A Very Omniverse Christmas

[Tearen Wover]

Ya'lls Primes and shit walk into a very austere office room, replete with dirt-brown carpeting, spinny wheel chairs and large panel windows covered with venetian blinds in need of a good dusting. Scant Christmas decorations festoon the doorway and part of the whiteboard at the front of the meeting room, and a small stand of punch and store-bought Christmas cookies sits at the rear end of the small enclave. The distant smell of cigarettes and febreeze fills the air as the local radio morning circus plays the usual holiday ear-fuckers, intermittently interrupted by two half-drunk buffoons armed with a twitter feed and a sound effects button.

It is sad.

BUT THERE ARE GIFTS, addressed to all of the demigods and blood warriors gathered in this post-modern testament to efficiency and eye strain. I've PM'd all of the chosen gifts to their proper recipients, so feel free to socialize, open the gifts, and otherwise shitpost IC until you get bored. I'm washing my hands of this.


MERRY NEW CHRISTYEARMAS ITS JANUARY SEVENTTHHHHHHHH

[Erik Vrell]

Erik walked into the office building with the rest of the group, his face immediately screwing up as the scents of tobacco and cheap air freshener assailed his nostrils. The group of primes made their way into the room which would serve as the centre of their festivities. Erik made his way past the unstable looking table holding the store bought refreshments and to the plastic Christmas tree in the corner of the room. The primes searched through the piles of gifts, each one taking their own to unwrap. Erik found his gift and looked it over sceptically. It was a cyclinder, less than a foot in length with nothing unusual to be seen. It was wrapped in blue paper, and had ‘For Erik’ written on it in black pen. 

Erik moved into a corner out of the way of everyone else to open his gift. He peeled off the blue paper and pulled out a silver can. It had a bright yellow label on it reading ‘Go loony!’ The psychic raised an eyebrow at the can. Was the label referring to his patron? If so, what was in the can? Nervously, Erik grabbed the tab at the top of the can and opened it. The psychic jumped a little as a plastic worm violently shot out the can and declared “Just go craazy!” Everyone turned to see what the noise was for a moment, before going back to their gifts. Still surprised and a little embarrassed, Erik placed the can on a nearby desk. He took a seat next to the refreshments table, and poured himself a drink of the cheap punch. Erik had to admit that he could see the funny side of the gift, even if it was only once.

[Gaston]

Gaston walked into the party, sniffing the air. 

"Not very well set up. This better be worth it..." He immediately went for the presents, picking up the one marked with his name, a deep black box. He grabbed it firmly and took it to a chair, sitting with a heave. He tore open the box quickly, pulling out a long black fabric. "It's... a cloak?!" He looked at it more closely. That was indeed it, a dark cloak with splotches of dark grey. "It's barely anything! Why, this would cost barely one bear skin!" He began inspecting it closer. It was well made, despite its apparent thoughtlessness. And was produced of a comfortable fabric. With some reluctance, Gaston put it on as he went to the refreshments table. He grabbed a cookie-(well, several cookies)-and a small cup of punch then went back and sat down. 

Sorry to whoever gave the gift, it's not anything meant to offend you. Gaston is just a dick

[Marcus Wright]

And in that exact moment, that other terminator that acted like a human walked in. Marcus looked over at the other patrons or so, seeing nobody he knew. He eyed his gift, a bow tied to it with a red ribbon. It was a grenade, one without the pin pulled. Marcus grinned, well it would be useful for some blowing up stuff over time.

He grabbed a cookie and sat down, eying the inactive gernade.

[Amaterasu]

The first thing that struck Amaterasu when she stepped through the door was the smell. Years, maybe decades, of cigarette smoking in this confined space had seeped into the carpets and saturated them like a sponge soaking up water. If only someone had thought of opening the windows, but apparently whoever used this room wasn't as fresh-air-addicted as she was. At least there was the occasional waft of nice smells the cookies and alcohol sitting on the table in the far back.
The next thing that she noticed were the colors. She knew that the westerners weren't all that known for prettying up their workplace, but what was this depressive room? Whoever had decided on the colors of the walls, ground and furniture must have done this the day after their pet cat died or something.

Then, the people. Only a small handful, all men, were around, seemingly enjoying themselves despite the room's gloomy appearance. That put a smile on her face again. Covering her nose with her sleeve, she walked to the pile of boxes that she understood as being presents and checked around for one with her name on it. Then a second time for one with her name on it not written in kanji. It wasn't long before she found it, slightly hidden under some other presents. A box wrapped in paper with cute yellow ducks on it, with a blue background. Nice! She also caught sight of her own present, still on the pile waiting to be claimed. Good... she was looking forward to seeing how the lucky recipient would react. With a happy smile on her face she skipped towards the table where the nice smells were coming from, squeezing her way past two westerners, and grabbed one of the cookies. Then she sat on the ground near that table, legs crossed and facing into the room to get a good view of the pile of presents and the people going in and out. And finally, she set about actually opening her present.

The paper was quickly removed, though she kept the cute bow on top for later. Inside was a box, and when she pulled the lid off she was met with a bright yellow stuffed animal. She reached in and her thumb pressed on its stomach as she did, which was met with a prompt response. "QUAAAACK!"

That could be heard across the whole room. Amaterasu blushed but laughed as she held the toy in her hands and turned it back and forth. This certainly was cuter than the Bunraku puppets. She liked it already.

[The Emperor of Mankind]

The emperor found his gift and went into a corner to open it. After a few minutes of attempting it, he opened the brown wrapping to find a VHS tape, a CD and a book called 20 haikus for christams (or any other day of the year, it was written by two people called Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian although Danny was taking most of the credit with a red marker message saying BUT MOSTLY DANNY. He opened it and saw the list of haikus.

Pg.1- Intro
Pg.2-Opening Your Lover's Eyes to New Possibilities
Pg.3-I Know Kung Fu. Not Really.
Pg.4-Staying Over At Your Girlfriend's House
Pg.5-Questionable Holiday
Pg.6-There's A Chance That I've Been Stood Up For New Year's Eve
Pg.7-Spring Break Experimentation
Pg.8-Magical Intervention
Pg.9-Thoughtful Debate
Pg.10-Mourning The Loss Of A Pet
Pg.11-Congrats On Your Move To New York City
Pg.12-Appreciating Romance & Nature
Pg.13-Learning About Your Partner's Interests
Pg.14-Writing A Beautiful Romance Novel
Pg.15-Phone A Friend
Pg.16-Being Too Honest With Your Holiday House Guests
Pg.17-Paying Attention To The Words Of Friends In Need
Pg.18-Finding Your Place In The World
Pg.19-Frustration With Technology
Pg.20-Dealing With A Freaky Partner
Pg.21-False Accusations

The next page had a message saying that the emperor had gotten the first copy of all the haikus in written form and that he should be special. He was not feeling special. He looked at the front of the CD, it had the words ninja sex party and NSFW in red text and on the back was the list of songs. The Emperor looked around, he saw a VHS player and a CD player but decided to not play either of the items in them. There was a bloodied note still in the paper that was crumpbled into a ball. He opened it up and saw a poem, it read;

Your blood is Red.
This is not a haiku.
But Danny is dead,
And soon you will be too.

He looked around, there was no one who looked like they were out to kill the emperor so he went outside to draw out his attacker and to dispose of his....

Bad Desman, BAD