Rapunzel and shit. Don't even know how long he's been up there, ain't no telling where this human girl went off to and how long ago. Just downright ignoring the responsibility of taking care of a Karkat. I don't think she's all up and ready for that responsibilitay. 

"Gamzee!"

Whazzat?

"Whuzzat?"

"Quit daydreaming. Let's get a move on, your friend is waiting for you right?"

"Ahaha! Whazzap, buddy bro of mine? How ya feeling? Did you die? You dead? Are you dead!? Oh. My. God. You're dead ain't cha? You a ghost? You like my motherfucking spirit animal or some shi-"

"Gamzee," my best human friendo says with a wry smile and a shake of the head, "I'm not dead, dumbass. I'm right here. Very physical, very alive. And nah, those fuckers never caught me after they singled you out. What about you? You aight? Not dead?"

"Nah, brother," I snicker, returning his smile with a cheeky grin of my own, "I got some tricks up my sleeve. Did get my ass beat though."

"Shame on you," he scowls.

"Ah ah ah! You didn't let me finish. Got my ass beat right after I beat his ass! Well, sorta. I dunno man, I don't remember much of that fight. Lots of white. Lots of shocks to the brain. Wasn't very motherfuckin' chill at all."

"Well, as long as you fucked him up as much as he fucked you up, I'm proud."

"Yeah," I yawn sheepishly, "I still want a rematch though. One where we're both fresh and frolickin' know what I'm saying? Motherfucker was kind of a bummer." Strazio nods. I take that as approvaliciousness. Oh! I almost forgot.

"Yo, Straz," I start, reaching into my beautifully bottomless pockets. "had some time while I was waiting on ya, made you some sick new threads. Figured you'd want something that wasn't all torn to shreddles and bloody. Plus, pretty fucking cold out here. You's gonna want this."

I toss him an old school bomber jacket made of a dark brown leather. The inside is coated in a white wool, should be hella comfy out here in the frost. He catches it with an appraising look before slipping it on.

"Fucking righteous..." He says. I give him a hopeful look.

"Saaaayyyyy iiiiiiit," I say with a wink.

He shakes his head for about the fifth time in the past two minutes and gives in with a sigh. "...Bro."

Fuck yeah. Now we're on the motherfuckin' move.

[Strazio Rockwell]

The two trudged through the snow at a decent clip. Asides from the occasional gust of chilling wind the weather was fairly hospitable. The leather jacket that Gamzee had summoned kept the white-haired prime relatively warm. In the back of his head every step of the Abyss played out on repeat. It festered in his mouth and left the bitter taste of disappointment. The troll seemed unaffected by the entire excursion, still as aloof and happy-go-lucky as ever. After they were brought to the post-show facility Strazio had spent a few minutes mulling over the various fights of the competition, but he had been unable to watch the one that had interested him most. Though the official records stated that Enel had eliminated Gamzee they had no footage of the actual fight. Whatever that lightning bastard had used to trap Gamzee blocked the vision of even the high-tech cameras placed throughout the island.

"So," Strazio said, breaking the silence, "when we were ambushed, what, what happened?"

Gamzee thought for a moment and answered, "whole thing's kinda hazy you know? Motherfucker was chuckin' lightning bolts around like they grew on trees, think he might've fried my motherfuckin' thinkpan, but one second me and you was talkin' and walkin' like the buds we are and then next thing I know, boom, big flash you're gone and I'm left with sparkbro in some kinna wannabe Nexus, dude was an ass, Straz, but I mean if he was more vibey and less self consumin', he might not be so bad, but he was just a believer in his own self, you feel me?"

"Not... no, not really."

"Dude thought he was a god Straz, like a real motherfuckin deity, like someone worth worshiping and prostrating yourself for, he shizlocked me and beat the shit outta me, and I killed him and can you motherfuckin' guess what happened?"

Strazio shook his head.

"Dude literally jumpstarted his own heart into ticking, literally lightning-fucked his heart into working, never seen anything like that before, and then I gotted gone because of a drop I had up my sleeve, I ended up losing, but I kept my think sponge from getting too lit, long story short, dude was not chill at all, he had a wicked ego, can't stand when motherfuckers think so highly of themselves." Gamzee said.

Strazio responded, "yeah, I feel you."

"I want a rematch, when we're fresh, no underhanded competition bullshit," Gamzee said after a pause.

"Me too buddy, me too." Strazio answered.

They continued forward, deeper into the heart of the Frozen Hills. By this point the wind had begun to pick up, whipping flakes of snow and ice at the two adventurers. Strazio pulled up the jacket's hood and bent over to shield himself from the flurry.

"Hey, listen," Strazio said, raising his voice over the wind, "sorry for bailing on you, y'know, on the island."

Gamzee laughed, "no worries brohan, we were both pretty banged up, there was no way we would've survived that fight without running."

"Yeah," Strazio opened his mouth to speak, but was interupted.

FWOOOOOOOOOOO

A horrible sound carved through the snow and slammed against their ears. A world-shaking bellowing that came from no mortal creature. Strazio clutched at his ears as the awful sound reverberated through his head and rattled his brains. Once again the mysterious tuba-like call rang across the frozen wasteland. Strazio turned towards the direction the sound was coming from and spotted a lone figure on the horizon. He grabbed Gamzee's arm and pointed at the approaching silhouette. The two veered off course and made their way to the source of the terrible noise. Every now and again the being would emit that eardrum-rupturing sound and the two would have to pause to catch their breath. It was an almost physical wall of sound that battered them as much as the wicked flurries. As they approached the figure turned to meet them.

He was a towering giant of a man, easily standing over six feet tall. He wore no shirt and instead had a portrait of blue tattoos covering his chiseled body. The most magnificent mustache/beard combo that the two had ever laid eyes on made its home on the man's square jawline. And were it not for the giant's baby blue eyes he would have seemed quite intimidating, but those pools of childlike innocence could melt even the most rugged heart. Across his back was a rucksack, laden with not only the necessities for survival, but also several strange and foreign instruments. In his hand was a long clarinet-shaped horn, made out of wood and emblazoned with several pictograms. Upon noticing the two he smiled, took a deep breath, and blew with all of his might into the horn.

FWOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Stop! Goddamnit STOP!" Strazio screamed, but his words were torn apart by the stranger's instrument.

As the sound died down the man flexed his biceps and shouted, "greetings travelers, Renzo the Magnificent is please to make your acquaintance, please feel free to take any pictures you'd like, Renzo the Great is not afraid of the camera!"

Strazio looked to Gamzee for confirmation that he was indeed seeing this shit. The white-haired prime growled and stepped towards the mountain of a man.

"Just who the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing blowing my goddamned eardrums open?" the Avatar of Rage demanded.

"Why my friend, as Renzo has stated previously he is Renzo the Great, friend to all and enemy to evil!" the man's voice only had one volume and it was fucking loud.

Gamzee giggled, but stopped when Straz shot him a nasty look. Around them the wind had died down and they were left with a fresh coat of powdery snow. It was still ten degrees below ice cold, and even though Renzo wore no shirt he showed no signs of hypothermia. In fact the towering man radiated heat, his body turning any errant snowflake into steam.

"Okay, fuck," Strazio said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "then what the fuck is that thing in your hand, some kind of sound-based weapon?"

Renzo laughed the kind of deep-chested chortle you'd associate with a lumberjack.

"No my friend, this is Renzo's vuvuzela, passed down the family line for generations," he said and raised the instrument to his lips.

Strazio's eyes went wide and he acted. His hand rose in one solid movement and he fired a burst of magick. The white-hot flash of destruction shattered the instruments. Splinters of shattered wood buried themselves into the fresh powder. Strazio breathed a sigh of relief. Renzo gasped as he held up the splintered remnants of his heirloom.

"Renzo's vuvuzela!" he exclaimed, "you've destroyed my pride and joy! Now you've done it you rapscallion, you've tussled with the muscle!"

To punctuated his point he brought up both his arms and flexed his massive biceps. Gamzee was half-dead with laughter by this point. Strazio raised an eyebrow and took a step back.

"You better step back motherfucker or you're vuvu-whatever the fuck isn't going to be-" he began to say, but was interrupted.

"Nobody tussles with Renzo's muscles!"

With that the man threw aside his rucksack and full-body tackled Strazio. The Defender of Darkshire was sent tumbling into the snow. Everything happened faster than his brain could process and before he could react Renzo had locked in a full-Nelson.

"Gamzee you bastard," Strazio shouted, "help me!"

[Gamzee Makara]

I was a little preoccupied with the majestic beatitude of this muscley muscle dude's vudushula or whatever the motherfuck it was called. It was such a harmonial, righteous sound, I couldn't help but be captivated. The honks this thing gave off were even mightier than mine own bicycle horns, which was some kinda accomplishment, if'n I do say so myself. And I'll be damned if this wasn't the dudeliest guy I have ever laid eyes on. This man was gleeful and loud and rasporous, whatever the fuck that word means. Seemed like a chill guy, despite the decibel's the dude was giving off.

And then, Straz had to go and blow up his beloved vutuscula like, why the fuck would you do such a thing? "I dunno Straz," I sigh with a bummed look on my face. "You really shouldn't have rustled his muscles."

"gAMZEE I SWEAR TO FUCKING-"

I giggle uncontrollably at mah bro, a bro that was currently getting his muscles tussled. Renzo, for his credit, was wearing a sour expression, his face turning cherry red despite the chilly as fuck weather. Despite that, he didn't seem... yaknow. Pissed off or mean or anything. Just super sad and like he lost his luster and bluster without his pristine honk machine. Which gives me an idea!

I get to work quickly, focusing all mah sick omniverse magicks into pulling something down right bee-yootiful into existences. It was kinda hard at first, what with Strawso shoutin' at me from behind the steel bars of Renzo's muskles. It took like five minutes tops, but by the time I was done, I had created a full length vuhuthela, almost identical to Renzo's old one! I even added a cute lil totem carving of me, straz, and Renzo on the end of it, holding hands and wearing nothing but sweet smiles. I mean, I ain't no artist. They just stick figures with lil music notes and such dancing around them, but hopefully it'll be enough to mutify any hostilities!

"Ey! Renzbro!" I shout, holding the beautiful wooden instrument of honkitude high in the air for him to see.

"Eh?" He releases Strazio from buff boi prison, who flip flops face first into the powdery snowstuffs. The honk maester walks up to me and I kneel, presenting the sacred instrument in a reverent manner. His look softens to one of awe, respect, and gratitude. He carefully takes his restored heirloom, tears forming in his eyes.

"You...made this for Renzo?" he sniffles. Straz pushes himself up from the snow, murder in his eyes, but I shoot that shit down quick. This ain't no time for violence.

"Yeah, my dude. Consider it a peace pipe." Heheh. Puns. Double Entendres. Whatever they're called. The buff bro raises the instrument to his lips. Straz sees this motion just in time to dive for cover, clamping his hands to his ears and shoving his face back into the snow like a mufucking Ostrich Bird Beast. The honk that comes out of my new bro's uvevuda is a beautiful, mirthful sound. Renzo's laugh is a deep, hearty, and baritone, his joy spreadin' across this frozen land like a curtain of warm vibrations.

[Strazio Rockwell]

As the thunderous noise died down Strazio uncovered his ears. The rapturous cacophony of Renzo’s newly acquired vuvuzela was downright biblical compared to his previous instrument. Even the snow seemed to absorb the unyielding vibrations of his pipe, taking on vibrations and resonating with the energetic call. Strazio scowled. His fingertips crackled with energy, spurned on by the thought of having to endure more sound-based torture. In his tempestuous pouting the mage did not notice Renzo’s approach until it was too late. The goliath wrapped one python around Strazio and pulled him close.

“My word, that was quite an invigorating donnybrook,” Renzo boomed, “you may not look like it, but you’ve got some respectable muscle, consider Renzo impressed.”

Strazio tried to buck the man’s grip, but his strength rivaled even that of The Rock’s. His sonorous voice resonated deep with Strazio’s bones, sending a strange wave of comfort through the mage’s body. Still Strazio struggled against his captor’s firm, yet gentle embrace.

“Now what brings you fine gentleman this from civilization?” Renzo asked.

Before Strazio could speak Gamzee spoke for him, “we’re heading to pick up a friend, poor guy is probably lonely without my shenanigans.”

“Ah, friendship, a noble pursuit,” Renzo responded, “fear not, Renzo the Great will accompany you across this frigid landscape!”

Strazio’s eyes went wide and he thrashed against Renzo’s grip, “no, no, no, we’ll be fine without you.”

“But my friend, it is the least Renzo the Magnanimous can do, after all this fine fellow restored Renzo’s ancestral vuvuzela,” Renzo said.

Gamzee answered for them both, “yes, to the motherfuckin’ yes, come with us buff bud and we’ll have all kinds of jolly times.”

“It is settled then” The goliath declared, “we three compatriots shall brave this blustering cold and forge a path to friendship, so sayeth Renzo the Great!”

To punctuate this Renzo reached into his rucksack and retrieved what appeared to be a golden dish of some sort. The dish was about the same diameter of a basketball and covered in ornate pictograms, much like the vuvuzela. Attached to one edge was a length of golden chain that Renzo held to suspend the dish in midair. Looped through two handles on its backside was a long wooden rod, with a rubber bumper on the end. The mighty man grabbed the rod and with a bit of flair he smacked the rubber end against the gong. The resulting sound echoed for miles, and were they atop a mountain, Strazio was certain it would have triggered an avalanche.

“Tally forth!” Renzo shouted and charged forward.

Gamzee and Straz shared a look of incredulous disbelief before following after the man.

“You have no idea where you’re going,” Strazio shouted after him.

“Fret not companion, Renzo’s glorious muscles shall guide us,” Renzo shouted, “they never lead Renzo astray!”

[Gamzee Makara]

This guy is fucking wild, man. Didn't say anything about the tower, didn't say anything about what direction it might lie in wait for us. But you know motherfucking what? This guy found it. His muscles are genuinely genius, and somehow create a functioning compass. Want some miracles? That, my dudes, is a fucking miracle. The whole while Renzo was leading us through the icey iceland, he was humming, dancing, skipping, and occasionally blowing on his sick horn. I even joined in, honking my lil' horns and clapping and carrying on. Strawso didn't really appreciate the cacophony, but dude has to learn to lighten up juuuust a little bit, ya feel?

"This is the structure, ja? The destination?" Renzo asks. I nod reeeeaaaal fast. I'm ready to get inside and reunite with mah best bro evar.

So we walk up to this Jade girl's tower, and I bang bang on the door a couple times. I ain't really sure how else to go about this. Was there a doorbell? Probably. Did I know how to use it? no, no I do not, sir or madame.

To my dee-light, a hear a LOTTA cursin' and swearing and bad words. You know, the type of shit ya wouldn't want your little ones hearing. This tirade of fucks, shits, damns, and the like was followed by stomping, some mechanical noise, and a rather gentlemanly and classy robotic voice. The door swings open. There he is. Beauty. Grace. Karkat Vantas.

"Hey Gamzee, you fucking clown. And uh..." Karkles takes a moment to stare vicariously at my righteous companions. "company. I'm happy you aren't dead. Or did you-"

I cut off my best bud with a biiiiiiig ol' hug, lifting his short lil' self off the ground. This friendly furrough results in a "GAH FUCK!" and yet another string of subsequent unpleasant words but it don't even matter bro! I've been reunited with ol' Karkat, the Cancer of my life!

"Friendship! Have you never seen a more beautious thing, my friend?" Renzo chuckles heartily, elbowing Straz in his grumpy gills. Strazio has a weird look on his face, as if he was trying to puzzle out a puzzle.

"Oh oh oh right! I been making all kinds of friends, dude! Like motherfuckers just down with the clown you feel me?"

"No, I really really don't, Gamzee."

"Right! Well this is Renzoooo," I say. Renzo says hello, friendly guy that he is. Karkat halfheartedly waves in his general direction, Karkat that he is.

"And this is Strazio! He's teaching me how to do maaaaagicks. It's like those miracles I always told you about, remember?"

"Yeah. You never shut up about them. And to this day I have yet to see one, other than maybe our friendship."

"D'aaaaw I feel the same way, buddy!" I say cheerfully back to him. What a nice guy, this Karkat.

"Ain't this the guy that almost killed you a while back? In that coliseum thing?" He asks with a wary stare.

"Maybe baby," I chaunte with a wink.

He groans, rolling his eyes and leads us all in the human dwelling with a wave of the arm. He mutters something about how I could make friends with a rock while he leads our merry band to the den-ish area. He's right, I totes could. Rocks are pretty chill. They rock. An older human dude made of metal and shit lumbers out of the shadows.

"This is Jade's dead robotic Grandpa. Don't mind him, he's dead. And a robot," says KK.

"Welcome, gentleman. Please take care not to track dirt or snow into the living room," the automaton chirps.

So this is how that night was spent, madafucka. Grandpabotdude made the fireplace litter than my poetry, Kar and I catch up, Renzo tells some stories from the icelands, and all the more things of all the everything that could have been talked about was talked about. Straz and Karkat get acquantiminated far better than I could have hoped.

"So you're Karkat?" my bro asks with a tilt of the head.

"No, I'm Omni, nice to fucking meetcha," my other bro spits.

"Hey fuck you!" Straz cuts him off with a scowl.

"No, fuck you!" Kar says, not missing a beat.

They glare at each other, and errbody else is hella quiet. You could like, make a quiet cake with how quiet it is in there, man. Suddenly, the two sourpusses start busting a gut, and acknowledge each other as equals im assumin'. I mean what else can you assume from that display, amirite?

Straz is on his phone, staring intently at something he's found on the dataverse during a lapse in conversation.

"What'd you find, Strawso?" I badger him after studying his expressions for a bit. He doesn't even look up from his phone, though, just mutters something almost to himself.

"Something odd."

------------

Grandpabot chortles and chuckles and shit, waving us on. Straz seemed a little antsy to get gone, so we wasted no time gathering ourselves and getting gone.

"Master Renzo and I shall take care of the tower while you're gone adventuring and what have you! That teleporter shall take you directly to Camelot. From there, Ambrosia should be a straight shot!" The botbot says.

"Ja, ja, I will guard the place with my life, my newfound friends!" Renzo proceeds to shout something that sounded vaguely like, 'Alfredosauce!' And that was that. We hoped Jade wouldn't mind a random buff stranger just, you know, chilling. In her house. And shit. Riiiiight well that's a problem for laters.

Karkat, Straz and I wave our homies g'bye, and step into the teleportematethingy. Not sure where we're going, but I'd follow these dudes into the abyss.