Bros Before Flows

[Tearen Wover]

Like lava flows, get it? Eh, fuck.

So that definitely had gone better than Drake had been expecting. There had been significant concern that the Koopa King was just going to toss the four of them out on their collective ass, but instead, they just got a gigantic shrug and 'impress me'. So yeah, Drake was pretty sure he could manage that, even with these three other military trained demi-gods slowing him down. Ohhhhh fuck. He was gonna die.

As the troupe of adventurers sauntered forth from Bowser's court, Drake was the first to speak up.

"So, I don't known about you guys but I'm famished. How'd about whipping up some Omnilicious-whooaa..." Drake said, rapidly getting cut off as Miranda started to take on a brilliant, white shine. Ohh shit! MIRANDA WAS EVOLVING! WHAT?!

NO. OH GOD SHE JUST EXPLODED.

Drake's eyes went completely wide, and then he immediatelt started harshing on himself for not making a pass at the swarthy fist goddess sooner, and THEN he started really beating himself up because you seriously gonna think about missed rende-boobs when that chick just totes died?? Jesus. The smuggler turned around and gawked at the other two Primes, expecting some sort of answer, but they too seemed just as confused.

And then Colonel phased through the floor, soooooo that was a thing. Yep. Drake held his hand out to the side, as if balancing on the edge of a cliff.

"Don't...Move..." Drake said, keeping his eyes fixed on a particularly nice looking brick. I mean, bricks weren't inherently nice, but as far as bricks went, Drake preferred it over others he'd seen. It was just a little irregular, and its surface seemed like it might be nice to rub his face against. This...wasn't something Drake went around doing all the time, mind you, but if he HAD been the kind of person to do that, he had hit the jackpot.

And then, like, reality came back and Drake glanced into Zack's freaky shark eyes (he has those, right?). There really weren't any words to be said except.

"Maybe we should..." Drake started, offering a sentiment that Zack was only too willing to finish.

"...get out of here."

"...Yeah."

And so the two of them hoofed it like a pair of kangaroos hopped up on brown-brown gatorade smoothies, getting about one hundred yards down the hallway and successfully avoiding getting turned to paste by some giant, angry-ass spike bricks chilling up on the ceiling. It was at this point that the two of them found themselves at the castle's armory. They knew this, because there was a giant sign hanging over the door that said 'ARMERY'. I mean. Clearly literacy isn't a priority when living on a volcano planet, but you'd think there'd be higher signage standards when it came to a royal castle. Oh whatever.

A lone, red shelled koopa was standing guard outside the heavy iron door, his gaze facing straight ahead. After catching their breath, Zack and Drake approached, only to have the turtle hold up his adorable little marshmallow hand and say 'halt'.

"Well, actually, now that we're here...would you mind if we took a look around? Bowser gave us a mission, and we could use some help, seeing as two of our friends just...disappeared." Zack said, rubbing the back of his mullet with a sweaty gloved hand. The terrapin seemed like he was about to offer a counter argument, but Drake slowly walked towards the sentinel with a soft look in his eyes.

"S-stay back! Stay back or I'll..."

"Shhh..." the Smuggler said, crouching down and placing a gentle hand on the Koopa's face. His little beak mouth hung open like it had a loose hinge.

"I don't understand what's happen-"

"Shhhhhhhh. Shhh...shhh..." Drake said, looking deep into the Koopa's absurd double eyes. He gently shook his head and brought his mouth close to the turtle's hypothetical ear.

"Hey. Hey bud. Listen."

"Wh-wha? Uh..."

"Listen. Hey, hey, listen. Listen. Do you..." Drake said, his voice trailing off. The Koopa gulped nervously, too stunned to move.

"Do...I..."

"Shh...Do you...like bricks?"

"What the fluff are you talking abo-"

"Shhhhh. There is a brick...near the throne room. It is the greatest brick I have ever seen."

"I don't..."

"You'll know the brick when you see it. You will feel compelled to rub your face on it. Go. Go on man. Go. Go check it out." Drake said, releasing the Koopa from his tender embrace. The turtle guard edged away ever so slightly towards the main hall, keeping his eyes plastered on Drake's serene face. The smuggler made a shooing motion with his hands and mouthed the words 'go on', offering the little fella a bright grin. Shaking, the Koopa slowly walked away, a look of abject horror on his face.

Zack's expression was not much different.

"What did you say to him?" the ex-SOLDIER asked, approaching the door which Drake was currently picking the lock on.

"Nothing. His name is Steve, okay?"

"...okay..."

Half an hour later, Zack and Drake were floating out of Bowser's Palace in this weird, round clown pod that hovered. It also had this creepy ass clown face on the front, so Drake had found a bucket of tar and painted some sunglasses on it. He also painted 'BIG B'S BITCHES' on the rear side. Zack had protested to this at first, but the clown car balloon...thing...was actually faster and more comfortable than Miranda's beat-ass pickup. Not only that, but they both had scored some sweet gear to fight with.

Of course, as they left the palace grounds, other Koopa guards had questions. Who told them they could take that stuff? Where were they taking it? How did they get it? Drake was more than ready for these answers, with such gems as 'Steve said we could', or 'Ask Steve'. All in all, things were looking up for Zack and Drake.

Now they just had to go bait and kill some dragon riders, nbd.

[Zack Fair]

Things sure had gone from zero to a hundred in a hurry.

One moment they were preparing to go fight bandits, and the next people were exploding and vanishing. Though Zack had learned not to be surprised by freaky occurrences in this crazy reality he'd been dropped into, that certainly didn't mean he was going to stick around and test fate. Fortunately, Drake had agreed with at least the most relevant parts of that line of thinking, and they had gotten the hell out of there with little delay.

Zack didn't know much about Drake, but he did quickly surmise that the one armed man had likely been a part of some sort of military organization in his past world. How was that so evident? Because just like Zack, he had looted the Koopa armory with a level of fervor that was reserved only for individuals that had to fill out pages of paperwork over the course of several weeks to get something as basic as a handful of flashlight batteries from a stingy supply sergeant. Free, unsupervised access turned both of them into deranged shoppers that made Black Friday at a major electronics store look like morning formation.

So, now they found themselves cruising along in an absolutely ridiculous pod that somehow functioned and balanced despite the undersized propeller being underneath the thing. Drake flew it with an impressive display of skill, considering he was missing an entire appendage and also that this thing made zero sense. It was more or less smooth sailing, though they had a few disagreements along the way. Zack didn't see the point of taking the time to vandalize this odd craft, while Drake wasn't the biggest fan of Zack bringing a live, ferocious Chain Chomp on board.

They traveled for some time, Drake taking the opportunity to learn the limits of this craft as they did. It might scare some people, but Zack reminded himself that he could probably just jump the hell out if things got a little too hairy. So he sat back, with his feet kicked up and flipped through the Dataverse, since this vehicle contained everything except an in-flight movie.

"Dragon riders," Drake eventually broke the silence, and Zack looked up from his phone. Sure enough, there were a few dozen dragons before them, each with someone on their backs.

"How do we know that's them?" Zack questioned, closing his flip phone and pocketing it.

"I mean, they're riding fucking dragons," Drake took his hand off the controls for just long enough to throw his hand up the air.

Fair point. Zack nodded. While he did, one of the lead dragons opened it's mouth, and released a fireball in the direction of their craft. Drake banked hard to the side and the attack sailed past. He steered back in their original direction, and they continued head on towards their new foes.

"Also, they're shooting fireballs at us," Drake helpfully added on.

Zack was already standing up and picking up the Buster Sword while Drake closed the gap.

"Also-"

"I got it, thanks!" Zack interrupted the pilot. Fucking smartass.

As the distance between them and the dragon riders rapidly shrank, Zack grabbed the edge of the pod with his left hand and attached his massive sword to his pack like usual. There was no telling if these were actually the bandits they were looking for, or just more trouble makers that were territorial about their airspace. Maybe one or two would be left to explain, afterwards.

"See you on the other side," Zack said, as he pulled himself onto the edge and springboarded off of it.

As Zack left the craft and sailed through the air towards the closest dragon rider, Drake turned around only briefly. He wasn't terribly shocked or surprised that Zack had just bailed out, but instead was simply confirming that Zack hadn't left that goddamned Chain Chomp on board. Satisfied that he wasn't sharing the craft with a flesh eating monster, Drake turned and steered the clown car into battle.

The burly rider of the dragon that Zack had targeted was shockingly prepared for him to attack in such a manner, as he swung a massive shield at the Ex-SOLDIER when he approached and thwarted the attempt to tackle the rider from his mount. Instead, Zack took the blow to the face and was knocked away. He regained his senses and bearings in time grab the belly of the flying dragon while he fell, and found himself swinging underneath it. The dragon rider looked down, presumably snarling beneath his crummy looking helmet.

The rider produced a long spear, and stabbed it downwards at Zack. When the spear got close, Zack let go of the dragon with his right hand to dodge. Hanging by only his left arm now, he caught the spear in his free hand and pulled it from the rider's grasp. He discarded the weapon and let it fall to the ground, and drew the Buster Sword. He stabbed his own weapon upwards, catching the rider in the gut before he had time to maneuver the shield around to block.

Zack sheathed the Buster Sword yet again, and swung himself up onto the dragon's back. The badly wounded rider didn't even see Zack coming, being too focused with his own injury. The distraction made it that much easier for Zack to kick him off the beast. He grabbed the reigns and snapped them a few times to redirect the dragon.

Did he know the first thing about riding a dragon into battle?

Nope.

But he was never one to let little details like that get in his way. Because now he had a dragon under his control, so these assholes had better look out.

[Tearen Wover]

Drake had known a dragon back home once. He'd been a real prick, but also insanely wealthy and influential. Somewhere between a king and an oil baron, the blue dragon had often contacted Drake about buying derelict VARIAtech equipment. It was because of this that the smuggler was sort of surprised that the dragon Zack had hijacked was completely fine with the fact its handler had thrown off its back. Whatever; different universe, different dragons.

There were four dragon riders remaining, and as they swept through the suffocating skies, rippling fields of pumice and obsidian zipping past far below, Drake began to formulate a plan. Sure this clown car wasn't exactly a Viper II, but he'd already put it through its paces, and what it lacked in speed, it made up for in maneuverability. Just don't bank too hard or turn it upside down. Zack and Drake had learned that the hard way.

Also, there were a large array of shiny buttons on the panel that Drake hadn't tried yet. Maybe they were weapons systems? I mean, honestly the cavernous design of this thing didn't leave much room for any hidden systems at all, but that didn't mean such a thing couldn't be crammed in some where. Wiggling his fingers for a moment, Drake opted to jab a big red button that had a pair of angry eyes on it.

When he did so, an enormous, slightly phallic, missile with angry eyes and arms on it blasted out from...somewhere in the front of the clown car. It shot off into a black bank of clouds, leaving a loud whistling jet stream behind it.

"Hmm."

Drake jabbed the button again, but nothing happened. Okay, so apparently that thing had only had one shot. Grimmacing, Drake resisted the urge to try the other buttons, on the likey chance that they too were one-shot deals. Drake became dimly aware that he'd lost sight of one of the riders, and on a whim, ducked just in time to avoid having his head bitten off by a swooping lizard monster.

"Always nice to have a volunteer..." Drake muttered, giving the throttle on the clown car a kick in the ass. The pitiable rotor that kept the machine airborne revved to life, making a raspy sound not entirely unlike a giant fart. The dragon was already hundreds of yards away, and there was no way Drake was going to out speed the monster and his tiny friend. No, he would have to make the dragon and its rider play his game insteaed. Drake whipped the clown car around, back towards the cloud of scales and claws that Zack was caught up in. The SOLDIER was holding his own, but three on one is terrible odds.

The smuggler knew that, by now, his predator had already likely winged over and was on his way to make a second pass. Drake leaned into the control panel, willing the clown car to hurry up. His keen eyes spotted a dragon that had locked on to Zack's tail, so the smuggler cut the power and let the aircraft plummet a few feet, only to put himself right in front of the snout of Zack's pursuer.

To further goad the rider, Drake pulled out his plasma derringer and fired a pot shot which whizzed past the helmeted bandit's face like a green flash of lightning. Sneering, the bandit slapped his dragon's neck and caused the bronze-scaled monstrosity to belch forth an acrid stream of fire. Drake juked upwards and pointed the roto forwards, causing the clown car to zip back right over top of the dragon's back.

Suddenly, the came a loud whistle from behind Drake's head, and the smuggler instantly knew it to be his prior assailant. Both Drake and the rider he was screwing with turned their heads to see the hulking creature gliding towards them at top speed, eager to pluck the clown car out of the sky. He whipped his derringer around and squinted sharply for a moment, before squeezing off an emerald shot which smacked into the incoming dragon's wing joint with a spray of magnetized plasma.

The swooping beast let loose a shrill screech as its entire wing convulsed momentarily, throwing its vector just barely off course enough to allow Drake to buzz off to the right while the faltering monster slammed into his wingmate with full force. Both riders and dragons were immediately caught up in each other, and the collective tangle of wings and tails plummeted swiftly towards the ground far below.

Grinning, Drake wheeled the clown car around buzzed back towards Zack, who was still tangling with the other two riders. They seemed a little too preoccupied to notice the smuggler hovering above the furball, er, scaleball, rather. This gave him a chance to look at the toys on the weapons(?) panel again. One in particular caught his eye; it depicted a ball with vertical, speedy lines above it. Did this thing have some sort of bomb hatch? Well, might as well try it and take a royal dump on these smelly herpephiles. The botton made an adorable little Boop! when Drake pressed it.

In the next instant, Drake was in the air, several dozen yards above the clown car, somehow having been ejected by a hidden spring under his seat. Honestly, that didn't make any sense, but then Drake realized that the clown car had tipped over and was falling rapidly to the scorched earth. As Drake hit the zenith of his upwards momentum, he had only one thing to say.

"Hmmm..."

[Zack Fair]

So there was Zack, who just a day before had nearly killed everyone while attempting to pilot a simple skiff, trying to control a dragon who he'd just hijacked from it's jockey.

Yea, it started off about as well as that made it sound.

There was another, more immediate concern for both Zack and his new steed, and it made them unlikely allies. Namely, the fact that the other dragon riders targeted the two of them, with little regard for the dragon's well-being now that it's proper rider had been deposed. Real cost-effective bunch, these bandits.

Zack found himself doing little other than holding on, at first. This had not been the best idea after all, and he was pretty much counting on the dragon to keep them both in the fight. The dragon was doing that quite effectively, however, flailing it's limbs and snapping at each of the other riders and their mounts as they came close. Even though the participants of this alliance of necessity weren't being outright killed, they were still being backed up, and Zack knew something would have to change quickly.

He noticed the numbers thinning gradually, and realized that Drake was systematically removing opponents from the fray. It may not have been the strategy he envisioned, but it was working. That was enough reason for Zack to resist the urge to simply abandon the dragon. After all, everyone had a part to play.

Down to two opponents, Zack was starting to get this under control. His dragon was holding the other two at bay, and now he had enough breathing room to do something of his own. Just as he was producing an orb of Materia from his belt, though, the clown car that Drake had been effectively raising hell in landed upside down on the head of one enemy dragon. It predictably went into a frenzy as it tried to remove the vehicle from it's cranium, and Zack took the time to look around for Drake.

He spied his ally soaring up into the air. Zack didn't even begin to wonder what had caused this situation, he just began to work towards fixing it. He'd seen Drake make a more than impressive landing before, but it didn't make a whole lot of sense to risk it. He snapped the reigns in one hand while he formed a sharp icicle with the Ice Materia in his other hand. The dragon snapped forward and flew upwards, with Zack hurling the icicle into the chest of one rider. The bandit fell from his dragon, clutching the frigid blade that had impaled him, but the damage was too severe to do anything about. Now all that was left was the one dragon and rider still struggling with the clown car.

Zack looked down to see the last jockey had landed on a nearby plateau. He had also dismounted and was attempting to remove the discarded vehicle from his thrashing steed. While Zack was looking downwards, he was startled by an abrupt thud as Drake landed on the dragon with him, and the two of them found themselves back to back on this creature.

"You alright?" Zack shouted over his shoulder to his one armed friend.

"Uh-huh," Drake responded, quite briefly.

"Your turn, then!"

With that, Zack slid right off the creature and dropped to the ground. He made a hard landing after a long fall, that forced him to drop a knee and brace one hand against the rocky plain to prevent his face from continuing downwards. A small cloud of ash shot in all directions from the impact, easily gaining the attention of the final rider.

The bandit was large and imposing, taller than even Zack. It was difficult to determine much more about him, as he was clad from head to toe in a scaly armor. Zack wondered if they simultaneously used the dragons for their armor as well. It would be an odd practice, but it might also explain why the remaining dragons without jockeys weren't leaping into action.

He shrugged it off, and watched as the bandit stepped away from the scaled beast. While behind him the dragon continued to shake it's trapped head like a dog stuck in a boot, the rider squared off with Zack. The Ex-SOLDIER knew he shouldn't play into this, but he just couldn't help it. Zack watched with a smile as the the bandit tossed his large shield to one side, and his lance to another. Zack responded in kind, brandishing the Buster Sword only long enough to stab it into the ash covered ground.

The understanding was there, so the two men both charged towards each other at the same time. As the gap closed, Zack stopped and braced himself, allowing the bandit to come to him. He brought up his right arm to deflect the first strike, and then his leg to block a follow up kick. Zack took the offensive and stepped in, delivering a powerful punch to the bandit's face that sent him stumbling backwards.

Zack was a tall and well built individual, and a simple glance would tell anyone that he would make a good warrior from his size alone. This final bandit was even more suited for fighting, with an additional half foot on Zack in height and the increased muscle mass to match, if not exceed, those proportions. Yet, in that brief clash, Zack had little difficulty matching the speed or the force of those blows. It was a bit disappointing.

He stepped towards the bandit, who was still reeling from the previous strike. His stride was relaxed, almost casual, now that he had sized up his enemy. The bandit abruptly lunged forwards, unleashing a flurry of strikes which Zack had little difficulty deflecting. Finally, Zack caught the hand of his opponent and twisted his wrist in a very unnatural direction, causing the outlaw to drop to his knees in a desperate attempt to relieve the pain. Zack decided not to snap the joint, and instead released the man's hand and delivered a powerful kick to the front of his mask. The bandit was thrown backwards from the blow, sliding across the ash upon landing.

Zack stretched his arms a bit and cracked his neck. In doing so he noticed a faint, light green aura covering himself. He held up his gloved right hand and inspected it a little closer. It unmistakably looked like he had just been doused in Mako, but that made no sense, considering that energy source wasn't even present in this world. The aura faded away as he was studying it, and he decided he'd make sense of all of that later on.

The bandit was stumbling to his feet, and Zack figured now was the right time to play the honorable card. After all, the man was beaten and outnumbered, and had little chance of turning the battle in his favor. Being cut from the hero-type mold, Zack had a few rehearsed speeches in his head about the futility of this man's ways, even if he found that he believed them a little bit less since arriving in this world.

In an instant, it no longer mattered. Because as the bandit stood up and balled his fists, he let out a defiant battle cry that would be the last thing he ever did. Mid-scream, he was devoured from behind when Drake and the dragon swooped down and the scaly creature clamped it's jaws tightly along the criminal's upper torso. Whatever thoughts of mercy and honor Zack had were cast to the wayside as he watched the dragon devour the man. All he could do now was recover the Buster Sword and wonder why the hell Miranda had insisted on making him the pilot instead of Drake.

[Tearen Wover]

That had been completely unintentional.

Drake didn't know how to make this stupid animal spit this guy out, and really do anything else with the dragon. A flying robot? Bring it on. A warp pod? Please. Miranda's pickup truck? Yeah whatever. But please, for the love of Dog, please, DON'T make Drake deal with animals. Animals had no rudders, no pedals. Horses were great for some people, but what Drake needed was a lever in the back of their fucking head. So okay a dragon?

"YYYEEEAAAAAAGGHHHHH!"

That was pretty much how Drake felt about everything right now. But hey, at least Zach seemed to be doing pretty good. He was even glowing green! So that was a thing. Finally, the dragon that Drake was not in the least bit in control of spat its rider friend out, only barely causing a heavy iron helmet to smack Drake right in his blessed gob. That was enough of this. The smuggler pulled back on the reigns as hard as he could, causing the beast, miraculously, to rear up with a pain-wracked shriek. It wasn't ideal, but it gave Drake enough of a chance to leap the fuck out of this saddle and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. He rolled a half dozen times before coming to a stop. After a moment, he stirred and let out a low grown. Oh god...oh god. He couldn't feel his right arm. Was...was it broken. Jk, Drake didn't have a right arm, LOL!

...

Laughing at his own stupidity, the smuggler had only a few blessed moments of relief before sitting up and staring up at the dragon he had been riding wheeling around and coming back this way.

"Shiet."

With that, Drake began running at a dead sprint back towards Zack, a little over fifty yards away. From his place, walking towards the other dragon who had a dumbass clown car on its fucking head. So great, now there was about to be a double decker dragon sandwich with a slice of Drake's succulent ass meat right in the center. Drake wasn't really sure what Zack would be in this sandwich, but the man seemed to be comprised of at least fifty percent hair, so maybe he was the lettuce.

"Hey Lettuce!" Drake shouted, sprinting like a dumbass. Zack turned around slowly to see Drake's single arm pumping furiously as he half stumbled, half sprinted over the black, rocky terrain. Behind him, Zack spotted the looming form of the dragon, mouth wide open in anticipation. Without a single, goddamn moment of hesitation, Zack hunkered down ever so slightly before launching himself like a human missile, clear over Drake's head, towards the incoming mythical wing beast. Drake jogged to a halt and turned around just in time to see Zack do a double lateral somersault, wielding his ridicufuck sword in one hand, cutting that dragon open like a human buzz saw. And then he stuck the landing in a three point stance with his sword stuck way behind him like a total, magnificent jackass. Drake pursed his lips as the dragon came to a shuddering, grinding halt, just a few feet from him. Not one to be shown up by someone clearly superior, the smuggler walked over to the other dragon, still struggling to get the clown car off its face.

The thrashing beast was slamming the thing around, like it was trying to crack an egg its head was inside of. Drake approached slowly, observing the timing of the beast's tiring throes. Wham. Wham. WHAM. All at once, the smuggler took a bold stride forwards and raised a booted foot into the air, shoving the clown car ever so slightly off of the beast's face. The from inside the small crevice that was created, Drake could see the dragon's eye peering at him. There was a small moment when the smuggler began to feel sympathy for the misused creature, but then he remembered that he gaze zero fucks about the entire world and raised his plasma derringer up to the glowing eyeball.

KCHOW

KCHOW

KCHOW

...and with that, the writhing beast slumped over, smoke oozing out from its skull on account of having its brain recently reduced to cinders. The two erstwhile adventurers reunited somewhere in between, both looking at the other like they had something to say that they really didn't want to say.

"Sooo..." Drake started, trailing off immediately.

"That seemed easy."

[Zack Fair]

The mere words caused both of them to flinch and brace themselves for the worst. They'd tempted fate, so they could only assume some horrific scenario was about to unfold before them. Instead, the only sound was that of the wind sweeping more ash through the air around them and the guttural moans that signified the last bits of air leaving the lungs of Drake's victim. It seemed they had used all of their bad karma on spontaneous combustion today.

They stood in silence, taking in the situation and silently assessing it. Had that really been it? Those riders matched the proximity to North Village and the rough description they had been given of the troublemakers. They couldn't check it against the reports from the Koopa Clan, as the papers had likely been destroyed in the previous battle. That was the thing about politics and world leaders, though. As long as someone paid the price, Bowser would probably be happy. Even if these weren't the immediately offending bandits, they'd probably caused the Koopas plenty of trouble over the years. They'd just report back on their success and let Bowser sort out the details.

"Huh," Drake vocalized the conclusion they were both mildly afraid to make. "Guess that's that."

Zack shrugged, returning the Buster Sword to it's place on his back. He was ready to get back, and Drake clearly had some additional business with the Koopas beyond this adventuring party. Zack hadn't milled on it too much, not since the man came crashing down onto their skiff, or even after he abruptly pleaded for Bowser's aid in dealing with something or another. Come to think of it, he didn't know a damn thing about his one armed friend here, other than he had been pretty cool with Colonel. Then again, he didn't know much about Colonel, either. Or Miranda. It had been a hell of a few days.

He looked around, and so did Drake. Zack scratched his head for a moment, and his one armed companion kicked a rock. It was like a light bulb went off in Zack's head all of a sudden. Oh yea, it was on him to take care of the transport. Just another prime perk.

Zack strolled over to the ruined clown car. It had been maimed pretty badly during the battle, but it was nothing a little Omnilium couldn't fix. Zack grabbed the vehicle and pulled it upright, taking note of all the damage to it. Really, he should create a vehicle either he or Drake were more familiar with, but he'd want one thing and Drake would want another. He might get Drake's schematics wrong, and it would just get political. This would get them back to the castle, and probably through any other encounters that might stir up on the way back.

It took a few minutes, but eventually the clown car was as good as new. Zack stepped back and kept his hands up, releasing it but also remaining prepared to grab it if it began to tip over. This was thankfully not a problem, as it hovered there with it's ridiculously undersized propeller. Zack tilted his head and lowered his hands, then glanced to Drake. Better get the hell out of here before this plateau exploded into lava like every other place in the Steppes.

"All aboard."

[Tearen Wover]

The ride back to Bowser's palace was largely uneventful, if you consider a ride in a bulbous reverse helicopter over fields of active volcanism uneventful. It did give Drake a pretty good excuse to just kinda zone out and listen to his the music on his UNI device, which was currently on a shuffle of some of Pavarotti's greatest opera bloopers. His ex-girlfriend, on-and-off, rival love interest but-not-really...Izzy...had always asked him where he even found this shit. The response had always been that someone needed at least a four year degree in internet insomnia to locate items of this nature, but the reality was that he had been too drunk at the time to remember.

Oh, wait there was this one thing that happened!

About half way back, two howling TIE Fighters came cruising down out of the clouds, their ion jets causing crackling streams of lightning in the ash laden air. Drake had never known that TIE Fighters had loudspeakers equipped on them, but was educated in the matter when Drake and Zack were asked to land their vehicle and submit for inspections. Zack shot the smuggler and accusatory glance, but Drake just shrugged like a dirtbag and offered a very punchable grin.

I mean, he had known that they were flying over an Empire supply line and stuff, but who was seriously going to flag them down? Look what they were flying for fuck's sake. Buuuut apparently the gambit hadn't paid off. A few minutes they were on the ground, with the pair of TIE Fighters landing just a short ways away. The two black-garbed imperial pilots approached them, blaster rifles pointing directly at their chests. As Drake vaulted out of the clown car, Zack made a move for his ridicufuck sword, but Drake held up a hand before beckoning the badass mulleteer to his side.

"Your flight path strayed over an Empire convoy. State your business and destination." the rightmost storm trooper said through a crackling vox box. Zack opened his mouth in preparation to, probably, give an honest answer, but that was likely going to land them in a detention cell for a week until the paperwork got lost and they were consigned to indentured servitude. Drake held up a hand and offered a wide grin.

"Aww you know guys. Just two lonely men out on the Steppes trying to find the nearest place to shack up. And by shack up I do mean make love to each other vigorously, that was actually a euphemism. Yup." Drake said as Zack's eyes simultaneously scrunched up and widened (impressive). The troopers didn't say anything for a second, so Drake pressed the offensive by offering the SOLDIER a hearty whack on his backside. The dark haired immediately wheeled around and smashed his fist into Drake's face, knocking the smuggler a few feet back into the dust. The stormtroopers gestured with their rifles and barked angrily.

"Hands on your heads! Don't move!"

Drake got up, chuckling, as he held his hands up. He shrugged his shoulders and offered a knowing wink at the pilots.

"Women. What can I say? Anyway yeah, me and Mr. Right over here been jonesin' for a bonesin' for like, fuckin' hours, so we really need to find somewhere to set down, and figured one of those Koopa joints would work. You know how it goes."

"N..." was all the right trooper managed to squeak out before Drake kept his gums running.

"So yeah, sorry we flew over your trucks or whatever. Hey...you uh..." Drake lowered his voice, looking over his shoulders at the crowd that wasn't there.

"You guys...wanna come with? This thing seats four, and..."

"Just get out of here!" the trooper on the left finally screamed, waving his rifle up and to the left.

"I'm serious, it's no big dea-"

"I SAID GO!"

...

So anyway, yeah. Later when Drake and Zack touched down at Bowser's castle and they had passed through the giant stone jaws, Drake glanced over at the SOLDIER, who hadn't said a word to him since the encounter.

"Thanks for not taking my head off back there; I think the punch really sold it." Drake said, knowing fully that this particular instance of getting decked in the face was completely honest. Zack scrunched up his eyes again.

"I...ugh...nevermind." Zack grumbled as the pair made their back into the throne room, having actually been invited this time. Still, their ass cheeks involuntarily clenched as they passed over the threshold where Miranda and Colonel had up and vanished. Couldn't let stuff like that distract them right now, however. Drake was in the zone again.

And by zone, that means, that thing where he makes an ass of himself.

"Yo! Koopa King!" Drake shouted, sauntering into Bowser's chambers. The giant turtle was backlit, as usual, by an immense lake of lava. He didn't look happy.

"Big nerve walking back in here after stealing all my stuff." Bowser growled, his claws digging ragged gouges in the arms of his throne. Drake immediately threw up his arms in exasperation.

"Fuckin...Steve SAID we could take it!" Drake shouted. One of Bowser's attendant guards to their left suddenly piped up, his little turtle eyes going all slanty.

"My name is NOT...STEVE." he shouted.

"Shut up Steve!" Bowser roared, causing Steve to nearly retreat back into his adorable little red shell.

"Yeah, Steve. Did you even check out that brick I was talking about? God..." Drake said, shaking his head before turning back to Bowser. The King looked a little more angry than Drake had been anticipating. Was he really that torn up about the stuff they took? They brought it all back! Then, out of nowhere, Bowser grabbed a remote control and pressed giant, stupid red button on the center of it. A big screen framed in wrought iron with dragon motifs (ugh) descended from the ceiling. A video began to play, showing a Koopka settlement getting burned by fire that was coming from the mouths of dudes riding on dragons. Both Zack and Drake wore flat expressions.

"That..." Bowser said, waving his stubby arm in a circle, "...was twenty minutes ago. A little while after you killed that little group of raiders. Seems they were looking for revenge after you took out their friends." Bowser said, his voice worryingly benign. Drake pursed his lips. Honestly, it wasn't their problem that the dragon riders had had more people in their group, and that they immediately went into bloody revenge mode. Bowser had even been the one to give them the green light on this little sortie! The smuggler was beginning to feel a little set up, but he needed to play along for now.

"So we gotta kill those guys too?" Zack said, piping up. He was a little too eager sounding. It was creepy.

"You gotta kill those guys too. But more importantly, kill their leader. He's not stupid though. You'll need a way to draw them out." Bowser said, clicking the tips of his claws together in a steepled fashion. Drake was feeling like more a sucker every minute, but he might still be able to turn this into a win for the Institute. Besides, he had an idea...

"Alright King Koopa, we'll off the bandit leader. But hey you know what?" Drake asked, his tone getting a little surly. Bowser paused for a moment before rising from his throne and slowly stomping towards the two of them. He got within smelly breath distance before staring down at them, fire flaring ever so slightly from his nostrils.

"What." he breathed. Drake was a little intimidated. He had to be honest. But he was also a piece of shit, and no amount of mortal danger would ever change that.

"I think these dragon riders would be less of a problem if there were less...y'know...dragons. Overall." Drake said, opening his arms wide. Bowser ground his teeth slightly, and let out a low growl that made Drake's gun hand (well his only hand) twitch a little bit towards his plasma gat.

"Alright pipsqueak. You take out the bandit leader and I'll seriously think about lending some troops to offing Volvagia." Bowser said, poking a single claw into Drake's chest. The smuggler was pretty sure he was now bleeding, but it didn't matter; he'd gotten what he wanted. Now he just had to see if Zack would go for it.

As the pair exited the throne room, the immense doors booming shut behind them, Zack turned to Drake with a thin lipped grimmace. He was obviously still pissed, but curious.

"So what's your plan then?" Zack said, folding his arms. Drake instantly reached into his satchel and withdrew his UNI device. After scrolling through a few Omni Tweets, the smuggler presented Zack with a look at an email from the Headmaster. The SOLDIER read it over and rose an eyebrow at Drake. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Drake was planning.

"You seriously think it'll be okay to use this convoy thing as bait?" Zack said, giving the handheld device back. Drake shrugged his shoulders, which Zack responded to with a sigh.

Seemed about right.

[Zack Fair]

Headmaster? Uhh…what?

Drake didn’t seem to be the type to seek continued education, but apparently he was enrolled in something called “the Institute.” Kind of ominous, but whatever. Zack might have understood a little bit more about it if he’d continued to read, but he only made it a few sentences into the email before becoming bored and handing it back to the smuggler. He was, however, much less interested in this whole endeavor now that he knew he was actually helping Drake with his homework. Still, Zack didn’t plan on seeking a degree in anything at the moment, but if he changed his mind later on, he’d like to think he’d get some credit hours for all of this. He’d have to ask Drake about that later.

Just thinking of school work exhausted him. He’d much rather have his feet kicked up in the back of that clown car while he browsed through OmniTwitter and OmniYoutube while Drake piloted them towards the next opportunity to test his combat abilities against Omniphysics.

Fast forward a few minutes, and that was exactly what he was doing. Drake apparently knew where he was going, so Zack was beyond content to simply ride along. Every so often, the right gust of wind would blow some ash into the clown car, but he was beyond used to the stuff being simply everywhere at this point. It would take dying and (hopefully) respawning at the Nexus to truly purge himself of this gunk, and even then he was sure it would find a way to keep showing up.

The situation seemed a bit odd. Drake, his principal, and now apparently Zack were aligned with the Gorons, but the question was whether or not the Gorons would go for being bait in order to help the Koopas. He didn’t know anything about the relationship between the Koopas and the Gorons, but benevolence and charity were a rarity in politics, and not to mention pro bono? It was all but nonexistent at that point. He decided he’d just let Drake keep running his mouth when they got there. The smuggler was pretty good at that.

Evidently Drake did know where he was going, because it wasn’t terribly long before they were descending on a caravan of Gorons that were transporting a whole bunch of ore. The clown car came the closest it could to landing, hovering mere inches off the ground with its propeller spinning furiously underneath it.

Drake quickly dismounted, while Zack stared in awe at the members of the convoy. They were giant golems. Literally, from top to bottom, they were enormous rock people. There were monsters like them in his home world, but these seemed to be totally civilized, given that the leader simply crossed his arms and looked warily at Drake. Zack resisted every urge to bring his hand up and rest it on the Buster Sword. It was instinct to want to draw it as fast as possible, but he decided he’d better not show any sign of aggression.

“Koopa…friends?” the lead Goron asked, tilting his head in confusion. Humans with the very unique technology of Bowser’s kingdom was not a common sight. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re with you,” Drake said, producing the same phone with the same email and producing it like it was a badge or something.

The Goron took the phone and squinted as he tried to read it. Even though he got a few important sentences, he attempted to tap it and increase the size of the text. This immediately resulted in a shattered screen, causing the Goron to flinch and look around awkwardly, while Drake’s face sank for a moment. Zack suppressed a laugh, but then nodded in acknowledgment when Drake turned and looked right at him. He’d use a little prime magic and fix it up later.

“Very well, brothers,” the Goron said as he handed the destroyed phone to Drake, who pocketed it with a grumble. “What do you need?”

“We think a group of bandit raiders are going to attack this convoy,” Drake said, while Zack crossed his arms behind him and listened.

“What makes you say that?” the Goron curiously replied.

“Well, uh, because they’re after us,” Drake admitted. “And now we’re pretty easy to find.”

The Goron tilted his head in alarmed confusion. “Then, why did you…?”

“Look, this is in motion,” Drake interrupted. “They’re already around here, and we’re big sitting targets, now.”

“Uhh…”

Zack uncrossed his arms and moved up next to Drake, at that point. These poor Gorons would trying to figure this out all day, understandably.

“It’s just a slight detour, guys,” Zack chipped in. “We’ll have you back on your way shortly.”

“Alright,” the lead Goron gave a nod as he looked between the two. “What’s the plan?”

[Tearen Wover]

Plan...plan...Drake swore he knew that word from somewhere. Oh yeah! Floorplan, like how a house is going to be built! JK, Drake totally had a plan. It was a habit that had helped keep him alive for so long back in his native environment. He was kind of like Batman in that regard, but more drugged up and better dressed.

One of those was a lie.

Aaanyway, plan.

Drake tapped away on his phone for a minute or two before tucking it away and grinning up at the Goron.

"Oh, you know, I just laid a bit of bait for the uh..." Drake trailed off, gesturing at the rest of the caravan as it lurched along on its massive lizard monsters. "...bait. The dragon riders will show up eventually, we just have to be ready for when they do."

"Ready how?" the lead Goron asked in his gruff voice. Drake shrugged.

"I dunno, get your punching hands ready. I'm sure you'll figure it out." the smuggler said with a fake chuckle, patting the Goron on his beefy arm. God, what a shit show. But, at least the only thing to do now would be to wait for the dragon bandits to shown their ugly faces...

...

...and show them they did...almost a day and a half later. By this point, Zack was clearly going out of his mind with boredom, so much so that Drake had counted him doing nearly a thousand squats. Was that what it took to be able to jump seven stories on one leap? If that was the case, then no thank you. Drake wouldn't be surprised if the SOLDIER hadn't chafed his nuts off.

Anyway, at some point, the rear caravan watchman hollered, saying that there was new movement in the clouds. Drake wheeled around to spot about a dozen dragons wheeling in and around the ash clouds to their six o'clock high. Slightly more than Drake had been expecting, but he guessed that was why it had taken so long for then to show up. Mustering that many raiders must have-

Drake paused mid thought as another call came from the front of the Caravan, over one hundred feet away. More dragons were coming in, about twice as many as had been spotted to the rear. Okay, so now this was starting to get worrying. As the smuggler squinted at the incoming flock, however, there was something else. Something massive behind an ash cloud the bandits were all riding through. Then it emerged, streamers of umber ash trailing from its massive wings. Its double jawed head roared triumphantly as pumped its immense wings through the choking air. Atop the ridge of its head, which in and of itself was like a fortified wall of battlements, there rode a single man on not a saddle, but a throne. A throne made of skulls and scrap metal. The sound was unbelievable, and Drake didn't even have the breath to crack a joke.

He was suddenly aware that everyone was staring at him. Well. If ever there was a time to keep a stiff upper lip...

"I MAY have miscalculated this." Drake shouted, drawing his dinky little plasma squirt gun.

[Zack Fair]

These Gorons were a bit torn. They were a loyal race, and they were following Darunia’s orders anyway. This Nealaphh being had come through on its word so far, so there was little reason to question their instructions. These two humans apparently represented its interests, but they seemed to have a lot less finesse about it. It was a confusing situation.

They continued to wait for Drake to bark out a plan, or orders, or something. The tense moment was broken by Zack springing to action. Offering no attempt at communication or coordinated planning, the stir crazy former SOLDIER leaped directly at the gigantic what-ever-the-fuck dragon the bandit overlord was riding. A beast like this was something a little bit more his speed, and he was happy to get a real challenge, as terrifying as this creature looked. Not to mention that for as fearsome as this monster seemed, the man who had tamed it must be that much more.

Appropriately, Zack didn’t make much headway with his direct assault. The head honcho’s dragon gave a powerful swat at the airborne, approaching warrior. Zack shifted his massive sword to his left side in time to attempt prevent the claw from hitting him directly. Though he successfully put the weapon between himself and the dragon, it didn’t prevent him from being flung violently through the air in a completely new direction.

Zack hit the ground on his back, and immediately continued to slide in the direction his momentum carried him. At some point he managed to swing his legs around and do a backflip, landing on his feet but still continuing to slide by his boots for a few more yards. He was a bit stunned by that fairly rough landing, even if he’d saved it with a little bit of grace.

More importantly, several of the jockeys riding the smaller dragons had decided (or perhaps been ordered) to quickly deal with the guy brazen enough to charge head on against absurd odds. Zack clutched the Buster Sword and held it ready as they closed in. He hadn’t intended to reserve a sizable portion of their attackers for himself, but hopefully it would let Drake and the Gorons work a little bit easier. At the front of Zack’s mind was still the leader, so he’d clear through his attackers in a hurry and get back to work on the big dude. At least that was the plan.

Zack spun the Buster Sword around a few times for good measure as a collective of dragons descended upon him. Now wasn’t the time for restraint. They might have bit off a little more than they could chew, so now it was simply time to win.

With that in mind, Zack stepped forward and stabbed the sword violently at the nearest foe. The closest dragon was trying to bite down on him, but the tip of the Buster Sword instead ripped through the side of its mouth. The dragon bucked and roared in agony, throwing its rider from the saddle in the process. Zack continued with a smooth follow through, and drew the Bolt Materia in his left hand at the same time. He made a half turn and fired a bolt of lightning into the chest of the recovering jockey, knocking him off his feet and causing him to drop his spear.

Zack turned his attention to the next dragon, which had landed and was attempting to bite down on him as well. He brought the Buster Sword up and caught it in the beast’s descending jaws. The monster tried to shake the sword free of Zack’s grip, but the warrior held on tight. At the same time, he knew the others were coming, so he turned and fired the Bolt Materia at another dragon that was getting too close. The electricity was nowhere near enough to KO the beast, but it made it stop and think twice, which was the valuable time Zack needed. He turned and pointed the Materia at the rider of the dragon that had the Buster Sword and fired another bolt, removing this bandit from his mount, as well.

Realizing he needed to keep moving, or risk being overwhelmed, Zack ripped the sword from the dragon’s jaws and sent teeth flying everywhere. He then gave a powerful jump and sailed through the air backwards, putting away the Bolt Materia when he did. He turned mid-jump to see another rider closing in on him, and swung the Buster Sword in a powerful slice that cleaved straight through the dragon’s upper skull and its jockey’s torso.

Zack landed a fair distance away and hooked the Buster Sword to his back. The dragons all began to pursue him, but at least this time they were coming from the same direction. He held his hands out and concentrated briefly, summoning the ridiculous Koopa gun that he’d looted from the armory and subsequently used Omnilium to store. He wasn’t one for firearms, typically, but this one was too much to resist trying out.

He got the rifle in his hand with plenty of time to spare, so he shouldered it and looked down the sight at the approaching horde. Just because he didn’t prefer guns didn’t mean he didn’t have any skill with them, as he trained himself with all weapons available in the Shin-Ra armory. So he fired round after round, picking off the occasional jockey but mostly hitting the dragons. It took several well placed rounds to bring down a dragon, and even more than one to take down the riders. He’d attribute it to armor.

He dropped the empty magazine and replaced it with a new one, taking a few steps back as he did. The section of the horde that had decided to deal with him had been thinned to just two remaining dragons, so he let go of the gun and let it vanish. He’d revisit that weapon later, because he could certainly get used to it. For now, he once more pulled out his tried and true sword. He side stepped and slashed a large chunk out of one dragon, causing it to flip and crush its rider on impact. Not exactly planned, but a welcome bit of good luck.

Zack zeroed in on the final dragon and leaped right at it. The beast snapped upwards at him, but Zack sailed right over its head and descended on the rider. He stabbed downwards and pierced the man’s chest with his enormous sword, pulling him straight off the saddle. The dragon continued onwards while Zack and the unfortunate jockey hit the ground and the Buster Sword stabbed into the rocky ground, pinning the already dead man to the earth.

Zack ripped the sword out, and ignored the other sounds of battle around him. He’d thinned the herd enough, now it was time to try his luck with the big dude again. Firmly gripping the Buster Sword, he ran towards him, this time jumping at him from behind and hoping to take the element of surprise.

[Tearen Wover]

Drake just kind of...stood there as the battle raged around him. Zack was obviously enjoying himself, and had already offed like...what? Five? Six dragons? Was anything a challenge for the mullet man? Meanwhile, the Gorons were keeping the remaining horde at bay with a seemingly endless supply of bombs. It almost reminded Drake of anti-air flak, as the explosive spheres burst in mid air, injuring and deflecting dragons left and right.

And there he was with his tiny little gun. With a sharp sigh, Drake shoved the plasma derringer back into his satchel and clambered back into the clown car. Once seated, he leaned forwards on the dashboard, taking in the entire scene. Thirty to thirty five dragons with riders, most armed with spears and stuff like that. One gigantor über-fuckoff dragon with a man the size of a mack truck riding around on its head. Twenty Gorons chucking bombs, rocks, whatever the hell they could. The dragons' primary weapon, their fire breath, had an almost negligible effect on the Gorons' rocky hide if at all, so the only real threat were the riders' arsenal, which required them to get in close.

Drake became aware of movement to his right, and spotted a rogue rider with a beefy looking steedy baring down on him, jaws wide open. Drake casually mashed the ridiculous eject button on the console and was launched thirty feet into the air. Yes, he did indeed clench his butt when the dragon whooshed past beneath him. Once he landed back in the clown car with a thud, Drake let out a long sigh and pulled two ear buds out of his satchel.

With everything going on, there wasn't much time to be a wise ass.

It was time to get serious.

As the music began to wind its way up, reverberating through Drake's skull, the smuggler kicked the Clown Car into maximum and rocketed off directly towards the big guy. The giant, plucked turkey-beast had landed a few moments ago, and was lumbering towards the front of the caravan. Drake raised an eyebrow as he took note of the fact that all of the other dragon riders had now cleared a large swath in the airspace over the caravan. Even though he couldn't hear his own words, Drake screamed for the Gorons to take cover, just as a wicked green light began to gather within the lower maw began to gather at the back of its throat. It was all Drake and the rock men could do to dive out of the way as a caustic blast of glowing, flaming ichor surged out of the giant abomination's mouth. Almost the entire wagon train was obliterated in an instant as the blazing goo began to eat down through the metal frames. Drake pursed his lips, wheeling the clown car around after having veered out of the way of the blast. On a whim, Drake pulled out his UNI and did a quick geiger scan.

Oh goody.

The big one spat radioactive fire acid.

Well, at least the Gorons seemed to be okay for now. Two of the giant dragon's six eyes tracked Drake's movement as he whirled around behind its giant crest. From here Drake could see how the ridiculous throne had been mounted atop this creature's skull: It had been straight-up bolted in place. There was no way he, as a secondary, could conceivably hurt this creature, so it stood to reason that its true weak point was the guy riding on it, though...

Drake wasn't sure he could hurt that guy either. But he could do one thing.

Annoy the hell out of him.

Bringing the clown car around to the front of the throne, Drake looked at the shadowed face of its rider. The smuggler knew the look that the immense, armor clad bandit held in his eyes. It was the look of a nihilist. Someone who had long ago refused to make sense of the world and chose to simply carve their name in it.

It was the look Drake wore on his face every day.

But anyway, he pulled down his pants and waved his ass in the dude's face.

The big guy responded by standing up, and now Drake could see for the first time what the bandit leader's...fuck it...king's weapon was. A giant, polished gatling gun jutted out from his pelvis, where the king's gentleman's affair should have normally been. An ammo feeder snaked its way out from behind his back, like a brass, segmented tail. The smuggler's expression sank, and was able to cut power to the clown car's rotor just before being blasted to smithereens by the bandit king's lethal, whirling codpiece. Drake caught the clown car's fall right before it slammed into the abomination's lower snout, and the smuggler was greeted by a blast of hot air as the mouth opened cavernously. Great sloughs of gooey saliva spilled from its teeth as another green glow began to gorge its way to the top of the dragon's throat.

This was where Drake came into his own.

Leaning the clown car forwards with all his might, the tiny orb shot off to the dragon's right, causing the clueless behemoth to turn its head as a giant fountain of glowing death sprayed from the toothy maw. The giant, arcing line of acid immediately caught three dragon riders in its path, painting a giant stripe across the black, charred landscape.

So maybe Drake couldn't cut dragons in half like Zack, but it was something.

[Zack Fair]

With a short leap, Zack descended on the tail of the massive beast. He caught the end of the massive appendage, being forced to grip it in a tight bear hug. The tail wagged furiously and the ex-SOLDIER could only hold on for dear life at first. Each opportunity he could get, he reached up and moved himself slightly further up the tail. He was able to progress easier and faster as he got close to the base, and finally had no trouble pulling himself up to a kneel. From there he was able to stand up and sprint up the beast’s back.
 
He closed in on the bandit lord just as Drake finished redirecting the dragon’s attack into some of the smaller ones in the vicinity. With the bandit king distracted, Zack was able to rapidly approach with little concern. It wasn’t until the very last second that the man heard him, and quickly spun around to meet his attacker.
 
Zack caught the man’s right wrist in one hand, preventing him from attacking with the large dagger he was gripping. Zack also brought his left hand down, placing it on the gatling gun and forcing the barrel to point at the ground and between his legs, so that he wouldn’t be shot. It was then that he took the time to realize what that gun was attached to, or rather replacing. Did it seriously go to his…?
 
Gross.
 
The bandit lord seemed to be contemplating the awkwardness of this moment as well, but he got his bearings back a little bit faster. The man suddenly slammed his scale and metal helmet into Zack’s forehead, the head-butt having more than enough force to send the SOLDIER reeling away. Zack held his skull in agony as he regained his footing. At least he didn’t fall over, given the already trying task of staying balanced on a moving, flying monster.
 
The bandit lord let out a maniacal laugh, then balled his fists and swung his body forward in a thrusting motion. This coincided with the steady stream of ammunition exiting his ballistic appendage. Zack would have been impressed with the obviously rehearsed timing, but he was too busy scrambling to get behind the massive throne. Fortunately, it served as good cover, so while the rounds pelted the other side of it he was able to draw the Buster Sword in one hand and his Fire Materia in the other.
 
He took a moment to take a breath and find his center. This entire situation had gone absolutely haywire in no time at all. Truth be told, it still felt like yesterday that he was riding towards Midgar and bullshitting around with a comatose man. Life had a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. So did the afterlife, or the extended second life, or whatever the hell this was.
 
Shaking his head to refocus, and now smiling in amusement from his contemplations, Zack began to materialize a fireball in front of the Materia as he came around the side of the throne that was taking the least amount of fire. He extended his arm forward and released the fireball in the direction of the bandit leader, who did not see the ranged attack coming in the slightest. The fireball collided with his chest and gave a small burst that sent him reeling backwards, this time. The king let out a scream of agony (and pleasure? Weird.) as he stepped backwards.
 
Zack pocketed the Materia and closed the gap as fast as he could. His first act upon reaching striking range was to bring his left foot up and give a powerful forward kick to the giant machine gun’s side. This spun the bandit king around and allowed Zack a free slice at his exposed back, which the ex-SOLDIER happily took.
 
Though the bandit screamed in pain, Zack never saw blood. This dude had to be some crazy freak of nature. The bandit abruptly turned to face him again and the machine gun hit Zack in the side of the leg, causing him to flinch in pain from the force of that blow. Zack responded with a powerful sucker punch from his left fist to stun the king, then drove the Buster Sword straight down. The blade went right between the rotating barrels of the bandit’s crotch gun and stabbed into the scaly head of the dragon.
 
Zack and the bandit king both looked down, neither one able to believe that had worked. Not only was the bandit lord stuck in place, but his best weapon was unable to spin and therefore disabled. Zack snapped back to the situation and grabbed the sword he’d looted from the Koopas off his belt. Zack held the handle up and fireball after fireball began to materialize and stack upon each other, and soon the ex-SOLDIER had enough of them on top of one another to serve as a blade. His first act with his new and unique weapon was to drive it into the heart of the bandit lord. The man gasped in pain and stopped fighting, but again, there was no blood.
 
Hoping he’d killed the bandit, Zack ripped the Buster Sword and Fire Bar Saber out. He deactivated the Fire Bar Saber and returned it to his belt, but still held the Buster Sword as the bandit king fell from the head of the dragon. Hopefully that was all there was to him.
 
Next up was the dragon itself. It hadn’t even noticed the Buster Sword stabbing into its head a moment ago, but Zack could fix that. He stood in the center of the beast’s head, where his best estimate of its brain was. Then, with one powerful movement, he drove all six feet of the Buster Sword’s blade straight down, so that only the handle was protruding from the scales.
 
The dragon felt that one. It roared in pain, but it did not drop dead like Zack had hoped. Zack realized that the bolts that mounted that throne to the dragon, not five feet behind him, might actually be longer than his chosen sword. Zack realized what a terrible mistake he’d made. The beast began thrashing and flailing, and then took off on a rampage around the battlefield. Anything to make the pain stop.
 
The only thing Zack had going for him was that he still had the handle of his sword protruding from the monster's skull, so he just held while he went for the ride of his life.

[Tearen Wover]

Drake whirled the clown car around to survey the damage that had been wrought within the past thirty seconds. The smuggler squinted as he spotted Zack's ragdolling form getting flung around on top of the fuck-off dragon's head like a goddamn tassle on a fez. Heh. Dragon fez.

But now was no time for ruminating on the possibilities of Turkish draconic headware! This giant bastard had to be taken down before any of the Gorons got hurt. If that happened, relations between Nealaphh and Darunia would get really bruised. Drake had already overstepped his boundaries using them as bait. C'mon Drake, think...

Drake's thinking was interrupted by a loud roar to his right, as another dragon came swooping down at him. With a weary sigh, the smuggler whipped his derringer out of his pocket and cracked off a snapshot at the beast's rider. 

"Oh fuck off!" he screeched as the bolt of green death slammed right into the rider's neck, causing the armored man to slump in his saddle and drag the beast down to the black rock below. The comparatively small dragon let out a horrendous roar of surprise and anger as it's neck snapped against the volcanic substrate. Huh. Well that worked out well. Drake tilted his head, watching the flailing beast for a moment.

Come to think of it, Drake had only seen the super dragon roar from its smaller, top mouth. It only seemed to be breathing from that mouth as well. Maybe the big one that shot radioactive fire acid was meant only for that purpose. Perhaps to protect its vital organs from being disintigrated every time it wanted something dead. 

Oh...this was a bad idea.

Drake put his little Fischer Price copter into gear and zoomed down towards the Gorons below, very conscious of the thrashing behemoth just a few dozen yards away. Zack's yelps and shouts were only vaguely audible over the sound of battle. Drake pulled up alongside the Goron caravan boss, who gave him a dirty look.

"Nice going, bro." the chief grumbled, chucking a primed bomb flower up at an incoming bandit. 

"Oh shut up. I need all of your bombs."

"...come again?"


"Your bombs. The round explodey things. I need them."

The Goron gave Drake a hard look.

"If we give up our bombs, we'll be sitting cucco."

"If you don't give me your bombs, you'll be cooked cucco."

Cucco was a bird right? Drake was pretty sure it was a bird. Whatever it was it was probably edible. Yeah. Owned. The Goron Chief let out a low, gut quaking grumble.

"...fine. But where are we supposed to put them?"

"In here." Drake said, gesturing at the empty floor space in the clown car. The Goron furrowed his stoney brow.

"That seems-"

"Like a bad idea. I know! Just do it!" Drake said pointing his dinky little plasma gun at another incoming dragon rider and blowing a hole in the beast's throat. Holy shit, what was going on with his aim right now. Was it like that whole Robin Hood thing where if you thought too hard about aiming you'd be bad at shooting? Or was that from that blue monkey movie; the one with the space marines and the hair sex. Was he getting that backwards. Maybe it was from both.

Suddenly Drake looked down and realized that the clow car had suddenly been crammed with well over a hundred bombs. For big guys, the Gorons sure worked fast. Then a bomb hit him in the face. Oh. Yeah they were just chucking them in here like fucking Kobe on the three point line. Drake nodded slowly before turning back to the Goron chief.

"I also need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle."

"I don't...what?"

Instead of responding like a normal person, Drake cranked the clown car's engine into top gear and forced the overburdened sack of shit up to where Zack continued to be flung around. The über dragon's gleaming yellow eyes were stretched wide as it tried and failed to dislodge the ex-SOLDIER. 

"Hey! Hey Zack!"

It took a moment for the mullet to respond.

"What!?"

"I need you to pull out!"

"...what?!"

"PULL OUT ZACK! I SAID PULL OUT!"

With an audible grunt/groan, Zack wrenched the buster sword out of the beast's head, bringing a spray of black blood with it. The super soldier balanced precariously on the dragon's head as it gained its bearings.

"What now?!" Zack cried. Drake held up a single finger before pulling out his UNI device. The smuggler was vaguely aware of the fact that the giant death lizard was leveling its six-eyed gaze with the puttering, bomb sphere Drake found himself in.

"Uh...hang on! I need to send a text!" Drake said, typing furiously.

"DRAKE!"

"Done! I'll see ya later Zack!"

As if on cue, the dragon stretched its jaws open wide and let out an ear-shattering roar. Unfazed, Drake drove the clown car right down the dragon's upper throat. Zack's screams of protest were inaudible from within the beast's gullet. With a wry grin inside the slimy darkness, the smuggler jabbed a button on the clown car's console. This really was a terrible idea.

From his perch atop the now choking dragon's head, Zack continued to shout Drake's name, even as there came a momentous explosion from deep within the dragon's throat. The ex-SOLDIER wobbled dangerously on top of the things skull as it heaved a great, bloody cough and shuddered slowly to the ground. There was a long, drawn out gurgle from within the beast's throat, before everything was suddenly very still and quiet. The only motion that could be detected was the silent, gliding retreat of the few dragon riders that had survived...

[Zack Fair]

Zack barely kept his balance on the head of the dragon as it crashed to the ground. At the same time, Gorons scattered in every direction to avoid the crashing corpse of the hulking beast. Zack put away the Buster Sword and held his arms up to shield his eyes from the resulting ash cloud that kicked up in the aftermath. There was no visibility in the area for that short time period, which would have been something the remaining bandits could have used to their advantage had they not all been fleeing the area.
 
They weren’t Zack’s primary concern anymore. He had just watched Drake steer their strange little vehicle straight into the dragon’s mouth. The resulting explosion had undeniably killed it, obvious by the now motionless head he stood upon, but Zack’s mind was occupied with the fate of his ally.
 
“Drake! Drake, what the fuck!?”
 
Zack was normally a little more controlled with his speech, but if there was an appropriate time to drop an expletive, it was after witnessing a friend get intentionally devoured. The former SOLDIER dropped down from the monster’s head and looked it over. The resulting explosion had not done much damage to the dragon’s thick, scaly hide, which had likely been even worse for the beast since it contained the explosion to its innards. Of course, that also meant that Drake had taken the full brunt of the blast, as well.
 
He stepped back and sighed, seeing no breach in the skin of the dragon’s corpse. Zack put his hands on his hips and shook his head. Seemed pretty clear cut at this point, as much as it sucked to say. Their group had dwindled down to just Zack, putting him in the same predicament he’d been in when he first arrived in the Steppes. He was alone in an unfamiliar land again.
 
Almost.
 
A massive, rocky hand slapped at his back, but fortunately for him connected with only the Buster Sword, in its resting place. The force of the blow was still there, and it sent Zack forwards. He extended his hands and braced himself on the head of the dead dragon, then quickly turned around to see what had happened.
 
The Gorons stood there, smiling and celebrating. The leader hadn’t attacked him, but instead given him a joyous slap on the back. Zack blinked absently in confusion, but the lead Goron stepped forward and continued to grin.
 
“Well done, Brother!” the Goron leader proclaimed. “We were a bit unsure of your methods, given how you conducted yourselves, but you are worthy allies! We will tell our people all about the bravery and sacrifice the Institute showed for our people!”
 
Each Goron let out a victorious proclamation and held up tightly balled fists, apparently some sort of tribal celebration. Zack scanned the crowd incredulously, before mimicking their mannerisms.
 
“Yea,” Zack awkwardly replied. “Hooah.”
 
“Your companion showed great bravery. You should be proud to call him your friend!” the Goron continued, as they all dropped their hands to their sides.
 
“Great bravery. Yea,” Zack agreed, weakly. Sure didn’t sound like the Drake he knew. Barely knew, admittedly, but still. The guy clearly had some sort of greater plan in mind with such a ridiculous maneuver. Still, Zack cleared his throat and looked back to the Gorons. “You guys had better keep moving along.”
 
“Ah, I agree. We are behind as it is,” the leader nodded. All of the subtle hostility and distrust was gone. Zack was normally happy to meet people that could be reasoned with by friendly co-operation on a hostile battlefield, but this whole situation left him feeling a bit off.
 
Zack gave a simple wave as they began to pack their things. By the time Zack had summoned a fresh motorcycle with Omnilium, the Gorons had already begun to move out. With a final shrug as he surveyed the battlefield, Zack fired up the engine and began his trek back to the Koopa Castle.
 

 *****
 
 
The trip was a little bit more difficult and a lot more boring, but eventually Zack found himself back in the Koopa King’s throne room. It was strange with just him, as the absence of Miranda, Colonel, and Drake definitely stood out. But, that was life.
 
Bowser leaned back as Zack finished recounting the story, crossing his brawny arms as he looked down at the warrior. The massive overlord of this section of the Ashen Steppes seemed pleased enough, even if he appeared to be unable to make a facial expression that wasn’t a horrifying scowl.
 
“…And then I came back. And here we are,” Zack threw his hands up and shrugged again. “Don’t know if those are the bandits that attacked North Village, but they were some sort of important ones.”
 
“Bandits come and go, here,” Bowser spoke in his typical gruff tone. “At the worst, you destabilized a major force in the region. Even if they weren’t the ones, the message has been sent. I don’t say this often, but you have the thanks of the Koopa Kingdom.”
 
Zack gave a half-smile and a thumbs up. “All in a day’s work.” Or however long it had been.
 
“As we talked about before, I’ll confide with my most trusted advisor about…” Bowser began to speak.
 
Zack was already shaking his head. It was probably bad form to cut off a king, but he did it before he realized what he was doing. “Hey, look. I’m not enrolled at that university, or whatever.”
 
Bowser tilted his head curiously.
 
“I just ran into Drake during…” Zack paused, thinking about the circumstances of their meeting. “It’s a long story, but we just sort of happened upon each other with a shared goal for different reasons. I don’t really know what he was up to. Either way, that homework assignment isn’t my thing. I’m just playing in Omni’s sandbox.”
 
Bowser let out a chuckle at that last sentence, but then pondered in silence for a moment.
 
“If that’s the case, nomad…” Bowser began to speak, and then paused again as he wondered what was really going on in the Ashen Steppes these days. “…If that’s the case, then I invite you to stay near. Feel free to make yourself at home in my castle, for the time being. You seek conflict? Things may get very interesting here shortly.”
 
Zack gave the same half-assed salute he was known for in his own realm, from before the Omniverse. He then turned and made his way out the door, leaving King Bowser to his machinations. Drake and Bowser seemed to be conspiring towards chaos and battle, which was certainly something he could deal with a little more of, though he loathed to admit it. After all, that was what he was good at, and therefore the simple part of his life.
 
The Omniverse was a strange place. Zack was fairly certain he hadn’t seen the last of any member of his former traveling party. People seemed to have an odd way of turning up around here. So, for now, he’d find a bar, enjoy a stiff drink, and wait for the next bit of excitement. Hopefully he wouldn’t be sitting around for too long. Omni had promised him a continued life, so long as he continued to interest the deity. All he had to do was keep doing the only things he was good at. Fight and travel.
 
Fair enough.