C&C Masterthread

[Gaston]

Saw a lot of people doing personal C&C in their own threads. This is nice, but it only really benefits the person who made the thread (arguably it can help people reviewing too but to a lesser extent). And with bookclub gone it seems like it'd be nice to have a thread for people to post their threads and give or receive feedback. Just post here with any threads you want feedback on and give feedback on others, then people will give feedback on yours.

I'll start with a thread of my own. Please give any feedback you have on The Good, The Bad, and The Chiseled.

[Okor]

You've got the mechanics down, I can definitely understand what's happening in your writing. The issue I feel is that you need to present it better. Come up with some ways to refer to your character other than 'Gaston' for a bit of variety, and start adding some more powerful imagery. Someone being shot with a crossbow is a statement of fact, but adding the meaty thwack of the impact, eyes rolling back, hands desperately clutching at the shaft, etc. make it much more interesting to read.

"What? Rabbit, no fighting! That's...that's for tricks!" (The healing had apparently not helped his brain)

This is... not ideal. Conveying information in parenthesis is kind of lazy. Try to show us what's happening (Drool, more babbling, YELLING, erratic movements, etc.), rather than simply tell us that Gaston's suffered brain damage.

So yeah, you got the basics down, now you have to work on adding all the lovely little details that make writing come alive.

[Moon Knight]

Welp, first and foremost I will say I love the title. I enjoy westerns and making a nod to a Clint Eastwood film is absolutely cool in my book.

 

I will say though you definitely need to add some more detail, my dude. I can totally tell what's going on but without detail, the story felt like it was being told to me and the pacing felt a bit, not a whole, fast. There were some parts where if there were more detail I feel like the scenes would be absolutely fantastic. With that being said there are some dialogue issues, they're not too serious but some characters need some more personality in them. Not a whole lot but a way where I can tell who's who when they're talking. I found myself going was that Gaston speaking or was that Iolrath? And one last thing, you use Gaston a lot. Try to find some other way to say he's doing stuff and referring him. Look at some of my Doom and Moon Knight stuff I don't always say Doctor Doom or Moon Knight said. 

NOW! onto some bad ass stuff. Gaston getting a revolver, I feel like he's at least feeling like this right now with it. 

(I'll stop using Clint Eastwood now.)   

Another thing a drunk Gaston and a Gaston busting out of a coffin is fricken gold. 

"Stop being colours you're not a cube!"

Don't know about other people but I find that pretty funny. With the busting out of a coffin, I would expect his enemies to be scared. I mean a buff guy like this 

I'd expect people to at least be startled. Besides that, I find it hilarious but that's because I find certain things to funny. 

[Beta Ray Bill]

Just going to drop another thread down just to make sure others know this is a master thread for C&C's. So people can go through others stuff and give some good advice. 

Enjoy Pyrrhic