Email from "Karl Jak" to "Samus Aran"

[Karl Jak]

Hey there, Sunshine, how's retirement?

I'm enjoying the off-season. I made a beach from some of the omnilium I got from being the best host ever. It's nice. How did you spend your earnings? I'm assuming you probably called it blood money and donated it to charity, amirite?? Nah, you probably made it into even bigger guns. Great way to spend that, I think. What's more ironic than the hero using the juice she got from murdering people to make bigger things to murder people with?

You are a poet and a role model, Sunshine. If I had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like you.

Anyway, enough about you. I love my beach. Lots of strong drinks with the little umbrellas and an assortment of cabana boys to make sure Mr. Jak doesn't get bored.

I went scuba diving last Friday and found some pearls. I even went surfing a few times. You try surfing? It's a thing you do for fun where you swim out on plastic boards and ride the waves.

You know what fun is, correct? Or is that stick still snug up in you?

jk of course :-*

I've missed you since you tried to jump my bones after the competition. I'm hoping you can scrape off enough of that rust to join a future Syntech competition, Ms. Aran. It wouldn't be the same without a valiant hero gruesomely slaying all the villains.

Smooches,
Karl

Also, I included a picture of me working on my tan. I gained a little weight, it seems. A diet of booze and young meat can do that to a man, you know. My advice would be to print it on that extra glossy paper and then frame it for above your bed. Then again, you probably sleep on a bedroll on a concrete floor. You strike me as the type ;-) 'NO COMFORT FOR I AM SAMUS ARAN. PILLOWS AND FEATHERS WILL WEAKEN MY CONSTITITUTE RAARGH'

Extra smooches!