My Sides

[Ebonywood Hellscythe]

Somewhere in Coruscant

"Alright, so anyway. Me and Pete were just dicking about, yeah. See, we managed to snag the Pocket Pocket's mailing list, and figured we'd just make some shitty old email account to mess with some peeps. I was an intern there a while back, so it wasn't so hard to get into their servers. Kevin was my mate, ya see." 

"Yeah?"

"So, you'd never guess who's email I grabbed first."

"Was it the selfie stick guy?"

"Fuck of, Ben. It's never the selfie stick guy. Like, fuck. I swear you're gay for the nerd-Fabio crossover... So... yeah. It was none other than Warren-fucking-Zimmer. That dude who travelled halfway across the Omniverse because someone shit-talked him, only to get fucking aced by the weeb."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Hahaha, what did you do?"

"Yeah, so basically... Pete did some fishing around had the great idea to try and scam him. Nothing fancy, just 'we totally got your aunt hostage, bruh'. More of a joke than anything else really. Just a bit of shitposting. Anyway, at first he was like 'fuck off, I don't have an aunt' and shit like that-"

"When does this get to the funny part?"

"Fuck off Ben, I'm telling a story here."

"OOoooohhhhhhHHhhh."

"So. Right. I pull out some stock photos and shit and we dress Pete up like a proper businesswoman, shove a bag over his fugly-ass head, pull out the green screen, and shove the two pics together."

"Gay."

"Yeah, that's pretty gay bro. Iunno, playing dress-up with another dude."

"Go fuck yourself Timmy, I know you unironically liked that trap from fate."

"No u."

"Nay thee."

"..."

"So, anyway, instead of verifying any of this, the dude starts insisting that he gets to see this 'Aunt Susan' in person, or get to see her face, and so on. And, obviously, Pete is never gonna shave his beard, and we don't have an Aunt Susan to give him. So, we just keep BSing about how if he doesn't give up the one-thousand OM, she gun die, expecting him to like... I dunno... Do... something? Or just block us. We were just pushing as much as we could figuring he'd be the one to tell us to fuck off."

"Aaannnd...?"

"And, the fucker sent us all the OM. All of it. And, I think he's even going over to the Ashen Steppes in an attempt to meet us. Obviously, we're not there. Cuz, like, why would we bother waiting there after already getting the OM?"

"You're such a dick, dude. Gimme your phone, I wanna see this shit."

"Pffftt."

"My sides."