All right, without further ado let the judging commence!
First things first I will be using the grading guidelines that the wonderful Thaal Sinestro has so graciously posted for public use.
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I also will not be taking into account the intro post, as well it’s an intro post and not technically part of the fight.
Also remember that grading is inherently subjective so a different judge might choose a different winner and a large portion of this is based upon my opinion.
BALLAD
Description and Clarity 2.5
The first half of your first post did a great job at setting the scene from your character’s perspective. With the first two paragraphs I had a clear idea of the setting and a rough idea of what your characters looked like. So good job here.
Quote:Lifting his head from the ground, he expectorated a good amount of chunky saliva into the earth, a gagging noise escaping from his throat. The bisque ovals serving as his eyes bulged out of their sockets, red nerves serving as the only contrast of color to his otherwise normally yellow-black eyeballs.
These two sentences were very good, great word choice in expectorate and bisque. The only real issue I has was that I felt that they were a bit too long and could stand to be trimmed down. There were a couple of instances of sentences similiar to these that were indeed good but a bit too overburdened with uneeded words or awkward phrasing.
Quote: Wiping his face with his free right hand, he removed the dribble from his mouth, lifting his left hand again, drawing the hammer of his flamethrower back.
Again I felt as if you were trying to cram just too much into one sentence. The key to an excellent paragraph is pacing, and having too many heavy sentences, especially in action scenes, can really slow a reader down. Don’t be afraid to split different actions into separate sentences.
Quote: A roar of an animal unleashed from its cage, and thirsted for the blood of its captors.
This could have read better had you used “thirsting” rather than “and thirsted”. Again a minor thing, but it is nice to be aware of these things.
Quote: He was moving fast, unexpectedly fast. Fast enough to cause her retaliation to only barely graze his left shoulder before a heap of flames were blasted in her direction.
This was a good example of using description to influence pacing. The short sentence, that was split with a well-place comma, acted as a good springboard for the next sentence. Well done.
The third post I think was one of your strongest in terms of description. There was a few awkward word choices, such as using “trench” when “wound” or “injury” would have worked better. Sometimes the plain word is the best word, especially if the fancy word sounds awkward to say.
Not much to say beyond that, good job overall, just a bit of refinement and your score could’ve been boosted here.
Voice 3
Voice ties into description, but I tend to think of it more as the writer’s personal style. You have an idea of good pacing and tone, but some of your sentences and word choices end up being a bit clunky.
Again I think your third post gave me the best feel for you as a writer. Ballad emerging from the flames and slowly, methodically stalking forward to end Esdeath’s life was well written. You used the injury and the fire as a wonderful backdrop for the final showdown, changing your person and the scene during a fight is a great way to give a sense of time and a sense of danger. The forest is on fire, ballad is bleeding, and Esdeath is nearly crippled. The reader wants to know who wins, and they want to know how the two fighters function when the chips are stacked against them and I think you did a good job showing me how you aren’t afraid to put your character in a dire situation.
Characterization 3.5
This section is one of my favorites, because any character can be written as interesting and I love to see how different people portray similar archetypes.
Quote: "That's why you've lost here, General. You are either too gullible or too stupid to face the truth: You fight for a cause you don't believe in. I, however, fight for no one but myself. Everything I do is to benefit me, and me alone. Call it arrogance; I call it sanity. I can see the lies in leaders. I can see when a war isn't worth fighting for. And best of all... I'm able to walk away from my leaders without punishment; free to do what I've always wanted to do without someone telling me I should believe one thing over another. Can you say the same... General?"
This monologue, this monologue really gave me a wonderful sense of who Ballad was. I came away from the whole fight with a sense that Ballad was a badass jaded sci-fi mercenary type character, and I think you played to his strengths.
The one thing I did not like was when he had his little stint of insanity or rage. It felt as if it came from no where, there was no build-up to him slowly losing it over the fight it was just spontaneous. That’s not necessarily a terrible thing, but I felt as if a build-up would’ve made it carry much more weight than his just suddenly losing his shit. I also felt that after that little charge it didn’t carry any significance. Nothing was done with it beyond a roar and a charge which left me feeling a bit underwhelmed.
I think you could have also used Esdeath a bit more, but that’s a small gripe.
All-in-all beyond what I’ve mentioned I think this is probably your strongest category.
Story 2
Your first post set the scene well, but it dragged on for too long. I understand that there is supposed to be a certain amount of exposition, but the fight didn’t even really start until the beginning of Esdeath’s post. I feel as if you had cut the exchange between Ballad and Esdeath in half we wouldn’t have missed much and could’ve gained some wonderful description of the opening hits of the fight.
Quote:
Unbeknownst to Ballad, however, Esdeath could escape... provided she acted fast.
I don’t like this line, it doesn’t really add anything to the story and just kind of undermines Ballad’s assault. In the back of my mind I know the fight isn’t over yet, but by reminding me of this fact it kind of takes away some of the suspense.
In your second and third post you did a good job of intermingling action with description and scene setting. I think this gave both of the posts a good “feel” storywise and kept the fight moving forward without sacrificing clarity or “big picture” stuff.
This is also a personal gripe that I didn’t really hit you for, but I think “resetting” the fight at the end of your final post was a bit boring. Esdeath was in a terrible spot and I think if you left her there it would’ve added more significance and tension to the fight overall.
Technical 2
I personally think ellipses should rarely be used. They are intended to be used when words are omitted from a sentence. For example.
Sue asked the widow, “did he...peacefully?”
The omitted word being “die”. Using an emdash or some other punctuation is usually a better way to go. For example.
Quote: I mean, she's a gloater... and she's pretty damn rude, and...
I mean, she’s a gloater -- and she’s pretty damn rude.
I mainly noticed some tense changes that threw me off. You went from past tense to present tense a few times during the fight and it made me stumble slightly. If you choose a tense you need to stick with said tense for the duration of your posts.
I also noticed a few grammar and spelling issues that could have been avoided with a simple read-through.
ESDEATH
Description and clarity 3
SImilar to Ballad I think you weigh down some of your sentences with uneeded verbiage.
Quote:
However, the General wasn't so lucky; although her speed was twice that of the gunner, his accuracy trumped her evading ability and tore a crimson trench in her forearm, soaring into the distance and leaving a small trail of scarlet in the sand.
I think you could have split this into two or maybe three seperate sentences, and improve the clarity of that entire paragraph.
Quote: As the soldier raised his weapon of sizzling destruction, Esdeath swung her blade upwards, a crisp clang ringing out into the roar around them as the weapon was deflected. A spurt of flame shot upwards into the canopy, but Esdeath gave no more than a carefree grunt. She thrusted forwards, aiming to spear the soldier's abdomen, but his enhanced reflexes bested her blade's accuracy, and he simply sidestepped the possible impalement.
This was some damn good description. “crisp clang” rolls off the tongue and adds some nice flavor to the actions being described. Good job.
Your second post was definitively your strongest in terms of description, using the right amount of flair and “poetic” words to set the scene without sacrificing that all-to-important clarity. Well done.
Voice 3
You have a strong sense of pacing. And that is mostly apparent in your second post when you used Mahapadma to freeze time. The count down gave use a good breather from the action and I felt as if you had a few more words to add a stronger capstone on the last paragraph you could have made that entire post excellent.
Overall I think you need to focus on similar areas as Ballad, avoid using heavy sentences when they don’t need to be weighed down.
All-in-all good job!
Characterization 2.5
I think you gave us good glimpses at Esdeath’s underlying character, but I felt as if you didn’t fully bring them to light. From what I gathered she was a win-at-all costs fighter with almost sadistic tendencies. And you alluded to this, but I never truly got a full grasp of who Esdeath truly was.
The call back to Najenda’s Pumpkin gave us a good sense of her past, and your inner thoughts about “the strong live and the weak die” gave us a nice glimpse into her thought process, but ultimately it left me wanting more.
If you tie some more of her personality into her actions I think you could most definitively give me an amazing feeling for who Esdeath truly was. Also, much like Ballad, I think you could’ve used your opponent as a foil to yourself. You did this a few times so props for that, but again it left me wanting more rather than making me feel satisfied.
Story 2.5
There isn’t much to say here.
You did a good job.
I think you could have used the enviroment and the setting of the fight a bit better. You were forced into the forest and it seemed more of an inconvenience to you as a writer rather than a tool. The setting is almost as important as the characters and utilizing it rather than simply existing in it will help you immensely.
Technical 2.5
Overall you did great here, I didn’t notice any spelling errors and your grammar errors were few and far between.
The most glaring issue I have is the use of so many ellipses. I’m not even a fan of them to begin with, but almost every line of dialogue that had them would have been improved if they were replaced with something other than an ellipsis.
Quote: "Who are you to question my desires... and my ambitions?" She asked, shambling towards the man in green, piercing, cold sapphire eyes peering into his soul. "If you fight only for yourself... you're going to find it very hard to survive when you need others most. I too, fight for myself... but I fight to show that I'm the strongest." Esdeath's voice plummeted to a low rumble. "And if I require help to do so, so be it... but in this situation, I will thrive; I am the stronger of us. You will perish on this island." She threatened, prior to lashing out with a deadly snap kick aimed at the soldier's face.
Could’ve been.
Quote: "Who are you to question my desires, and my ambitions?" She asked, shambling towards the man in green, piercing, cold sapphire eyes peering into his soul. "If you fight only for yourself, you're going to find it very hard to survive when you need others most. I too, fight for myself, but I fight to show that I'm the strongest." Esdeath's voice plummeted to a low rumble. "And if I require help to do so, so be it -- but in this situation -- I will thrive; I am the stronger of us. You will perish on this island." She threatened, prior to lashing out with a deadly snap kick aimed at the soldier's face.
Other than the ellipses I think you did a stellar job here.
BALLAD - 13
ESDEATH - 13.5
WINNER ESDEATH
JUDGE'S NOTE
You both did very well, and I want you to know that this was damn close to a tie. You both have great foundations and with a bit of refinement you both can become exceptional writers. Also don't tkae any criticism too harsh, it's meant to help you rather than belittle you in any way. Also a large portion of grading is opinion based so do understand that a different judge might've had a different outcome, which means take everything I say with a grain of salt. Overall, great job by both of you!
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