Advent Thunder Fight OOC

[Asriel Dreemurr]

All right, I've never been part of a fight before in the Omniverse but it's finally happening.

I would like to go for the normal rules. 800 word limit. 3 rounds. 48 hour time limit. Random elements and damage meter.

[13-Jzall]

one question before we start; is it 800 per post or in total

[13-Jzall]

Also will it be in a different thread

[Asriel Dreemurr]

800 per post and it will be in the same thread.

Also, to everyone in Advent Thunder, will there be teams or will it be everyone for themselves? As well as that question, I need a judge.

[Shu]

I...was not expecting a fight so soon. Plus, Alexander hasn't gotten a post in for the last 3 days so I'm sure he'd like to at least get a word in edge wise.

I understand you guys are super excited, I have a little trouble keeping up with you to be honest, but I'm gonna bow outta this one. Hell, I only glossed over the fighting rules, I wanted to adjust to everything else before I got into that. Or at the very least be out of the Nexus. Place is wack, yo.

Plus, as it stands, I only see everyone ganging up on you 13-Jzall. As far as I'm concerned, I thought the situation was deescalating and if there was tension it was coming from the stormtrooper mooks. Yeah, I'm good. You guys can duke it out if you want, gonna have Shu take off during the chaos or at the very least wait to see what Alexander wants to do.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

All right, I'm good with that.

[Alexander Blakesley]

Bowing out as well, sooper sekret liek ninja

[Asriel Dreemurr]

OK.

[13-Jzall]

Let's just wait until Alexander comes back before we make our post then?

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Alex is leaving. Also, we need a judge.

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

I wouldn't mind judging you two if you find no one else. But I would request that you actually create a new thread for the fight as both the original thread creator and Alexander want no part of it (and it makes it easier to seperate out to judge).

Your characters don't physically need to move, just continue in a new thread so Shu and Alex can continue (after their IC reactions and likely movement). Unless they don't mind, but my understanding was the fight messed up their potential plans. You don't have to, but it'd be courteous.

Lastly, do you know who's going first? Or do you want me to flip a coin?

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Flip a coin please.

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

*drum roll*

...

And the result is:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall posts first 
[/spoiler]
As I said prior, it would probably be best to continue in a new thread.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

I know we haven't kept up with two posts, Ebonywood, but here's my second one and the fourth one in total. http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid112959

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

Yup. I saw. One round left. Once the fight is over post here again just to check I've read it. After that, give me 48 hours and I'll have a result out for you.

If 48 hours have passed and I've given you nothing, feel free to spam my inbox. But hopefully that shouldn't happen.

[13-Jzall]

Just posted, Asirel's turn to finish this off.

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

I'll try and start writing out my judge stuff and feedback later today. I'll have a result out within 48 hours of now, tops. Likely tomorrow.

I'd just like to try and give some more detailed feedback instead of some damages and a small scorecard if I can. But I'll definitely have the outcome out within 2 days,

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Sorry I didn't post the link. I just had to go out for a drive. Here's the link: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid112978

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

(This may sound dumb, but if anyone has and feedback for my feedback I'd appreciate it. And if anyone thinks I said something incorrect or gave bad advice, also tell me.)

Before I start grading you, there's something I feel I should note. Your posts were short. Although as both of you wrote a similar amount it didn't come into play much, and I'm glad you're not forcing yourself to throw words on the page just to meet a word count, small posts can definitely jeopardise your grading. Fewer words will generally lead to less plot, characterisation, and lose you the opportunity to showcase your writing to your best extent.

You're both developing writers; take pride in your work. Stretch yourself. Give your post one last proofread before sending it off, and maybe even plan it prior somewhat. After all, this fight matters. Your character could die if you lose. You have 48 hours on the timer, and I know you're eager, but my personal opinion is that should you have left your faster posts an extra day, you may have been able to do something even better. That's just something to think about.

My apologies if I have assumed something you believe to be incorrect. This is, after all, my first time actually giving anyone writing feedback outside of a quick grammar check.

Also, 13-Jzall, your roster link on your profile links to your joining app, not your roster. I would highly advise you to also add more information to your roster, such as personality and quirks, a more extended history, and also your move descriptions.

---

Now, on to my grading criteria. In brief, you will individually get five scores. Each has a maximum of 5 and a minimum of 0 (0 is pretty much only possible if you don't post). 3/5 is supposed to be "average", but due to my inexperience, that actual average could easily be higher or lower. Regardless, I'm confident that the winner of this fight would still win since my gradings between the two of you were relative.

In general, I classify the categories I'm using as follows:

Story: Was there a story? Did the fight continue fluidly from post to post? Did it seem to progress? Did tension build? Was it compelling?
Character: Did the characters have a notable reason for the fight? Were they well written? Did their conviction come across?
Voice: This comes down to your writing style. Was it clear? Did it have flair? Did you mix it up and fluidly tell the story?
Realism: Did you portray the fight in a realistic way? A 2 DEF person shrugging off a 5 ATK bullet is unrealistic for example. And usually, someone standing still while you charge an attack against them is also unrealistic.
Technical: Grammar and spelling. No mistakes (that I can spot) = 5/5.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

For maximum suspense (although if you wanted to skip ahead to the result I can't stop you), I've sorted my feedback by category rather than by person.

Story:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall: Alright, so a fight starts because 13 waves his gun at people. From there, it actually gets somewhat samey. 13 shoots Az, Az throws fire balls at 13. There was a tad of hiding behind the fountain, and some build up towards the end. 

Honestly, I guess you were limited by your moves here, but there were definitely more creative things you could have done. Your master acrobat power was rarely used. 13 didn't really seem to have much of a plan besides shooting. My advice is to treat your writing as less of a "13 does this, Az does that" and more of one fluid motion.

1.5/5

---

Azriel: Despite your limited moveset, you were able to allow the fight to progress without it getting too samey. Although I do feel you could have done more if you used a larger proportion of the words available to you. I think you did fairly well at keeping the fight consistent between yours and 13's posts.

Honestly, to do better here from a writing perspective, you need to write more. And to achieve that easier, you should probably get more moves or powers. In your final stand, for example, you both collapsed with little else happening.

3/5
[/spoiler]
Character:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall: 13 clearly has a backstory revolving around violence, and presumably is fighting to prove the point that his fighting will beat mercy.

However, somewhat comically, you wrote Azriel (the character here who is meant to be "mercy") as actually throwing fireballs before you shot him, which somewhat hurts your score. 

That said, the dialogue for your character was definitely one of your strongest points, but I think you can definitely go deeper into this section. You had lots of spare words, you could have tackled questions such as "why does he kill?" "why does he deem it necessary?"

Furthermore, his reasons for waving his gun around at the start (and slightly prior to the fight) are very unclear. As is his "no emotion" mode. Maybe it's a Warhammer thing I don't understand, but even then, this is exactly why you should put this stuff on your roster. Without it it makes it hard for others to roleplay your character, and difficult for me to really understand him.

2.5/5

---

Azriel: You definitely portrayed Azriel as a reluctant fighter, and showed him having to cope with lost abilities.

I think, however, that you could have gone further. As, while the fight actually progressed, you seemed to ignore all the built up emotion and reluctant combat and have him just do his moves. If you had more of an "I have to fight or I'm dead" internal speech, I think it could have worked a lot better. Perhaps even going so far as to make him feel guilty towards the end, yet unwilling to fall to "evil". He did express rage and divert it towards the fight, but my understanding of you character is:

Combat: He will normally want to avoid fighting as much as possible. Mercy is one of his keywords for a reason. He'll only fight when the stakes are incredibly high.

In general, you never really pushed down the route explaining how the stakes would be high. I guess this is self-defence, and you did try to reason. Your limited use of the wordcount just leaves me feeling like you could have done more. But, it's your first fight.

3/5
[/spoiler]
Voice:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall: I mentioned this in part in the story section, but your writing is very systematic. It primarily consisted of "13 does this, Az does that" with the occasional dialogue and sometimes a slight justification of actions. Try adding more description. Paint the picture more vividly. Describe the setting and movements further. How does someone move? In a jerking motion? In a smooth or robotic way?

Enhancing your vocabulary would also help this, as you tend to repeat some words fairly regularly. For example, you wrote about 1.3k words total yet repeated "pain" 8 times and "started" 10 times. And so on.

Lastly, I would recommend using more paragraphs and actually separating them as big blocks of text are just awkward to read. Take a look at some of Enel's writing, for example. I'm not saying to copy his style, but his method of breaking up the text into lots of small segments might work better for you. Especially given your general approach. In general, I'd recommend reading through some existing fights, such as those from the Dante's Abyss Colosseum at some point. It could definitely help improve your skills.

2/5

---

Azriel: Your writing style is fairly simplistic, mostly consisting of simple words, yet you still set the setting somewhat - just not in much detail. I think, mostly due to your inexperience, this is likely the section you need to work on the most. While you varied the content, the sentence structures were relatively similar and tedious at points. In general, you write sentences such as "X happened because of Y" or "this happened and that happened". It's somewhat more fluid than a back and forth between the characters, but it feels like lots of blocks shoved together.

More general description of how something happened would be nice. For example:

He went behind the fountain again.

is a very weak sentence. How did he go behind the fountain? Azriel is under fire, so he's obviously not going to just walk there. Did he throw himself to the ground? Run? Roll?

I've also noticed you tend to explain things in game terms fairly often. Such as:

13-Jzall tried to run towards Asriel, but he found himself tired and sluggish thanks to Asriel's debuff.

And:

He did a few charged punches and the fireballs streamed toward 13.

In my opinion, writing in more general descriptive terms looks a lot better. Instead of just doing a charged punch, describe Azriel pulling his arm(s) back and actually charging the spell.

2/5
[/spoiler]
Realism:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall: Firstly, I would like to point out the following part of Asriel's move:

The fireballs travel at the speed of an arrow and they can travel up to 25 feet.

None of them should be touching you from your sniper range.

Also, in your first post, 13 was hit in the head by a 5 ATK fireball, yet didn't really suffer from it.

Furthermore, your character seems to be able to ignore pain. I can't see any move or anything on your roster/join app to describe this, but unless you have survival (which you don't) your body will still suffer from the damage. A burned arm will not move as well as a fully healed arm. 

A bonus of having no emotions is feeling no fear, pain or exhaustion.

You can't just have random abilities like that. To some extent, it's almost godmodding. Even if he doesn't feel fatigued mentally, his body should slowly become more unresponsive and sluggish.

You have a TEC of 3. In my opinion, that's definitely not enough to hit something that's moving as fast as an arrow with one of your bullets. Maybe one or two by accident, but outside of that, I think the fireballs would be too hard for you to aim and shoot at without more bullet spam. Even if they're heading towards you. Asriel has 12 fireballs per reload, you have 6 bullets. I don't think you'd reasonably be able to shoot both Az and every fireball he throws (until his arm got injured anyway)

The amount of damage he had sustained was large, not enough to hinder his fighting ability

I would disagree. There's no shame in writing your character as suffering and being weakened from damage.

While Asriel started getting over the pain, 13 moved behind him silently

You were literally just fighting. How did you get behind Asriel?

I'm not going to nitpick anymore, and it was good that you did have your character take damage from Asriel, but in general, I think you need to put more time considering both your own and your opponents capabilities. As well as reading up on the full details of their moves. Your post in a fight it your time to shine. Show your character devise their battle plan and use their best moves in the best ways. But you also have to show how they're coping and dealing with the situation. How they're continuing the fight despite taking damage and being tired and weakened. Despite running in a zig-zag, for example, 13 never seemed to be tired in your posts.

1/5

---

Azriel: Your general descriptions of damage and fatigue were mostly good, however, 13 established himself as a character who is basically going to keep on shooting constantly. I don't think, realistically, that you could stand there for 3 seconds charging shots to fight 13 with unless he was reloading. Always think what your opponent would be doing. 

Also, it's worth noting that you have a higher ATK stat than 13, and 13 doesn't have a proficiency for physical attack. So he likely wouldn't have been able to mess up Az's arm.

Lastly,

However, 13 dropped on all fours because he was so exhausted.

This feels like you simply said "oh, by the way" and suddenly had 13 collapse. I understand that he probably would have been tired even if the character's writer hadn't portrayed it, but I think you should have humoured his game more. Perhaps stating that his muscles were so fatigued they couldn't hold up his weight. 

2.5/5
[/spoiler]
Technical:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall: I'm not a major grammar nazi or anything, but I'll point out what I can find.

You made some minor errors (using the wrong word or missing a word out):

he sent of two more bullets

*sent off

and

 trying to confuse Asriel enough that he would not be able knock him down and finish the job

*able to knock

As well as some missing punctuation, such as here where you missed a full-stop or period or whatever you want to call it.

Knowing that the goat was most likely emotionally unstable he started taunting him

You also misuse commas fairly often. Commas are for separating clauses that don't make sense by themselves. Not for taking a breath in the middle of a sentence or for separating two related sentences that both make sense individually.

For example:

Shooting his rifle, the bullet grazed Azriel’s leg. 

This is correct. But...

A few more fireballs came at 13, one hit his head but luckily didn’t shatter his optics, he sent of two more bullets, one of which barely missed and the other hitting one of Azriel’s arms but 13 couldn’t see the result of it.

Is incorrect. Both the underlined sections should either be semicolons or full-stops (periods).

There are many online sources that explain this, so I'm not going to go into more detail. Work on your commas.

2/5

---

Azriel: Firstly, there was some usage of incorrect/mispelled words:

The skitarii stood unyelding over him. 

*unyielding

Mostly things that could have been fixed with another proofread or two.

3.5/5
[/spoiler]
Penalties and Bonuses [important]:
[spoiler]
Normally I would give Asriel +1 point for using 1sp during the fight. However, there seems to be some confusion over Azriel's supermove.

Azriel can reduce someone's SPD by 2 for a single round. That is to say, until the start of Azriel's next post. I think Azriel misinterpreted this as being for two of Azriel's posts (and used the move twice despite only having the SP for using it once). 13-Jzall also wrote the supermove as wearing off at the start of his turns, which would be incorrect. 13 should have had to suffer the effects of "Struggle!" through his post as well.

Due to this confusion, as I believe it was more a misunderstanding than there being any intent to cheat the system, I am not providing any bonus due to SP usage to Azriels score. Nor am I penalising 13 in any way. Just make sure you know for next time. If you have any questions on this, ask me or post in the quick questions thread (after double checking to see if it's mentioned in the rules).
[/spoiler]
Final Scores:
[spoiler]
13-Jzall:
Story: 1.5
Character: 2.5
Voice: 2
Realism: 1
Technical: 2

Total: 9

---

Azriel:
Story: 3
Character: 3
Voice: 2
Realism: 2.5
Technical: 3.5

Total: 14
[/spoiler]
Outcome:
[spoiler]
Azriel Dremurr Wins!

Azriel takes 10 accumulated damage, including the moderate injury: sprained wrist, and multiple bullet wounds.
13-Jzall takes 13 accumulated damage including many minor, moderate, and even a serious burn injury.

If given time to rest, all damage and injuries will heal with time and rest.

Azriel may choose to announce their decision to either kill or spare 13-Jzall here in the OOC thread. Or may choose to simply write an IC post detailing their choice in the thread where they can roleplay it out. If 13 dies he will have to wait one OOC week before reviving at the Nexus (check the rules on death if you are currently unfamiliar with them).
[/spoiler]
Decision notes (ignore if you want):
[spoiler]
I was going to simply take the opponents score and subtract 5 for the damage. But since the fight was so brutal, I estimated damage based more on the injuries you took (although scores did come into it somewhat).
[/spoiler]

[Asriel Dreemurr]

@Ebony I need this criticism. I've been writing fanfiction for around 2 years. However, they aren't popular at all. An average of 3 people comment on my stories. Mostly all I get is positive feedback except for like, one spam commenter and one bully. I know how to take criticism, but I'm unused to having any criticism directed at me that isn't part of a mean comment. So, thanks.

Also, I do have a physical attack proficiency. And about the difference between "made impact" and a series of impacts, that's really up to the writer's opinion about what they want to do. Neither is right or wrong.