09-21-2014, 04:44 PM
Sorry for the delay.
Contain below is the following: Some feedback for each of you and then both of you (I tried to include positive points and constructive points). I won't lie and say I am amazing at feedback, but I hope my opinion helps to either motivate your further or guide you in future development. After that I list the self-designed 'system' I used for 'grading' you guys. I used three categories, and I hope I explained in enough detail. The system was my own design.
After that is your scores and the winner.
----
Feedback
Gouki –
(Style) Fantastic use of martial arts-style combat. One of the better ways I’ve seen fights like this written.
(Grammar) Keep an eye on your use of commas. I also noticed that often it seems like you write massive sentences or extremely short ones. I noticed this in the second post, where you’d had a few lengthy sentences and then several that were very short. I saw what you were trying to do, but for my personal reading tastes, it was almost too jarring. Try to find a balance somewhere closer in the middle.
(Reader) Your dialogue was kind of cheesy, but it made me smile and grin instead of rolling my eyes.
Retane –
(Grammar) I know your situation with writing can often be erratic, but I think you’d be well-served to get Google Drive. It’s far better than Wordpad or Notepad and you can use it offline if you download the client. Drive is also pretty good at predicting when you meant to use one word and typed a similar one instead.
(Reader) – I enjoyed your tongue-in-cheek use of the term ‘street fighter’ to describe Gouki.
(Reader) – Whether you intended to or not, I actually felt sympathetic for Retane by the end of the fight. I don’t know if this was a side-effect of his mounting desperation or Gouki’s cold and calculated combat style.
(Reader) – The bit with your summoning seemed tacked on at the end and rushed.
Both –
(Reader) I am a personal fan of writing in a third-person limited style for fights. As a result, I will rarely write the other character’s name unless they state it. I liked how you both stuck to this (Gouki in the fight and Retane in the pre-fight).
(Reader) I enjoyed how Gouki read genuinely like how I would expect a tame Street Fighter battle to be converted into prose. I likewise enjoyed how Retane’s read with the sort of manic and often incoherent energy that I expected from the character.
---
Proto Man Score Sheet – When I was determining a winner, I took a few categories into mind. I will lay these out below for the sake of clarity.
Style – How does your writing read? Is it overly verbose or overly simplistic? Does it flow like a majestic river or is it choppy and erratic? ‘Style’ is how good I believe your writing is from the viewpoint of an editor or someone with an English degree.
You will be scored from a 1 (Very Poor) to a 10 (Stellar) for your ‘Style.’
Grammar – Do you have excessive errors in spelling or grammar? Are they subtle mistakes (using similar words that basic spell checkers won’t notice) or are they extreme? Furthermore, do these mistakes genuinely inhibit my experience as a reader?
You will be scored one of the follow for your Grammar: 1 (Needs Improvement) to 3 (Solid)
Reader – Did I enjoy your writing as a (subjective) reader? Or was I bored to death by your character’s actions and inner thoughts? This is the most subjective category, but for me, it’s the most important one. I can recognize that Death of a Salesman and The Adventures of Huck Finn are great books in terms of grammar and style, but they do nothing for me as a reader. I think they’re all lame and boring, and I had no emotional investment in the characters. On the other side of the spectrum, people love crap like Twilight and 50 Shades not because they are literacy exemplars but because they (for whatever reason) become wholly invested in the characters.
Your reader score is just that—an approximation of my overall experience reading about your character.
You will be scored from a 1 (Very Poor) to a 10 (Stellar) in the ‘Reader’ category.
Penalties – If you failed to post or failed to adhere to deadlines, that will be reflected here, rather than punishing you in all categories.
-----
End Result
Individual = (Style/Grammar/Reader/Penalties) = Final Score
Gouki = (8/3/9/0) = 19
Retane = (5/1/7/-1)= 12
Gouki = 46.4 OM
Retane = 22.11 OM
Gouki wins. He may choose to Spare Retane or to Kill Retane.
Gouki suffers 2 HP of damage.
If Retane dies, he will reincarnate at the Fountain in the Death Shroud, a state that will persist until he departs the Nexus.
Contain below is the following: Some feedback for each of you and then both of you (I tried to include positive points and constructive points). I won't lie and say I am amazing at feedback, but I hope my opinion helps to either motivate your further or guide you in future development. After that I list the self-designed 'system' I used for 'grading' you guys. I used three categories, and I hope I explained in enough detail. The system was my own design.
After that is your scores and the winner.
----
Feedback
Gouki –
(Style) Fantastic use of martial arts-style combat. One of the better ways I’ve seen fights like this written.
(Grammar) Keep an eye on your use of commas. I also noticed that often it seems like you write massive sentences or extremely short ones. I noticed this in the second post, where you’d had a few lengthy sentences and then several that were very short. I saw what you were trying to do, but for my personal reading tastes, it was almost too jarring. Try to find a balance somewhere closer in the middle.
(Reader) Your dialogue was kind of cheesy, but it made me smile and grin instead of rolling my eyes.
Retane –
(Grammar) I know your situation with writing can often be erratic, but I think you’d be well-served to get Google Drive. It’s far better than Wordpad or Notepad and you can use it offline if you download the client. Drive is also pretty good at predicting when you meant to use one word and typed a similar one instead.
(Reader) – I enjoyed your tongue-in-cheek use of the term ‘street fighter’ to describe Gouki.
(Reader) – Whether you intended to or not, I actually felt sympathetic for Retane by the end of the fight. I don’t know if this was a side-effect of his mounting desperation or Gouki’s cold and calculated combat style.
(Reader) – The bit with your summoning seemed tacked on at the end and rushed.
Both –
(Reader) I am a personal fan of writing in a third-person limited style for fights. As a result, I will rarely write the other character’s name unless they state it. I liked how you both stuck to this (Gouki in the fight and Retane in the pre-fight).
(Reader) I enjoyed how Gouki read genuinely like how I would expect a tame Street Fighter battle to be converted into prose. I likewise enjoyed how Retane’s read with the sort of manic and often incoherent energy that I expected from the character.
---
Proto Man Score Sheet – When I was determining a winner, I took a few categories into mind. I will lay these out below for the sake of clarity.
Style – How does your writing read? Is it overly verbose or overly simplistic? Does it flow like a majestic river or is it choppy and erratic? ‘Style’ is how good I believe your writing is from the viewpoint of an editor or someone with an English degree.
You will be scored from a 1 (Very Poor) to a 10 (Stellar) for your ‘Style.’
Grammar – Do you have excessive errors in spelling or grammar? Are they subtle mistakes (using similar words that basic spell checkers won’t notice) or are they extreme? Furthermore, do these mistakes genuinely inhibit my experience as a reader?
You will be scored one of the follow for your Grammar: 1 (Needs Improvement) to 3 (Solid)
Reader – Did I enjoy your writing as a (subjective) reader? Or was I bored to death by your character’s actions and inner thoughts? This is the most subjective category, but for me, it’s the most important one. I can recognize that Death of a Salesman and The Adventures of Huck Finn are great books in terms of grammar and style, but they do nothing for me as a reader. I think they’re all lame and boring, and I had no emotional investment in the characters. On the other side of the spectrum, people love crap like Twilight and 50 Shades not because they are literacy exemplars but because they (for whatever reason) become wholly invested in the characters.
Your reader score is just that—an approximation of my overall experience reading about your character.
You will be scored from a 1 (Very Poor) to a 10 (Stellar) in the ‘Reader’ category.
Penalties – If you failed to post or failed to adhere to deadlines, that will be reflected here, rather than punishing you in all categories.
-----
End Result
Individual = (Style/Grammar/Reader/Penalties) = Final Score
Gouki = (8/3/9/0) = 19
Retane = (5/1/7/-1)= 12
Gouki = 46.4 OM
Retane = 22.11 OM
Gouki wins. He may choose to Spare Retane or to Kill Retane.
Gouki suffers 2 HP of damage.
If Retane dies, he will reincarnate at the Fountain in the Death Shroud, a state that will persist until he departs the Nexus.
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