Jak Mar Joins the Tourney! (C&C)

[Sasuke Uchiha]

This post was cool as it was a new perspective that we hadn't seen from this character. Jak has been around the block now and is no longer a stranger to the 'kill or be killed' theme of this tournament, thanks to DA. My biggest gripe when reading someone's adventures is that a lot of people forget to express their character's motive. Without it, none of your characters actions will make sense or feel real for the reader. Your motive was basic, but it was present and that is all that matters.

Right now Jak wishes to relive his glory days. He use to be a somebody in his own world and is now longing to make a name for himself here in the Omniverse. This is good and I hope that you work to continue fleshing this out.

The few things I found that needed correction could probably have been eliminated had you of read the post aloud. If you are not doing this, start. If something doesn't flow right when you read aloud, it won't flow right to the reader either.

Somethings can't be caught by reading it aloud though and you just have to look out for them. For example, there are some places in this post where you use a period that a comma would have been better suited. Basically any sentence you used but, should have had a comma instead of a period. That or you should have just cut the word 'but' from the sentence all together.

Jak had been a hero in his world, known to all as someone who could take down ANYTHING. with just a little help from his friends. But those innocent times were gone.

Place a comma here instead, or just take out the 'But' and start the sentence with 'Those' like this:

"... help from his friends, but those innocent times were gone."

or

"... help from his friends. Those innocent times were gone."

This happens a few times in your post and it can be distracting.

His thoughts bothered him. The last time he fought, he fought for his friends and allies. Those who supported him. But none of them were here... Torn was back in HQ, Daxter was missing, and it left him with who knows who in the Omniverse now.

Works better as: "The last time he fought, he fought for his friends and allies, those who supported him, but none of them were here... Torn was back in HQ, Daxter was missing, and it left him with who knows who in the Omniverse now."

Other than that, you have some typos that could have been found through proof reading. I can't stress the importance of proof reading enough. Without it you make typos like this:

Whereever

Which is just a silly typo. =P

Besides the few errors with grammar and sentence structure though, you still have a compelling post here. You've done a good job of giving us insight into the character and where he is headed in his development. Good stuff. =D

Sorry it was such a short C&C, hmu any other time and I'd be willing to give you more C&C. ^_^