Let's Read: Book Club #13

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Player Picks

• Snatched from Marvel ***Nominated by Deadpool***
  Three words: this is insane. The good kind. Read it. Oh yeah Deadpool, might want to get a Mature tag edited in at the top of your thread. Be warned there’s lots of the foul-mouthed merc going on in this; and the fourth wall being shattered. If that’s not your cup of tea, well too bad. In case it’s not clear: Deadpool is an awesome character. That is all.
  
  
• Search for Power
  ***Nominated by Atelos***
  A New Prime, Straizo, is forced to deal with the Horrors of the Pale Moors along with his own internal fears until a Darkshire regimen comes and saves him. However, little to his knowledge, his own fears and demons follow to Darkshire with them.
  
  
• The Last Avenger and the World of Omni: Raincheck
  ***Nominated by Atelos***
  
  
• Needless Carnage
  ***Nominated by Gildarts***

That’s all happy reading~

Blanket statement: I’m completely open to people suggesting not only their own topics but other players as well. In fact, I’d like it if everyone that participates to suggest a topic for the next club. I’d rather this be a ‘player’s’ choice sorta thing. That way more people will actually do comments and critiques because they picked out the topics in the first place.

So, yeah just post up your suggestions here with your comments and the like. Or you can pm them to me as well.

[Guilmon]

My first Book Club!

Snatched From Marvel: First off, let me say that Deadpool is one of my favorite Comic Book characters, so I was kinda biased going into this Topic. I have to say that I definitely enjoyed your take on the Merc with a Mouth. At first, I was kinda iffy about the Prologue and the "intellectual" Sabertooth, but throwing in Deadpool's tendency to break the Fourth Wall in both situations and allowing him to sorta explain stuff. I was practically splitting my face in two during the Mission at the beginning. When Deadpool was transported to the Omniverse, I feel like there was a bit more that could be done with him. However, since I don't have the mindset to play Deadpool at all, I doubt I would have done half as well as you have.

The Last Avenger and the World of Omni: Raincheck: I got up to Lubbock's first post before I grew too tired to continue reading I will try to continue later, but I work every night this week. Up until Lubbock's first post, however, I actually enjoyed reading this one. Sorry that I don't have much else to say. I can barely keep my eyes open...

[Darth Vader]

I'd like to nominate my own thread, Where caged Wolves lie for the next set of readings.

Snatched from Marvel
I had a LOT of fun reading this one, and since Deadpool is among my favourite comic book heroes (or anti-heroes, I guess in this case) it felt too much of an injustice to leave this out of my reading list.

I thought the inclusion of a prologue sequence was really good and fresh - I don't believe I've read any other pieces in the Nexus like this, in that regard. Some might have a few lines of prologue text before their characters are pulled into the Omniverse, sure, but you've a much more captivating read by taking a few posts to really set the scene and build the story up, as well as give the reader a first glance into the pure madness and insanity of Deadpool, for those who are unfamiliar with the character. Though the portrayal of Sabertooth was a bit incorrect and uncanon in some senses, you managed to break this up and make this more forgivable by shattering the 4th wall and outright stating this fact.

Speaking of your 4th wall breaking, might I just take a moment to pause and commend the style you do it in and your choice of character in general. I like how you use your writing persona as the guy who essentially "puppets" Deadpool along and progresses the story forward, which the character himself is completely aware of. Maybe I'm just fanboying a bit here, but Deadpool just generally is the perfect character fit for a setting like the Omniverse. His personality and craziness molds in so well with the chaos and hysteria of the world brilliantly, and I just love it.

I think you did his reaction to being pulled into the Omniverse pretty well. He was both wondering what the fuck just happened and casually breaking the 4th wall at the same time. Tells you he's seen some pretty crazy shit already.

I don’t fear anything, except for a fishy vajay-jay.

That one line on it's own got me.

I don't have much else to say for the next few posts. They were nice, though I do agree somewhat with Vergil that more could have been included or written. Still, it takes someone with a certain skill and mindset to write a successful Deadpool, and you've definantely got the right kind of mind for him. It was a nice read overall, a story that had me interested and intrigued yet laughing at the same time. Deadpool's certainly a character I'll be following from now on.

The Last Avenger and The World of Omni: Raincheck
I've been meaning to read this one for a long while now, since my own storyline and this one are planned to crash together at some point in the near future. I'm glad this one was nominated up, since it gave me even more incentive to get reading!

I think every character in this thread did a brilliant job. There's a lot of new primes there who get their time to shine, and older primes such as Mami are inevitably dragged down into the fray as the story continues. There's quite a few of you, so I think I'll try and give you all separate feedback on what I think of your writing.

Sasuke, I think you did an excellent job of carrying the thread through, and still are now. From our discussions over Skype, I can really tell this is a story arc you've taken a lot of care to weave and craft. In terms of how you did in this thread, though, I'm really impressed with how well you caught and captured the character of Sasuke. The tragic hero who doesn't give two shits about anyone else and is so intent on seeing his own goals meet an end. I also enjoyed greatly how you switched perspectives from Sasuke to your NPC, Arnold. You really allowed to reader to delve deep into this mans thoughts and conscious, and that's a good thing, since it gives an NPC character rather than making him a blank filler or plot device. It's something I really admire about the style you write in, since it gives characters much more flavour and taste and allows us as the readers to take a step back and see things from a different perspective than we have so far.

I felt Mami's presence here gave the plot something of a comedic relief. Her cheery and always optimistic attitude contrasted nicely to the more solemn and brooding personalities of characters such as Sasuke and Obito. I feel as though all the characters did nicely here, and were totally what made this thread so enjoyable and fun.

For those of you who are headed to Corucsant with Sasuke - I'm eagerly excited to begin writing with you all

Search for Power
I'll get on this one a little later, got some stuff on right now.

[Deadpool]

Search for Power

I must say, I enjoyed this thread more than I thought I was going to.

I really enjoyed how you well you were able to progress your story. There was a little backstory, a little build-up, and even a couple fights. Sometimes its difficult to make a quest/saga also flow with your own story, but you were able to do that quite effortlessly.

I liked how you dived into the character of some of the npc/secondaries you included in your posts. I came away feeling like a had a good sense of what type of people they were. People like Rumford. Also, I felt sad when when Cork died.

I liked how you integrated dialogue into your fights without it disrupting the flow too much as well. Sometimes that can be hard to do, especially since fights are supposedly fast paced.


You had some sweet opportunities to lay down some detail where you put things like:

Several hours and one boring trip later.

You could have made that entire a nice descriptive paragraph to lay foundation. Maybe an overview of how the trip went? idk, but I just felt a I ripped of an opportunity for a nice little layout there.



I'ma definitely try to keep myself updated on your character and his journeys. I look forward to seeing how his whole backstory n all play out.

[Proto Man]

I'd like to submit In Blackest Night, Specifically posts 25 to 32, for review.

"The sorcerer Shang Tsung and the (bipolar) Spartan warrior Atelos have become trapped in Silent Hill with the paladin Argento on a mission to discover the town's secrets, where it is believed that you can slip into a different verse. Shang Tsung and Atelos are separated when the latter is 'taken' by unseen forces, leaving Shang to navigate a twisted nightmare version of the town. Hunted by a changing building and a mute monster, Shang barely escapes into the town, where he reunites with Argento and tries to pursue leads about the hospital, where he knows a secret is hidden. Along the way, he starts to run into strange individuals with identity issues."

Ideally, I think someone should read the whole thread, but I just don't see anyone wanting to do that (I'll be realistic).

----

That said... Strazio, I tend to do Feedback as more a 'stream of consciousness' thing, so I apologize if this format isn't pleasing.

--

Oh shi--, first person. First person is that thing I sometimes would love to do, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it justice.

I like that you highlighted the hostility of the Moors as the first thing, rather than the gloom or the sadness. While the Moors are gloomy and sad, they’re also supposed to be a violent place as well, and it was nice that you made that your first post.

I’m not sure why you swapped to 3rd person in your second post, but it seems like that’s what you’re sticking with. I’ll say this now but make sure to keep an idea for tenses, because you have the common trait of mixing them up every now and again.

I like the field conscription scene, as it highlights the general apathy that I feel is probably very prevalent in Darkshire. While I liked the scene where they try and clean up the village (I’m curious if there’s more to this than ‘because it’s nice’), I thought that the transition to the attack was pretty out of left field. I know it’s the start of a new post and you can sometimes get away with that, but the transition could have been a little more efficient.

I immediately got that the giant creature was a Warcraft Abomination. I felt proud of myself.

I like the battle, although I find it amazing that Straz is still rockin’ (although I imagine at this point it’s probably his person). Also – Being impaled with a hook that’s then ripped through your flesh sounds positively f*cking brutal. Like game over if I was in that situation. But of course it wasn’t, because we’re talkin’ a prime who willingly came into the wilds of the Pale Moors.

While I wasn’t a fan of the scene ending some abruptly, I did like that he just passed the hell out. There wasn’t any pomp… he just fell over. I felt that was wholly appropriate given the quick succession of scuffles and battles.

I felt like you took an appropriate time to pepper in a little of Strazio’s backstory, but I also liked how you gave some time to the Sergeant. For a secondary, he has a pretty strangely detailed backstory, and I’m curious that he was just in and out of the story so quickly.

I liked the meeting with Dobson, but I thought it was strange that you opened up with a line about it being uneventful. As a reader, it seemed pretty eventful. I think this is one of those cases to bring up the whole ‘show, don’t tell.’ You could have conveyed the uneventfulness through the next few paragraphs, rather than just telling me up front it was uneventful and then going into detail anyway. If it was uneventful, I the reader should have been able to just skip it, but I needed to know what was going on.

While I liked the pretty pedestrian dialogue between Strazio and Dmitri, I’d argue that a guardsman of Darkshire isn’t going to be totting around a sniper rifle or have radios (although that could have just meant ‘relay information).

Ahh, first person again. You do this very well, and it’s always nice to get Strazio’s thoughts in his own words.

Again, I like how you’ve not balked away from dialing up the violence and the attacks, which was evidenced again with the giant bug monster. This was something that I would have liked to have done with my own stab at this quest, but we would up being pulled off to go ace monsters outside the town walls, rather than atop them. I’m beginning to think that Dmitri might be an outsider (at least he seems pretty modern with mannerisms and the references he makes).

One post later and yea, Dmitri’s a pretty cool dude.

I enjoyed the action with Nemesis. For some reason, I felt far more when Cork died than I think I should have for a character I only just met. I think it’s the whole ‘People feel sadder when animals die,’ since Cork had like, dog traits and was like a loyal pal. I like the interplay between Nemesis and Strazio – a sort of philosophical bout between Fear and Rage was well as two bruhs trying to kill each other.

I think one of the things you wrote that best described Strazio was in that last post, where he bits down on the inside of his mouth and puts on a smile. For some reason, that little sentence resonated with me. This man is an avatar of rage, and I feel like he’s going to have on stellar crusade to gain the strength he needs to rip open the doors to Dracula’s castle.

All in all – I did like the thread. Dmitri was a fun, anachronistic character to have in the Darkshire garrison, and I liked the small cast of characters. I feel like I should have known more about the characters that were already known to Strazio, but that may also be my fault for not reading your previous works. Also it didn’t pull me out of the reading, which is the important. You clearly have a backstory, but it’s not a giant canyon that would swallow up an unknowing reader.

Mechanics-wise, I’d just do the normal thing and make sure you check tenses.

I’d also like to know who you switched from 1st to 3rd person. Was your first thread in 1st or 3rd person?

[Sasuke Uchiha]

I would like to Nominate On The Run(Mami) and Hero Meets Unhappy Camper for next weeks Book Club.

Unfortunately I have been extremely busy and am currently behind on writing in my own thread, so I was only able to get one up, but I will try to get the others as well.

Search for Power:

Let me just start by saying that this was a great read. Good choice for nomination Atelos!

1st Person Vs 3rd Person:

The main problem people have when they come across work done in first person is the redundancy of all of the ‘I’s. That problem simply, doesn’t exist with your work. Normally work done in the first person bothers me to no end and constantly rips me from the story, but you’ve done a nice job of presenting it to me in a manner that I am not bothered in the slightest. Well done.

Simple error I caught:

“Welcome to the Pale Moors, place of desecration and darkness and death.”

Remove one of your ‘ands’ so that it reads,

“Welcome to the Pale Moors, place of desecration, darkness, and death.”

which I think you'll agree, flows better.

Awesomeness:
The bog creature you fought with reminded me of the Lord of the Rings scene outside the Dwarf catacombs through the mountain. Good choice in monster!

I reread your bio because your story intrigued me and I wanted to know more and I gotta say: Good stuff. Your character is ALOT like mine, so you’re A-OK in my book. (Go Batman complex characters! Wooo!) Also, you’re like a DBZ style Wizard and that’s just ‘Wtf Omg Badass’ originality I'd like to see more of around here.

1st Person Vs 3rd Person:

You have begun switching back and forth from first person to third person. This can become annoying as it can pull the reader away from the story, but as I said before, due to the smoothness of you execution in first person, I barely noticed and it wasn’t that bad.

Awesomeness:

The darkness/wraith enemy you encountered was cool. I love seeing mental powered foes that use telepathy style attacks. Like Atelos/Gilgamesh, you fight some really cool enemies. Right on, my dude.

At first I felt as though you jumped to helping the Darkshire guard to quickly as I didn’t see this as believable, however, you quickly made it believable by eluding to his achievements against the undead in his own world, making this seem to be the norm for your character. It was a nice save for me.

I like how you show us the rough times facing Darkshire with the burning of the slain guardsmen.
Of course, now you’re taking on a Sludge Belcher! Lol, awesome. <3

I like how the undead of Straizo’s world were different than what he was encountering here and that it took him out of his comfort zone.

Oh no, down goes Straizo. Good job. I would have felt it a little unbelievable if you had kept on trucking after all the action you had been through. Especially with the hook impaling you the way it did.

Rumford is from Diablo! Nice! The star falling from the sky and the dead rising tipped me off. ^_^

I like how you made mention of not having any proof for Dimitri. It wasn’t needed and wouldn’t be noticed if it wasn’t there at all, but I think it made the post better as it made me think, “o0o0o0o0oh, that’s right, Straizo didn’t need armor or weaponry” Good stuff ^_^

Straizo is so like Sasuke its nuts. Down to help out, but not if it means getting in the way of his own goals. Go anti-heros!

Bugs, it had to be bugs. Big ass centipede bugs lol

Nemesis is an even better enemy than all the rest! Loved his fear manipulation as it gave us great insight into the character, Straizo and thus was a great technique used by you, the writer. Also, way to keep introducing new and instant classic foes for your character to battle. Its definitely a strong point for you.

Oh no, Cork! We always instantly love the big guys, way to exploit that! Lol.

"Yeah, I know..." Strazio ambled over to the ladder and looked down "I'm going to get stronger Dmitri, next time you see me I'll be tearing the gates off Dracula's castle. Mark my words"

Sounds legit and it’s a nice long term goal to have. Woot, overall a very nice read and I am really proud I nominated you for Shining Star. I really know how to pick ‘em, ha!

[Vulre Oakenlimb]

Snatched from Marvel
While I am not a fan of Deadpool's randomness and the fact that he has rendered the fourth wall into a fourth hole, I did enjoy reading this piece. I am unfamiliar with marvel, but deadpool sent the tone quite nicely. Brooding, angsty characters, with a super powered narcissist enjoying himself at their expense. I felt that the onomatopoeia was slightly overdone, but I believe that the point was to emphasize Wolverine's constant use of his claws. All in all, I felt it was well done, and a good look into Deadpool's demented mind. Gingy was a nice touch, as well.

The Search for Power
The description, atmosphere, and actions were on-point. You did a masterful job of setting up the dark and oppressive tone of the Moors, showcasing the death and danger at every turn. The Moors seems like a collection of horror stories and nightmares merged together into one amalgamated abomination of terror. To be honest, the only point of contention I have with this tale is your dialogue, which felt stilted and forced at times. Aside from that, I felt like this was a masterful piece of work. Well done!

The Last Avenger and The World of Omni: Raincheck
Excellently done! Sasuke, you did setting the scene and progressing the plot. Although I felt that the Storm Troopers used some unnecessary profanity, which clashed with the initial world-weary veteran theme they had. Nonetheless, very well executed. I felt that Seraph's appearance was unnecessary in the thread, and that any prompts he offered were ignored. The interaction with Obito and Sasuke was nice, and I look forward to it being pursued in latter threads. Mami provided a mixture of comic relief and offering a relatively sane and unbiased perspective of the world. Finally, Lubbock. While your writing was great, I have just one critique. While the need to differentiate speakers is easily satisfied by colouring their text, it does not need to look like this. Pike some more muted tones in the future, please. Aside from that, stellar.

Needles Carnage
Well that was a jailbreak and a half. While I personally feel that you kicked a little too much ass for being level 2, I was swept along by your writing nonetheless. You displayed an obvious mastery of the written word, weaving a beautiful story in Costa Del Sol. The prison of Impel Down was made out to be an extension of the Empire's oppressive autocracy, but given some of the prisoners, it isn't wholly surprising. Your escape was well thought out, detailed, and had enough twists, turns, and betrayals to keep the audience interested at every point. While I kinda felt that defeating Usula while she was about to unleash world-ending magic is a little over dramatic, it did show that Gildarts possesed no small amount of power, and was very much inclined to use it in pursuit of the greater good.

In summary, WHY CAN'T I WRITE AS WELL AS YOU!? :orks:

[Doomguy]

Snatched From Marvel

This is one particular genre of writing that is the hardest, and that is Comedy. It's not enough to just writing an interesting story but know how to tickle your reader's funny bones. And you managed to do that very well. When I read through this the second time for this review, I was still getting chuckles from them. This is particularly important for someone RPing as Deadpool since it is VERY easy to write a terrible Deadpool. It really helps that you rein in 4th wall breaking, since that's something that goes old REALLY fast, and the references you make are a bit more obscure than just throwing overused memes at us. With a good introduction to the character and a bit of action, it's a very good first ste for the merc with a mouth,

The thing that caught be off guard was the change to Deadpool's text (from bolt to red), but I don't think that's going to be a problem in further posts

[Gildarts]

Book Club 13!


The Search for Power

Wow, what a cool thread. I haven’t read any of your past work Strazio but this one starts out great.

I don’t know much about strazio’s character but at the same time that didn’t stop me from getting really into the story. Vocabulary is great and meshed well with your opening post that was so intriguing I didn’t have to feel persuaded to continue the read.

You captured the PM well and I could definitely feel the mystery woven into the story with every post, it leaves the reader wanting more from the strazio and the forming plot inclines the audience as well to want to read further into the story and discover who strazio is and what he is searching for.

As the story continued I liked where I felt it was going. Progression went along well for Strazio as he grew out of the ‘new prime’ state and I feel he established himself for a future in Darkshire as well as the PM. The summoning of the notebook was somewhat sentimental and offered a new perspective onto the character.

The action against Nemesis was really cool and I enjoyed how you ended the story with the same words that the audience began with, its title: The Search for Power.


The Last Avenger and The world of Omni: Raincheck

Wow! What a cool Nexus introduction post! Sasuke is as cool as ever when you portray him. Arnold and Margaret are some early insight on what Coruscant might have in store, and I rather like how their conversation leads into Sasuke’s arrival.

Not going to lie, I thought the part where she said “They killed kenny!” was actually hilarious rather than tragic and its rare for jokes like that the amuse me.

Mami and Sasuke get along very well, its really nice to see some primes that are so fun, active, and ready for action. As they take on the snake it was a cool twist to see Orochimaru appear as though Sasuke himself had unconsciously summoned him there. Sasuke your sentence structure and writing was very coherent, never once did I find myself as a reader floundering to figure out what was happening in the midst of the trouble.

You certainly paint a picture with words and the bold action and sound effects kind of break up and invigorate the action in a way I wouldn’t have expected. Whaaat Obito meets Sasuke!

Also I thought it was nicely put together that Sasuke never actually “voiced” who he was trying to find. It added to the mystique of the post and storyline as well as Sasuke’s character.

Mami, Sasuke, Lubbock and everyone else you did a great job with this thread. It was entertaining, fun, and lighthearted and I think it came out pretty great.

[Schwi Dola]

Reading Search for Power

Immediately I noticed the shift in perspective compared to other threads. Going from third person all the time to first person all of a sudden makes things noticeable as the newness sets in, but I'm not sure its the best way if you were presenting multiple points of perspective. It certainly gets the job done for presenting your own character's thoughts and feelings constantly which is a nice change of pace. Some people have styles that tend to avoid those areas and leaving room for interpretation.

The fight scenes are interesting, a first person perspective helps bring them to light on how your character feels about it. The story does have me wondering about something that I might just have to come back to read. Is all of this actually happening? These voices that have shown up a couple times seem like they are the edge of insanity, I'm wondering if this is the kind of thing I should expect out of Strazio in any area or if this is an effect of the Pale Moors or something following you around here that you are building up to in the story until you can resolve it.

[Strazio Rockwell]

Wow thank you all for the amazing critiques! They give me something to keep in mind for my future posts.

Snatched from Marvel

I want to open this up with a disclaimer, I don't like the character of Deadpool very much. That being said your rendition of him is fricken awesome. You've done a good job of showing the fun chaos that is Deadpool without side-railing the story for ridiculous/silly things. Personally I also like your use of onomatopoeia, it gives a very distinct "comic-book" feel without being too overbearing.

Honestly the only real issue I had was this little line here.

The mercenary slipped away from Bob for a moment to check over by the creek that the group had fetched a couple of crawfish from the other da] (really, Deadpool had collected them, for himsel—)

Dude, I love crawfish. I hadn’t had crawfish since I went down NOLA, for Mardi Gra, and took body shots off of Kevin Federline.

The fourth wall breaks are fun and cool, but this once felt a bit jarring in my opinion. Maybe it's the parenthesis or the abrupt cutting off of the sentence, something felt a bit off too me.

All-in-all very fun story, can't wait to read more of your work

The Last Avenger and the World of Omni: Raincheck

What a fun thread, many other Primes leave the Nexus in about 2-3 posts but you guys have an epic battle with an iconic villain instead! You guys kept the fight interesting without making it drag on for too long. I also liked the character of Hammond, especially when most stromtroopers are seen as faceless mooks, it's nice to see some personality from them. Honestly I thoroughly enjoyed this thread and the interesting mesh of PC characters. The only thing I would work on if I were you guys is grammar and sentence structure.

All-in-all I'm excited to see the continuation in Coruscant! Keep up the good work


Hopefully these helped you guys out a bit, I'm terrible at giving good critique.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This is Book Club is now over.

[Thaal Sinestro]

Snatched From Marvel
Man, that was so fun to read. It flowed so smoothly, it felt like I was actually reading a comic. You have your own rant unique style, that, like the real Deadpool, feels almost more like a joke about the form but turns out to be really really good anyways.

You have a good way with characters and dialogue, they just feel natural. You have a cheeky pinch of fourth wall. Just great shit, man. It might be because I'm tired, bit I actually had a really hard time thinking of anything to say, but it's also kind of hard to critique a style that's so uniquely different from anyone else's. All I can say is that it feels like you hit your mark.

Watch your paragraph length, and watch word repetition. I know the action in your scenes in this thread has been really simple, so it's ask been clear, but when you get into more complex action make sure you keep it CLEAR and easy to follow. I can maybe see your style getting a little confusing with really complex stuff, but that's yet to be seen (by me).

The Search For Power
Yooo man! I'm looking forward to future LAW writing with you. I know this is some old stiff, and your current writing is leaps and bounds better, but it can be easy to fall back into old habits.

Your action is fun! It keeps the pace fast and unrelenting, which is great, but sometimes it can be a little too much. I think that action is great to punctuate a scene if building tension. With more lead up, there's more pay off when you do come down to violence. In the scenes where he's assaulted in the moores, having lots of spooky build up as Straz walks through the area or observes the scenery would help break it up a little.

I also think you could do a little more sensory description. Your opening post in the dunes is a great example of how to do it right, so I'm not gonna harp on you too bad here, but remember to paint the scene and fill in ask the sensory gaps so we can really LIVE your posts.

Remember to give your other characters as much life as your main character, because if the people around him are flat, a complex character can just seem stake. You, again, do better with this in your later posts!

It's really cool seeing you put more dirty into and learn more writing techniques. I think you're a great writer and I'm looking forward to writing with you!

The Last Avenger
SASUKE, Man, super awesome read. Like, I really really enjoyed it. The slice of life you gave us with the storm trooper was fucking great. The ninja stuff was really true to the original, and I appreciate that. It can be hard writing in a pre established canon and making it feel right, but you did a good job of it.

One thing that kinda jerked me out of the read was the fountain scene. It was surreal, so I understand it being confusing, but it was also written in a way that I could tell if it was surreal or if I just didn't know what was going on. Even in surreal scenes it's important to spend lots tone on detail, because detail creates CLARITY. Sometimes it's fine to have a scene with NO clarity but it should be written in a way that the reader KNOWS that it's supposed to be confusing. When you meet a person half way, it just leaves them scratching their head and not really sure what exactly is going on.

You're pretty good about it, but watch out for word repetition.

Sometimes your sentences are structures sort of confusingly, like "Perhaps being away from people for what felt like so long made her more excitable?" It's tempting to Mic up your sentence structure, and it's often a good thing, just make sure you read through it a few times and ensure it sounds right.

Mami! It's cool to read new authors. You've got a fun style and I'm interested in reading more of your stuff. It's got a fun, innocent violence to it, much like the anime style I assume she's native to.

It's got a really strong "internal monologue" feel to it, which is awesome for a lot of things, but focusing the reader's attention outwards into the works more frequently would be nice. More in depth descriptions of the surroundings, of what's happening, etc. It can be hard to find that balance between inner and outer description, but its a pretty big thing in my opinion.

You really flowed well with his writing and you two both write really organically. It's nice to see that! Sometimes I couldn't remember who was writing the post because they meshed so well.

Paragraphs seem a little long here and there, so just make sure you split it when you move on to a new thought or action.

I hope I get to read everyone's stuff soon!

[Thaal Sinestro]

Needless Carnage
Again, another person I'm looking forward to writing with. I think you're got a really good foundation for your writing, and a lot of spine to what you're putting down. I think that by cultivating your already strong voice and style into something that's uniquely your own, you are set to be a really really solid and well rounded writer.

The main thing I'm noticing is that you sometimes forget the details if CHARACTER. How do people move, how do the day things, where are they looking, what are their hands doing. Small details build defined characters. Give your characters something to do while they are talking instead of then just standing there speaking. Key them go on about their lives. Even if they ARE just talking, they're doing other shit too. They move and breathe and change tone. Give us that closeness. It'll also help break up long periods of talking, making it easier for the reader to follow the conversations. Also, don't be afraid to have characters interrupt each other with across it statements.

That's all I've got for now, but let's keep talking! I love your stuff!