An Imperfect Proposition

[Handsome Jack]

“Well, THAT wass embarrasssing...” I grumble irritably. “I wassn't expecting the bitch to be sso... tenacciouss.”


In the pitch black of the prison cell they'd thrown me in, I tested the manacles holding me in place against the cold, stone wall. Yeah... figures they wouldn't give. After the little show I put on at the Gate, they probably weren't about to take any chances. I sigh, and continue speaking to my companion.


“You know, I'm ssupposssed to be thiss perfect thing. Popss handcrafted my genome from the greatesst warriorss of the universse. Then I get dragged here and now I'm barely sstrong enough to kill a handful of damn humanss before they take me out. You undersstand how frusstrating that iss?”

Silence is my answer, but I continue on anyway.


“Yeah. I ssupposse you do. After all, you're here too. I bet you didn't exxpect to get thrown in a ccell either. Like me, you probably thought it wass all good. Kill a few human, abssorb their ssweet, ssweet juiccess and try to figure out how to reach your perfect form. Eassy peassy. But then ssome bitch showss up and you think, 'Oh. Thiss ain't nothing. I was dessigned to kill GOKU for Kami'ss ssake. Ssoldier chick should be a push-over. Only she ain't a pushover. Hell, I probably could took her out anyway, but damned if I didn't underesstimate her. I guesss I can't blame anyone but mysself for that one. Shoulda known better.”

I turn my head in the darkness and look at my companion, my beak breaking into a facsimile of a smile.


“Though, at leasst I ssaw that they have ssome good... cuissine here.”

I laugh, the sound echoing in the darkness and sending some rats scurrying away to their holes.

“You know what, pal? Anyone ever tell you you're a good lisstener?”

The skeletal corpse chained beside me again gives me silence as his answer.

[Handsome Jack]

The sudden brightness of a light coming on narrows my pupils and I hiss in response to the disturbance. Footsteps echo through the cellblock, steady and sure of their path and I wonder just who would be coming down here at THIS time of night. Maybe another ne'er-do-well run afoul of the law. Kinda weird there's only one set of footsteps though. I consider just what exactly could be going on for a moment or two longer before a familiar face steps in front of my cell.

“Oh... hey there, Popss. Wassn't exxactly exxpecting to ssee you here. You gonna busst your sson outta here, or what?”

The geriatric's cold stare sets me on edge. Yeah, he ain't here to help. Not that I really expected it.

“We'll see,” he says, a sinister smile briefly flashing across his face. “First, why don't you explain to me exactly what you were thinking when you attacked those men at the gate.”


“Uh... I wass thinking I wass hungry? Look, I didn't assk to be thiss people-drinking monsster. That wass all you, DAD. Not that I'm complaining. Nothing I like more than watching the life literally drain away from my victimss, their criess for help going unheeded as their biomasss fuelss my sstrength. Jusst ssaying, if you didn't want me attacking and eating people, you probably shoulda rethought your whole dessign plan.”

Gero scowls at me, his brow drawing down low over his eyes. I guess I hit a nerve there. Never really met the guy, he died a while before I was even born, but he probably doesn't much care for criticism. Can't much blame him, if his ego is anything like my own. He turns away from me and begins pacing outside my cell, his labcoat swishing softly with every step.

“Now...” he began, pausing to look at me. “Normally, this would be where I'd leave you to rot here, to die with your...” His eyes quickly flash over to my cellmate. “Friend. But... I DID create you. You were my greatest feat before I came here.”

His pacing stops and he stares pointedly at me.

“BEFORE I came here. In this world, I have achieved things of which I could never have dreamed of before; compared to what I've now accomplished, you're little more than a science experiment.”

Oh. Well, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. Now I was really pissed off. Say what you want about your new toys, asshole, but I ain't no damn science experiment. I am nothing less than perfection. I strain against my shackles, rage and hate swelling in my breast. If it was the last thing I did, I was going to kill my father for that. Let's see how little he thinks of me after I've drank his life.

He smiles, amused by my anger, a soft chuckle escaping him.

“Calm down... Cell, was it? Can't say I much care for the name, SON.”

“Well,” I answer coldly, glaring at him. “Wassn't like you were around, DAD. Jusst threw me in a tank and left Computer Mom to take care of me while you... what? Died or ssomething, I guesss. Jeezz. Couldn't even stick around long enough to give me a name, huh? Jusst be glad I didn't pick ssomething like xXxemogoku420xXx. Ass for your new 'accomplishmentss', ssay what you want about them, but you and I both know I'm your greatesst creation. If I wassn't sstuck in this ccell, I'd show you jusst how ssuperior I AM to whatever elsse you've done.”

He chuckles again, hand-waving off my anger and returning to his pacing.

“Hmm... Well, that can be arranged.”

Wait... what? What the fuck was he talking about? My anger washes away in confusion and I sag back against the wall as he continues talking, stopping to look at me again.

“You want to prove yourself my supreme invention? Easier done than said, my boy. There's a little... event coming up soon. They call it 'Dante's Abyss' or some other ridiculous name. The man running the thing, a Mister Karl Jak, is looking for individuals to compete in it.”

Gero pulls a key from his pocket, holding it tantalizingly in front of the door lock.

“Sso... I jusst promisse to join thiss little game and you'll let me out?” I ask, brow raised quizzically.

“Well... it's not QUITE that simple, but in a nutshell..,” Gero replies, that sickening grin back on his lips. It ain't like I got much of a choice at the moment anyway, so I agree, but I get to feeling I'm not going to like what Pops has in mind.