Let's Read: Book Club # 3, 12

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Week's Topic Options:

• Revelations
  Magus’ first topic since returning from a prolonged hiatus. Its serious business: he fell off a dragon.
  
  
• A New Realm
  The introduction of Shang Tsung. He is totally just a weary old man trying to get back to his family – nothing suspicious in the least – no reason to avert your gaze. It’s short, but written so well that someone without any knowledge of the Lore behind the character would want to read more.

Carried over from Previous Book Club

• Return to Coruscant
  Samus returns to Coruscant after the incident with the dragon Rathalos. After upgrading her suit she pursues the ebil (just kidding) robit Vitruvius to claim the Bounty on his parts. It turns out that she didn’t quite see eye to eye with the reported information however . . . exciting stuff happens. Again not saying more in case you haven’t read it.

That’s all happy reading~

[Dark Link]

Revelaitons Revelations - Obvious Resident Evil joke aside, this was a decent return post. Then again, considering Magus was a pretty good writer even on Chubbs, that was to be expected. Even though I basically jumped in in the middle of his storyline, I didn't really feel lost as the writer did a good job of portraying the context in which the events unfolded as well as showing what kind of person Magus is through his conversation with the farm girl. The Dalaran part was kind of sparse on detail, but since I'm presuming Magus already described Dalaran in past posts, I can understand not seeing much need in repeating that.

So a good start. It'll be interesting to see where Magus takes it from here and what these "revelations" are.

A New Realm - Shang Tsung is roleplayed by the same person that roleplays as Proto Man; as a result, to the surprise of absolutely no one, this was a great introduction post. Like Sarah already mentioned above, it pretty much mentions all the essential details a layman needs to know about Shang Tsung's pre-Omniverse history, making it a nice read even for those who know nothing about Mortal Kombat. It was also kind of refreshing to see a character attempt to pretend that he is an already existing inhabitant of the Omniverse, though it does make the NPC knight look like a moron for buying the story (though I imagine that was the idea).

One thing I found particularly interesting about this post was the fact that Shang Tsung's encounter with Omni barely gets even a mention. On the one hand, this is almost kind of disappointing, since it is fun to read how different characters react to Omni and his explanation about how the Omniverse works. On the other, though, since practically everyone does that and the "conversation" is rather one-sided, it is kind of an interesting take to have a character who barely even remembers it and dismisses it as a dream. Makes you wonder how he will react when he realises that it wasn't just a dream.

So, in short, another great post from a great author. As if Proto needed any more praise. :xd:

Return to Coruscant - And here we finally get to the big one. I'm just going to go ahead and say it...this is my favourite thread that has appeared in the Book Club so far. Both Samus and Vitruvius did a phenomenal job in this thread. They both potrayed the internal conflicts plaguing both characters well and I really enjoyed the interaction and chemistry between the two.

It's actually almost hard to believe that the author behind Samus is the same one that is behind Enel. I've expressed in the past that I feel that some of his Enel posts felt kind of dry and lacking in detail. While that applies to some extent here as well (I was actually a bit disappointed that the process of how Samus' suit is enhanced wasn't elaborated upon, but it's possible this was already covered in past posts), I still feel that the writer did a much better job here. Funnily enough, one of my favourite posts in the entire thread was the part where Samus uses multiple elevators to descent down various tiers of Coruscant. Even though very little actual activity happened in that post, the reader learns so much about Coruscant without the post ever going into needless detail. I loved every sentence of it and it really sparked my imagination.

Vitruvius also wrote very well. Throughout the entire thread, he manages to maintain a consistent theme of his character being conflicted between the necessity of using violence and the moral implications of such actions and going against his own moral code. The part with him mistaking Samus for an AI was also both fitting and amusing. While his posts do feature a lot of technical terms, it does fit quite well with the fact that his character is...well a robot/android.

I'm afraid I don't really have anything to say about Harry's post. It was decent, but it is his first post so far and it was also rather short. I will say that it almost seemed like the character showed up out of the blue (at least based on the conversation he had with Samus, he wasn't on Coruscant before). Also, while having different colours for lines of dialogue is a valid stylistic choice, it might be a better idea to use something other than orange for Stormtroopers; it made me almost accidentally think that it was Samus who was talking. :lol:

As you can see, tried as I might, I really wasn't able to find much wrong with these posts. All I can really say is bravo; I look forward to seeing the conclusion of that thread. quee:

[Proto Man]

Shang - How nice of you to keep that boy company.

Magus – Lovely start back from a long hiatus. I’d loosely followed your writing before, so I was acquainted with the character. That said, you do a great job of having this post read much like a re-introduction to the character. Kind of like when a movie has a sequel a decade or so after the original? I don’t know… I’m just trying to say your post did a good job emphasizing the important parts of Magus’ personality without drowning a reader in information from months old posts. Who knows if this will turn into anything, given your trend of posting, but I’d certainly keep reading along if it does.

-----

Return to Coruscant

Samus – You do a very nice job contrasting Samus the Bounty Hunter and Samus the Human. So often she comes off as a badass, and then (as you do near the end of the first post) you remind us that she isn’t infallible. She may wear a suit of metal, but she’s flesh and blood like anyone else. I also always enjoy reading your posts, because you do a nice job of subtly seeding in reminders of ‘omniverse canon.’ Stuff like how time is weird in the Omniverse and how summoning and omnilium work. It also make me laugh that you have such a more mechanical approach the summoning than Proto Man (who is actually a robot).

As a fan of Bowser and turtle’s in general, I appreciate the incorporation of Koopa gangsters in the lower tiers. I’ll probably steal or reference that at some point when I have my own return to Coruscant.

I am officially mortified by the Stalker. Like… holy shit.

I'm actually sad that you relationship with the Empire has soured. I would have liked to see more and maybe seen a more gradually development of antagonism between Samus and the Empire. Then again, if it means Samus gets to have wacky adventures in the Vasty Deeps, I'm all for anything! <3

Vitruvius – First things first, I hadn’t read your threads before this in any depth. That said, you write a machine better than I think I could. It’s something about your word choice and style. Even so, you have a character who is very likeable, despite the fact that he’s still very much trying to find his own ‘identity’ and purpose in the Omniverse.

Both – I enjoyed your short post back-and-forth near the middle/end of page 1. In a weird way, it built suspense for me as a reader, because even though I knew they’d side together, the rapid pauses kept making me wonder how the next post would open. I would have had even more suspense had I not been privy to the plot.

Speaking of suspense, the scenes involving the two of you preparing to make a run for it were extremely well-done. I would have enjoyed a slightly longer dog fight scene as you both fled from Coruscant, but what I read was awesome (the missile storm was an awesome visual). I look forward to seeing more from this duo (trio if you include Harry).

[Guu]

Sorry these are so short. My analytical side is really buried deep for some reason… I hope it’s still helpful!

Revelations
Despite not fully knowing the backstory behind certain things, it was still an entertaining read. I liked Magus’ interactions with omnilirium, him summoning his clothing, him summoning a Pegasus to ride. Magus’ internal thought processes were fun, like his reaction to Abigail watching you change was funny, and him wondering if a mount is still around when you aren’t was great.
I liked the atmospheric descriptions of the hovel. A bed of wood sounds extremely painful, and to think that lady wanted it back so much kind of suggests the horrid living conditions of secondaries in this small village.
Abigail was kind of flat considering she didn’t really branch out too far from the “simple village girl” archetype, but she served her purposes to the story. Doubt she’ll be too much more important down the line anyways, so this is good enough. It’s kind of interesting to see Magus juggle between his pride and his honor, as he has to treat this lowly peasant with some amount of respect considering she was integral to his survival.
Anyways, good work! Keep at it!

A New Realm
The prose is a bit expositiony. That can’t be avoided for most of it, but it’s something to pay attention to. Like the part where he’s trying to conceal his desire to eat the man’s soul; would have been stronger if we just got a description of his deceiving smile that insinuates that horrible things are coming for the knight. Allowing us to piece together what’s going instead of being explained out right makes the reader more engrossed in the story. Show, don’t tell kind of deal.
Love that Omni takes you while transversing a portal. I’m quite a fan of travelling to the Omniverse that way (hence why I did that myself.)
The knight, like Abigail from Revelations is kind of generic, but he serves the plot well. I’m guessing he becomes your first victim. Yum!
Also, the fact that he completely missed the Omni explanation due to unconsciousness was kind of hilarious. Did Omni explain everything to a knocked out person? I’ve always thought the opening spiel was just his answering machine but this is ridiculous!
But anyways, still a nice read.

Return to Coruscant
Samus x Vitruvius OTP
First of all, fantastic description of Coruscant’s many tiers on Samus’ part. I’ll be sure to refer to this if Guu ever goes there one day. Certainly have story ideas for that place…
Also, the way you roleplay your upgrades are a really good demonstration of alternative ways of playing out such things. I could point this topic to a newbie.
Gotta be honest, Vit’s first posts were a bit wordy at times; probably more a problem with me than the writing. However things really picked up when Samus and Vit finally met up.
I love the rising tension as they got closer and closer to Vit’s doom. I love Vit’s thoughts about Samus, reading all her actions as that of a fellow machine (He’s in for a shock!) I loved Samus’ confliction with betraying the empire. You two have joined together to make one hell of a thrilling story!
Only real problems I could think of is when Vit created that lightning shield move, that felt like it came in the middle of a conversation and it’s kind of hard to place chronologically. Also, is the hunter that attacked Samus going to follow them to the Vasty? Not sure if that was a storyline put on hold due to change of status quo or if that’s going to be a reoccurring thing.
Well, other than that, fantastic! Amazing! Look forward to how you end this!

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This Book Club is now closed. The next one will be up sometime tomorrow.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• Here I come the Start of a Journey
  
  
• Camelot's Alchemist
  
  
• Tarrasqing a Question
  
  

Carry-Over Bonus Topics:

• Nak Nak Nak
  
  
• Ice to see you

That’s all happy reading~

[Caira Ayryn]

(I'll be claiming this week's Bonus with Gildarts)

Book club 12

Here I Come... The Start of a Journey
Gollum! I have to admit, the integration of such a well known character to meet Jack Frost was really cool. It fell into place during Retane's arrival and I liked how you explained what was going through Retane's head as Jack was being attacked (rather than just leaping into action.)

Retane's a cool character, as I continued reading I found myself liking him more and more with each description you offered. He's his own individual, a badass, and just plain respectable. He's the man, and I can see him holding his own in a battle against some battle-based characters (if not dominating.) Overall I like the character portrayal and think you do a great job.

At the beginning of the first post there was a slight problem with spacing but it didn't bother me much and it seemed to peter out halfway through.

As the adventure progresses, it was interesting to see Jack Frost, a Guardian, interact with Retane, a Namekian. There was plenty of action and engaging excitement as well as integration of the orgosynth (awesome to see it in action by the way) and I also found it interesting how you distinguished Retane with it.

Overall the thread was a nice read, I thought it was a good start for Jack Frost who is a fairly new prime to meet with a veteran. Both of you had great purpose when writing and stayed true to your characters.

Camelot's Alchemist
FMAB's Ed finally lands in the Omniverse! To be honest I'm surprised we don't see the use of more characters or secondaries here. I could see some of the homunculus making excellent villains even if secondaries are not their best form. It would certainly make things interesting if they were released throughout the verses and perhaps Ed had to find them all or something. I can even see OC's participating, just a thought though, I don't know your plans.

Right off the bat poor Ed was called short! It seems this may become a frequent occurrence from the common civilians of the verse. Later when he switched into gear and battled orcs in his first post after arriving in Camelot, my expectations grew. With all the different ways to portray Ed (even as we discussed the differences in the two sagas) I was eager to see which avenue you would take him down.

Camelot certainly does seem like a go-to spot for the alchemist, but I was surprised Winry broke off from Ed upon entering the city so soon after entering MT (it could be dangerous for her.) But I suppose Ed saw her trusty wrench in hand and had reinforced faith she would give anyone who was dangerous a good smashing.

The speed of adventure is fast paced and moves along well to avoid any stagnant moments. Next thing I know and Ed is on Dalaran and somehow fittingly, is working on making a school to promote his knowledge.

Shout out to that wonderful bounty hunting pair in the setting of the illustrious library.

As Ed met the scholar, Mark, it actually served as a very informational encounter both for those who don't know the series and those who haven't watched it (or read it) in a while.

Hellooo Dumbledore! An exciting meeting, Proto conveyed DD with a very intriguing persona! I felt it flowed naturally and was a fun read. Dumbledore answered questions Ed didn't even know he had, but the information was just as valuable. The topic touched on other alchemists, which was equally cool! Edward is now issued some cool options and it will be fun to see how he will pursue his adventurous quest!

Tarrasquing a Question

DIO even at your first intro post to the thread I can see how you have progressed as a writer. The post flows well and is very purposeful as well as somehow inspirational when Dio's charismatic character draws the reader and the others around him, toward him.

Not really sure how I'm going to format such a largely involved post but I think I'll start with a review on some writing styles. Because this is an expanded post I won't really say much that varies from the whole 'effect' unless I deem it notable or just happen to incorporate it.

Everyone actually flowed together quite nicely (which is a surprise considering the size), writing styles aside, they seemed to amply capture a decent ebb and flow of actions and various other balance mechanisms and maintain the reader's attention. No one style stuck out in a negative way and I feel that it can easily be said that each participating member was attentive and careful not to over provide.

Atelos, your intro conquered. I really liked how you -right off the bat- had a sort of brawl with Hades, just when I thought not much more could compare to something like that, Kuzan's next post intrigued me. Kuzan seems like a cool character and though I haven't gotten to him yet in my progression of the OP series, you bring an aspect to the character that leaves me wanting more. I liked how slowly his thoughts trace into memories and then trail into his history because it can't always be assumed that everyone will know most of the character's origins. In other words it was well done because it filled a void by answering the unasked question between the audience and its current focal point. I'd like to mention you used 'he' at the start of the paragraphs in most of your introduction post and though it didn't disrupt the post, integration of some other pronouns or such may increase perspective for the future.

There's no real way for them to know the scale of challenge that they are soon to face, yet Aang soon brings his light, airy presence to the mix as he confronts the Atelos.

As Dio and Homura trained, it grew interesting and kind of gave a different perspective to every pursuit possible when they would soon confront the Tarrasque. Memories were brought alive once more as the stories were shared even in the midst of a spar.

Alain's a cool character and I'm surprised (pleasantly) at the way he conducts himself, in the same way, as a pyromancer it is funny how he greets his fellow flamer.

It's interesting how carefully planned the posts are, and timing actually seems pretty good when the balance between what is happening at the manor and the scale of the trio's recon mission appears to weigh pretty well in action. In this case I'd say it's well paced.

Whoaa, Dio's a real monster! Poor Homura, all she ever wanted to do was kill Omni and go home! Needless to say this twist was interesting and surely adds a in a new variable to Dio's character and how it will effect the many stories to come. Judge me or not, this was actually my favorite part. Suspense was depicted pretty well and Dio's motive which made enough sense to even trump his means. Not sure if the "heartless" analogy fits in here intentionally but hey, Dio's a man with a plan.

Part of the reason I like his character could be accredited to how, to me, he vaguely reminds me of Vegeta (only on the more villainous side) and to me, Vegeta is a masterpiece. The other part I enjoy as I read your work could be accredited to how well done he is, even to the preciseness of an included gage of his arrogance implied in the posts via the perspective of other onlookers.

Dio later assembles the group, in a way hazes Atelos, and a discussion ensues. It is only fitting this post "Tarrasquing a Question" ends with the making of a plan.

Reviews and critiques are great and all, but I think that everyone who participated in this thread did an excellent job. I can tell you worked hard and coordinated your plans together to make this momentously remarkable, each of you should be very proud. Let's see who gets the artifact now... Shall we?

[Guu]

Camelot's Alchemist:

Interesting you immediately thrust Ed into action. Though based on his dialogue, he seemed to really need to let off some steam. Damn you Truth! #blessomni

Short joke of course, though considering this Ed is like 5'6". that seems a bit odd... I guess that part was before we hammered that detail out.

Orc with an axe! Admittedly, considering his skin color, I thought he was going to be Orker, or the actor that become Orker. That's be a twisted origin story... the one we got is only a cover to hide his Brigand past... then again, Orcs get a bad rep as it is, forget about it.

I do like that Ed is trolling the Orc, trying to get him angry so he'd slip up. Shows how strategic Ed is.

Nice little pathos with the birds. I also like the little slow moment with Ed enjoying the natures. Not to mention all those time reminiscing of Winry. Awwww D:

Oh wait, that was set up for her summoning. That was funny. Suuuddenly Winryyy, was standing behind me!

Anyways, I really like the interactions between Edward and Winry. They have good chemistry. You'd think she'd ask a few more follow up questions but eh, I guess she did that off screen.

Winry is incredibly accepting of this whole thing. I couldn't tell you if it's out of character to be this accepting of suddenly being in a whole new world. She's already got business plans. xD

I wonder if all the cleanliness descriptions are building up to some big reveal... hmmm...

Or maybe it's foreshadowing to the fact that he'll soon be somewhere that isn't clean! Dun Dun Dun!

THE CROCODILE! Jazz hands!

Nice little twist with the guard croc. Now I'm really imagining her as Amethyst...

Off to Dalaran! Thanks oddly convenient mousy boy! I'm sure you won't come up later!

I really really really like how you describe Dalaran. You make me regret not making a character who'd be at home in Camelot. xD

Ooh, and again with your descriptions of the Library. Ugh, I need to get more interesting stuff in the Tangled!

I find it odd he doesn't find book on potion making in the alchemy section. Kind of wanted to see him react to stuff like that in the library! xD

Chance meeting with research guy!

You do a good job presenting the science of your world as an academic study worth pursuing! I could really see Edward as a teacher in his school of his.

Oh... I thought you already had your school up and running when you met Dumbledore... um... my bad. @.@

Well, you did a good job justifying why Dumbledore would see him. I mean, it would make sense he would take seriously the words of a boy to come speak with him in person, and it would make sense he doesn't have anything else scheduled that.

Protoman as Dumbledore is awesome of course. I wonder how this section would have been like if it had been me writing it. Probably not as great.
Seriously, I'm underplaying how well Proto portrays this character. Am I reading a Harry Potter book now?

Also, this is OOC, but i love the three choices at the end of Proto's first post. Reminds me of a "choose your own adventure" book.

I loved Edward's reaction to Dumbledore. It's a pretty accurate depiction of how you should feel after a conversation with that character.

And yeah, saving the mole seemed like that best choice.


Anyways, great read! Sorry this came out all disjointed. Shouldn't really do a post when sleep deprived xD

Welp! time for a nap!

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This is closed.

[Gildarts]

Book club 3! Retro


Revelations

Kind of strange for me to be reviewing this so far in the past! I’ll do my best though to give advice but I don’t think its needed. This is a great story and has spanned some months to make. Vision and hope helped to familiarize the reader with the character as to perhaps make the many revelations he comes across a little more shocking or baffling. Magus has a great sense of style and has a strong sense of who his character is. As one will continue to read from his many interactions that bounce off of the citizens of Camelot (such as Abagail or the shrew at the library, as well as further in the story Lud) the reader can see that he has progressed as a character just in this thread alone.

The tale flowed wonderfully, I like how the pace is even, set and yet vibrant as it is described. First he’s awoken from his slumber in a strange place and next he goes to find a way out of the Omniverse in the closest way he can imagine. I think as the reader continues to get to know Magus, they get a better sense of what he is capable of just based on his motive alone. It’s noble, yet at the same time, his means grow even more out of their limits until eventually he gets into an altercation with some wizard guards.

If we back up for a moment, and pause in perspective we can see how perhaps the loss of his sister has effected him -negatively- but also it gives him purpose. It also makes the reader wonder ‘Will he be able to find her?’ ‘If he is able to, will it be from luck, power, or perhaps divine -Omni’s- intervention?’ There’s also an internal struggle that an audience gets a sense of when Magus really feels he can’t find her and refuses to summon her because she would be trapped as he is in the new world. I like the use of multi-layered themes integrated into the story and I feel it paints the tale with color; sometimes if it falls into place, a good man can become a monster.

The reader really feels the gravity of the obstacles he faces when he just wants to find his sister. He asks the Librarian for help and its mainly a dead end. A good loop hole was to allow the orangutang to write on paper, which I thought was a good addition to the extents Magus will try just to get a little leverage on his own situation.

I love the description of Minas Tirith and even found myself looking back on it when I was trying to come up with something for the bounty hunt. It was beautifully written and paints a picture in the reader’s mind. I liked it because it wasn’t just a bunch of words poured out, nor was it adjectives just used to punch the reader in the face, but it really was well-written and could’ve come from a book. Actually, it reminded me of a sentence from a specific one (read it years ago and it still stuck with me as that’s how memorable it was) but I won’t reference the name here.

Magus adapts to his surroundings, plays up the people’s army and ruthlessly gets involved in some very serious and intense crimes. Soon he is tangled too far to back out, and in some ways is wrapped around Lud’s finger. Which Magus is okay with as long as he provides results.

The torture chamber was shocking, Magus prevails as he travels through the shadows, yet had to endure a bit of a hammering to be able to do it. Magus tells the entire truth and yet is faced with people who have no reason to believe him. Later, the story falls flawlessly into place as the mage learns of Lud’s ploy in the people’s army.

Even as Magus is being tortured, his cause is respectable enough for the reader to get behind and have reason to want Magus to find Omni as well, maybe just to see what will happen.

The plot is inventive, dark, and thickens both dramatically and subtly when the reader least expects it.

When faced with a question of inevitable demise and there is no right answer, Magus holds his own with truth and respectably provides his motive for everything he’s ever done since he has arrived in the Omniverse.

“Why?”

“I want to find Omni.”

The same purposeful reason allows him to kill another man, and finally he is deployed on Lud’s mission, which has its own pitfalls and risks. It seems like a stroke of luck for Magus to have met Lud, who’s essentially the president of the people’s army. Pres has a problem and needs a man to solve it. I liked the banter between these two characters, and enjoyed how somehow black was smeared to a dark shade of gray. Motives, life, death, and the balance between it all, each seem like an unimaginable immorality as men are either coerced or choose to become villains that don’t necessarily see they are doing anything wrong. Sacrifice for survival, feels like a motif carried on with the actions of the two men, but where to draw the line? How far is enough and how much injustice will it take for justice to finally return? Lud believes in his purpose and will act on it. With this, I think that the reader may feel the depth of it as it is displayed in the dialogue and as when Magus analyzes the stakes.

Lud reveals the heart of the People’s Army to Magus, to show him he means business and takes him to the new territory before giving Magus a mission: Arson and assassination.

The style Magus uses to portray the plot is really skillful and I think this allows the reader to feel the magnitude of emotion Magus must be going through.

At the cost of Heironymous, can Magus achieve his goal? Well, papers were sent to ash and its up to the reader to determine Magus’s real revelation.


A New Realm

I’ve been wanting to read more of Shang lately, so I was glad to see this topic in the retros.

When the first sentence makes an impact on a reader, they can sometimes get the feel for what direction the story will go, where the character will take them, etc. There’s a lot of strength and passion that is displayed with just a few words. The spacing was appropriate too for this, but I really liked how you started it off. Just those two sentences separate from anything else and I had to pause and think about what they five hundred years meant to me. It was intriguing, a great hook for the reader and snagged my attention humbly and effortlessly.

As for an introduction, I already knew a little about this soul-eating monk but actually some history included in his arrival was beneficial to my understanding his personality better. Some names I’m unfamiliar with add to the mystique of his memories, and then the same ‘five hundred years’ is repeated with new context adding an extra layer to the already thickened history.

I thought it kind of ironic how he starts his first sentence with an Omniverse citizen as a lie (I think because he was once a monk) and then was hit with the malicious intent of the soul eater once more. That’s one hell of an introduction.


Return to Coruscant

I liked the interaction with Adam as a good starting point for the story. Last time that I read Samus and Adam was when he was summoned in the library after Samus hadn’t summoned him (up until then) in the Omniverse. Samus does a great job at displaying the bond the two share, as well as in this thread gives an update with a little history regarding it, just incase some people aren’t familiar with the characters.

Style wise, I like that you give it from her perspective and at the same time hint everything in color of a ‘Samus lens’ she sees things that pertain to her and the many actions she takes have a motive fueled by her as well as what makes sense to her character.

I like how you give a vivid description of Coruscant, so far it has proven to be the hardest verse for me to try and describe, but you paint a good picture on the action and bustling business that coincides with the many integral relations that make city-living flow. Later, in the lower tiers where Samus seeks her bounty, theres a bit of necessary pre-action as it helps to display exactly what she faces below the surface: Danger.

Vitruvius painted a good picture of what had happened and how he come to be on the bounty board, I was glad for the update and new perspective of the murdered imperial solider was refreshing and added a possibly needed dynamic to the Samus’s pursuit.

I don’t think I was expecting Vitruvius to humble himself at the hands of the warrior. It was an intriguing twist that made the reader want to know more, it also gave a little more depth to Vitruvius, the murder, as well as Samus’s reaction to it all.

Samus is an admirable character, it was almost second nature for her to do justice and choose to aid Vitruvius even at the sacrifice of herself. What made it the most believable was Vitruvius was a new prime and had no idea the extent Samus was going just for him. It enhances Samus’s previous phone call with Proto and Harry in some ways because now more than ever does Coruscant really need help as it exiles its best.

The escape happened in kind of a flash, suddenly Harry arrived after Samus unleashed the missile attack and all hell broke loose. It was awesome and they escaped Coruscant in time to evacuate with Vitruvius. Harry helped in unexpected ways as well as gave them a good chance at leaving with their lives. I couldn’t help but to wonder, without Samus’s connections, she could have been in deep trouble. They all escaped... Happily ever after?